WASHINGTON—With just days left before the election, the nation’s 150 million registered voters have started to remember the simple, reassuring comforts of entrusting ...
NEW YORK—Holed up in their apartment while Hurricane Sandy continues its path up the East Coast, local couple Tim Zucchino, 29, and Helen Powell ...
NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate ...
BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that “you can’t be too prepared,” Brooklyn resident and seriously misinformed man Jason Randolph told reporters today he plans to get ...
In the days leading up to the Nov. 6 General Election, the Onion political team will answer your common questions about voting. Check back daily ...
EWING, NJ—Heeding the instructions of state officials and emergency personnel, thousands of New Jersey residents were able to escape Hurricane Sandy’s devastating floodwaters ...
BOISE, ID—Calling to check on him for the fourth consecutive morning amid reports of the dangers posed by Hurricane Sandy, local mom Mary Canfield ...
BROOKLYN, NY—Despite the fact that all New York City subway service has been shut down since Sunday night due to Hurricane Sandy, area doofus ...
LYNNVILLE, IN—The atmosphere inside the Lowery family car became gravely serious Saturday morning immediately after father and driver Chris Lowery, 44, missed the highway ...
NEW YORK—Following Hurricane Sandy’s destructive tear through the Northeast this week, the nation’s 300 million citizens looked upon the trail of devastation ...
WASHINGTON—Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan took a short break from his busy campaign schedule Wednesday to announc the official release of his new ...
MANTOLOKING, NJ—Saying he had been deeply shaken by the extent of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney visited the storm-battered mid-Atlantic ...
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Atlantic City officials warned Friday that it could take weeks or even months for the storm-ravaged ...
TAMPA, FL—Campaign sources expressed concern today over Mitt Romney’s green complexion, papery skin, and slowly flattening body frame, prompting increased speculation that the ...
WASHINGTON—A consortium of the nation’s leading cactus doctors issued a new set of guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans drink at least 8 cups ...
WASHINGTON—Grumbling that “it doesn’t take any longer to get this stuff right than it does to get it wrong,” Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood ...
WASHINGTON—Shocked and disillusioned sources across the nation reported feeling a “loss of innocence” last week when, for the first time in the country’s ...
OGALLALA, NE—The only house on the street that remains unadorned with Halloween decorations is far and away the spookiest home in the entire neighborhood ...
HAVERHILL, MA—According to reports Wednesday from local haunted house Spook Manor, the man eating pistachios and viewing a TV broadcast of the 1993 action ...
WASHINGTON—With only a week remaining in the 2012 presidential campaign, the one-third of Americans adults who identify as members of the lower class announced ...
NASHUA, NH—Following yesterday’s announcement that the Walt Disney Co. had acquired movie studio Lucasfilm Ltd. for $4.05 billion, local couple John Campbell ...
TALLAHASSEE, FL—As the nation recovers from Hurricane Sandy, Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans ...
MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—According to CIA officials and sources on the ground in the region, an unlikely friendship has developed between a 9-year-old Pakistani boy and ...
NEW YORK—In its November 2012 issue, out on newsstands this week, Good Car magazine bestowed its trademark “This Is A Good Car” ranking upon ...
NEW YORK—As part of his continued effort to torment the 34-year-old statistician and blogger, feared New York Times bully Derek Kriesel reportedly slapped a ...
LANGHORNE, PA—In an attempt to sway any voters who remain undecided in the Democratic-leaning state, Republican candidate Mitt Romney announced Friday that any resident ...
AKRON, OH—In a rare display of bipartisanship just one day before the presidential election, President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney came together ...
With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait ...
With Election Day less than a week away, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are urgently barnstorming through key battleground states.
Aries Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people ...
MIAMI, FL—While looking up at a mid-rise building, retired vigilante Al Granger, 68, quietly smiled to himself as he remembered the thrill of using ...
SOMERVILLE, MA—Drew Engel, 27, can point to his roommate’s fingernail or toenail clippings in every single room of his apartment with relative ease.
HILLSBORO, OR—Pausing a moment during his shift, department store manager Garrett Trudder thought that if there were an award for cleanest store mannequins in ...
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Joan Wilford’s health insurance won’t cover a second crutch.
