Issue 4844

Natalie Blasi

After realizing no one else was going to step up, Natalie Blasi assumed the role of the person who lets everyone in the post office line know how long they’ve all been waiting.

Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill

TAMPA, FL—Campaign sources expressed concern today over Mitt Romney’s green complexion, papery skin, and slowly flattening body frame, prompting increased speculation that the Republican presidential candidate has been gradually transforming i...


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Chloe Thorn

Chloe Thorn, 25, had a groundbreaking idea for a Tumblr site—one that would surely garner a book deal, a sitcom pilot, and hundreds of imitators—but chose to keep it to herself.

Sean Pickens

Sean Pickens, a 41-year-old peeping Tom, left local woman Cecilia Jones a note informing her of a strange-looking mole on her back.

Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit

LYNNVILLE, IN—The atmosphere inside the Lowery family car became gravely serious Saturday morning immediately after father and driver Chris Lowery, 44, missed the highway exit he was supposed to take, backseat sources confirmed. “Well, we miss...

Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite the fact that all New York City subway service has been shut down since Sunday night due to Hurricane Sandy, area doofus Matt Crumskey has reportedly spent the past 36 hours waiting for the next C train to arrive at the Broadway...

Election FAQ

In the days leading up to the Nov. 6 General Election, the Onion political team will answer your common questions about voting. Check back daily for two more responses to voters' most pressing questions.

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 30, 2012

This week's 10 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: The Bible (Random House, $21.99) A new edition of the sacred text that includes more Esau than ever. The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge The Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99) Contai...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 30th, 2012

Aries Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind. Taurus You’ll be damned if you know what those guys on ...

Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait out the storm indoors.

20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store

NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&M’s World store in Times Square.

Falcons vs. Eagles

The Falcons journey to Philadelphia to face the Eagles in a beak-to-beak bird battle for the ages.

WNBA Title Only Makes Indianapolis That Much More Bleak

INDIANAPOLIS—The Indiana Fever captured their first ever WNBA championship Sunday night with an 87-78 win over the Minnesota Lynx, an accomplishment that has reportedly only served to make the city of Indianapolis that much more miserable.
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