WASHINGTON—More than a year and a half after the conflict began, Americans across the country confirmed Monday that, having come this far without displaying ...

NEW YORK—In a turn of events sources described as “completely coincidental in every way,” the new intern at the consulting firm Marcus, McMahon, and ...

UNITED STATES—In a desperate fit of emotional neediness, all 314 million residents of the United States broke down today after going a whole week ...

WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that ...

SEATTLE—After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown ...

The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for ...

PALO ALTO, CA—Marking a major breakthrough in the study of highly charged atmospheres and intense fields of emotional instability, scientists at Stanford University announced ...

BOSTON—In an interview published today in Entertainment Weekly, actor-director Ben Affleck responded to movie reviewers’ near-unanimous criticism of his decision to set Argo, his ...

NEW YORK—With Monday’s peak web traffic hours nearly over, editors at the viral content site BuzzFeed told reporters they were still searching for ...

WASHINGTON—High-level sources in Washington confirmed today that CIA director David Petraeus was fully aware of his extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell almost ...

WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he ...

WASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified ...

NEW YORK—While stressing that he “in no way discriminates against or dislikes homosexuals,” Sesame Street star Elmo admitted to reporters Wednesday that he is ...

CHICAGO—In a piece of writing that had you intrigued from the very first clause, a second-person narrative you are reading right at this very ...

MEDIA, PA—Folding laundry Thursday morning as she watched television coverage of the latest revelations in the affair between Gen.

NEW YORK—Dejected by the scathing New York Times review of his new Times Square–based eatery, Guy Fieri was reportedly consoled today by local ...

BEIT LAHIA, GAZA STRIP—As her husband and three children remained trapped beneath burning debris from an Israeli airstrike, Gaza resident Adliya al-Haddad, 34, told ...

SPRINGFIELD, NH—In an effort to escape the intense media scrutiny surrounding her recently exposed liaison with former CIA director David Petraeus, Paula Broadwell is ...

LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive ...

CARROLLTON, TX—Looking to infuse its menu with “a little kick,” T.G.I. Friday’s this week introduced its new Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce ...

BOISE, ID—Explaining to reporters that he’s been meaning to see it for years, lifelong Boise resident Dale Kirkbride acknowledged Friday that he has ...

GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—Following Friday’s announcement that Hostess Brands was shuttering its facilities and ceasing operations, laid-off employee Howard Brock told reporters he was ...

LOS ANGELES—During a press junket for Breaking Dawn Part 2 Friday, actor Robert Pattinson told reporters that with The Twilight Saga now behind him ...

NEW YORK—Claiming that it’s “been going downhill for a while now,” lifelong Sesame Street viewer Brayden Granger, 5, told reporters Friday that he ...

DAVENPORT, IA—Continually claiming that he’s “not up for stuff like that right now,” local resident Andrew Hughes, 27, is apparently never in the ...

Relief agencies, businesses, and government are banding together with volunteers and local citizens to rebuild communities hit hard by Hurricane Sandy.

Aries The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with ...

ABERDEEN, SD—Brandon Timmons, 11, soaked his alto saxophone reed in Dr. Pepper before the Winter Concert, and it tasted awesome.

SAN ANTONIO—Eddie Philips tricked his aunt Maria into allowing proper nouns in Scrabble.

PURCELLVILLE, VA—For the life of her, Meagan Turner can’t remember when or how she got this key to the city of Tucson that ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Devon Tolbert, 29, turned out to be the male version of Devon.

$13.79 (-$1.38) (-9.10%) Share prices in the book retailer dropped on reports that every Barnes & Noble customer was just killing time until ...

NEW YORK—Hurricane Sandy victims reportedly received the sexually disturbing thoughts and prayers of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger this week when the two-time Super ...

DETROIT—The woeful start to the Pistons’ season continued Thursday when dominant 4-foot, 9-inch center Shauna Thompson led the Thirkell Elementary School girls basketball team ...

NEW YORK—A little less than a decade ago, hockey fans were blessed with a slate of games every night, but on Thursday sources confirmed ...

