YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to records obtained from the Mahoning County registrar’s office, local man David Kearney, who eats breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts every day ...
WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards ...
CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated ...
WASHINGTON—According to widespread reports, roughly 314 million Americans across the country have been left without any power following Tuesday’s devastating presidential election. As ...
BOSTON—Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s ...
'You Are Our Supreme Leader,' Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison
NEW TEXAS, GALAXY OF LIBERTARIUS—In the largest political victory of his career, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was elected Supreme Ruler of the planet of ...
SALISBURY, MARYLAND—After rereading actor Matt Damon’s Wikipedia page for the 13th time since 9 a.m. today, local man Dan Easter decided to ...
CANTON, MI—According to sources at Thomas E. Dewey Middle School, all 26 students in Mrs. Flannery’s fifth-period health class squirmed uncomfortably and grimaced ...
BOSTON—With its abounding reams of critical information, BostonDuckTours.com’s Frequently Asked Questions page goes to great lengths to eliminate even the slightest hint ...
CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic ...
SANFORD, FL—During Mitt Romney’s final campaign swing through Florida today, the Republican presidential nominee issued a stern rebuke to members of the press ...
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday, the U.S. populace remained unsure which of the presidential candidates’ plans to destroy natural resources and render ...
SANFORD, FL—With election day looming, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried one last time Monday to cut into Barack Obama’s large lead among ...
COLUMBUS, OH—In a last-ditch effort to win a few more votes in the key swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney campaign volunteers made door-to-door ...
SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become ...
OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off ...
GREENVILLE, DE—Local election workers confirmed Tuesday that they overheard Vice President Joe Biden repeating the phrase “banged her” and describing salacious details of sexual ...
ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station ...
WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the ...
WILMINGTON, DE—Noting the sticky floors, pervasive smell of fecal matter, and greasy residue on the electronic equipment, voters arriving late in the day to ...
WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from the Oval Office this evening, President Barack Obama announced that a full-scale U.S.
BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney uttered the 240,000th and ...
WICHITA, KS—Wichita 4th District alderperson Alan Klemke, who rode into office four years ago in one of the most stunning political upsets in U ...
WASHINGTON—Having won another four years in the White House, President Barack Obama will retain about the same amount of power as American multimillionaire Mitt ...
WASHINGTON—Following the president’s reelection Tuesday, top Republicans Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and Eric Cantor expressed relief, saying the primary purpose of their lives ...
BOSTON—Sources are confirming that the moments leading up to Mitt Romney’s concession speech last night—from the expression on his face the second ...
CHICAGO—According to reports from across the nation, the country’s entire female population was greatly relieved upon waking this morning to learn that the ...
ST. LOUIS—Following a disappointing loss in his state’s U.S. Senate race to incumbent Claire McCaskill, Rep.
WASHINGTON—A day after his “Magic Wall” coverage of the U.S. presidential election, sources confirmed that CNN chief national correspondent John King is now ...
BRIGHTON, MI—Visitors to Brighton’s Fairview Cemetery confirmed that since early this morning, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kneeling at his ...
TEMPE, AZ—Doughty and lionhearted Amazon.com reviewer Jason Lydon, 24, leapt to the defense of the Fringe season two box set Friday, protecting the ...
TOPEKA, KS—The moment Laurie and Ronald Bergman indicated their willingness to adopt an abused 2-year-old tabby in need of a caring home, a volunteer ...
BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they could easily take advantage of the false assertion until someone calls them out on it, administrators at Bowling Green State ...
COLUMBUS, OH—Local 5-year-old Kimberly Hanson confirmed Sunday she regrets having spent the entirety of a recent carousel ride waving to her nearby father instead ...
Upon acquiring Lucasfilm Ltd. last week, the Walt Disney Co. announced it was making a seventh episode of the Star Wars franchise for release in ...
Aries Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse.
Taurus Pain ...
RICHMOND, VA—Katy Mullins, 43, transferred the contents of a cereal box into a similarly sized plastic canister.
SPOKANE, WA—It’s getting harder and harder for police sketch artist Elizabeth Cagle to hide the fact that she basically draws the same three ...
LONDONDERRY, NH—While hand-making pasta with his fiancée, Mark Boden tried to imagine them hand-making pasta as a married couple, and he couldn’t.
CHICAGO—It turns out that Bryan Hayes, 25, has no other place to read Proust but in a really crowded coffee shop.
