The Week In Pictures

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Issue 4832

Occasional Butts

AMC 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Amanda walks out of the bathroom to put on a robe. Jared and David talk in the locker room after racquetball.

Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment. According to the 24-year-old production assista...

Thursday, August 16

Authorities will be coming by homes to collect all children born the week of June 11-17 as foretold in the prophecy.

Just Give Us Five Episodes

CBS 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Detective Seth Murray and his hard-nosed colleagues take some getting used to, we know, but just stick with them and you’ll probably come around.

Christian Bale Visits Sikh Temple Victims

MILWAUKEE—Actor Christian Bale, star of the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, reportedly spent several hours Thursday visiting the hospital where the three men wounded in last Sunday’s shooting spree at a Sikh temple...

Cain Train

"You better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again." – Herman Cain

Herman Cain Lifts Suspension Of Presidential Campaign

ATLANTA—More than eight months after suspending his campaign amidst plummeting poll numbers and allegations of sexual misconduct, Georgia businessman Herman Cain appeared at a spirited rally Friday to announce he was officially lifting the suspensio...

Saturday, August 11

In case of inclement weather, the high noon pistol duel between the mayor and city council president scheduled for Perryman Park will instead be held at 12:45 p.m.

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

ATLANTA—Returning home from work Wednesday evening, area woman Caitlin Levy suddenly realized that, quite unusually, she had not been harassed or propositioned for sex even once the entire day, the puzzled 28-year-old told reporters.

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Friday, August 10

Between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m., American Legion Post 501 invites you to lie down on a vinyl cot while a nursing school trainee repeatedly pokes a needle in your arm in an effort to extract your blood, which will be donated to someone you don’t know.

Bugs In Your Body

Discovery 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT A panel of self-reputed scientists explains that you can scratch and scratch but the insects are still deep inside of you and will be forever.

Study: Pretending Everything's Okay Works

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A study released Thursday by researchers at Harvard University's Department of Psychology has found that the simple act of pretending one's life is not a complete shambles threatening to collapse at any moment works.

Drought Ravages U.S.

With the worst drought in half a century devastating the central and southern United States, the Agriculture Department has designated more than half the nation’s counties as disaster areas.

Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its way through a goddamn economic crisis, the pet's owners confirmed Thursday. According to reports, the...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 7, 2012

Aries Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your unconscious escapes. Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is a whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus n...

'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg

'We Are Tired Of Killing People,' Plead Firearms

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the shooting that left seven dead at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI, the nation's assault weapons held a press conference today in which they pleaded with lawmakers to please just make them illegal. Speaking on behalf of th...

2012 World Series Of Darts

ESPN 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Men who spend most of their lives in bars will be broadcast in high definition on national television.

NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky

PASADENA, CA—After initial transmissions from the Mars rover Curiosity provided multiple images of the Red Planet, officials from NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed Monday that scientists are now pretty sure the surface of Mars is rocky.

Mood In Gotham City Rogues Training Camp Upbeat

GOTHAM CITY—At a press conference following Monday's practice, newly appointed Rogues head coach Adam Kewell said the team was feeling cheerfully optimistic about the upcoming season despite the constant reminder of the devastating terrorist attacks...

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Romney Stuck In Endless Loop Of Uncomfortable Chuckling

PORTSMOUTH, VA—According to increasingly concerned campaign sources, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney entered his 400th consecutive hour of uneasy chuckling Monday, apparently stuck in an endless loop of discomfort and apprehension that...

Phelps Drowns

LONDON—American swimmer Michael Phelps, who earned 21 medals and became the most decorated Olympian of all time, drowned Saturday while competing in the last scheduled race of his career, officials for the London games confirmed. According to source...

Olympic Surprises

One week into competition, the London 2012 Games has already provided its share of surprises, including Michael Phelps failing to win a medal in the 400-meter individual medley.

Andrei Kirilenko

Russian small forward Andrei Kirilenko has scored 51 points in his first two games of the 2012 Olympics and recently signed a two-year, $20 million deal with the Timberwolves.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.