Michelle Obama Powers Through Another Day Of Doing Half-Assed Jumping Jacks In Middle School Gym

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Issue 4829

The Pretending Hour

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Two people dress up like investigators and pretend to track a made-up murderer with the help of costumes, fake guns, and names different than their birth names

Big Money!

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Host Kirk Newcloud counts and stacks $100,000 cash on a table before an exultant studio audience.

European Debt Crisis Solutions

As the debt crisis continues to batter Europe’s finances, many countries, including Greece, Spain, and Italy, have been forced to impose severe austerity measures.

God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation

'It's Mountains,' Says Divine Being

THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Wednesday that He considered mountains, not mankind, to be far and away the most impressive thing He had ever brought into being. Calling the selection ...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 17, 2012

Libra Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have had at least one really good sandwich.

Romney Comes Clean, Admits He Made $32 Trillion In 2006

BOSTON—In an effort to make a full disclosure of his professional and financial records following discrepancies over his stewardship of Bain Capital, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted Monday that in 2006 he personally made $32 t...

Andrew McCutchen

With a .362 average, 60 RBIs, and 18 home runs, Pirates outfielder Andrew McCutchen is already being mentioned in MVP discussions.

Bill Belichick Lauded For Volunteer Work At Local Morgue

BOSTON—New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was lauded Friday for his volunteer work at the Boston City Morgue, receiving praise from its staff for his dedication, enthusiasm, and affable attitude while working at the storage facility for ...

Comic Book Movies Dominate Summer Box Office

With The Avengers having taken in $1.5 billion worldwide, and the final installment of the Batman trilogy due in theaters this month, movie companies are rushing to option more comic book properties.

Freeh Report: Joe Paterno Burning In Hell Right Now

PHILADELPHIA—Releasing a full report of his investigation into the Penn State scandal at a press conference Thursday morning, former FBI director Louis J. Freeh disclosed that the late Joe Paterno was indeed burning in hell
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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