BOCA RATON, FL—Sources within the Romney campaign said the candidate’s preparation for tonight’s foreign policy debate with President Barack Obama went into ...
BOCA RATON, FL—Citing the continuous regurgitation of the same campaign talking points and the media’s exhaustion of almost every conceivable sound bite, political ...
BOCA RATON, FL—In a stunning admission during tonight’s foreign policy debate, President Barack Obama broke down in tears and announced that Osama bin ...
BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama administration officials confirmed tonight that former governor ...
WASHINGTON—Following the completion of three presidential debates and one vice presidential debate, a nationwide Gallup tracking poll conducted this morning has found that all ...
ROCHESTER, MN—Stating that cancer cells are now “laughing in our fucking faces,” a new Mayo Clinic study with widespread implications for the treatment and ...
THE HEAVENS—Responding to inflammatory remarks made by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock during a debate Tuesday night, Our Lord God the Almighty Father today ...
HARTFORD, CT—Moving swiftly and discreetly like CIA field agents on some kind of black-ops mission to infiltrate a terrorist cell in a hostile country ...
WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the ...
BOCA RATON, FL—During tonight’s presidential debate on international issues, Republican candidate Mitt Romney vowed to halt all of the Obama administration’s foreign ...
BOCA RATON, FL—After asserting during Monday’s foreign policy debate that Americans needed a president who would “finally stand up to China,” Republican nominee ...
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Determined to remain insulated from all major and minor plot points until this weekend, file clerk Grant Hollis rushed from Midwest Publishing’s ...
NEW YORK—In a blockbuster announcement today, Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than ...
NEW ALBANY, IN—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into ...
CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product’s new state-of-the art features and highly intuitive user interface, Apple’s gag division unveiled at a media event today ...
WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning to the American public, the U.S. Department of Homeland advised citizens to take any and all measures necessary to ...
PHILADELPHIA—Not wanting to be rude or hurt the man’s feelings, the thousands assembled at Lincoln Financial Field on Saturday good-naturedly humored a 70-year-old ...
SEATTLE—In an effort to protect at-risk animals from those who might wish to do them harm, the U.S.
The four presidential and vice presidential debates of the 2012 election season featured countless questionable or conflicting claims, giving the nation’s fact-checkers more than ...
Aries An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations ...
QUEENS, NY—Forty-two-year-old Andy Frosolone's T-shirt reminded everyone standing behind him in line at the post office of Godsmack's 2003 tour stops.
SAN JOSE, CA—Cindy Crawford's half-brother, Brent Dobson, 41, is now just telling new acquaintances he's Cindy Crawford’s regular brother, for simplicity ...
PARIS, TX—After having his cat neutered, Alec McKeon started treating it like his own personal, fur-covered court eunuch.
WILMINGTON, DE—A yawn has been going around town for two straight weeks.
$22.56 (+1.14) (+5.32%) Shares in the tech giant were up on strong sales numbers for the Core Pink, a new microprocessor intended ...
INDIANAPOLIS—One week after the Colts upset the Green Bay Packers in his honor, leukemia-stricken head coach Chuck Pagano was reportedly annoyed after they lost ...
AIGLE, SWITZERLAND —In the wake of overwhelming allegations that he engaged in illegal doping throughout the course of his professional career, cyclist Lance Armstrong was ...
GREEN BAY, WI—The NFL’s highly visible efforts to support Breast Cancer Awareness Month succeeded this week in motivating Green Bay nose tackle B ...
NEW YORK—Nearly a month after the end of the referee lockout, the NFL is still struggling to remove frightened and confused replacement officials from ...
HOUSTON—With Ray Lewis on injured reserve after suffering a torn triceps, Baltimore Ravens players and coaches confirmed Sunday that they were dreading the loud ...
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The Ravens battle the Texans in a game that most of the players will have no recollection of the next day.
Citing thousands of monthly complaints about robocalls, the Federal Trade Commission has offered a $50,000 award to anyone who devises a technology to block ...
On the heels of research showing that some American girls are beginning puberty as young as 7 or 8 years of age, a new study ...
At a press event today, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPad Mini, a 7.9-inch version of its popular iPad tablet that features an ...
Reports of five deaths said to be related to Monster Energy Drink—including a Maryland teen who died of caffeine-induced cardiac arrhythmia after consuming two ...
During a debate last night, Richard Mourdock, a Tea Party–backed Republican Senate candidate from Indiana, said that instances of impregnation due to rape are ...
