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Issue 4836

Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-...

New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.

NFL On Fox

Fox 12:00 p.m. EDT/11:00 a.m. CDT In the empty, darkened studio, Terry Bradshaw waits quietly for someone to josh with.

Homeless Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Parents

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—With a long-planned weekend visit from his parents looming closer, local homeless man David Ruffner told reporters Friday he has been scrambling to come up with things to do with his mother and father during their stay.

Highlights Of The DNC

The Democratic National Convention, held this week in Charlotte, NC, featured dozens of speeches, the formal adoption of the party's 2012 platform, and the official renomination of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden.

Guantánamo Prisoners Released Into Cheering DNC Crowd

CHARLOTTE, NC—Drawing thunderous applause and roars of approval from the 20,000 Democrats in attendance, top party officials released all 168 remaining detainees from the Guantánamo Bay detention facility into the Time Warner Cable Arena on T...

Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC

CHARLOTTE, NC—The first family has turned more than a few heads at this week’s Democratic National Convention, where the president, as he greets delegates and waves to crowds of supporters, is often accompanied not only by his wife and two dau...

Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases

WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their new agent, Rory McCleft, has already started to help the nine-member panel land more high-profile cases. Earl...

S'More Than Just S'Mores!

Food 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT You’d think you could make much “s’more” than just s’mores with chocolate, marshmallows, and some graham crackers, but it turns out that’s really all you can make with them, so that...


The 2012 NFL Kickoff game showcases a classic division rivalry between the Super Bowl champion New York Giants and the defending NFC East third place champion Dallas Cowboys.

DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008

CHARLOTTE, NC—With the 2012 Democratic National Convention now under way in Charlotte, Beltway observers are reporting that the mood inside the Time Warner Cable Arena remains spirited and optimistic, despite a noticeable lack of the delusional, com...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 4, 2012

Aries All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us? Taurus You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-ma...

Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention

WASHINGTON—Saying it was his duty to "heed the call of the open road," Vice President Joe Biden set off hitchhiking to the Democratic National Convention today, relying solely on his charm and the generosity of passing motorists to make hi...

Americans Take Day Off From Looking For Work

NEW YORK—Citing the day-in, day-out grind of waking up early every morning and plugging away nonstop to find a job, Americans across the nation are spending their Labor Day taking a well-deserved day off from looking for work.

Cowboys Give Dez Bryant List Of Rules He Can Break

DALLAS—In response to numerous off-the-field issues over the past several years, team sources confirmed Friday that the Dallas Cowboys have provided wide receiver Dez Bryant with a clear set of personal conduct rules that he is allowed to break.
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