adBlockCheck

Issue 4839

The Science Of Sex

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why, using clinical words for stuff like “cock” and “fucking.”

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...

Robot Butler

Fox 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT A drink order does not compute, so Robot Butler murders everyone.

Saturday, September 29

The North End Community Center will be holding its annual scavenger hunt this Saturday, so if you’re a guy wearing suspenders, prepare to have your picture taken.

Guy In Suit Handling Newspaper Like A Pro

NEW YORK CITY—In a masterful demonstration of control and poise, a man in a suit on a train platform was seen Tuesday manipulating a copy of The New York Times as skillfully as if it were his job.

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Thursday, September 27

Adopt a fabulous ferret from the Paws Down Animal Shelter this Thursday! Seriously, they’ll all be put down by 5 p.m.

Romney's Campaign Gaffes

The Romney campaign scrambled to limit political fallout last week after the leaking of a video in which the GOP nominee made controversial comments about low-income Americans and those receiving government assistance.

Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week

BOSTON—Saying it was time to get back to basics and “start fresh,” top-level sources at Romney 2012 headquarters announced plans to reboot and reenergize the campaign for the 72nd consecutive week Monday.

Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids

SUGAR LAND, TX—Claiming the 50-year-old former star was past his prime, the nation’s baseball experts announced Tuesday that pitcher Roger Clemens was too old to make a comeback to steroids.“It’s admirable he’s trying to get ...

Romeo Crennel Puts French Fries Tag On Matt Cassel

KANSAS CITY—Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel told reporters this weekend that he will apply the team’s French fries tag to Matt Cassel, preventing the eighth-year player from becoming an unsalted free agent at the end of this seasoning.

Patriots vs. Ravens

The Ravens take on the Patriots, but unfortunately only one team can lose. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.

Panthers vs. Giants

The Panthers host the Giants in another one of these goddamn Thursday night games. Onion Sports looks at what each team needs to do to win.

Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image

The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add healthier options such as egg-white McMuffins and seasonal produce.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close