RUSTON, LA—Forty-nine-year-old NBA Hall of Famer Karl Malone told reporters Monday that in addition to helping coach Louisiana Tech’s basketball team and escaping ...

LOS ANGELES—Following his team’s surprising decision not to hire Phil Jackson as its new head coach, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak told reporters ...

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike ...

The Texans battle the Bears in what could be a high-scoring defensive shootout.

CIA director and retired four-star Army general David Petraeus resigned after the FBI discovered his extramarital affair with Paula Broadwell, the West Point graduate, Army ...

The world's largest retailer, Wal-Mart, announced it would open its U.S. stores at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving to kick off its annual ...

The highly anticipated first-person shooter Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 went on sale at midnight, and according to a poll on the gaming website ...

Aiming to attract young and health-conscious consumers, PepsiCo introduced “Pepsi Special” in Japan yesterday, a high-fiber drink that contains the water-absorbing substance dextrin, which the ...

Nearly doubling the figure from three years ago, the world’s governments requested access to Google’s private data almost 21,000 times during the ...

Citing mutations in genes that determine intelligence, as well as the fact that modern-day humans don’t have to rely as much on intellect in ...

A day after killing the top military leader of Hamas in an airstrike, Israel responded to a spate of Palestinian rocket attacks by stepping up ...

Following President Obama’s reelection, residents in all 50 states have filed petitions on the White House website requesting secession from the union, with six ...

Hostess Brands, the manufacturer of such iconic products as Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Wonder Bread, announced that it would shut its doors permanently and liquidate ...

Head coach Mike Brown has been fired by the Los Angeles Lakers, who have started the season with a conference-low 1-4 record despite adding Steve ...

An intern just happens to be a beautiful 22-year-old woman, Elmo admits he's uncomfortable working with a gay puppeteer, and the nation is horrified ...

In Wednesday’s article about the double shooting on Oakwood Avenue, the order of the crimes was accidentally reversed. It was murder, then suicide. The ...

The Onion got all excited last week after we thought we discovered a septapus, but it turns out it was just a regular dumb octopus ...

From 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. this Saturday in the Food Lion parking lot, Boy Scout Troop 3578 will be collecting canned goods ...

The Armenian Festival will be held this Saturday and Sunday in Moody Park and is open to all those interested in Armenian music, food, and ...

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief ...

City Of Nashville Seems To Be Taking NHL Lockout Pretty Well

Steve Nash, Mike D'Antoni Hoping To Recapture Western Conference Finals–Losing Magic

Giants Jump To Commanding NFC East Lead After Loss To Bengals

Embattled Lance Armstrong Resigns From U.S. Anti-Doping Agency's Board Of Directors

Packers Lose 4 More Starters To Injury During Bye Week

Jay-Z Already Sick Of Watching Nets Games

Financial markets were thrown into chaos and consumer confidence plunged to its lowest level in decades Tuesday following the commercial release of This Christmas, a ...

Local man Adam Gould, 24, who recently began watching ABC’s science fiction drama series Lost on DVD, is in for a whole world of ...

 Less than two months after joining the militant Islamist organization al-Qaeda, recently recruited operative Umar Hassan told reporters Tuesday he has already grown tired of ...

NEW YORK—Financial markets were thrown into chaos and consumer confidence plunged to its lowest level in decades Tuesday following the commercial release of This ...

MEDFORD, OR—Local man Adam Gould, 24, who recently began watching ABC’s science fiction drama series Lost on DVD, is in for a whole ...

BANNU, PAKISTAN—Less than two months after joining the militant Islamist organization al-Qaeda, recently recruited operative Umar Hassan told reporters Tuesday he has already grown ...

Jim and Tracy throw to a local weatherman who reports it sure is windy as shit today.

At a loss to explain Mitt Romney's defeat, conservative billionaires are putting the blame squarely on the shoulders of money.

President Obama compared his second term to the TV show "Homeland," promising fans more twists, more action, and a storyline "that will blow your mind."