WASHINGTON—Speaking at an impromptu press conference early this morning, FBI officials revealed the discovery of new information regarding a possible terrorist attack within the ...
PROVIDENCE, RI—Citing “overwhelming evidence,” 9/11 Truth movement adherent Dennis E.
NEW YORK—Saying they wanted to do something special to commemorate the 11th anniversary of the tragedy, NBC officials confirmed the network would pay tribute ...
BELMONT, MA—Visiting the home of running mate Mitt Romney today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) was reportedly knocked to the floor by a pack of ...
RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican ...
STAMFORD, CT—Employees at Greenberg Consulting Group confirmed Friday that accountant Tim Eriksen’s girlfriend, who was widely assumed to be very good-looking, is not ...
MINNEAPOLIS—Retail giant Target announced Monday that, due to a complete lack of public interest or attention in the conflict, the company is ending its ...
NEW YORK—In cities and communities throughout the nation today, Americans gathered by the thousands to commemorate the blissful ignorance of Sept.
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After asking why the United States was in Afghanistan in the first place, 18-year-old U.S.
LOS ANGELES—Seeking to expand on two of their most beloved properties, 20th Century Fox executives have approved production on United 93 vs.
SAN FRANCISCO—With CEO Tim Cook stating that desperate customers would surely “line up like idiots” to purchase the offensive product anyway, Apple announced today ...
MANCHESTER, NH—Seeking new ways to appeal to the 18-to-29-year-old electorate, Mitt Romney hosted the first of several planned “Rockin’ Romney Friday Nite GOPizza Parties ...
NEW YORK—According to sources, a piece appearing in this month’s issue of Vanity Fair magazine about actress, comedian, and author Mindy Kaling does ...
BEDFORD, MA—In an exciting extension of their product line, the creators of the Roomba-brand self-directed vacuum cleaner have introduced the Yumba, a new household ...
WASHINGTON—According to reports, the vast majority of Americans have attention spans so low they stopped reading this very article several words ago.
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Criticizing the Obama administration’s response to the current crisis in Libya and Egypt, Mitt Romney told reporters Wednesday that we should never ...
AUBURN, ME—Sources confirmed today that the smiling 3-year-old boy happily playing with his 7-year-old brother on their family’s backyard swing set will, in ...
WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex ...
CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Wednesday that, for three straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in ...
'We Spent It All' Reveals Bernanke
WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation’s finances at a major economic conference Friday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke acknowledged that for the past three years the ...
CHICAGO—Visitors to the Art Institute of Chicago reported Saturday that their trip to the celebrated museum was entirely dominated by the guilt they felt ...
ST. LOUIS—In what appears to be a completely earnest attempt to revitalize a sluggish local economy, St.
Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the widely anticipated latest generation of the iPhone at a press event Wednesday.
Aries The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds. Taurus Your quest for abs ...
SHARPSBURG, MD—In an effort to bring a little more authenticity to his Civil War reenactment society, 31-year-old infantryman Taylor Stockton pretended to die of ...
LINDEN, TN—After seeing the extent of the fire consuming the Franklin home, volunteer firefighter Alex McGahee exercised his option to stop volunteering.
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Peter Bennet would never have mentioned to his coworkers how much he enjoyed his trip to Tallahassee if he had known they were ...
$39.03 (+$3.27) (+9.14%) Investors enthusiastically rallied behind the company following its announcement that it is now the fourth-largest retailer of Q-tips in ...
NEW YORK—After losing in the fourth round of the U.S. Open to Juan Martin del Potro, Andy Roddick officially retired from professional tennis ...
CHICAGO—According to a statement released Thursday by the Chicago Cubs front office, fans of the 136-year-old baseball franchise are now too fat to attend ...
NEW YORK—In a new effort to deter rule violations and reduce penalty rates across the league, the NFL announced Thursday it would install hundreds ...
CLEVELAND—Though the team has yet to play a single game, a report published Thursday by Sports Illustrated football writer Peter King confirmed that it ...
CHICAGO—Promising to "change the way people think about surrendering possession," Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Mike Tice told reporters Saturday that he is currently developing ...
DENVER—Team sources confirmed Monday that members of the Denver Broncos' receiving corps are still struggling to remember they can now run more than five ...
WASHINGTON—With Stephen Strasburg reaching his innings limit for the year, Nationals personnel announced plans Sunday to shut down the star pitcher for the remainder ...
The Broncos host the Steelers in a rematch of the 2012 wild-card game, but this time Denver has an actual quarterback. Here’s what each ...
Piloting a motorized hang glider and wearing a costume designed to mimic a Siberian white crane, Russian president Vladimir Putin participated in a project to ...
Unable to reach an agreement with city officials on issues of job security, health benefits, and teacher evaluations, 26,000 employees of Chicago’s public ...
Researchers at the University of California, Santa Cruz, found that kelp forests were able to absorb 12 times more carbon dioxide in the presence of ...
The Chinese government has failed to explain why Xi Jinping, widely presumed to be named the country’s new president in a few weeks, has ...
Trenton, NJ mayor Tony Mack was arrested on corruption charges Monday following an FBI sting operation in which he allegedly accepted $119,000 in kickbacks ...
The 14-minute trailer for an obscure low-budget movie that mocks the life of Muslim prophet Muhammad and was produced by an Israeli-American real estate developer ...
Katie Couric’s new talk show, Katie, earned far higher ratings this week than the debuts of competing programs hosted by Ricki Lake, Jeff Probst ...
Previously undocumented by science but known to locals as the lesula, a shy species of monkey with a hairless face and blond mane was discovered ...
Dear The Onion, My eyesight is failing me. Can you start calling me and telling me what happened? I do not need to hear the ...
Shelby Cross warns viewers to protect themselves by becoming a completely different person every few years.
Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for ...
Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of ...
History
8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT
The lives of Robert F. Kennedy, Winston Churchill, and Secretariat are reimagined.
ABC
10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT
On-call resident Dana St. John has to break away from her cross-examination to perform ...
Tennis Player Withdrawing From Match Draws Largest Ovation Of Entire US Open
Sandusky's Buddies Still Giving Him Shit
Jaguars Offensive Line Not Sure They Can Open Big Enough Hole For Maurice Jones Drew
Urban Meyer Just Going To Ignore Sharp Pains Shooting Through Chest During Central Florida Game
Fantasy Football Team Booed
Report: Repeated Exposure To Matt Millen Football Analysis Could Have Disastrous Effects On Human Brain
'Just 15 More To Go,' Wincing Peyton Manning Tells Self
Mandatory Viewing For All Americans
According to sources at the Boston Sports Club on Newbury Street, a personal trainer at the exercise facility is currently forcing a local man to ...
According to sources at the Boston Sports Club on Newbury Street, a personal trainer at the exercise facility is currently forcing a local man to ...
The Onion Weather Center delivers a very special weather report for all of our very special viewers in the Deep South, who require a little ...
