The Week In Pictures

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Issue 4846

Sunday, November 18

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Business

The Week In Pictures

Sources: Petraeus Knew About Affair For More Than A Year
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Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever
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Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman
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Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians
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Lakers GM Claims Mike D'Antoni Had More Impressive Cover Letter Than Phil Jackson
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John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession
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Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal
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Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn
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Elmo Admits He's Uncomfortable Working With Gay Puppeteer
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Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching 'Lost' In For World Of Disappointment
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Second-Person Narrative Enthralling You
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Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director
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BP CEO: 'We Deeply Regret The Tragic Loss Of $4.5 Billion'
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Obama: 'Second Term Will Be Like Breaking Bad Times Homeland Plus The Sopranos'
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New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks
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