Gun vs. Knives

Top Headlines

Issue 4835

Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen

Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen were united in marriage Saturday in a lovely ceremony during which, let’s face it, it crossed every guest’s mind at one point or another that the couple was going to have some real pale and mole-y children.

Days Of Our Lives

NBC 1:00 p.m. EDT/12:00 p.m. CDT A volatile Jennifer pulls a knife on Sonny in the last episode you’ll watch before going back to school for fall.

Best They Could Get Accepts Republican Nomination

TAMPA, FL—Addressing thousands of faithful GOP supporters at the Republican National Convention Thursday evening, the best they could get right now formally accepted the party’s nomination for the presidency of the United States. “It is ...

John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech

Senator Had Been Depressed About Current State Of GOP, Career

TAMPA, FL—Republican National Convention officials are confirming that John McCain, the five-term senator from Arizona and former presidential nominee, has just shot and killed himself during his address to GOP delegates. McCain—who at various...

Tim Darje

Tim Darje kissed his bride for the first time as man and wife in front of everyone Saturday, but really hoped none of his buddies saw.

Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd

TAMPA, FL—Excitement on the floor of the Republican National Convention reached a fever pitch Tuesday, as attendees were treated to a rally at the Tampa Bay Times Forum featuring the savage beating of an openly gay Marine. Amidst the deafening roar ...

Astros Not Even Good Enough To Play For Pride

HOUSTON—Citing the unbelievable lack of depth at virtually every position on their roster, team sources confirmed Monday that the Houston Astros, who have the worst record in the majors, are not even good enough to play for pride at this point.

Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago

CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders occurring almost every day of the week, and sometimes happening well into the night.  ...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 28, 2012

Aries Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas. Taurus They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s because “head for tumors...

Stars Earn Stripes

NBC 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Nick Lachey dies in a friendly-fire incident after Picabo Street mistakes him for the enemy.

Roger Clemens

Taking the mound for the first time in five years, 50-year-old pitcher Roger Clemens is attempting a comeback in the Atlantic League of Professional Baseball with the Sugar Land Skeeters.

Lance Armstrong Lets Down Single Person Who Still Believed Him

Year In Review

AUSTIN, TX—Following cyclist Lance Armstrong’s announcement last night that he was dropping his opposition to charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs, a sense of profound disappointment reportedly settled over the single individual le...

Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

AUGUSTA, GA—In a historic move that may help eliminate gender barriers for "women" everywhere, Augusta National Golf Club announced Monday that former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage