THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Wednesday that He considered mountains, not mankind, to ...

CHICAGO—During dinner with his visiting parents at the Italian eatery Prosecco last Saturday, the only thing 29-year-old Eric Kauffman could think about was that ...

WASHINGTON—Americans across the nation confirmed today that, unfortunately, due to their extreme familiarity with the type of tragedy that occurred in a Colorado movie ...

BOSTON—In an effort to make a full disclosure of his professional and financial records following discrepancies over his stewardship of Bain Capital, Republican presidential ...

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Despite mounting pressure following revelations that Joe Paterno helped bury allegations of child abuse against Jerry Sandusky, Penn State University announced Monday ...

PHILADELPHIA—A study published Monday in the Annals Of Internal Medicine concludes that the average American needs at least six full hours of uninterrupted sleep ...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a groundbreaking new scientific study released Tuesday by Harvard University, the U.S.

DAVENPORT, OH—While making campaign stops in Ohio Thursday, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by the Morningside Assisted-Living Center, where he talked exclusively to ...

HOLLYWOOD—Calling the last decade the most embarrassing of his 20-year-long acting career, Dark Knight Rises star Christian Bale expressed relief today that his days ...

ROBBEN ISLAND—Following reports he crossed international borders without first calling his parole officer, former South African president Nelson Mandela celebrated his 94th birthday yesterday ...

AGOURA HILLS, CA—Noting that they really hit the spot, local dad Peter Barry pointed out a restaurant that serves really good Reuben sandwiches during ...

FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of last evening's horrific shooting that killed 12 in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, representatives from the National ...

LOS ANGELES—According to sources, some soulless fucking piece of shit at Warner Bros. is wondering how last night's tragic shooting of 12 people ...

WASHINGTON—In an 8,000-word exposé featured in this week's issue of The New Yorker, Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and author Seymour Hersh examines ...

DANVILLE, CA—Despite being a fan of the visionary director's entire film catalog, local 29-year-old Charles Knox admitted Tuesday that he prefers Quentin Tarantino ...

With The Avengers having taken in $1.5 billion worldwide, and the final installment of the Batman trilogy due in theaters this month, movie companies ...

As the debt crisis continues to batter Europe’s finances, many countries, including Greece, Spain, and Italy, have been forced to impose severe austerity measures.

Libra Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have ...

HOUSTON, TX—Jarred Bingham, 52, knew his ragged clothes and unstable demeanor made him seem like a crazy person, but what if he was the ...

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—It took everyone on the cruise ship two days to realize Jennifer and Herbert Carter were talking about a dog and not ...

RED WING, MN—Civil War reenactor Wayne Desmond accidentally used his Renaissance Fair voice during the Battle of Chancellorsville.

SAN FRANCISCO—Eight-year-old Josh Wilkins is going to have to do a lot more flailing if he's going to convince community pool lifeguard Tony ...

$53.97 (-$2.25) (-4%) Prices continued to tumble for this big-box clothing retailer, which has come under fire following revelations that its clothing only ...

Point My Year Volunteering As A Teacher Helped Educate A New Generation Of Underprivileged Kids When I graduated college last year, I was certain I ...

BOSTON—New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was lauded Friday for his volunteer work at the Boston City Morgue, receiving praise from its staff ...

KANSAS CITY—After the seventh-inning stretch of Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game, Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz spoke to several members of ...

PHILADELPHIA—Releasing a full report of his investigation into the Penn State scandal at a press conference Thursday morning, former FBI director Louis J. Freeh ...

BALTIMORE—The unusually successful Under Armour athletic wear company celebrated five years of market domination Thursday, presenting financial records and surveys indicating it has commanded ...

SEATTLE—Reports from Safeco Field during the sixth inning of Friday's game against the Texas Rangers suggest the creepy fan four rows back is ...

SAN ANTONIO, TX—As 21-year-old small forward Kawhi Leonard was prepped and placed under general anesthesia Friday, Spurs center Tim Duncan scrubbed up and entered ...

KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE—The best athlete in the world, 26-year-old Umaru Conteh, whose natural talents would earn him unimaginable fortune as a global star had ...

Norman Sas, the inventor of Electric Football, has passed away at 87, leaving behind a legacy of buzzing, spinning, nostalgic football simulation.

The iconic British rock band the Rolling Stones made their debut at London's Marquee Club 50 years ago yesterday.

After two years serving as a judge, 64-year-old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler announced he is leaving the long-running Fox reality singing competition American Idol.

At a Bruce Springsteen concert in London’s Hyde Park on Saturday, local authorities shut off the power on stage to comply with a 10 ...

A surfer was killed by a great white shark off the western coast of Australia Saturday, marking the fifth fatal attack there in under a ...

Private security firm G4S informed British lawmakers that it would be unable to provide the 10,400 security guards it had promised for the upcoming ...

A study from the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism found that people are increasingly turning to online video sites like YouTube ...

Partnering with Celebrity Cruises, the popular Southern California music festival Coachella is expanding its presence to a 3,000-person vessel dubbed the S.S.

Following a two-year review, the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its practice of denying membership to all openly gay scouts and scout leaders, saying such ...

New Jersey governor Chris Christie has reportedly been chosen to deliver the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month in Tampa, FL.

To celebrate former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela’s 94th birthday Wednesday, citizens throughout South Africa dedicated 67 minutes of the day ...

Software giant Microsoft reported a quarterly loss for the first time since the company went public in 1986, losing $492 million in the most recent ...

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Dear The Onion, It seems like we only ever communicate about the weather or current events anymore. So, really, The Onion, how are you doing ...

Dear The Onion, Know what really sucks? Famine. Elizabeth Culver, Pueblo, CO

HP announced they're making a new push into cloud computing and that they totally know what that is.

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy welcome two Sacramento teens who collected clothing for their classmate so she wouldn't have to look like a ...

A new study finds that Americans need six hours of sleep at work, scientists say the U.S. may have discovered a previously unknown level ...

Fox 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT A husband-and-wife team from Bethesda, MD has 22 minutes to make an especially meritorious ...

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Host Kirk Newcloud counts and stacks $100,000 cash on a table before ...

NBC 11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT One and a half hours of the cast waving, hugging, dancing, and mugging for ...

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Two people dress up like investigators and pretend to track a made-up murderer with ...

In a Face Off of bile-screaming proportions, Doc and Kenny debate Wrigley Field’s removal of its noose-friendly vines, the NBA’s 30 team trade ...

Running Of The Bulls Breaks Down Gender Barrier As First-Ever Cow Participates In Event

Retiring Famous Cricket Player To Hang Up Knee Things, Paddle Bat Thing

One Kid Slowly Jogging 2 Miles Behind Rest Of Cross Country Team

Squirrel Running Around Infield Beaten To Death By 27 Men With Baseball Bats

The Onion looks back at on the day man first walked on the moon—the fucking moon for Christ's sake; the creation of the ...