Outfit Just Screams Police Officer

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Issue 4841

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.

Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner

'I'm A Flawed Man, But There Is Love In My Heart' Vice President Says

DANVILLE, KY—In what observers called a stunning and unexpected display of oratorical eloquence and candor, Vice President Joe Biden delivered a deeply articulate and heartfelt speech at the conclusion of Thursday night’s vice presidential deb...

Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage

DANVILLE, KY—During his debate with Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) Thursday night, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly paused midway through a remark on Medicare vouchers, abruptly turned away from the table, and then clenched his stomach, spewing a copious ...

Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium

DANVILLE, KY—In the middle of tonight’s debate between Joe Biden and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), Centre College security guards were forced to remove from the auditorium five of the vice president’s loud and unruly friends: Darius, Blaze, Tan...

Billy Wilhite

Billy Wilhite died of natural causes Saturday at 81, an age by which most men would have stopped going by "Billy."

Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate

Vice President Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan will square off in their first and only debate Thursday night at Centre College in Danville, KY.

Kevin Garnett No Longer On Roaring Terms With Ray Allen

BOSTON—In response to the shooting guard’s decision to sign with the Miami Heat earlier this offseason, Celtics forward Kevin Garnett confirmed Wednesday that he’s no longer on growling terms with longtime friend and former teammate Ray ...

Nation Did Not See Mark Wahlberg's Sex Change Coming

LOS ANGELES—Following the first public appearance of the actress formerly known as Mark Wahlberg at a Hollywood fundraiser last night, the American people acknowledged the Departed and Fighter star’s sex-reassignment surgery was ...

Chiefs Scold Fans For Cheering Brady Quinn

KANSAS CITY—Several Chiefs players spoke out Monday about the cheering that occurred in Arrowhead Stadium when quarterback Brady Quinn replaced the injured Matt Cassel, expressing their utter disbelief that Kansas City fans would openly applaud the ...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 9, 2012

Aries Don’t worry your pretty little head about next week’s events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it. Taurus The stars would love...


Discovery 7:00 p.m. EDT/6:00 p.m. CDT You’ll be surprised at how much you already knew about these slow, boring creatures.

John Madden Finally Just Eats RV

PLEASANTON, CA—Overwhelmed by pangs of hunger, retired color commentator John Madden, 76, reportedly succumbed to years of intense cravings Thursday and finally just ate his entire 45-foot-long luxury bus. Sources confirmed that Madden had begun com...

The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Ohio

Ohio figures to once again be a key battleground state. The Onion presents its profile of the swing state that sends Republicans and Democrats alike into a state of terror every four years.

Broncos vs. Patriots

The Broncos travel to New England to enjoy the stunning colors of the Patriots' uniforms. Onion Sports looks at what each team must do to win.
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