The Week In Pictures

Top Headlines

Issue 4843

Man Throws Money At Problem

A birthday card is discreetly passed around the office like some sort of covert CIA operation, Apple's gag division unveils the sleekest fake dog shit to date, and cactus scientists recommend drinking 8 cups of water per year.

U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence ...

The Price Is Right

CBS 11:00 a.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. CDT Tune in for the much-anticipated premiere of an 86-cent can of tuna.

God Distances Self From Christian Right

THE HEAVENS—Responding to inflammatory remarks made by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock during a debate Tuesday night, Our Lord God the Almighty Father today sought to distance Himself from both Mourdock and the entire right-wing fu...

Founding Forks

Food 6:00 p.m. EDT/5:00 p.m. CDT Host Terry Bradshaw inspects some of the world’s oldest forks and fights the urge to stab one of those suckers into some green beans to really see what it’s packing.

Fact-Checking The Debates

The four presidential and vice presidential debates of the 2012 election season featured countless questionable or conflicting claims, giving the nation’s fact-checkers more than their fair share of work.

Trump Announces He's A Very Sad Man

NEW YORK—In a blockbuster announcement today, Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than drawing attention to himself.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 23, 2012

Aries An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you’re a woman now. Taurus The stars indicate that it will be bigg...

Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates

WASHINGTON—Following the completion of three presidential debates and one vice presidential debate, a nationwide Gallup tracking poll conducted this morning has found that all registered voters in the United States now consider themselves undecided ...

This Last Story Ever Written About Cycling

AIGLE, SWITZERLAND —In the wake of overwhelming allegations that he engaged in illegal doping throughout the course of his professional career, cyclist Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles Monday, effectively making this a...

Top 10 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 23, 2012

Top 10 Bestsellers: Chris Evans Would Be Good Nicholas Sparks (Grand Central, $12.99) A young man dreams of the simple country girl he left behind and of the actor who might portray him in the film adaptation. Depressing-Occasion Cakes Martha Stewart (C...

Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack

BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama administration officials confirmed tonight that former governor Mitt Romney was killed by a predator drone while attending a presidenti...

Ravens vs. Texans

The Ravens battle the Texans in a game that most of the players will have no recollection of the next day.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage