TAMPA, FL—Excitement on the floor of the Republican National Convention reached a fever pitch Tuesday, as attendees were treated to a rally at the ...

LOS GATOS, CA—According to sources within the company, Netflix's board of directors held a tense series of meetings Friday to decide whether the ...

TAMPA, FL—Republican National Convention officials are confirming that John McCain, the five-term senator from Arizona and former presidential nominee, has just shot and killed ...

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—During a press conference outside their Swiss headquarters Thursday, World Wildlife Fund officials backpedaled from a controversial press statement released by the organization ...

CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an ...

TAMPA, FL—Addressing thousands of faithful GOP supporters at the Republican National Convention Thursday evening, the best they could get right now formally accepted the ...

DENVER—According to bewildered sources near gate B52 at Denver International Airport, the man cheerfully and energetically going about his tasks behind the counter of ...

RED OAK, MI—Six-year-old Kevin Bligh confirmed Friday that the papers Daddy brings home from work with all the numbers on them mean there will ...

TAMPA, FL—With Tropical Storm Isaac’s torrential rains battering the Gulf Coast of Florida, Republican National Convention organizers raced to build a protective levee ...

TAMPA, FL—On the eve of the Republican National Convention, GOP officials have announced that the three-day event will feature a solid, all-star lineup of ...

CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders ...

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to better gauge the competition, scouts for the Democratic Party headed to the Republican National Convention in Tampa this week ...

TAMPA, FL—Ann Romney shocked the crowd at the Tampa Bay Times Forum into silence Tuesday, announcing during her remarks to the Republican National Convention ...

TAMPA, FL—According to sources on the floor of the Republican National Convention, former Florida governor Jeb Bush made his way through the crowd Wednesday ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Unequipped with a smartphone or any other way to access a consensus opinion on the restaurant’s food and service, local woman Tanya ...

TAMPA, FL—According to sources within Mitt Romney’s campaign, the presidential nominee’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention tonight will aim to ...

TAMPA, FL—By bringing to light the many factual inaccuracies in vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan’s speech to the Republican National Convention on Wednesday ...

MELVILLE, NY—Following an update Friday on the status of the chain's 238 pizzerias throughout the Midwest region, witnesses said Sbarro CEO James Greco ...

TAMPA, FL—Following Clint Eastwood’s surprise speech Thursday evening at the Republican National Convention, in which he used catchphrases from his old movies and ...

MOLINE, IL—Mitt Romney privately wondered this week just how in the name of living fuck he’s supposed to appeal to Asian voters, sources ...

WASHINGTON—Back on the campaign trail this weekend following the Republican National Convention, vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan recommended more than $120 million in cuts ...

Aries Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas. Taurus They say you ...

DOWNEY, CA—Instructors at St. Matthias Catholic Girls School can’t believe they have to answer this question, but yes, gay marriage between vampires is ...

HUDSON, FL—Crossing guard Karl Gordon, 57, sometimes likes to quietly tell children in the middle of the street that he has no real authority ...

FRANKFORT, KY—Summer's almost over, and Kaitlin DeForge hasn't gone outside even once.

RAPID CITY, SD—Craig Todd wanted to propose a 69 to his girlfriend without using the term "69," but gave up because it was too ...

AUSTIN, TX—Following cyclist Lance Armstrong’s announcement last night that he was dropping his opposition to charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs, a sense ...

SPOKANE, WA—Arena golfer John Daly was forced to withdraw from the Dick's Sporting Goods Classic at Spokane Arena Friday, displaying concussion-like symptoms following ...

HANGZHOU, CHINA—According to a disturbing report released Thursday by the Species Survival Network, Chinese poachers have slaughtered more than 280 endangered Yao Mings this ...

AUGUSTA, GA—In a historic move that may help eliminate gender barriers for "women" everywhere, Augusta National Golf Club announced Monday that former U.S ...

ORLANDO, FL—Sources within the Orlando Magic organization reported Thursday that the cover of the team's upcoming 2012-13 season preview guide would feature an ...

SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Shocking many parents, coaches, and spectators across the nation, former Penn State defensive coordinator and convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky was ...

ANAHEIM—In a final act of desperation, the Los Angeles Angels elected on Friday to deactivate underperforming center fielder Vernon Wells from their 25-man roster ...

HOUSTON—Citing the unbelievable lack of depth at virtually every position on their roster, team sources confirmed Monday that the Houston Astros, who have the ...

Augusta National Golf Club finally extended membership to women on Aug. 20, 2012, admitting Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore.

The manufacturer of Red Vines Black Licorice Twists recalled 16-ounce packages of the popular candy after the California Department of Public Health found they contained ...

Neil Armstrong, commander of the Apollo 11 mission and the first man to step foot on the moon, died Saturday following complications from heart surgery.

After wounding nine bystanders while killing a gunman outside the Empire State Building Friday and an earlier incident in which a knife-wielding man near Times ...

With the help of NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab, Black Eyed Peas star will.i.am is set to debut his newest single, “Reach For ...

After a major review of medical research, the American Academy of Pediatrics announced that the benefits of circumcising newborn males outweighed the risks, citing in ...

With four visitors who stayed in cabins at Yosemite National Park this summer having contracted hantavirus, and two having died from the rodent-spread disease, park ...

Citing vigilant patrolling by international forces and heightened security by shippers, the U.S. Navy stated that so far this year pirates have carried out ...

Seven years to the day after Hurricane Katrina made landfall, New Orleans managed to survive a battering from Hurricane Isaac yesterday, with its reinforced system ...

Actress Lindsay Lohan has been banned from the chic Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood, where she lived during June and July, after failing to pay ...

Speaking nearly 12 minutes instead of his allotted five, Oscar-winning director and actor Clint Eastwood, 82, delivered unusual, rambling remarks at the Republican National Convention ...

Dear The Onion, I found journalist Mark Summerfeld’s review of last Saturday’s fireworks show to be spot on. He was 100 percent right ...

Dear The Onion, Unfortunately, I have to cancel my subscription since I’m joining a monastery and taking a vow of blindness. Johnny Chen, Vienna ...

In the Daily Briefing, NASA scientists ask the Russians to please stop using the ISS as a personal porn studio and a Taliban attack on ...

Back to story: Netflix Board Of Directors Meets To Decide If 'Michael' Is Stream Worthy

A hot new murder craze sweeps Chicago, the Netflix board of directors meets to decide if ‘Michael’ is stream worthy, and Jeb Bush warns RNC ...

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Nick Lachey dies in a friendly-fire incident after Picabo Street mistakes him for the ...

NBC 1:00 p.m. EDT/12:00 p.m. CDT A volatile Jennifer pulls a knife on Sonny in the last episode you’ll ...

Game Show 4:00 p.m. EDT/3:00 p.m. CDT Can Team Knife turn it around?

Tim Darje kissed his bride for the first time as man and wife in front of everyone Saturday, but really hoped none of his buddies ...

Patty Reese and Ken Sanders kept their invitation list manageable by going with a peanut- and shellfish-themed wedding.

Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen were united in marriage Saturday in a lovely ceremony during which, let’s face it, it crossed every guest’s ...

Doc's back on the road and Kenny's at home as they yell about Roger Goodell secretly making the NFL's preseason games count ...

Little League World Series Manager Slaps 12-Year-Old Pitcher Right In Face So Confidently, Nobody Says A Damn Thing

Greg Oden Announces Plans To Return To Surgery

Little Brother Already Crying Two Minutes Into Backyard Football Game

Giants Distraught After X-Rays Reveal Hairline Crack In Met-Life Stadium

Penn State Bans The Who's 'Fiddle About' During Games

Gold Medal Keeps Smacking Andy Murray In Face During U.S. Open Match

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Northeast, where it's a perfect day for a wealthy brat to fall off her daddy's horse ...