The Week In Pictures

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Issue 4834

Law & Order: D.A.R.E. Unit

NBC 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT In this heart-wrenching episode, Detectives Ollie West and Bailey Swan are forced to arrest a kid who is so addicted to marijuana-smoking that he was rejected by every college he applied to and got caught up in shoplifting...

Annette and Barrett Carnell

Longtime married couple Annette and Barrett Carnell died last night side by side, bickering about who was bleeding out the worst.

Nathan Kroger

Nathan Kroger was crushed by a hay bale, which sounds like it might be light, but this hay bale happened to be extremely heavy.

New Sympathetic Alarm Clock Just Lets You Sleep

A woman is relieved to hear her rape was illegitimate, a 2nd-grade teacher can't believe how much fatter they keep getting, and college roommates continue their bonding process until real friends are made.

Frozen Man

ABC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Frozen Man remains unconscious and trapped in ice as a couple of scientists nearly discover him but give up drilling about 10 feet away.

Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis

ECONOPOLIS—As part of an effort to consolidate ties with the sovereign fiscal nation, U.S. Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke visited the cloud city-state of Econopolis on Friday to participate in ongoing diplomatic talks. Bernanke, who traveled ...

College Newspaper Endorses Barack Obama

NEW BRITAIN, CT—Calling him the "best person to lead this nation forward," the editors of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University's student newspaper, officially endorsed Barack Obama for president in a front-page editori...

Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook

MENLO PARK, CA—Saying that he thought it was a “safe bet” at first, local man Mark Zuckerberg, 28, told reporters Tuesday that—after going what he called “all in” on the business—he now regrets staking so much of ...

Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him

KETTERING, OH—After completing his first day at Fairmont High School on Tuesday, history teacher Ted Wilkinson reportedly spent most of the evening desperately praying that none of his new students ever feel inclined to Google him.

Restrictive Voter Laws On The Rise

This year 41 states have introduced at least 180 bills that would reduce voting, whether by requiring an ID at the polls, curbing registration drives, or limiting early balloting.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 21, 2012

Aries Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away. Taurus The stars indicate that you've really done it thi...

New Commercial Posits Existence Of Jaguars Fans

JACKSONVILLE, FL—In spite of a lack of real-world evidence supporting the presumption, a new Nike commercial that debuted on network television Friday featured actors dressed in Jacksonville Jaguars apparel and posited that fans of the AFC team exis...

America's Got Rabies

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT A Tennessee woman who was bitten by her neighbor’s dog must convince the judges she deserves to stay in the competition.

Brian Urlacher Confident He'll Be Ready To Sit Out Opener

CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher told reporters Saturday that he felt confident about being ready to sit out the team's season opener against the Colts, insisting that a sprained MCL would not prevent him from taking part in any action...

Rory McIlroy

Twenty-three-year-old Northern Irish golfer Rory McIlroy won the PGA Championship by a record eight strokes.

Lowlights Of Chad Johnson's Career

Wide receiver Chad Johnson's brief stint with the Miami Dolphins ended last week after the three-time All-Pro was arrested for a domestic dispute and subsequently cut from the team.

Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory

ALBANY, GA—By the conclusion of the 2012 London Games last Sunday, promising 12-year-old gymnast Alexandra Davids had already begun working diligently on an inspiring personal backstory for the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro.

Ground Emerges As Tim Tebow's Favorite Target

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—With competition heating up at practices, Jets coaches and players confirmed Thursday that the ground was quickly emerging as quarterback Tim Tebow’s favorite target and had already received 90 percent of the third-year player...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.