The Week In Pictures

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Issue 4846

Sunday, November 18

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.

Obama: 'I Will Allow 10 States To Secede, But No More'

An intern just happens to be a beautiful 22-year-old woman, Elmo admits he's uncomfortable working with a gay puppeteer, and the nation is horrified to learn about the war in Afghanistan while reading up on the Petraeus scandal.

T.G.I. Friday's Unveils New Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce

CARROLLTON, TX—Looking to infuse its menu with “a little kick,” T.G.I. Friday’s this week introduced its new Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce, a “smoky-sweet glaze” that will serve as the cornerstone for a variety of new ent...

BP CEO: 'We Deeply Regret The Tragic Loss Of $4.5 Billion'

LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and heartfelt rem...

Bubba Gump Shrimp Owner Comforts Depressed Guy Fieri

'I've Been There, Bud,' Says Fellow Restaurant Owner

NEW YORK—Dejected by the scathing New York Times review of his new Times Square–based eatery, Guy Fieri was reportedly consoled today by local Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

Scientists Develop Highly Volatile New Relationship

PALO ALTO, CA—Marking a major breakthrough in the study of highly charged atmospheres and intense fields of emotional instability, scientists at Stanford University announced Thursday they had synthesized an entirely new and extremely volatile form ...

Saturday, November 17 and Sunday, November 18

The Armenian Festival will be held this Saturday and Sunday in Moody Park and is open to all those interested in Armenian music, food, and crafts, as well as anyone who is just curious what people of that ethnicity look like.

Second-Person Narrative Enthralling You

CHICAGO—In a piece of writing that had you intrigued from the very first clause, a second-person narrative you are reading right at this very moment is absolutely captivating you, sources reported.

Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn

SEATTLE—After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and reproduce.

Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts

Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy.

Saturday, November 17

From 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. this Saturday in the Food Lion parking lot, Boy Scout Troop 3578 will be collecting canned goods for their annual Canned Good Target Shoot.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 13, 2012

Aries The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life. Taurus No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent ha...

Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman

NEW YORK—In a turn of events sources described as “completely coincidental in every way,” the new intern at the consulting firm Marcus, McMahon, and Grieg, in addition to being the most qualified candidate for the position, also just hap...

Texans vs. Bears

The Texans battle the Bears in what could be a high-scoring defensive shootout.

Ben Affleck Defends Decision To Set 'Argo' In Boston

BOSTON—In an interview published today in Entertainment Weekly, actor-director Ben Affleck responded to movie reviewers’ near-unanimous criticism of his decision to set Argo, his new film about the Iranian hostage crisis, in modern-day Boston.

'04-'05 NHL Lockout Enters Ninth Year

NEW YORK—A little less than a decade ago, hockey fans were blessed with a slate of games every night, but on Thursday sources confirmed that for the ninth consecutive year NHL players have been locked out, with very slim hopes of an agreement in sig...
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