DENVER—Displaying the tough no-nonsense talk and firm commitment to conservative principles that led to his selection as the Republican vice presidential candidate, Rep.

TAMPA, FL—Saying his life would be much harder and more complex if it were the case, local accountant Jonathon Farlow, 31, took a private ...

SEATTLE—In what the scientific community has hailed as a breakthrough achievement, zoologists have succeeded for the first time ever in training a chimpanzee to ...

NEW YORK—This week The Huffington Post officially launched some sort of new thing, which company representatives said will provide an exciting, revolutionary new way ...

KAMPALA, UGANDA—Powerball mania continues to grip Uganda after last night's nationwide lottery drawing failed to generate a winner, pushing the prize total up ...

PHILADELPHIA—Seated in the kitchen of her tastefully decorated apartment, local woman Jessica Beaumont looks the part of a typical young urbanite navigating life in ...

FORT WORTH, TX—Credible sources within your office reported Monday that the guy on the third floor with two computer screens on his desk is ...

NEW YORK—Sources confirmed that in response to Mitt Romney's announcement of Paul Ryan as his vice presidential running mate, your Republican friend will ...

LOS ANGELES—After enduring years of failed relationships and heartbreak, actress Jennifer Aniston is now engaged to boyfriend Justin Theroux, a man who is not ...

DES MOINES, IA—After appearing at his first solo campaign event since becoming the presumptive Republican nominee for vice president, Rep.

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources who felt professionally obligated to attend, minute three of a management-sponsored after-work gathering at Freddy's Bar and Backroom remains ...

DENVER—Whether she's off running errands, meeting friends for drinks, or just relaxing in her apartment after work, local woman Amanda Chapman’s hair ...

WASHINGTON—For the 17th straight year, a comprehensive international study conducted by the Pew Research Center has ranked the United States as the best nation ...

LONDON—Following Thursday’s announcement that Ecuador will grant him political asylum, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange told reporters that not even he is totally sure ...

HYATTSVILLE, MD—A new study released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that although the number of U.S.

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4 ...

ZAGREB, CROATIA—Sources within the Croatian government confirmed today that Prime Minister Zoran Milanović is currently stuck under a massive pile of turnips.

After completing a difficult landing on the Martian surface last week, NASA’s car-sized rover Curiosity has begun deploying its highly advanced cameras and instruments ...

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—While gazing at the clouds on a perfect sunny day, Connie Themes, 25, asked her boyfriend what he was thinking about and holy ...

SUMMIT, KY—The computer screen in Dr. James Hannock's examination room is displaying the Wikipedia page for influenza.

ROANOKE, VA—For just a moment, Daniel Stetson, 24, thought he was going to be able to pay his rent on time and still have ...

GLENDALE, CO—Tommy Merrilon, 11, looked at the wildfire on the horizon and came to the somber realization his PS3 would die one day.

$18.77 (-$4.24) (-18.43%) Stock prices fell sharply when shareholders realized that while the company does sell faucets, the water that comes out ...

LONDON—Women's individual all-around gold medalist and media darling Gabby Douglas admitted Thursday that as much as she loves all the attention she has ...

LOS ANGELES—An embarrassed Lakers management called a press conference Friday morning to announce they had accidentally orchestrated a four-team deal to acquire 7-inch center ...

LONDON—NBC Olympic reporter and 30-year veteran of the journalistic craft Andrea Kremer exhibited her unequaled interviewing talents last week by asking a gold-medal-winning swimmer ...

OGDEN, UT—During the medal ceremony for the women's 100-meter hurdles, 34-year-old Richard Bowen announced that he could totally design a much cooler Olympic ...

MILFORD, CT—Subway officials announced Friday that for a limited time all sandwiches on their menu would be drenched in chlorinated pool water to celebrate ...

PLAINSBORO, NJ—Local mother Ruth Conway, 38, reportedly expressed frustration Monday after realizing that her son's next Little League baseball game would be played ...

LONDON—Defying the odds with a stunning 107-100 upset victory over Spain, hot shot coach Mike Krzyzewski led the hapless misfits on the U.S.

AUSTIN, TX—Sources close to the University of Texas football team declined to speak with reporters Monday about who head coach Mack Brown was likely ...

SEATTLE—Seahawks wide receiver Terrell Owens announced Friday that he was still struggling to decide which of the team's three quarterbacks to undermine this ...

The NFL's replacement referees are off to an inauspicious start, bumbling numerous calls while officiating the first preseason games.

A new British study found that men placed in stressful situations tended to rate photographs of females with higher body mass indexes as more attractive ...

Protesting the tens of thousands of deaths in Mexico resulting from the U.S. drug war, a group calling itself the “Caravan for Peace with ...

Last week, pop songstress Beyoncé met Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon and performed at the U.N.’s General Assembly Hall, filming a music video for the ...

Eight of 11 midsize luxury sedans failed to pass the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety’s tough new front-end crash test, with four such automobiles ...

Following a successful petition started by three teenage girls from New Jersey, CNN’s chief political correspondent Candy Crowley has been chosen to moderate the ...

After scouring images from the global-mapping program Google Earth, blogger Angela Micol of North Carolina believes she may have found two previously unknown pyramid complexes ...

Under an Obama administration policy that went into effect yesterday, an estimated 1.7 million immigrants 30 or younger who were brought to the United ...

With West Nile virus on the rise nationwide and Texas accounting for more than half of this year’s deaths from the mosquito-borne disease, Dallas ...

Near the site of the 2011 nuclear accident in Fukushima, Japan, researchers have found severe mutations in the wings, antennae, legs, and eyes of pale ...

After making an anti-Putin music video and calling attention to Russia’s crackdown on political dissent, three members of the punk band Pussy Riot have ...

Dear The Onion In the future, could you keep those of us who are trying to piece together ransom notes in mind and print a ...

Dear The Onion, I'm having a real hard time today, and I just wanted millions of people to know. Thanks. Bill Daniels, Belmont, MA

A man thanks God he’s not sexually attracted to children, the nation’s women aren’t as crazy about Bryan Gosling, and the guy ...

ESPN 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT The action heats up at the final table as last year’s champion Bobby ...

ABC 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT Woman wants a common thing for women to want, but that won’t stop ...

G4 4:00 a.m. EDT/3:00 a.m. CDT This virtual showcase presents a selection of the web's most popular illegal downloads ...

AMC 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT Walt ups the ante when he discovers he can make much more money through ...

There is way too much house here. You probably couldn’t even handle it. I won’t even mention the three bedrooms because it would ...

This immaculate two-story colonial that has a swimming pool and kitchen with brand-new stainless steel appliances isn’t for sale, but you are more than ...

Terrell Owens Impresses Seahawks During Verbal Portion Of Tryout

Long Jumper Imagines Transatlantic Flight Is One Big, Long Jump

Ryan Lochte Tells Woman Sitting Next Him On Plane That The Olympics Were Whatever

In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy "Commander In Steve" alongside James Franco and Seth ...

Cobb County Evangelical Hospital held its 5th annual Walk to Cure Gayness this week, with thousands turning out to help raise funds and awareness for ...

The Onion looks back at the romantic summer evening Pol Pot was conceived, the Panama Canal going over budget by 10,000 dead laborers, and ...

MARIETTA, GA—As part of an ongoing effort to eradicate homosexuality, Cobb County Evangelical Hospital held its fifth annual Walk to Cure Gayness Sunday. Click ...

The Onion Weather Center provides its forecast for Los Angeles, where it’s another marvelous day to be Academy Award-nominated actor Greg Kinnear; temperatures are ...