$3.91 (+$0.08) (+2.09%) Shares rose today after executives cleared up confusion over the company’s name by explaining that it was an ...
BRISTOL, CT—In an installment of the popular segment broadcast Thursday night, ESPN’s “Sport Science” attempted to investigate the natural phenomena surrounding Cowboys quarterback ...
Uh, Giants Won
DETROIT—Sources close to Major League Baseball confirmed Tuesday that, oh, um, the World Series just happened.
ATLANTA—Shaquille O’Neal dedicated an entire five-minute segment of Inside The NBA Wednesday to an in-depth analysis of the size of his own hands ...
RUMFORD, ME—Tasked with writing the Rumford Falls Times’s annual preview of the Mountain Valley High girls’ volleyball season, local sports reporter Patrick Carver ...
RIVERSIDE, CA—According to sources close to the former college basketball star, friends of Cheryl Miller once again attempted to set her up on a ...
NEW YORK—Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Monday that given the popularity of NFL games played in London, the league is considering amending its 2014 ...
The Celtics battle the Heat in a rematch of the 2012 Eastern Conference Finals featuring intrigue, betrayal, and a bunch of pricks.
On Today Now!, Tracy employs the help of an expert to get her own son to remove his filthy Spider-Man costume.
Scientist Rogério Bertani recently discovered nine previously unknown and endangered species of small tree-dwelling tarantulas in Brazil, many of which feature bright pink, purple ...
Florida residents hoping to cast early ballots faced long lines yesterday, including a six-hour wait at one polling place in Miami-Dade County, while a bomb ...
After a long, hard-fought campaign between Democrat Barack Obama and Republican Mitt Romney, voters are finally headed to the polls today to cast their ballots ...
Polls in Ohio have shown a tight race for its crucial 18 electoral votes, leading many pundits to predict a statewide recount that could delay ...
President Barack Obama was reelected Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Mitt Romney in a closely contested race.
Voters in Colorado and Washington state adopted ballot measures yesterday that will legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use by anyone 21 years of age ...
According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data, the national suicide rate climbed slowly from 1999 to 2007, but then surged more than fourfold ...
The season's first winter storm pummeled the mid-Atlantic coast, bringing rain, up to 8 inches of snow, 60-mph wind gusts, a 2- to 4-foot ...
Women will occupy a record 20 of the U.S. Senate’s 100 seats when the 113th Congress opens in January, the result of numerous ...
Jared Loughner, the gunman who shot six dead and wounded 12 others, including former congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, outside a Tucson, AZ shopping center in January ...
McDonald’s worldwide sales fell 1.8 percent in October, marking the first drop in the fast food chain’s monthly sales figures since April ...
Dear The Onion, Your paper sets an unattainable standard of proper spelling and grammar that today’s youths will never be able to live up ...
Dear The Onion, Why is everyone saying “vagina” these days? Bea Dickerson, Traverse City, MI
A defeated man is victorious, millions are without power following the election, and the lives of John Boehner, Mitch McConell, and Eric Cantor retain meaning.
BBC America 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST A group of English tourists is stranded atop a hill in Scotland in this adaptation ...
NBC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST You’ll never believe the crazy jurisprudence that ensues when an Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals ...
Fox 3 a.m. EDT/2 a.m. CDT Reginald MacMillan explains why you’ve been steaming tomatoes all wrong.
TLC 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Oh my God! When are you due? Are you freaking out? How’s Jack dealing with ...
If you enjoy ancient civilizations and are a huge dick, then you’ll love this 12-day guided tour of Anatolian wine cellars, spice farms, and ...
Stroll through more than 200 picturesque rows of my beautiful orange trees. Pick as many of my oranges as you’d like—in fact, pick ...
Rowdy San Francisco Giants Fans Ransack Local Williams-Sonoma
Brian Cashman Spotted Signing Players In Middle Of Giants Victory Parade
Tigers Players Just Telling Jim Leyland They Won The World Series
Exhausted Aaron Rodgers Tired From Appearing In Ads During Commercial Breaks
Lone Runner Mike Bloomberg Wins NYC Marathon
Fracture In Steve Nash's Fibula Named NBA Broken Bone Of The Week
Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is ...
How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.
Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.
Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated, seething fury after this election.
With more than 10 million field reporters standing inside each and every voting booth, the Onion political team live blogged every aspect of Election Day.
