The Week In Pictures

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Issue 4845

Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...

Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave

BRIGHTON, MI—Visitors to Brighton’s Fairview Cemetery confirmed that since early this morning, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kneeling at his father’s gravestone and tearfully apologizing to the late politi...

Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7'

Upon acquiring Lucasfilm Ltd. last week, the Walt Disney Co. announced it was making a seventh episode of the Star Wars franchise for release in 2015.

Judge Swap

NBC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST You’ll never believe the crazy jurisprudence that ensues when an Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals judge switches places with a state superior court judge.

12 Miles Of Oranges!

Stroll through more than 200 picturesque rows of my beautiful orange trees. Pick as many of my oranges as you’d like—in fact, pick them all! But don’t eat them. Bring them back to me! No pay.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2012

Aries Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse. Taurus Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrib...

Obama, Romney Remain About Equally Powerful

WASHINGTON—Having won another four years in the White House, President Barack Obama will retain about the same amount of power as American multimillionaire Mitt Romney, leading political scientists confirmed today.

Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid

WICHITA, KS—Wichita 4th District alderperson Alan Klemke, who rode into office four years ago in one of the most stunning political upsets in U.S. history, saw his hopes for a second term dashed Tuesday

Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls

'You Are Our Supreme Leader,' Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison

NEW TEXAS, GALAXY OF LIBERTARIUS—In the largest political victory of his career, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was elected Supreme Ruler of the planet of New Texas today, a remote, fiscally conservative planet populated by 1 billion tiny versions of himself....

Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback

BOSTON—Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s loss of the 2012 presidential election to Barack Obama. ...

Millions Without Power Following Election

WASHINGTON—According to widespread reports, roughly 314 million Americans across the country have been left without any power following Tuesday’s devastating presidential election. As many struggle to cope amidst the continued outage, experts ...

Turkey For Assholes

If you enjoy ancient civilizations and are a huge dick, then you’ll love this 12-day guided tour of Anatolian wine cellars, spice farms, and prehistoric caves, which is specially designed for the smuggest limp-dick pricks. Dying to see Cappadocia? Even know what Cappadocia is? Then book today, asshole, and join us in fucking Turkey!

Defeated Man Victorious

CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection by exceeding 270 electoral votes.

Majestic Sounds Of 'Goddamn Long Line' Ring Across America

WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the country Tuesday, resonating with magnificent consonance from the highest mountain...

Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein'

ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station that the only name he recognized on the whole ballot was that of Green Party candida...

Gilligan’s Highland

BBC America 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST A group of English tourists is stranded atop a hill in Scotland in this adaptation of the classic American series.

Undecided Voter Pretty Sure He’s Some Kind Of Idiot

SEATTLE—With just one day to go before the presidential election between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, undecided voter Andrew Mueller is pretty sure he’s some kind of idiot, the 37-year-old Seattle resident told reporters today. According to M...

Celtics vs. Heat

The Celtics battle the Heat in a rematch of the 2012 Eastern Conference Finals featuring intrigue, betrayal, and a bunch of pricks.

Oh, Right, World Series

Uh, Giants Won

DETROIT—Sources close to Major League Baseball confirmed Tuesday that, oh, um, the World Series just happened.
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