Kangaroo Decides He'll Get There Faster By Just Running

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Issue 4842

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...

Kangaroo Decides He'll Get There Faster By Just Running

Lyndon Johnson pulls ahead in a poll of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients, an area man is on a personal mission to explain why universally enjoyed things are bad, and a poll finds that 100 percent of the nation’s homosexuals prefer th...

The Onion Endorses John Edwards For President

Choosing who should be entrusted to lead our nation’s government is not a responsibility that should be taken lightly, and never has that maxim been truer than in this current election cycle.

Paramedics Rush To Revive God Following Latest Suicide Attempt

LAS VEGAS—Clark County paramedics responded Thursday to a frantic 911 call from an Econo Lodge motel where the Lord Our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, was found naked and unconscious following an unsuccessful suicide attempt... [CLICK FOR FULL STORY AND VIDEO]

'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV

MACAO, CHINA—According to sources from the Zweibel Center for Knowledge Studies, The Onion’s new encyclopedia, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge, contains the cure for the human immunodeficiency virus and, ultimately, AIDS.

Seahawks vs. 49ers

The 49ers host the Seahawks, frantically looking for more chairs and preparing their guests’ favorite meal.

Update: More Romney Google Searches Revealed

Okay, See, This Exactly What Irritated Man Talking About | More Local News: onion.com/PQaScv — The Onion (@TheOnion) October 18, 2012 The Onion Book of Known Knowledge (in stores Oct. 23) presents its definitive entry: Christianity onion.com/R2PW...

Elena Lee and Frank Korda

Elena Lee and Frank Korda announced their engagement after discovering that they both deeply desired fried hors d’oeuvres, legitimate sex, and a gift-wrapped cake stand.

Candlelight Vigilante Takes Commemorating Into Own Hands

PORTLAND, OR—The mysterious “Candlelight Vigilante,” a rogue mourner known for appearing alone in parks and town squares, lighting a single candle, and commemorating loss on his own terms, made his first public statement Tuesday night, s...

Spielberg Panics, Adds Comical Groin Injuries To 'Lincoln'

LOS ANGELES—Growing nervous after watching a rough cut of his upcoming biopic Lincoln, director Steven Spielberg reportedly re-edited the entire film in a bout of panic, inserting a recurring gag that involves the 16th president repeatedly su...

Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall

HEMPSTEAD, NY—A time-honored tradition ended in calamity tonight when, less than an hour after presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama gathered together in the town of Hempstead, NY to debate their political views before villagers, a la...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 16, 2012

Aries You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew. Taurus Since the dawn of time, man ...

Obama Excited To Participate In First Debate

WASHINGTON—Saying he was excited to “finally get out there” and defend his policies in front of the entire nation, President Barack Obama told reporters he was energized and eager to participate in his first debate of the 2012 election c...

Polls Reveal, Essentially, Nothing

WASHINGTON—A slew of recently released polls from the nation’s top public opinion firms have revealed, well, essentially nothing about the 2012 presidential race, sources confirmed Monday.

Gary Bettman Surprised By Popularity Of NHL Lockout

NEW YORK—As labor talks between team owners and the NHL Players’ Association enter their fifth straight week, league commissioner Gary Bettman announced Monday that he has been “blown away” by the ongoing lockout’s immense po...

Giants vs. Niners

The Giants and 49ers battle in a game that could impact the number one seed that neither team wants. Onion Sports looks at what each of these teams must do to win.

Packers vs. Texans

The Packers face the Texans in the soulless and revolting city of Houston, which sounds far more horrifying than losing a football game.

Testing Twitter Embed

 Just some testing.

Just spraying his hot wonk everywhere #debates — Diamond Joe (@OnionPolitics) October 12, 2012
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