GAINESVILLE, FL—Effortlessly cutting into a piping hot Baja Chicken sandwich, Kevin Coleman may not stand out among the half-dozen black-aproned sandwich makers at the ...

WASHINGTON—According to sources throughout the nation, the U.S. populace is clamoring today for more news articles about how a candidate’s body language ...

DENVER—Saying that he wasn’t going to take any shit tonight and that the debate podiums “looked just as fucking lame as all the ...

WASHINGTON—Startled sources at a GOP fundraiser confirmed Thursday that after being duped into saying his own name backwards, ancient elfin mischief-maker and Republican National ...

AUSTIN, TX—Saying that he “really doesn’t know anyone out there,” local man Matt Kremer, 24, announced Friday night that he plans on sitting ...

CANTON, OH—As part of an effort to cut into President Obama’s lead in the crucial swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney reportedly ran ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Entering the final month before the general election, sources within the Obama campaign announced today their new strategy of focusing on voters in ...

NEW YORK—In a new autobiography published Monday, action star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to many indiscretions that strained his 25-year marriage ...

LOS ANGELES—Spending his Tuesday office hours meeting individually with each student in his Screenwriting II class at the University of California, Los Angeles, part-time ...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—According to a study published Wednesday by researchers who aren’t trying to freak you out or anything but just thought you ought ...

DENVER—Helping to devise the Republican presidential nominee’s strategy for his upcoming debates against Barack Obama, campaign adviser Kevin A.

DENVER—Ahead of tonight’s debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources within the Obama campaign confirmed that the president is hoping moderator Jim Lehrer ...

DENVER—Noting that tonight’s debate against Mitt Romney would last a full hour and a half, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly urged President Obama ...

WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed that Americans all over the country have eagerly assembled tonight to watch a much-anticipated television broadcast in which presidential candidates Barack Obama ...

DENVER—Pressed during Wednesday night’s presidential debate to provide details of his plan to lower taxes across the board while balancing the federal budget ...

DENVER—As his opponent Barack Obama responded to a question during Wednesday night’s presidential debate on domestic policy, Republican nominee Mitt Romney reportedly took ...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of considerate, emotionally available researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the results of a study indicating that in ...

DENVER—Following last night’s nationally televised presidential debate, President Barack Obama’s 11-year-old daughter Sasha reportedly asked her father why he was “acting like ...

WASHINGTON—As they awoke this morning, millions of Americans reportedly let out a heavy groan of regret upon remembering they had made an emotional connection ...

DENVER—Following Wednesday's presidential debate, Mitt Romney’s performance was hailed as “dominant” and “potentially game-changing” by a near unanimous consensus of political commentators ...

BROOKLINE, MA—According to sources, former Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis woke up Friday without feeling an overwhelming sense of burning rage for the first ...

NEW YORK—After conducting the first of the 2012 presidential debates earlier this week, former anchor Jim Lehrer hosted PBS NewsHour’s political analysis roundtable ...

CHICAGO—Considering the bold words being bandied about haven’t amounted to anything yet, there sure is a lot of serious talk about making broth ...

ISTANBUL—The cast and crew of the Turkish film Arada confirmed this week that local actor Ahmet Demir, 28, is strutting around the set like ...

NEW YORK—Marketing strategist Garrett Brooks, who reportedly cried himself to sleep Sunday while thinking about how much of his life he’s wasted and ...

Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, to be held at the University of Denver, both campaigns are carefully grooming their candidates to make the ...

Fifty years ago Friday, the Beatles released their first single, “Love Me Do,” in the United Kingdom, touching off the global phenomenon known as Beatlemania.

Aries You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly ...

PLYMOUTH, MN—The reaction wedding DJ Kurt Carroll received from all the fiftysomething women when he put on Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" made him ...

LINCOLN, NE—Scott Lindeman laughed to himself about the phrase "no such thing as a free lunch" because the 15th sub on his punch-card didn ...

SAN DIEGO—Zoo officials agreed that Tammy the boa constrictor is "not the same" after appearing on Leno.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Popeye's cashier Henry Ma, 18, decided the beautiful woman in line deserved the chicken piece that was all breading.

$33.14 (+$1.26) (+3.95%) Investors eagerly approved of the company's long anticipated move to finally remove the adhesive from the back of ...

Point/Counterpoint

WASHINGTON—One week after watching the Washington Nationals clinch their first-ever playoff berth, local fans told reporters Thursday that they would never forget exactly where ...

