Issue 4838

Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes

Great, Now She’ll Be Late

LEXINGTON, MA—According to sources within the car-pool lane at Lexington High School, your mom has been waiting for you in the car for over 20 minutes, and now she’s going to be late, which is just great.

That Chair Over There

No one’s using it at the moment. Go ahead, take a seat. You can always get up if someone comes back.

Drunk Women Find Their Run Across Busy Street Hilarious

HOUSTON—An intoxicated cross-intersection run was found uproariously funny Saturday night when the drunken staff of the Clips ’N’ Curls hair salon engaged in a disorganized and evidently humorous trek past the intersection of Main Street...

Partygoer Rolls A Couple Of Fat Burritos To Pass Around

EUGENE, OR—According to anonymous sources, guests at the University of Oregon’s Sigma Nu fraternity house Friday rejoiced when fellow party attendee Jeff Lyons unzipped a bag of shredded lettuce, expertly licked the edges of two tortillas, and...

There Will Be Smells

Come stick your nose up in the air! Beautiful Charlotte, NC is an olfactory delight—flowers,barbecue, motorsports, and for just the right aficionado, maybe an old cigar or two!


Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT In a special Star Trek–themed episode, the team tests whether or not exposure to the Genesis Device would actually result in the rapid aging depicted in Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 18, 2012

Aries You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week. Taurus Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life le...

Henry Freiberg

Henry Freiberg, 33, waited until the waiter cleared the plates before he resumed texting.

Fun-Loving Turtle All Business When It's Feeding Time

GATLINBURG, TN—Though playful and fun-loving through the vast majority of his day, local pet turtle Beeper instantly ceases all frivolity and grows intensely focused when it comes time for his daily feeding, owner Martin DeCarlo reported Monday.

Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days

SCHAUMBURG, IL—In a turn of events that has stunned the worldwide medical community, local infant Nathan Jameson, born just six days ago, has become the youngest person ever to permanently and irrevocably lose all faith in humanity. “This shat...

Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory

TRANSFATSYLVANIA—Conducting an immoral and reprehensible snacksperiment, Doritologists working in the Frito-Layboratory reportedly unleashed an evil of cheddarclysmic proportions Monday when they brought an appalling munchstrosity to life.

Ray Rice

Tragic Childhoods per Attempt: 1 Little-Known Fact: Has never formally met Joe Flacco Biggest Regret: Picked his number too quickly Running Style: Put head down and try not to get killed Fantasy Outlook: Very good chanc...

Ndamukong Suh

Strength: Amazing flexibility when twisting quarterback’s head off Detroit-Area Families That Could Be Fed with Expected 2012 Fines: 14 Preferred Type of Rage: Blinding Leadership Skills: Sets an example for his teammate...

Peyton Manning

Role Among His Teammates:: Uninterested-father figure Favorite Denver Hangout: Dr. Jensen’s Chiropractors on York and Fifth Little-Known Fact: Yells his audibles in the key of G minor Goal: Walk out of locker room in Jan...

Three Players To Watch In Week 2

Onion Sports highlights three top-flight players — Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice, Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning, and Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh — to keep an eye on heading into Week 2 of the NFL season. Begin the guide now: Peyton...

Report: Calvin Johnson Probably Works Out Fairly Often

DETROIT—Numerous sources confirmed Friday that Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson probably works out at the gym fairly regularly, speculating, after they watched the two-time All-Pro run across the football field, that the 26-year-old must d...

Bears vs. Packers

The Bears go to Lambeau Field to take on the Packers in a rivalry that's as old and clichéd as the NFL itself.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Bird Sniffer


8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT

Ornithologist and acclaimed odor-describer Dr. Charles Wemple attempts to get a rare whiff of a freshly hatched ivory-billed woodpecker before the mother pecks the bejeezus out of his face.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.