RICHMOND, VA—Describing it as “his life’s calling,” local man Gary Lerner, 31, revealed Thursday that he is on a personal quest to enlighten ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports, millions of viewers across the country are expected to tune in to tonight’s town-hall-style presidential debate at Hofstra University ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Following the opening statements by President Barack Obama and challenger Mitt Romney during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, the first question asked by an ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—A time-honored tradition ended in calamity tonight when, less than an hour after presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama gathered together in ...

Choosing who should be entrusted to lead our nation’s government is not a responsibility that should be taken lightly, and never has that maxim ...

ITHACA, NY—According to a new study by Cornell University, in any conceivable scenario in which a person would have to choose between saving your ...

BOCA RATON, FL—A survey of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients conducted Sunday by Public Policy Polling indicates that Lyndon Johnson now holds a ...

STOCKHOLM—American newspaper The Onion received a Nobel Prize this week in the category of Overall Excellence.

WASHINGTON—A slew of recently released polls from the nation’s top public opinion firms have revealed, well, essentially nothing about the 2012 presidential race ...

LOS ANGELES—With the release of the breathtakingly comprehensive and awe-inspiring encyclopedia The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge now exactly one week away, sources near ...

EUGENE, OR—Ingenious, quick-thinking local man Pete Sidell, 29, demonstrated his uncanny cultural savviness today by registering a "Sleepy Romney" Twitter account he can use ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports from Tuesday’s presidential debate at Hofstra University, every member of the town hall audience has a spouse who is ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—In response to a question on unemployment asked during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shared a touching and poignant ...

WASHINGTON—With their mouths agape and their glassy eyes fixed upon tonight’s televised presidential debate, the nation’s ever so suggestible dullards are currently ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—In an apparent attempt to demonstrate empathy for everyday working Americans, GOP candidate Mitt Romney likened the audience at the town hall debate ...

NEW YORK—Following tonight’s debate between President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney, millions of Americans took to the Internet to read the ...

LOS ANGELES—Growing nervous after watching a rough cut of his upcoming biopic Lincoln, director Steven Spielberg reportedly re-edited the entire film in a bout ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Highly emotional in the wake of last night’s town-hall-style debate, a tearful Mitt Romney called a press conference this morning to “come ...

HEMPSTEAD, NY—More than 15 hours after the conclusion of the second presidential debate, sources confirmed members of the town-hall audience who asked questions last ...

PORTLAND, OR—The mysterious “Candlelight Vigilante,” a rogue mourner known for appearing alone in parks and town squares, lighting a single candle, and commemorating loss ...

PARMA, OH—While performing at a campaign rally for President Barack Obama on Thursday, rock icon Bruce Springsteen reportedly failed to fire up the largely ...

NEW YORK—Citing the publication’s ongoing struggle to compete in an industry long-dominated by thriving daily newspaper The Onion, officials from Newsweek magazine announced ...

ATLANTA—During a brief, impromptu press conference at the agency’s headquarters this morning, Centers For Disease Control director Dr.

MACAO, CHINA—According to sources from the Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, The Onion’s new encyclopedia, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge, contains the ...

LAWRENCE, KS—After studying a rich fossil bed in the South Dakota plains, paleontologists from the University of Kansas have confirmed that most Cretaceous Period ...

INDIAN HILL, OH—As he continues to tout his plan to fix the economy and “make things right,” presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered a heartfelt ...

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided ...

Back in session this month, the U.S. Supreme Court faces a docket that may result in numerous landmark rulings.

Aries You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with ...

ASHEVILLE, NC—Completely forgetting what 54 degrees feels like, Natalie Phillips, 26, accidentally wore her heavy jacket instead of her light coat.

LAWRENCE, KS—Mike Solberg was exhausted by the extensive paperwork for his divorce, but glad to have acquired a skill that will make his next ...

LIVERMORE, CA—Metalcore garage band frontman Patrick Maroney, 16, once again found his attempts to pen impassioned, angst-ridden lyrics foiled by his healthy relationship with ...

ALLENTOWN, PA—John Frankes, 32, told his corgi to sit and it did, because it had been a long day.

49.52 (+1.17) (+2.42%) Shares surged after the defense contractor confirmed rumors of a retail rollout of the new Tomahawk Personal Self-Defense Missile.

NEW YORK—Following Raul Ibanez’s walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex ...

ARLINGTON, TX—Despite a wild-card loss to the Orioles that officially ended the Rangers season last week, outfielder Josh Hamilton told reporters Friday that he ...

NEW YORK—Proclaiming that football fans can now watch “every long snap, every Sunday,” the NFL officially unveiled its new Long Snap game-day television network ...

NEW YORK—As labor talks between team owners and the NHL Players’ Association enter their fifth straight week, league commissioner Gary Bettman announced Monday that ...

