JACKSONVILLE, FL—Garbed in unwashed robes and wearing a long, gray, wispy beard, former president George W.

CANTON, OH—Overjoyed Cigna executives celebrated the health insurer’s 50 billionth fucking over of a customer Thursday, personally surprising 56-year-old spinal trauma victim Clyde ...

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the ...

NEWARK, NJ—The stress and tedium of air travel were reportedly relieved Wednesday when passengers in Newark Liberty Airport’s Terminal C were treated to ...

LOS ANGELES—According to sources in the war-torn country, 48 unarmed Syrians in the small town of Daraya were murdered by government forces while Homeland ...

WASHINGTON—Scientists in search of a cure for human mortality better pick up the pace, sources confirmed this week, because celebrated British actor Sir Ian ...

CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for ...

PITTSBURGH—After preventing likely Obama supporter Carmen Ruiz from registering to vote on Monday, Republican elections officer Donald Tobin admitted that he doubts the vote ...

BOSTON—Saying it was time to get back to basics and “start fresh,” top-level sources at Romney 2012 headquarters announced plans to reboot and reenergize ...

BOSTON—In a historic development for gender parity in the American workplace, recently laid-off consultant Paula Saunders, 32, is at last earning an income identical ...

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Moments after purchasing a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R, your friend Pete has already been killed, bystanders outside the motorcycle dealership have just confirmed.

NEW YORK -- Holding up signs and roaring with applause, employees at Accenture Management Consultants dropped their work Tuesday morning to cheer on coworker James Conrad ...

CINCINNATI—Carol Held Knight told reporters on Wednesday that, though she was still mourning her husband Neil Armstrong’s death, it was frankly a relief ...

WASHINGTON—Following a recent statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics touting the benefits of circumcision, the nation’s creepy middle school gym teachers have ...

NEW YORK— Responding to the ongoing controversy regarding Iran’s nuclear program, brightly glowing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced in his address to the U.N.

SEAFORD, DE—Disregarding the fact that the novel has nothing to do with Harry Potter or wizardry, local man Quincy Basset, 33, announced his plan ...

NEW YORK CITY—In a masterful demonstration of control and poise, a man in a suit on a train platform was seen Tuesday manipulating a ...

NEW YORK—Prior to his appearance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon last week, actor Tommy Lee Jones informed the host that he had no ...

NEW YORK—Following his speech to the United Nations General Assembly this week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Friday that he is “pretty satisfied ...

The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add ...

The Romney campaign scrambled to limit political fallout last week after the leaking of a video in which the GOP nominee made controversial comments about ...

COLUMBIA, SC—Gilbert Geller, 44, was selected as the new bell-ringer at St. Joseph's Church after everyone agreed his tolling truly evoked the essence ...

COLUMBIA, SC—Restaurant cook Nathan Damien was relieved after he got all his meals for the week prepared by Monday afternoon.

BETTENDORF, IA—Cameron Rothwell, 13, lamented the dearth of cool contemporary band logos to doodle during a social studies lecture.

LIMA, OH—With "Larry" just not sitting right, Jay and Paula Bitner called the hospital to see if they could change their newborn son's ...

WAUKESHA, WI—Aspiring adventurous eater Ralph Sheridan began working his way up to kimchi by starting with coleslaw.

$48.04 (+$1.33) (+2.85%) Investors thought about it and realized, “Hey, pushpins aren’t going away anytime soon.” Then everyone bought a few ...

BRISTOL, CT—Curious to know the results of the previous day’s action across the world of sports, 42-year-old electrician Gary Bimel reportedly made the ...

NEW YORK—After reaching an agreement with the NFL Referees Association to end the four-month lockout, league commissioner Roger Goodell announced Thursday that he is ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Rookie quarterback Andrew Luck helped the Colts outscore their opponents 23-20 on Sunday to earn his first whatever that thing is called when you ...

BOSTON—Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine announced at a press conference Thursday that the “Red Sox suck total shit this year” and confirmed his hatred ...

KANSAS CITY—Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel told reporters this weekend that he will apply the team’s French fries tag to Matt Cassel, preventing ...

SUGAR LAND, TX—Claiming the 50-year-old former star was past his prime, the nation’s baseball experts announced Tuesday that pitcher Roger Clemens was too ...

SEATTLE—ESPN medical personnel confirmed Tuesday that analyst Steve Young suffered a traumatic brain injury Monday night while attempting to explain the referees’ confusing ruling ...

NEW YORK—After three controversy-filled weeks, the NFL finally reached a deal with its locked-out officials Wednesday, sparking waves of excitement from fans longing to ...

The Panthers host the Giants in another one of these goddamn Thursday night games. Onion Sports looks at what each team needs to do to ...

The Paris-based satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo published cartoons today that depict the Prophet Muhammad naked, drawing criticism from the French government, which has shut down ...

A jury awarded $7.2 million in damages to a man diagnosed with “Popcorn Lung,” a respiratory disease he may have developed from inhaling a ...

State laws that restrict voting, including measures that require photo ID or proof of citizenship at the polls, could prevent as many as 10 million ...

While the lives of the nation’s most highly educated have lengthened, the life expectancy for white Americans without a high school diploma has, since ...

Taking a break from the campaign trail, President Barack Obama delivered an address to the United Nations General Assembly this morning in which he stated ...

Citing 98,000 trampoline-related injuries in the U.S. in 2009, the American Academy of Pediatrics published a statement in the journal Pediatrics that “strongly ...

During a concert in Washington, D.C. Monday, pop singer Madonna urged the crowd to support President Barack Obama, whom she referred to as a ...

An analysis of Korean imperial court records dating from the 1300s to the early 1900s, found that eunuchs lived 14 to 19 years longer than ...

After years of efforts, Japanese scientists claim to have finally synthesized element 113 on the periodic table, and if their findings are verified, it will ...

Following heavy lobbying pressure from Google, which has already developed its own fleet of self-driving vehicles, California became the third state in the nation to ...

More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of ...

Dear The Onion, Yesterday I had a good idea for an article you could do, but I forgot to write it down and now it ...

When the war in Afghanistan leaves a woman without a husband, caring reporter O'Brady Shaw steps in to replace him.

A newly unemployed woman enjoys equal pay for the first time in her career, George W. Bush returns to America after spending 4 years in ...

Fox 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT A drink order does not compute, so Robot Butler murders everyone.

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why ...

Adopt a fabulous ferret from the Paws Down Animal Shelter this Thursday! Seriously, they’ll all be put down by 5 p.m.

The North End Community Center will be holding its annual scavenger hunt this Saturday, so if you’re a guy wearing suspenders, prepare to have ...

Raiders Announce Team Is In Rebuilding Millennium

New York Philharmonic To Perform All Nineteen Movements Of 'NFL On CBS' Theme

Nation Blocks Out Thought Of Massive Defensive Tackle Having Sex With Tiny Wife

Responding to widespread criticism of voting procedures that have plagued the state since the 2000 election, the Florida Elections Commission announced Thursday its plan to ...

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge ...

MIAMI—Responding to widespread criticism of voting procedures that have plagued the state since the 2000 election, the Florida Elections Commission announced Thursday its plan ...

LOS ANGELES—The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up ...