SALT LAKE CITY—Seeking to limit the fallout from a videotaped speech in which he asserts 47 percent of Americans “pay no taxes” and do ...

BOSTON—Following the widespread controversy over Mitt Romney’s recently leaked comments criticizing Americans who depend on the government, Republican vice presidential candidate and widely ...

STANFORD, CA—Citing how devastatingly uncomfortable it makes people feel, a new report released by the Stanford University Sociology Department revealed Wednesday that it’s ...

LOS ANGELES—Responding to the ongoing protests from millions of Muslims over the depictions of the Prophet Muhammad, American television channel Nick Jr.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Steeling himself against brutal market conditions and an unforgiving fiscal climate, fearless local man Calvin Ordway boldly set out into the U ...

TRANSFATSYLVANIA—Conducting an immoral and reprehensible snacksperiment, Doritologists working in the Frito-Layboratory reportedly unleashed an evil of cheddarclysmic proportions Monday when they brought an appalling ...

GATLINBURG, TN—Though playful and fun-loving through the vast majority of his day, local pet turtle Beeper instantly ceases all frivolity and grows intensely focused ...

CINCINNATI—Still reeling from the visceral thrill of canceling a party appearance 34 minutes before its scheduled start time, Pam Watford confirmed Saturday the breach ...

NEW YORK—Suppressing all memories of his childhood dreams, DDB Worldwide marketing executive Gene Strassman reportedly spoke aloud instructions to himself to confront the day ...

LOS ANGELES—Singer-songwriter Bob Dylan’s posthumously recorded 35th studio album Tempest, released Sept. 10, has been enjoying widespread acclaim from top music critics across ...

LONDON—Prince Harry of Wales caused yet another headache for the royal family this week as reports surfaced that the military base in Afghanistan where ...

DALLAS—With his campaign still reeling from a series of miscues, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney asked a group of top advisers Wednesday whether it ...

EUGENE, OR—According to anonymous sources, guests at the University of Oregon’s Sigma Nu fraternity house Friday rejoiced when fellow party attendee Jeff Lyons ...

CAIRO—Sighing dejectedly Thursday morning as she watched her screaming husband depart for yet another massive anti-American protest in Tahrir Square, local woman Samira Khalil ...

LOS ANGELES—The nation’s hunchbacked, out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which ...

HOUSTON—An intoxicated cross-intersection run was found uproariously funny Saturday night when the drunken staff of the Clips ’N’ Curls hair salon engaged in a ...

CARLISLE, MA—Planning for his family’s Saturday evening flight to Florida, local dad Walter Holbrook suggested arriving at the airport at least 14 hours ...

LEXINGTON, MA—According to sources within the car-pool lane at Lexington High School, your mom has been waiting for you in the car for over ...

WASHINGTON—Claiming he has always been “a bit of a loner,” members of Congress expressed their deep concern Friday about Sen.

RENTON, WA—Neighborhood witnesses confirmed Sunday that the McAuliffe’s easy 7-year-old son Dylan always has a steady stream of friends going in and out ...

Aries You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week ...

EAGLE, CO—Gil Nachez, 26, was relieved to discover he wasn't the first person to type "What does it mean when you pee a ...

SHEFFIELD, MA—Students in Mr. Cronin's seventh-period English class were treated to a pleasant surprise when a sudden phone call prevented him from fast-forwarding ...

DALLAS—Richard DeMuro, 29, ran past the park where he grew up, reflecting on the many schoolyard taunts he received then, and on how he ...

MADISON, WI—Mother of three Debbie Richardson wasn't sure which of her son's friends the T-shirt she found belonged to, but thought it ...

$14.58 (+$0.96) (+7.05%) Stock prices jumped after the funeral services company announced its new “30 minutes or less” guarantee.

  

NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was reportedly growing increasingly annoyed Thursday while frantically searching the Internet for a live stream of the Bears, Packers ...

MIAMI—Following their convincing 30-10 loss during week one of the NFL season, several members of the Miami Dolphins displayed unheralded confidence this week, openly ...

Onion Sports highlights three top-flight players — Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice, Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning, and Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh — to keep an ...

Role Among His Teammates:: Uninterested-father figure Favorite Denver Hangout: Dr. Jensen’s Chiropractors on York and Fifth Little-Known Fact: Yells his audibles in the key ...

Strength: Amazing flexibility when twisting quarterback’s head off Detroit-Area Families That Could Be Fed with Expected 2012 Fines: 14 Preferred Type of Rage: Blinding ...