$29.04 (-$0.71) (-2.39%) Shares of the adjustable mattress manufacturer took a hit after a new study confirmed America’s sleep number is ...
DETROIT—Calling it a far more important use of her time right now, Patti Leyland-Ford, daughter of 67-year-old Tigers manager Jim Leyland, made the decision ...
INDIANAPOLIS—The Indiana Fever captured their first ever WNBA championship Sunday night with an 87-78 win over the Minnesota Lynx, an accomplishment that has reportedly ...
COOPERSTOWN, NY—Despite being an emblematic figure of the darkest era in the sport’s history and an insufferable human being, Jose Canseco was under ...
LOS ANGELES—Following a team practice Friday, sources confirmed that new Lakers center Dwight Howard gave an inspiring press conference performance in which he made ...
As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates.
From The Onion Book of Known Knowledge. Order Now: IndieBound | Amazon | Barnes & Noble
The Detroit Tigers and the San Francisco Giants face off in the World Series, vying for the 16th most important title in professional sports.
The Falcons journey to Philadelphia to face the Eagles in a beak-to-beak bird battle for the ages.
Featuring six plots woven together across five centuries, the Tom Hanks and Halle Berry movie Cloud Atlas, which is based on a David Mitchell novel ...
Bringing winds up to 85 miles per hour, a potentially devastating storm surge, and the threat of blizzard conditions at higher elevations, the historic and ...
According to a study of 1.3 million women, those who gave up cigarettes by age 40 lived an average of 10 years longer than ...
Though downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone, Sandy has left 38 U.S. residents dead, cut electricity to 8.2 million, flooded large swaths of the ...
In an interview with David Frost, Paul McCartney rejected the long-lived allegations that John Lennon’s wife, Yoko Ono, caused the Beatles’ breakup in 1970 ...
Many analysts are estimating the cost of the devastation and economic disruption caused by Hurricane Sandy at around $20 billion, with some suggesting the economic ...
The Walt Disney Co. purchased Lucasfilm Ltd., the production company of George Lucas, for $4.05 billion in cash and stock Tuesday, announcing it would ...
Driven by a massive spending push from super PACs and other advocacy groups in the final days of the election season, the total cost of ...
Ravaged by a continuing debt crisis and a sluggish economy, the 17-nation Eurozone has seen unemployment reach 11.6 percent, its highest level in 17 ...
With the election four days away and much of New Jersey still reeling from Hurricane Sandy, state officials announced that military trucks would serve as ...
The Miami Marlins fired manager Ozzie Guillen on Tuesday following a disappointing 69-93 season in which his team failed to live up to the hype ...
A study finds the majority of Americans are now eating one consecutive meal, the nation's lower class is still waiting for a mention from ...
Sean Pickens, a 41-year-old peeping Tom, left local woman Cecilia Jones a note informing her of a strange-looking mole on her back.
Chloe Thorn, 25, had a groundbreaking idea for a Tumblr site—one that would surely garner a book deal, a sitcom pilot, and hundreds of ...
After realizing no one else was going to step up, Natalie Blasi assumed the role of the person who lets everyone in the post office ...
The misspelling of the word “hibiscus” in last Sunday’s Home & Garden section was not a mistake, but rather part of a sprawling logic puzzle ...
In Tuesday’s issue, <i>The Onion</i> referred to a six-pack of soda as “half-a-duz metal fizz barrels roped together with plastic string.” <i ...
Mike McCarthy Pleased By Way Packers Starting To String Together Injuries
Exhausted Referee Just Going To Stand In Offsides Penalty Stance For A While
David Stern Gets Down On One Knee, Places Title Ring Upon LeBron James' Finge
Andy Reid Apologizes To Philly Fans For Eagles' Lackluster Offense, Coaching, Defense, Coaching, Special Teams, Coaching
New interactive, violent voting machines expected to boost turnout on Election Day. Full report at 2:00 p.m. EDT/1:00 p.m. CDT.
Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.
Full Report at 2 p.m. EDT/1 p.m. CDT
Year In Review
America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a difference if you really, really think ...
This week's 10 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: The Bible (Random House, $21.99) A new edition of the sacred ...