In what is thought to be the largest-ever donation to a public park, hedge fund manager John Paulson gave $100 million to the not-for-profit Central ...
The Justice Department has sued Bank of America for allegedly employing a scheme from 2007 to 2009 called “the Hustle,” through which it approved risky ...
Driven largely by high prices and new drilling technologies, domestic production of oil is now expanding at its fastest rate since 1951, leading many to ...
Performing after the band Big & Rich at a Romney rally last night, Meat Loaf offered the candidate an unusual, rambling endorsement in which the 65-year-old ...
NBA commissioner David Stern announced Thursday he will step down from his post on Feb. 1, 2014, 30 years to the day after he began ...
Dear The Onion,
I have a really good feeling about the numbers 4, 35, 14, 25, 9, and 40 in the lottery this week, and ...
Dear The Onion,
Just making sure you got my last e-mail about clearance-priced Rolex watches. I realize the wording and formatting made it difficult to ...
The Onion News Network investigates the dangerous tradition of Fall Break parties where college students chug maple syrup and strip down to their long underwear.
A birthday card is discreetly passed around the office like some sort of covert CIA operation, Apple's gag division unveils the sleekest fake dog ...
Food 6:00 p.m. EDT/5:00 p.m. CDT Host Terry Bradshaw inspects some of the world’s oldest forks and fights the ...
CBS
11:00 a.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. CDT
Tune in for the much-anticipated premiere of an 86-cent can of tuna.
Fox
8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT
This year’s Fall Classic promises to be packed with more inner-thigh shots than ...
Fullback Disappointed To Learn He Didn't Get Lead Blocker In Upcoming Play
Jermichael Finley Still Working On Chemistry With Hands
Indiana Fever Become Answer To Trivia Question Nobody Will Ever Get Right
Thirty Seconds 30 Seconds Of NLCS Game 7 Watched During Commercial Break Of 'Monday Night Football'
Chris Johnson Suddenly Remembers How To Run Into Large Open Spaces With Zero Defenders
Voters can't wait to show Obama and Romney the pointless talents that make America great.
No more waiting in long lines just to have your vote thrown away! A new app makes it easier than ever for minorities to be ...
Americans talk directly to the candidates in the first test of ONN's amazing, 100% safe DemocraKiosk booths.
Claiming that running for president of the United States is all he knows, Republican nominee Mitt Romney has confided to aides that he is terrified ...
DAYTON, OH—Claiming that running for president of the United States is all he knows, Republican nominee Mitt Romney has confided to aides that he ...
Although tragic, the double homicide of two minors at the gas station on Center Street provided one of the best chalk outlines of the year ...
Oct. 25—Police were dispatched to the home of former Yankees pitcher Ron Guidry Thursday night after a home security system alerted them of an ...
Oct. 26—Police spent 40 minutes speeding in circles around Centerville Junior High with their sirens blaring after receiving a call from a seventh-grade science ...
Top 10 Bestsellers: Chris Evans Would Be Good Nicholas Sparks (Grand Central, $12.99) A young man dreams of the simple country girl he left ...
Foreign policy primer: Besides the US, there are 6 countries in the world. They are Israel, Iran, China, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan. — Onion Politics (@OnionPolitics ...
A small unknown company called Microsoft approached Onion Labs to help promote their "computing software" Internet Explorer 9. As the direct result of our one ...
A small unknown company called Microsoft approached Onion Labs to help promote their "computing software" Internet Explorer 9. As the direct result of our one ...
Onion Labs and 7-Eleven realized that the cherished institution of democracy presented an excellent opportunity to enrich ourselves, and partnered up to cynically exploit the ...
Jack Links Beef Jerky shares a close kinship with The Onion. The same way their delicious meat products nourish bodies, our news and entertainment stories ...
Jack Links Beef Jerky shares a close kinship with The Onion. The same way their delicious meat products nourish bodies, our news and entertainment stories ...
Jack Links Beef Jerky shares a close kinship with The Onion. The same way their delicious meat products nourish bodies, our news and entertainment stories ...
Jack Links Beef Jerky shares a close kinship with The Onion. The same way their delicious meat products nourish bodies, our news and entertainment stories ...
Jack Links Beef Jerky shares a close kinship with The Onion. The same way their delicious meat products nourish bodies, our news and entertainment stories ...
Jack Links Beef Jerky shares a close kinship with The Onion. The same way their delicious meat products nourish bodies, our news and entertainment stories ...
