The Week In Pictures

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Issue 4840

Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin

ISTANBUL—The cast and crew of the Turkish film Arada confirmed this week that local actor Ahmet Demir, 28, is strutting around the set like he’s goddamned film superstar Cüneyt fucking Arkin or something.

No Way Old Man In Park Not Thinking About Dead Wife

The U.S. Treasury cowboy claims something done spooked the economy, a local man is going to sit alone in his room until his roommate's party is over, and Sasha Obama asks her father why he was acting like such a pussy during the debate.

Cardinals vs. Rams

The Rams host the Cardinals for a game that someone at the NFL Network will get fired for scheduling.

No Bedrooms

It’s got five rooms, okay? Whether or not you want to put beds in there is up to you, but there’s 1,100 square feet of floor space divided five ways.

Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator

DENVER—Pressed during Wednesday night’s presidential debate to provide details of his plan to lower taxes across the board while balancing the federal budget, a visibly flustered Mitt Romney reportedly sought to extricate himself from the situ...

Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate

'Don't Want Pussy On The Mind Out There,' Reports Vice President

DENVER—Noting that tonight’s debate against Mitt Romney would last a full hour and a half, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly urged President Obama to “rub one out” so that he could “get pussy off the mind” before taki...

Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy

DENVER—Ahead of tonight’s debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources within the Obama campaign confirmed that the president is hoping moderator Jim Lehrer doesn’t ask any questions about the economy of the United States.

Really Not A Great House

Not going to sugarcoat it—this is not a quality home. The roof leaks, the appliances are out of date, and there’s a sizable termite infestation, but hey, maybe this is where you’re at in life.

50 Years Of Beatlemania

Fifty years ago Friday, the Beatles released their first single, “Love Me Do,” in the United Kingdom, touching off the global phenomenon known as Beatlemania.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 2, 2012

Aries You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him. Taurus NASA officials will once again select ...

Embarrassed Catcher Not Sure What He Came To Mound For

MIAMI—Miami Marlins catcher John Buck was reportedly “totally humiliated” during the fifth inning of Tuesday’s game against the New York Mets after completely forgetting the reason why he walked to the pitcher’s mound.

The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney

Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right choice, we present The Onion's guide to GOP candidate Mitt Romney.

Candidates' Debate Preparations

Ahead of Wednesday’s first presidential debate, to be held at the University of Denver, both campaigns are carefully grooming their candidates to make the best possible impression on voters.

Bears vs. Cowboys

The Cowboys host the Bears in a shootout between two of the NFL's dopiest quarterbacks

Schwarzenegger Admits To Affair With Predator Costume

NEW YORK—In a new autobiography published Monday, action star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to many indiscretions that strained his 25-year marriage to Maria Shriver, including a steamy extramarital affair with the cost...

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Vikings vs. Lions

This battle between two perennial underperformers, Detroit and Minnesota, has all the makings of an epic disappointment.
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