HOUSTON—Hoping to boost profits by cutting into the valuable market share currently occupied by Apple's popular iPhone 4S, top American rice manufacturer Uncle ...

LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK, LONDON, PARIS, CHICAGO, BOSTON, MIAMI, ELSEWHERE—Responding to Anderson Cooper, Frank Ocean, Emma Stone, Kelsey Grammer, Zooey Deschanel, and Jimmy Kimmel ...

WASHINGTON—With polls this week showing the race between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney tightening even further, a growing number of political experts have declared ...

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—One day after his marriage to Ri Sol-ju was officially announced on state television, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un volunteered to ...

DES MOINES, IA—Sitting down on their living room couches Friday after running a few household errands, mothers across the nation told their children today ...

BOSTON—As part of its vetting process to select a potential vice president, the Romney campaign reportedly asked each of its shortlisted candidates this week ...

WASHINGTON—Upon entering the Walter E. Johnson Convention Center Monday, attendees of the 2012 International AIDS Conference were reportedly treated to free gift bags full ...

WASHINGTON—Officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that they approve of the basic direction Pfizer's new drug Ribastrol is headed in.

WEST BERLIN, NJ—While processing an online order Tuesday afternoon, Ammoman.com sales clerk Eric McCann confirmed to himself that the customer who just purchased ...

WASHINGTON—According to a newly released USA Today/Gallup poll, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's favorability has surged to 64 percent since he left ...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Sources nationwide are confirming this week that the current drought is bad and that water is very good.

LOS ANGELES—Since his arrest last Wednesday on lewd conduct charges, actor and comedian Fred Willard has become "quite the hit" in his court-mandated counseling ...

ANAHEIM, CA—As protests over a pair of fatal weekend shootings by Anaheim Police entered their fifth day, law enforcement officials continued Thursday to ignore ...

CUPERTINO, CA—As part of an effort to boost smartphone sales following lower-than-expected third-quarter earnings, Apple announced today a new national advertising campaign urging users ...

DENVER—According to sources who played Trivial Pursuit with local man Derek Watkins last night, the hour-long question-and-answer contest revealed the 30-year-old attorney's glaring ...

HAVERHILL, MA—Finding himself with an unexpected weekend off during the height of his busiest season, wedding DJ and pop music enthusiast Shawn DeFleur took ...

LOS ANGELES—A new low was hit in advertising Thursday when an ad campaign appealing to basic human logic and rationality became the single-most money-losing ...

As Democrats continue to press Mitt Romney to release more of his tax records, the Republican candidate has become more assertive in his rejection of ...

Aries You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he’ll have ...

GLENS FALLS, NY—Something really amazing happened on the Internet while Rick Delgado was outside.

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Darren "The Vocal Racist" Benedetto had to admit he has no one to blame for his nickname but himself.

AMARILLO, TX—Despite his impeccable service record, there's no way Clark Mixson is going to make assistant manager at Crazy Bob's Fireworks shack ...

$25.61 (-$6.02) (-19%) Share prices plunged today after Mandy failed to show up for her 5 p.m. shift even though she told ...

STATE COLLEGE, PA— The recently released Freeh Report on Pennsylvania State University, which placed blame on university higher-ups for failing to protect children against sexual ...

NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' decision Tuesday not to match the Houston Rockets' three-year, $25-million offer for point guard Jeremy Lin, depressed New York fans ...

BOSTON—Former Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis took out a full-page advertisement in Juggs on Monday thanking "all the trim in Boston" for being "the ...

CHICAGO—The career of 26-year-old running back Matt Forte was tragically cut short Monday after Forte succumbed to a career-ending contract with the Chicago Bears.

BLAGNAC-BRIVE-LA-GAILLARDE, FRANCE—During Friday's 222.5-km-long 18th stage of the Tour De France, several dozen exhausted cyclists reportedly asked trainers, cameramen, and random spectators ...

