CHAPEL HILL, NC—A survey released Wednesday by researchers at the University of North Carolina found that despite the many challenges they face, the nation ...

DUBLIN, OH—Responding to Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy's recent controversial admission of the company's donations to antigay groups, a statement from competing fast ...

NEW YORK—A smiling group of tourists, some giving the thumbs-up sign or making "bunny ears" behind one another's heads, posed to have their ...

WARSAW, POLAND—World leader and president of Poland Bronisław Komorowski was reportedly puzzled Tuesday as to why he had just met with a man who ...

NEW YORK—Responding to widespread criticism of the network's decision to air coverage of Olympic events on a six-hour time delay, executives at NBC ...

NEW DELHI—Following the ongoing power outage that has left more than 680 million people in India without electricity, 17-year-old sweatshop worker Bhavesh Patel told ...

NEW DELHI—According to estimates, roughly one-third of a billion Indian citizens were left without power Wednesday after workers successfully repaired the nation's electrical ...

JOLIET, IL— According to eyewitness reports, two employees at a local Walgreens engaged in a heated argument Sunday in full view of customers, shattering the ...

NEW YORK—Following his admission this week that he fabricated quotes he attributes to Bob Dylan in his nonfiction bestseller Imagine, disgraced former New Yorker ...

WASHINGTON—Following a two-day meeting to discuss the country's continually disappointing employment numbers, officials from the Federal Reserve announced Friday that if jobs are ...

HENNIKER, NH—Sources within the Cafferty household confirmed that at approximately 8 a.m. Friday the family awoke, peered out their kitchen window, and saw ...

GLADYS, VA—After weeks of concerted effort aimed at trying to meet sexual partners through the professional networking site, local man Hugh Nesbitt told reporters ...

WASHINGTON—The nation's 300 million citizens announced Saturday that they are still walking around in a collective awe-inspired daze from the phenomenal blockbuster movie ...

Aries This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS. Taurus While being ...

NEWBURGH, NY—Questioning whether he could endure yet another excruciating day of work, 47-year-old Adam Hartford contemplated jerking the wheel hard to the right and ...

LINCOLN, NE—Having climbed a tree to rescue one of the neighborhood cats, Kyle Mullins figured he might as well stay up there in protest ...

STANFORD,CA—Over drinks, Dr. Jennifer Oreill and her colleagues decided they probably wouldn't have handled the events at Jurassic Park any differently.

COLUMBUS,OH—David Schneider was unable to impress his soul mate, Melanie Cutler, within 90 seconds at a speed-dating event.

$34.18 (+$1.78) (+5.5%) Stocks climbed after an independent study concluded that every single human being is now pretty good at photography.

Onion Sports breaks down the top 10 members of Team USA to keep an eye on as the 2012 Summer Olympic Games begin in London.

Swimming — Baltimore, Maryland Swimming Style: Faster, better than everyone Special Skills: Can hold breath for entire Olympics Favorite Place To Swim: Water Childhood: Financial restraints ...

Men's Basketball — Akron, Ohio GDP Rank Among Olympic Nations If He Were Considered Own Country: 155/203 Heartwarming Background Story: Overcame being born without ...

Women's Basketball — Lawrenceville, Georgia Endorsements: American Tripe Council, Pontiac, Lady Subway Why She Wants To Compete In Women’s Basketball For Team USA: Free ...

Track and Field, 100m — Lexington, Kentucky Accomplishments: One of the only Americans capable of running Motivation: Imagining there’s a delicious rabbit running along the ...

Swimming — Centennial, Colorado Favorite Musical Artist: Who cares? Really, who the fuck cares? Accomplishment: Once swam to bottom of pool and touched grate Special Skills ...

Shooting — El Monte, California Shooting Style: Oh, you’ll find out Reasons For Shooting Skeet: Self-defense; thinning of ever-rising skeet population Bad Habits: Constantly scratching ...

Track and Field, Hurdles — Des Moines, Iowa Event At Which She’s Most Likely To Win Gold: 60-meter tripping Workout Routine: Carefully watched by leering ...

Gymnastics — DeWitt, Michigan Strengths: Pretending to smile Celebration: Weeping into hands Flaws: Often penalized for 6-foot-8-inch frame London Sight She’s Most Excited To See ...

Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked ...

Weightlifting — Dayton, Ohio Strength: Strength Special Skills: Lifting, grunting Childhood: Dealt with bullies by using self-deprecating humor and then beating the shit out of them ...

LONDON—Coaches and teammates confirmed Friday that U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has spent the past month studying with Rosetta Stone software in an ...

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating Olympians from around the globe going into the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London. Begin the guide ...

Track and Field, 100m and 200m —Jamaica Strength: Incredibly long legs allow him to finish the 100-meter dash in just four strides World Records Held ...

Track and Field, 400m — South Africa Advantage: Has been taking steroids openly since 2009, but no one has the heart to disqualify him Mental Strategy ...

