Issue 4833

Breaking Bad

AMC 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Walt ups the ante when he discovers he can make much more money through careful observation of financial trends and prudent investment in the stock market.

Torrent Time

G4 4:00 a.m. EDT/3:00 a.m. CDT This virtual showcase presents a selection of the web's most popular illegal downloads. This week: a Croatian dub of the The Dark Knight Rises and some pornography.

Nation's Women Not As Crazy About Bryan Gosling

A man thanks God he’s not sexually attracted to children, the nation’s women aren’t as crazy about Bryan Gosling, and the guy on the third floor with two computer screens on his desk is not fucking around.

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

'Huffington Post' Launches Some Sort Of New Thing

NEW YORK—This week The Huffington Post officially launched some sort of new thing, which company representatives said will provide an exciting, revolutionary new way for users to do something or other. “We are proud to provide users wit...

Not For Sale

This immaculate two-story colonial that has a swimming pool and kitchen with brand-new stainless steel appliances isn’t for sale, but you are more than welcome to stop by and congratulate me on my amazing house.

Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans

WASHINGTON—For the 17th straight year, a comprehensive international study conducted by the Pew Research Center has ranked the United States as the best nation in which to buy women's jeans.

Area Woman's Hair Always Wet

DENVER—Whether she's off running errands, meeting friends for drinks, or just relaxing in her apartment after work, local woman Amanda Chapman’s hair is always wet, sources reported Wednesday.

A Whole Lot Of House

There is way too much house here. You probably couldn’t even handle it. I won’t even mention the three bedrooms because it would blow your mind.

Contrasting Characters

ABC 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT Woman wants a common thing for women to want, but that won’t stop Man from going to an event men often attend. The only problem? It’s Child's birthday, and Child is ready to do a thing that children are charact...

Mars Rover's Discoveries

After completing a difficult landing on the Martian surface last week, NASA’s car-sized rover Curiosity has begun deploying its highly advanced cameras and instruments, which will provide the most thorough data on the Red Planet yet.

After-Work Drinks Enter Third Excruciating Minute

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources who felt professionally obligated to attend, minute three of a management-sponsored after-work gathering at Freddy's Bar and Backroom remains tortuous and almost unbearable for the seven employees of ProVantage Sol...

Man Thanks God He's Not Sexually Attracted To Children

TAMPA, FL—Saying his life would be much harder and more complex if it were the case, local accountant Jonathon Farlow, 31, took a private moment Wednesday to thank God he isn't sexually attracted to children. "I really lucked out there," F...

Pol Pot Conceived On Romantic Summer Evening

The Onion looks back at the romantic summer evening Pol Pot was conceived, the Panama Canal going over budget by 10,000 dead laborers, and the Beatles playing to 60,000 fans at Shea Stadium in a huge gig opening for the Mamas and the Papas.

The World Series Of Roulette

ESPN 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT The action heats up at the final table as last year’s champion Bobby Tran tries out a new, untested strategy of putting it all on red.

Focus: Who Is Paul Ryan?

Rep. Paul Ryan was announced Saturday as Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s vice presidential running mate. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the 42-year-old Wisconsin politician.

Gabby Douglas

Sixteen-year-old Gabby Douglas, known as the "flying squirrel," became the first American to win gold medals in the individual and team all-around competitions during the same Olympics.
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