NEW YORK—Following the return of the NFL’s regular officials, several smug replacement referees told reporters Tuesday about the abundance of missed calls last ...

BRISTOL, CT—It remains unclear whether ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz went on a lengthy, bigoted tangent against Muslims during an on-air segment, sources ...

NEW YORK—According to a new report released Saturday by Major League Baseball, a record number of outfield collisions have occurred during the 2012 season ...

NEW YORK—In an interview before today’s game against the San Francisco 49ers, Jets head coach Rex Ryan described how quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and ...

BALTIMORE—Orioles designated hitter Jim Thome was forced to leave in the fourth inning of Sunday’s game against the Boston Red Sox after complaining ...

MIAMI—Miami Marlins catcher John Buck was reportedly “totally humiliated” during the fifth inning of Tuesday’s game against the New York Mets after completely ...

SEATTLE—Angels slugger Albert Pujols reportedly showed up to the team’s dugout Tuesday with an expensive little bright-red bat, prompting players to speculate that ...

WASHINGTON—Playground sources told reporters Thursday that 10-year-old oddball Scott Corello always pretends to be utility infielder Mark DeRosa during baseball games with friends and ...

This battle between two perennial underperformers, Detroit and Minnesota, has all the makings of an epic disappointment.

The Cowboys host the Bears in a shootout between two of the NFL's dopiest quarterbacks

The Rams host the Cardinals for a game that someone at the NFL Network will get fired for scheduling.

A growing body of research suggests that an unhealthy diet reduces the natural level of insulin in the brain, which, in turn, may cause the ...

In Glendale, AZ for the first show of his new Believe Tour, 18-year-old pop superstar Justin Bieber vomited on stage, but then went on to ...

Calling Barack Obama a “good guy,” Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez said on state television Sunday that if he were American he would vote for ...

Breaking into the California State Mining and Mineral Museum on Friday, thieves armed with pickaxes made off with $2 million worth of gold and jewels ...

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, who wrote, directed, and starred in the movie Ted this past summer, has been chosen to host the 85th Academy ...

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, teen drinking and driving rates have decreased by more than half over the past 20 years ...

An analysis by the Congressional Research Service found that 2,362 individuals who received government unemployment benefits in 2009 lived in households with annual incomes ...

The 8-year-old social networking site Facebook now has 1 billion active monthly users, with roughly one of every seven people in the world holding an ...

Officers in a police helicopter discovered a marijuana plantation on Chicago’s South Side that is the size of two football fields, containing more than ...

A record 4.4 percent of all scripted TV characters on the five major networks are either gay, bisexual, or transgender this season, with a ...

On Wednesday night, Tigers star Miguel Cabrera became the first player since Carl Yastrzemski to achieve the Triple Crown, finishing the season with a .330 ...

Five years after the Dallas Cowboys bungled a domain name auction and lost Cowboys.com to a group of investors, the site has resurfaced as ...

Dear The Onion, This is a reminder to yourself to pay the gas bill. Sincerely, The Onion

On This Day In History, the astronauts of Apollo 12 landed on the moon to collect the pizza boxes and beer cans left behind by ...

The U.S. Treasury cowboy claims something done spooked the economy, a local man is going to sit alone in his room until his roommate ...

Whoa, hold on. Sorry about that—we gave you the wrong directions. Just head east on Reeve St.

Not going to sugarcoat it—this is not a quality home. The roof leaks, the appliances are out of date, and there’s a sizable ...

It’s got five rooms, okay? Whether or not you want to put beds in there is up to you, but there’s 1,100 ...

Darrius Heyward-Bey Wakes From Wonderful Dream In Which He Wasn’t On Raiders

Man In Office Softball League Knows How Many Career Home Runs He Has

Ray Lewis Emerges From Bottom Of Fumble Pile During Buffalo, New England Game

Mike Tirico Finally Manages To Get A Word In During Fourth Quarter Of 'Monday Night Football'

Best Part Of Being An Astros Fan Only One Day Away

Drew Brees Just Happy He Got That $100 Million Contract Sorted Out Before This Shit

4-0 Cardinals Still At Bottom Of NFL Power Rankings

Muted Episode Of 'Pardon The Interruption' Playing On Every TV In Gym

Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right choice, we present The Onion's guide ...

A man currently on a very intense cell phone call has been walking up and down the same city block for the past 45 minutes ...

NEW YORK—A man currently on a very intense cell phone call has been walking up and down the same city block for the past ...

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like ...