WASHINGTON—In the wake of the shooting that left seven dead at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI, the nation's assault weapons held ...

LOS ANGELES—During a gala dinner at the Avalon-Carver Community Center Thursday night, officials from the City of Los Angeles honored the Shining Star Foundation ...

RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its ...

CHICAGO—With campaign rhetoric becoming increasingly heated and both presidential nominees releasing more attack ads, a new 30-second spot from the Obama campaign this week ...

ATLANTA—More than eight months after suspending his campaign amidst plummeting poll numbers and allegations of sexual misconduct, Georgia businessman Herman Cain appeared at a ...

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have ...

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of Sunday’s deadly shooting in which a white supremacist allegedly shot and killed six congregants at a Sikh temple in ...

PASADENA, CA—After initial transmissions from the Mars rover Curiosity provided multiple images of the Red Planet, officials from NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed ...

WASHINGTON—In response to the shooting death of six Sikh worshippers at a temple in Oak Creek, WI yesterday, Rep.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A study released Thursday by researchers at Harvard University's Department of Psychology has found that the simple act of pretending one's ...

WASHINGTON—A recent wave of negative bidder responses posted to Joe Biden's eBay account has for the first time dropped the vice president's ...

WEST LEBANON, NH—After first learning of Barack Obama from a news broadcast last Friday, 29-year-old Aaron Chamberland said he has since been unable to ...

PASADENA, CA—Barely 72 hours after the landing of its Mars rover, NASA officials announced Thursday that their mission had ended, as Curiosity's two-gigabyte ...

MILWAUKEE—Actor Christian Bale, star of the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, reportedly spent several hours Thursday visiting the hospital where the three men ...

SAN MATEO, CA—Silicon Valley insiders are abuzz over a new dating site, JustMatch.com, which offers users the chance to be paired with the ...

NEW YORK—As employment stagnates, manufacturing continues its slump, and overall confidence in the U.S.

With the worst drought in half a century devastating the central and southern United States, the Agriculture Department has designated more than half the nation ...

Aries Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your unconscious escapes. Taurus Will you finally get that big job ...

Parent Company Hasn't Talked To Sister Corporation In Years

SHREVEPORT, LA—Paul Loumet has a new cast-iron fry pan and is being a real dick to his family about exactly how he wants it ...

BUTTE, MT—Albert Dougherty apologized to the Wagners and tried to explain that he thought their lost cat poster was one of those "dead or ...

BELLVILLE, OH—Mark Benton spent all night searching in vain for a song about a heroic city councillor to play at the launch of his ...

DALLAS, TX—All things considered, Paul Rizzo, 19, was pretty happy with his first knife fight.

$167.26 (-$78.42) (-31.9%) Shares continued to plummet after reports that anyone who has even come close to a laser tag gun is ...

LONDON—Fifth-seeded Hungarian fencer Aron Szilagyi pulled off a stunning upset Sunday, winning the gold medal in the individual saber event with a 15-8 victory ...

LONDON—American swimmer Michael Phelps, who earned 21 medals and became the most decorated Olympian of all time, drowned Saturday while competing in the last ...

LONDON—Members of the U.S. men's gymnastics team have continued to apologize for their fifth-place finish in Monday’s team finals, mistakenly convinced ...

LONDON—Following a morning interview with Bob Costas, American swimmer Michael Phelps is reported to have surreptitiously asked the NBC anchor how well he does ...

LONDON—The entire badminton world remained in a state of shock Thursday following the disqualification of eight athletes from the 2012 Olympics for allegedly throwing ...

LONDON—Speaking in measured, purposeful tones, NBC Olympic sportscaster Bob Costas is at this moment very close to comparing the current badminton match-fixing controversy to ...

ENGLEWOOD, CO— Speaking to reporters from Broncos training camp, quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Thursday that the exciting new Manning era in Denver will be immortalized ...

ANDERSON, IN—Less than a week into training camp, the Indianapolis Colts announced they had cut quarterback Andrew Luck from the roster because the rookie ...

MIAMI—After a disappointing start to their inaugural season in Marlins Park, Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria unveiled plans Friday to build a new waterfront ...

GOTHAM CITY—At a press conference following Monday's practice, newly appointed Rogues head coach Adam Kewell said the team was feeling cheerfully optimistic about ...

