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Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower

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Issue 4831

Spelling Bees

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT The popular Japanese game show makes its U.S. debut as contestants compete to spell wordswhile trapped in a chamber full of angry yellow jackets.

Breathtaking Easter Island

The island’s ancient, solemn carved stone faces, known as moai, are regarded by natives as deifications of long-dead ancestors and clan chieftains.

The World's Leakiest Faucets

Discovery 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT There's a Delta kitchen faucet in Cincinnati that’s leaking so bad it’s seriously going drip, drip,drip, drip—that fast.

Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower

The nation’s poorest individuals are at least grateful they aren’t part of the nation’s long-suffering middle class, pictures of a smiling group of people are taken where John Lennon was murdered, and the highlight of an Alzheimer patien...

Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn

GLADYS, VA—After weeks of concerted effort aimed at trying to meet sexual partners through the professional networking site, local man Hugh Nesbitt told reporters Friday that he has yet to break in to the underworld of casual hookups surely hidden b...

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Dateline

NBC 7:00 p.m. EDT/6:00 p.m. CDT Dateline’s own Dennis Murphy has won five Emmys for excellence in news reporting. But whatsets him above and beyond the rest? Dennis Murphy reports.

Iced Tea Festival

Can't go to a wine festival because you gave up drinking? Come drink hundreds of flavors of iced tea with a bunch of other people getting their lives together!

Your Horoscopes - Week Of July 31, 2012

Aries This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS. Taurus While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true frie...

Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now

'For School?' Students Ask Selves

STATE COLLEGE, PA—In response to the unprecedented NCAA sanctions levied against Penn State for the Jerry Sandusky child-abuse scandal, the 45,000 students enrolled in the school began openly wondering Monday why they were still attending the univer...

Aldo Montano

Fencing — Italy Fencing Style: Poke-heavy Family History: Father was an Olympic fencer; grandfather was an Olympic fencer; great-grandfather enjoyed annoying people by prodding them with a yardstick Prosciutto Company Sponsorships...

Lauren Jackson

Women’s Basketball — Australia Professional Perks: Still has a ton of free tickets to Seattle Storm games if anyone wants them Part Of The Body Most Focused On During Workouts: Intangibles Future Aspirations: To be much s...

Qiu Bo

Diving — China Training: Learned how to dive by jumping into sea of Dockers at parents’ work Advantage: No matter what happens, people in China will be told he won every single event Endorsements: Chunri Shi Tiger Paste; ...

Sarah Attar

Track and Field, 800m — Saudi Arabia Accomplishments: Finding success despite growing up in a community notoriously hostile to talented, ambitious young women in Escondido, CA Running Style: Must be accompanied in 800-meter by male ch...

James Magnussen

Swimming — Australia Weaknesses: Technologically advanced American suits superior to Australian team’s heavy wool; sometimes distracted by coins on the bottom of the pool Favorite Part Of Swimming: Big fuzzy towels with Olympic ...

Yelena Isinbayeva

Track and Field, Pole Vault — Russia Technique: So flawless nobody has noticed the numerous optical illusions she applies to add an extra 4 feet to her jumps Doesn’t Matter What People Say: Is still no Svetlana Feofanova Equi...

Kenenisa Bekele

Track and Field, 5000m and 10,000m — Ethiopia Racing Strategy: Drafts behind other runners for first 9,998 meters of race and then jumps out in front at the last second like an asshole Training Regimen: Once ran 23,000 miles in one da...

Sir Chris Hoy

Cycling — Great Britain Number Of Times During A 5-Minute Conversation He Reminds You He Has Been Knighted: 17 Accomplishments: Considered the greatest male cyclist in Olympics history, which is just another way of saying you’ll...

Oscar Pistorius

Track and Field, 400m — South Africa Advantage: Has been taking steroids openly since 2009, but no one has the heart to disqualify him Mental Strategy: Dominates paralympic competitions once in a while just for a quick morale boost ...

Usain Bolt

Track and Field, 100m and 200m —Jamaica Strength: Incredibly long legs allow him to finish the 100-meter dash in just four strides World Records Held: All the good ones Weakness: Amazingly fast up to 400 meters, but any farther...

International Olympians To Watch In 2012

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating Olympians from around the globe going into the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London. Begin the guide now: Oscar Pistorius More: Find complete Summer Olympics coverage here. Follow @OnionSpo...

Holley Mangold

Weightlifting — Dayton, Ohio Strength: Strength Special Skills: Lifting, grunting Childhood: Dealt with bullies by using self-deprecating humor and then beating the shit out of them; often teased in high school for having a bro...

Ryan Lochte

Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked into pool’s filter Preferred Places To Finish Behind ...

Jordyn Wieber

Gymnastics — DeWitt, Michigan Strengths: Pretending to smile Celebration: Weeping into hands Flaws: Often penalized for 6-foot-8-inch frame London Sight She’s Most Excited To See: Big clock thing Background:...

Lolo Jones

Track and Field, Hurdles — Des Moines, Iowa Event At Which She’s Most Likely To Win Gold: 60-meter tripping Workout Routine: Carefully watched by leering creeps Disappointment: Wind-assisted 7.88 at 2007 nationals marred ...

Kim Rhode

Shooting — El Monte, California Shooting Style: Oh, you’ll find out Reasons For Shooting Skeet: Self-defense; thinning of ever-rising skeet population Bad Habits: Constantly scratching at crotch with shotgun Motivation...

Missy Franklin

Swimming — Centennial, Colorado Favorite Musical Artist: Who cares? Really, who the fuck cares? Accomplishment: Once swam to bottom of pool and touched grate Special Skills: Excellent breath control during post-race interview ...

Tyson Gay

Track and Field, 100m — Lexington, Kentucky Accomplishments: One of the only Americans capable of running Motivation: Imagining there’s a delicious rabbit running along the edge of the track Childhood: Left for dead in a ...

Maya Moore

Women's Basketball — Lawrenceville, Georgia Endorsements: American Tripe Council, Pontiac, Lady Subway Why She Wants To Compete In Women’s Basketball For Team USA: Free gold medal/trip to London Hobbies: Plays in recreati...

LeBron James

Men's Basketball — Akron, Ohio GDP Rank Among Olympic Nations If He Were Considered Own Country: 155/203 Heartwarming Background Story: Overcame being born without soul Family: Compared to most Olympian parents, mother Gloria a...

Michael Phelps

Swimming — Baltimore, Maryland Swimming Style: Faster, better than everyone Special Skills: Can hold breath for entire Olympics Favorite Place To Swim: Water Childhood: Financial restraints forced him to compete ...
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