TOLEDO—Local brother-in-law Steven Foster, 32, revealed a new money-making scheme at a family gathering Thursday, a proposal to start a PGA championship golf course ...

CHICAGO—Despite calling himself a close friend and confidant of the late Chicago Bears superstar, remarks made by former Bears quarterback Vince Evans last week ...

Joe Paterno’s family has launched a private investigation into the Louis Freeh report that found the late Penn State football coach helped conceal Jerry ...

Numerous teams are considering a trade for Arizona Diamondbacks slugger Justin Upton. Is he any good?

According to a study published in the journal Nature, dumping iron at sea could encourage the growth of large blooms of algae, which in turn ...

Twenty-one people were treated for burns after they walked across hot coals as part of a four-day “Unleash the Power Within” event hosted by famed ...

Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation to attend next month’s Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL.

Former astronaut Sally Ride, who in 1983 became the first American woman to travel into space, died in her San Diego home yesterday at age ...

A spokesman for President Bashar al-Assad's government said it would never use its presumed stockpile of cyanide, sarin, and mustard gas against Syrian citizens ...

In the wake of last Friday’s mass shooting at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises, sales of firearms have surged in many ...

Monsignor William J. Lynn of the Philadelphia Archdiocese received a prison sentence of three to six years after becoming the first Roman Catholic Church official ...

While visiting southeastern Connecticut tourist attractions yesterday, Gov. Dan Malloy officially pardoned a 15-pound lobster at a Noank, CT restaurant and then released it into ...

A new computer virus that targets Iran’s nuclear facilities is believed to be causing AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” to blast at full volume from ...

Since June, several dozen visitors to Walt Disney World’s Wild Africa Trek in Florida have been sickened by an unknown illness that causes flu-like ...

Chick-fil-A debuts its new homophobic sandwich, the 'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu,' a horrible couple really wants their wedding to reflect their personalities, and Uncle Ben's ...

Terry Molin, 3, didn’t have a swim diaper on like he was supposed to at Crawdaddy Cove Water Park, but he didn’t have ...

Sales executive Ashley Hamilton listened to a voicemail from her mom all the way through.

Multibillionaire industrialist and archconservative David Koch gave $7 million to the PBS show Nova.

Tuesday's issue of The Onion mistakenly printed the page number 13 instead of doing the hotel thing and skipping from 12 to 14.

Last week, The Onion reported that all our troubles are over, when in fact all is lost. We regret the error.

Fox 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Wheelchair-bound paraplegic paralegal Cindy Pratt doesn’t care if she ever walks again, just ...

History 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Rick and Corey begrudgingly fork over $6 for the first four seasons of Pawn ...

Bravo 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Fathers scrutinize their daughters’ clothing choices in a never-ending cycle of negative attention and ...

The forecast is cloudy on this week's GOOMF, as Penn State is begging Sandusky victims to vandalize Paterno's statue, and the British Open ...

Hard to Tell What's Shaven In Basketball Player’s Hair

Colorado Rockies Claim High-Elevation Makes Their Record Seem Worse

Retired Bobby Cox Ejected From Atlanta Cracker Barrel For Record 27th Time

More And More Infants In New England Area Being Born With Rob Gronkowski's Features

Penn State To Also Remove Statue Of Showering Sandusky

Tony Romo Averaged 8.6 Goddammits Per Play In 2011

Andrea Bennett and Jason Copeland look ahead at the long months remaining before this election is finally over.

Objectively awful couple Ross Bird and Jessica Black want their upcoming wedding to be a true reflection of who they are as human beings.

The Onion's Editorial Cartoonist since 1957, Stan Kelly takes on the controversial issue of medical marijuana

NEW YORK—Screaming at the top of his lungs like a deranged lunatic and drenched in his own blood as well as the blood of ...

CHICAGO—According to recently engaged and utterly smug shitheads Ross Bird and Jessica Black, the couple wants their upcoming nuptials to be not just a ...