YORKTOWN HEIGHTS, NY—ESPN baseball writer Buster Olney sat his kids down Monday evening to tell them they could always bring any questions about school ...

LONDON—In a stunning revelation, small forward LeBron James humbly conceded Tuesday that the current U.S.

LONDON—As they prepared for the last few days of their second Olympics broadcast together, NBC co-anchors Al Michaels and Bob Costas were no longer ...

One week into competition, the London 2012 Games has already provided its share of surprises, including Michael Phelps failing to win a medal in the ...

Russian small forward Andrei Kirilenko has scored 51 points in his first two games of the 2012 Olympics and recently signed a two-year, $20 million ...

The 1958 Alfred Hitchcock thriller Vertigo was named the greatest movie of all time in the British Film Institute’s annual ranking of the top ...

The NASA rover Curiosity touched down safely on the Martian surface following a complex descent and landing procedure that scientists had dubbed the "seven minutes ...

At a Republican fundraiser in Sun Valley, ID, famed actor and director Clint Eastwood provided a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney, saying, "The country needs ...

The popular user-generated encyclopedia Wikipedia went dark for roughly two hours yesterday after fiber optic cables from its Florida data center were severed.

After more than a year of being forcibly medicated, Jared Loughner, who is charged with killing six people and wounding 13 others, including recently retired ...

The revelation that Wisconsin shooter Wade Michael Page played in the hardcore punk white-power bands End Apathy and Definite Hate has increased the public’s ...

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that its recent anti-smoking ad campaign, which shows actual people who have suffered disease, paralysis, and amputations ...

Thirty-seven years after the end of the Vietnam War, the United States will clean up an area in central Vietnam where Agent Orange was synthesized ...

With an average temperature of 77.6 degrees throughout the contiguous United States, last month was officially the nation’s hottest on record, breaking the ...

Eviction proceedings were formally brought against accused Aurora, CO gunman James Holmes on Wednesday, with his landlord citing the tenant’s murder of 12 theatergoers ...

A local dog is wolfing down kibble as if the United States isn’t in a goddamn economic crisis, Mitt Romney gets stick in an ...

Due to a misprint, the brainteaser in Sunday's issue was unsolvable. The Onion apologizes to anyone who was driven irreversibly mad.

In Tuesday's article on self-defense, The Onion incorrectly reported the location of the "kill spot." It is actually 3 inches to the left, and ...

ESPN 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Men who spend most of their lives in bars will be broadcast in high ...

Discovery 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT A panel of self-reputed scientists explains that you can scratch and scratch but the ...

CBS 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Detective Seth Murray and his hard-nosed colleagues take some getting used to, we know ...

AMC 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Amanda walks out of the bathroom to put on a robe. Jared and David ...

Between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m., American Legion Post 501 invites you to lie down on a vinyl cot while a nursing school ...

In case of inclement weather, the high noon pistol duel between the mayor and city council president scheduled for Perryman Park will instead be held ...

Authorities will be coming by homes to collect all children born the week of June 11-17 as foretold in the prophecy.

"You better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again." – Herman Cain

Tim Devannon and Kenny Kennedy are back in London to discuss Coach K's new coxswain, China's fake Britain, and rowers discovering the sail.

Doc has finally arrived in London to crash his face with Kenny's over the dangerous Night Olympics, the shot putters' glorious forearms, and the ...

Lithuanian Dream Team Loses By 20

Liberian Swimmer Spends Entirety Of Qualifying Race Furiously Scooping Water Into Mouth

Blind South Korean Archer Sets New World Record Before Accidentally Murdering Eight

LeBron James, Michael Phelps Combine For Incredibly Awkward High Five In Olympic Village

Trees Planted At Site Of Former Paterno Statue Already Dead

Usain Bolt Spotted At Nightclub Celebrating With Time Clock

NFL's First Female Referee Completely Overlooked How Horrendous Field Of Play Would Smell

Republicans are reminding seniors to take their blood pressure medication, hoping they won't die before voting on Election Day.

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was ...

Staff editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly once again gives readers a peek inside his creative process.

ATLANTA—Returning home from work Wednesday evening, area woman Caitlin Levy suddenly realized that, quite unusually, she had not been harassed or propositioned for sex ...

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future ...