CHARLOTTE, NC—With the 2012 Democratic National Convention now under way in Charlotte, Beltway observers are reporting that the mood inside the Time Warner Cable ...

NEW YORK—According to publisher HarperCollins, 82-year-old actor Clint Eastwood’s new autobiography, I…Where You’re Alive And They—You Write A Book About ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—During his speech Wednesday evening at the Democratic National Convention in downtown Charlotte, former U.S.

WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—The first family has turned more than a few heads at this week’s Democratic National Convention, where the president, as he greets ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Accepting his renomination at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden countered recent Republican criticisms by asserting that most Americans ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his ...

NEW YORK—Every member of local improvisational troupe “Calhoun” is balding, audience members observed Tuesday during the group’s 8 p.m.

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp ...

WASHINGTON—A U.S. Department of Agriculture report published Monday revealed the average American consumes 156 pounds of sugar a year but would, ideally, prefer ...

GAPYEONG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing the myriad bizarre religious customs practiced by the Unification Church, sources told reporters Monday that they expect the funeral of recently ...

WASHINGTON—Citizens browsing news sites across the United States expressed frustration Monday after being forced to skim past more headlines about the ongoing patent infringement ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—The keynote address at the Democratic National Convention tonight will be delivered by San Antonio mayor Julián Castro, who party sources have ...

LOS ANGELES—Before moving on to the normal business of Maroon 5’s Wednesday morning all-staff meeting, manager Jordan Feldstein reportedly took a moment to ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—According to high-level campaign sources, the second night of the Democratic National Convention will consist solely of three straight hours of the late ...

LOS ANGELES—Following last Sunday’s Breaking Bad midseason finale, creator and showrunner Vince Gilligan told reporters that in a departure from the “light, fun ...

COVINGTON, KY—More than two years after losing his last job in a brutal round of layoffs and moving back in with his parents, local ...

LONDON—Feeling that his sons were finally mature enough to handle the truth, Prince Charles reportedly decided Thursday to tell Princes William and Harry what ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Drawing thunderous applause and roars of approval from the 20,000 Democrats in attendance, top party officials released all 168 remaining detainees from ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Rising Democratic star John Kerry took the stage at his party’s national convention Thursday night, delivering a rousing speech that many political ...

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—With a long-planned weekend visit from his parents looming closer, local homeless man David Ruffner told reporters Friday he has been scrambling to ...

GLENCOE, IL—Concerned mother Eva Germaine, 42, has already picked out the perfect picture to release to the media should her daughter Brittney, 16, ever ...

SAN DIEGO—The San Diego Zoo continues to welcome the record crowds coming from far and wide to see its latest attraction: Ren, the first ...

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since ...

The Democratic National Convention, held this week in Charlotte, NC, featured dozens of speeches, the formal adoption of the party's 2012 platform, and the ...

Aries All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't ...

BRADDOCK, PA—Lonely area man David Sheedy, 36, wondered if there was any chance he could get in on one of those arranged marriages if ...

SHERMAN, TX—Restaurant patron Trevor Lundy came to the welcome realization that if he stopped leaving tips, he would have more money to spend on ...

CHICAGO, IL—Dennis Kramer, 25, decided the person with the Wi-Fi network "Jowls Verne" was okay in his book.

EMPORIA, KS—Susan Herbert is concerned about her 50-pound Beagle's weight, but admits that when he asks for a Pringle like that, it's ...

$18.09 (-$1.35) (-6.94%) Consumer interest withdrew sharply when no one working would just come up to the fucking counter.

PITTSBURGH—A team of specialists helping Pittsburgh Penguins center Sidney Crosby to recover from multiple concussions announced Thursday that the All-Star has dramatically improved his ...

BUFFALO, NY—In the wake of his release from the Bills earlier this week, quarterback Vince Young was reportedly spotted sitting alone Thursday night rewatching ...

DALLAS—In response to numerous off-the-field issues over the past several years, team sources confirmed Friday that the Dallas Cowboys have provided wide receiver Dez ...

BURLINGTON, VT—Utterly disoriented after changing minor-league teams and cities several times in the past year, Vermont Lake Monsters pitcher Shane McCatty told reporters Saturday ...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dismayed Kansas City Chiefs personnel told reporters Monday that backup quarterback Brady Quinn had mistakenly received a copy of Arnold Lobel's ...

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Reports out of Arizona Cardinals training camp confirmed that for the third time this preseason—and the 33rd time since he retired in ...

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Members of the New York Yankees reportedly failed to experience even the slightest tinge of emotion Monday while hugging teammate Alex Rodriguez ...

With Nike set to release its new LeBron X sneaker this fall, the alleged $315 retail price of the shoe’s premium version has caused ...

A new CDC report found a surge in the number of children treated for ingesting the button batteries used in small devices like toys, watches ...

A study from the Department of Transportation found that aircraft bird strikes in the U.S. have increased more than fivefold since 1990, with nearly ...

Activist groups claimed that 5,000 Syrians were killed last month as the Assad regime stepped up its bloody crackdown on the nation’s civilian ...

The three-day Democratic National Convention kicks off today at the Time Warner Cable Arena in Charlotte, NC, with prime-time addresses from first lady Michelle Obama ...

A study published in Nature Medicine found the sense of smell in mice could be restored by administering gene therapy via injections to the nose ...

The first two entirely vegetarian McDonald’s restaurants are scheduled to open next year near Hindu and Sikh pilgrimage sites in northern India, offering items ...

A study by Stanford University researchers found that organic meats and produce did not possess more vitamins or nutrients than their conventional counterparts, casting doubts ...

Due to the likelihood of severe storms, President Obama’s acceptance speech tonight at the Democratic National Convention has been moved from the 73,000-seat ...

According to recent reports from advocacy groups, elephants in central Africa are being slaughtered at rates unseen since the 1980s, with ivory prices skyrocketing due ...

London-based boy band One Direction took home three MTV Video Music Awards last night, beating out Rihanna, Maroon 5, and Justin Bieber for best pop ...

The First Responders discuss how to keep the amateur porn you make from affecting your job search.

Every member of a local improvisational troupe is balding, Prince Charles feels his sons are finally mature enough to handle the truth about what happened ...

Last Monday The Onion stated that it was a holiday when, in fact, it wasn’t. We apologize to all those who lost their jobs.

You people say what you want, but tomatoes are a goddamn vegetable. The Onion regrets nothing.

Food 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT You’d think you could make much “s’more” than just s’mores with ...

Bravo 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT Jennifer’s is.

Fox 12:00 p.m. EDT/11:00 a.m. CDT In the empty, darkened studio, Terry Bradshaw waits quietly for someone to josh with.

Doc and Kenny read and shout the mail, with letters about the racist Cleveland Indians, Lance Armstrong in Norway, a shy Adrian Gonzalez, and a ...

Eagles Say Michael Vick Should Be Ready For Thursday Night Injury

Matt Flynn Not Going To Argue With $19.5 Million For Sitting On Bench

Peyton Manning Refuses To Let Broncos Take A Silly One For Team Photo

B.J. Raji Asks Equipment Manager For Hand Warming Pouch To Keep His Pizza Rolls Hot During Games

Biden says he's always on the lookout for travel partners he can share some "weed, whites, and whiskey" with.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was his duty to "heed the call of the open road," Vice President Joe Biden set off hitchhiking to the Democratic National ...

The Onion Weather Center takes a look at the weather in the Pacific Northwest, specifically Mill Plain, WA where Sara now lives with the kids ...

Sept. 4—On Tuesday, sheriff’s deputies raided the wrong apartment on Oak Avenue, but still let their German shepherd bite onto the occupant’s ...