Tragic Childhoods per Attempt: 1 Little-Known Fact: Has never formally met Joe Flacco Biggest Regret: Picked his number too quickly Running Style: Put head down ...

BALTIMORE—Exploiting a legal technicality that allowed him to regain full ownership of the Cleveland Browns organization in death, former team owner Art Modell specified ...

DETROIT—Bragging to teammates and coaches on the sidelines, Rams cornerback Janoris Jenkins reportedly boasted on several occasions Sunday that he got laid during a ...

DETROIT—Numerous sources confirmed Friday that Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson probably works out at the gym fairly regularly, speculating, after they watched the ...

ST. LOUIS—During Sunday’s game against the St. Louis Rams, Washington Redskins fans across the country were reportedly having an extremely difficult time remembering ...

BRISTOL, CT—Sensing the 9-year-old is now old enough to engage in a heated debate on the subject, Stephen A.

HEAVEN—Legendary sports broadcaster Harry Kalas narrated NFL Films co-founder Steve Sabol’s ascension to heaven Tuesday, providing a stirring play-by-play of the 69-year-old soul ...

BALTIMORE—Following an anemic late-game performance against the Eagles last weekend, Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco confidently told reporters Thursday that he has now conclusively ...

TEMPE, AZ—Excited by Arizona’s surprising 2-0 record and expressing confidence that the Cardinals will have “the best season ever,” 7-year-old Jonathan Burley appeared ...

The Bears go to Lambeau Field to take on the Packers in a rivalry that's as old and clichéd as the NFL itself.

Earlier this week, two amateur astronomers witnessed and captured video of what appeared to be a 100-mile-wide fireball in the atmosphere of Jupiter, a phenomenon ...

The British royal family is considering legal action after the French gossip magazine Closer published paparazzi photos of Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, sunbathing topless ...

Redesigned for the first time in its 30 years in print, USA Today, the nation’s second-largest newspaper by circulation, now features more color, photos ...

After five disappointing false pregnancies, Mei Xiang, the female panda at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., gave birth to a four-ounce cub last ...

On Meet the Press Sunday, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu said Iran would have nuclear weapons capability in six to seven months and urged Americans ...

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that teens who sent sexually explicit texts or photos were seven times more likely to be sexually active ...

Ed Gillespie, a top adviser to Mitt Romney, admitted the campaign had thus far failed to provide enough details about policy proposals and said a ...

According to projections from health advocacy organizations, more than half the adult population in 39 states will be clinically obese by 2030, with Mississippi predicted ...

A year after the end of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” a new study shows that allowing homosexuals to serve openly in the armed ...

After testing more than 200 common rice products and finding “significant” and “worrisome” levels of inorganic arsenic, a toxin and known carcinogen, in nearly every ...

Sixteen members of a breakaway Amish group in Ohio face 10 years or more in prison after a religious dispute led them to enter the ...

Tens of thousands of Americans have found themselves tragically unable to tear themselves away from televisions showing a man who owns 30 chihuahuas.

The GOP is secretly relieved they can get started on 2016, a newborn loses all faith in humanity after a record six days, and a ...

Henry Freiberg, 33, waited until the waiter cleared the plates before he resumed texting.

The Amtower family's copy of Monopoly still has all its pieces.

In Sunday’s Obituaries section, we accidentally printed the names of everyone who hadn’t died.

We would like to apologize for stating last week that The Onion is “bigger than Jesus.” What we meant to imply is that The Onion ...

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT In a special Star Trek–themed episode, the team tests whether or not exposure ...

PBS 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Ornithologist and acclaimed odor-describer Dr. Charles Wemple attempts to get a rare whiff of ...

Come stick your nose up in the air! Beautiful Charlotte, NC is an olfactory delight—flowers,barbecue, motorsports, and for just the right aficionado, maybe ...

No one’s using it at the moment. Go ahead, take a seat. You can always get up if someone comes back.

Baseball Fan Going To Put That In Historical Context For You

Bears Hold On-Field Ceremony To Pass Out Rings For Week One Victory Over Colts

Colts' 'Suck For Luck' Strategy Enters Second Season

Kevin Kolb Game-Winning Performance Stuns Patriots, Cardinals

Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

The Onion Weather Center provides its forecast for Sarasota, Florida where it’s partly cloudy and 84 degrees; Louise Covert, 79, is dead from complications ...