WASHINGTON—Just two months after the close of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, the nation’s love affair with gold-medal-winning gymnast McKayla Maroney came ...

BRISTOL, CT—Explaining that the premise was directly inspired by last night’s presidential debate, ESPN executive vice president John Walsh told reporters Wednesday about ...

NEW YORK—As labor negotiations continue between the league and players’ union, a severely concussed Sidney Crosby reportedly made a rambling, largely incoherent appeal to ...

COLUMBIA, SC—Speaking with reporters, Columbia resident Mike Wegley, 34, expressed astonishment Saturday upon learning that his favorite football team, the Gamecocks, is in fact ...

The Packers face the Texans in the soulless and revolting city of Houston, which sounds far more horrifying than losing a football game.

The Giants and 49ers battle in a game that could impact the number one seed that neither team wants. Onion Sports looks at what each ...

The 49ers host the Seahawks, frantically looking for more chairs and preparing their guests’ favorite meal.

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book ...

Using data from NASA’s Spitzer Space Telescope, astronomers have learned that 55 Cancri e, a planet eight times as massive as Earth and just ...

Still suffering from an economic crisis that has stirred social unrest and threatened to tear apart the eurozone, the 27-state European Union received this year ...

According to its NASA creators, a 57-pound robotic exoskeleton developed to keep astronauts fit on a possible future mission to Mars could also be used ...

Saying the nation “can’t afford” a second term under President Obama, 82-year-old Texas billionaire H.

Scottish nationalist leaders and British Prime Minister David Cameron have agreed to terms on an independence referendum that will allow the people of Scotland to ...

A rare 4.0 earthquake centered in Maine shook much of New England, including the Boston metro area, for several seconds yesterday evening, though no ...

A new study has found that despite an increase in obesity, Americans have seen their cholesterol levels fall significantly since the late 1980s, possibly as ...

A 21-year-old Bangladeshi man who allegedly claimed ties to al-Qaeda has been accused of attempting to blow up the Federal Reserve Bank in Lower Manhattan ...

Billionaire New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is using his own money to form a super PAC that will run ads for congressional, state, and ...

The Boy Scouts of America released 14,500 pages of so-called “perversion files,” which include details of child molestation at the hands of scoutmasters between ...

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the ...

Three years after his release from prison on dogfighting charges, Eagles quarterback Michael Vick confirmed that his family owns a dog and that the pet ...

On the heels of a Super Bowl win two years ago and a 15-1 season last year, the Green Bay Packers take a disappointing 2-3 ...

The AFC North–leading Baltimore Ravens were dealt a harsh blow Monday when defensive stars LB Ray Lewis (torn triceps) and CB Lardarius Webb (torn ...

Pennington, IL's only African-American family moves to the other side of town, causing residents to reminisce about the "Black part of town."

Lyndon Johnson pulls ahead in a poll of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients, an area man is on a personal mission to explain why ...

In last Friday’s gossip column on gay celebrities, Henry Kissinger should have instead been listed as bisexual.

Wednesday’s issue contained 14 factual errors. Deal with it.

History 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Although it can’t say for certain it was aliens, the History Channel doesn ...

Maria DeLouise and Martin Scholls’ plan to stand near a couple being married in a local park so they could wed for free totally worked.

Elena Lee and Frank Korda announced their engagement after discovering that they both deeply desired fried hors d’oeuvres, legitimate sex, and a gift-wrapped cake ...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body ...

Terry Francona Asks Shin-Soo Choo If He Minds Being Called Dustin Pedroia

Half Of All NFL Players Currently Holding Onto Arian Foster's Facemask

Confused NFL Fans Demand To Know Which Teams Good, Which Teams Bad

Nation Just Going To Assume All Basketball Recruits Are Committing To Kentucky Unless They Say Otherwise

17 Gallons Of Fluid Drained From Dirk Nowitzki's Knee

The Onion profiles key battleground state Florida, known for being a state that can go either way. For instance, in 2000, the state famously voted ...

BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like "Blood child, blood on the child" and "must the president look at people" could tell ...

According to a study published Monday in <i>The New England Journal Of Medicine</i>, the human brain is capable of wondrous, awe-inspiring things while ...

Clark County paramedics responded Thursday to a frantic 911 call from an Econo Lodge motel where the Lord Our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of ...

PRINCETON, NJ—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, the human brain is capable of wondrous, awe-inspiring things while ...

LAS VEGAS—Clark County paramedics responded Thursday to a frantic 911 call from an Econo Lodge motel where the Lord Our God, Divine Creator and ...

Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time onion.com/SZ1ho0 — The Onion (@TheOnion) October 17, 2012

Okay, See, This Exactly What Irritated Man Talking About | More Local News: onion.com/PQaScv — The Onion (@TheOnion) October 18, 2012 The Onion Book of ...

A small unknown company called Microsoft approached Onion Labs to help promote their "computing software" Internet Explorer 9. As the direct result of our one ...