Cycling — Great Britain Number Of Times During A 5-Minute Conversation He Reminds You He Has Been Knighted: 17 Accomplishments: Considered the greatest male cyclist in ...

Track and Field, 5000m and 10,000m — Ethiopia Racing Strategy: Drafts behind other runners for first 9,998 meters of race and then jumps out ...

Track and Field, Pole Vault — Russia Technique: So flawless nobody has noticed the numerous optical illusions she applies to add an extra 4 feet to ...

Swimming — Australia Weaknesses: Technologically advanced American suits superior to Australian team’s heavy wool; sometimes distracted by coins on the bottom of the pool Favorite ...

Track and Field, 800m — Saudi Arabia Accomplishments: Finding success despite growing up in a community notoriously hostile to talented, ambitious young women in Escondido, CA ...

Diving — China Training: Learned how to dive by jumping into sea of Dockers at parents’ work Advantage: No matter what happens, people in China will ...

Women’s Basketball — Australia Professional Perks: Still has a ton of free tickets to Seattle Storm games if anyone wants them Part Of The Body ...

Fencing — Italy Fencing Style: Poke-heavy Family History: Father was an Olympic fencer; grandfather was an Olympic fencer; great-grandfather enjoyed annoying people by prodding them with ...

MIAMI— Dolphins players and coaches admitted Friday that they regret allowing the HBO series Hard Knocks to film their training camp, expressing frustration after repeatedly ...

BETHLEHEM, PA—During an hour-long lunch break at Eagles training camp Friday, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid mumbled something about rebuilding mode as a homemade ...

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Following the NCAA’s decision Monday to vacate all of Penn State’s wins from 1998 through 2011, thousands of Texas A ...

BURLINGTON, VT—After experiencing several months of strong sexual attraction, Joey Grafman, 13, and his father's copy of Sports Illustrated's 2012 swimsuit issue ...

WASHINGTON—Fans of watching disappointed teenage girls cry their eyes out in front of large, international audiences confirmed Monday that they "can't wait" for ...

STATE COLLEGE, PA—In response to the unprecedented NCAA sanctions levied against Penn State for the Jerry Sandusky child-abuse scandal, the 45,000 students enrolled ...

Onion Sports recaps the most memorable moments from the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics in London.

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

According to Harvard University scientists, water vapor lofted into the stratosphere by severe summer storms could react with chemicals there to destroy the ozone layer ...

Northern India's power grid failed early this morning, causing a blackout in the capital of New Delhi, shutting down train service, and leaving more ...

Fearing that an aging population could strain social services, Iranian leaders have reversed the nation’s pro-family-planning policies and are now urging citizens to have ...

A strain of bird flu known as H3N8 was found to be responsible for the deaths of 162 harbor seals that washed up on New ...

For the first time ever, Democrats appear set to include marriage equality as an official plank in their platform when they meet this September in ...

With 16 confirmed dead from the latest outbreak of Ebola in Uganda, including at least one fatality in the nation’s capital of Kampala, officials ...

Scientists recently discovered 44,000-year-old jewelry made from ostrich eggs and poison-tipped arrows in a South African cave, a finding that suggests modern human culture ...

The Food and Drug Administration approved the use of an ingestible digital sensor that can be embedded inside a pill and swallowed, allowing doctors to ...

Microsoft recently announced that its 16-year-old online e-mail service Hotmail would be streamlined, closely integrated with social media, and renamed Outlook.com.

Despite the addition of 163,000 jobs in July, the U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly to 8.3 percent, suggesting the economic recovery remained ...

Dear The Onion, I'd like to change my response to your online poll from last Wednesday to "Yes, I believe in angels." Thomas Slye ...

Attn: The Onion, I have added your publication to the list of media banned in my country, and there is nothing you can do about ...

The nation’s poorest individuals are at least grateful they aren’t part of the nation’s long-suffering middle class, pictures of a smiling group ...

History 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT We explore the life and unheralded legacy of our country's 20th reptilian leader.

NBC 7:00 p.m. EDT/6:00 p.m. CDT Dateline’s own Dennis Murphy has won five Emmys for excellence in news reporting ...

Discovery 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT There's a Delta kitchen faucet in Cincinnati that’s leaking so bad it ...

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT The popular Japanese game show makes its U.S. debut as contestants compete ...

Can't go to a wine festival because you gave up drinking? Come drink hundreds of flavors of iced tea with a bunch of other ...

The island’s ancient, solemn carved stone faces, known as moai, are regarded by natives as deifications of long-dead ancestors and clan chieftains.

Kenny from GOOMF and Tim Devannon from the Steam Room are in London to discuss God's new ark full of Olympians and the children ...

Olympic Discus Thrower Nervous About Appearing On Television For 14 Seconds

Balance Beam Event Watched With Mom

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that ...

The Onion looks back at the admission of Ant Colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union, Nelson Mandela becoming fully rehabilitated through South Africa's stellar penal ...

BROOKLYN, NY—With a history of tossing and turning, waking himself up with his own snoring, experiencing sleep interruptions every half hour, and general restlessness ...