CLEVELAND—Case Western Reserve University freshman Brian Calabrese, 18, who will be the only student staying on campus this holiday weekend, is planning the saddest ...
JERUSALEM—Bitter fighting between Israel and Hamas reportedly showed no signs of abating Tuesday as both sides continued to lay exclusive claim to several of ...
TAMPA, FL—Saying it was his only real option to earn much-needed cash, U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan told reporters Tuesday he had been ...
BALTIMORE—According to a study published Tuesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have succeeded in conclusively linking everyone ...
WASHINGTON—The Environmental Protection Agency launched a major new ad campaign Monday encouraging people to conserve resources by turning off their showers when they’re ...
CLEVELAND—Local dad Kevin Marshall, 29, began to voice concerns Monday that his 3-year-old son Bryant might be a real ding-dong, household sources confirmed.
GAZA CITY—As civilian casualties continue to mount amid the escalating conflict along the Gaza Strip, 8-year-old Palestinian boy Walid Suleiman expressed both joy and ...
LOS ANGELES—Silencing gossip in the media about her weight, singer and actress Jessica Simpson wowed crowds this weekend when she stepped out in Beverly ...
FORT WORTH, TX—Claiming the drain on time and resources involved in operating an airline was preventing them from pursuing their true goals as a ...
WASHINGTON—Sequestered in their homes today to review talking points on a range of topics from gay marriage to Gaza to the wisdom of purchasing ...
Unless Democrats and Republicans can reach an agreement by Jan. 1, 2013, the United States will go over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” triggering automatic spending ...
Every host wants to pull off the perfect holiday gathering with a delicious, stress-free meal that leaves friends and family happy and satisfied.
Aries You have a mind like a steel trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
Taurus Never in a ...
FITZWILLIAM, NH—Tim Java, 36, would finally settle down if only the world contained a woman who was capable of making fish sticks the way ...
FUNSTON, GA—The students in Dana Edgington’s eighth-grade English class looked forward to crushing her spirit a little bit more today.
AUSTIN, TX—Melissa Collins, 38, thinks she must be the unluckiest person in the whole world, but that’s only because she doesn’t know ...
FREEPORT, IL—Dave Heidecker, 31, figured it was probably time to bring the sofa indoors for winter.
$9.93 (-$1.13) (-10.22%) Stock prices tumbled after investors discovered Fords can’t drive underwater even for, like, a second.
PHILADELPHIA—As they continued to monitor the 12-year veteran for concussion symptoms, Eagles team doctors announced this morning that they would not clear quarterback Michael ...
CHICAGO—Bears trainers were reportedly worried about the significant concussion suffered by Jay Cutler during Chicago's loss to the Texans Sunday, expressing fears that ...
EUGENE, OR—Now synonymous with controversial uniforms, the Oregon Ducks reached a new level of contentiousness Saturday when they took the field to play Stanford ...
The Ravens battle the Steelers in a game in which both teams will leave everything on the field, making it difficult to travel across the ...
Marketed to adults, Cracker Jack’d Power Bites—a spin-off of the classic snack—will be sold in 2-ounce packages that contain as much caffeine ...
Scientists in Brazil announced their intention to clone eight native species, including the jaguar, the bush dog, and varieties of bison and deer, as part ...
In retaliation for Israel’s threat to cut off Internet access in Gaza, the shadowy hacker collective Anonymous launched attacks on 700 Israeli websites, downing ...
Last year, according to the World Meteorological Organization, atmospheric concentrations of greenhouse gases—including carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide—rose to their highest levels ...
A study of more than 500 captive apes found the primates experienced a decrease in happiness from the end of their childhoods until middle age ...
Kevin Clash, who served for 28 years as the puppeteer and voice of the popular Sesame Street character Elmo, resigned yesterday amid allegations that he ...
Citizens throughout the United States are celebrating Thanksgiving at home with family. What are you thankful for this year?
Dear The Onion, You know who’s an underrated actor? I’m making a list, but I don’t have any names yet. Dietrich Brandt ...
Dear The Onion, As a longtime reader of letters to the editor, I decided it was finally time to put my money where my mouth ...
Fox 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Contestants must correctly choose between performing a humiliating task on air or claiming, “That’s too ...
Animal Planet 7 p.m. EST/6 p.m. CST Houston Animal Control busts an illegal dog poker game.
Discovery 5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST A passenger in a deepening state of anaphylactic shock is unable to answer the three trivia ...
Just A Gray TV Screen (PBS) 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST The highly anticipated American debut adapted from the British hit Just ...
Newly available townhouse features three bedrooms, two and a half baths, one kitchen, 68 electrical outlets, 16 windows, four ceiling fans, 12 doors, and a ...
It’s not a shithole. Sure, it could use some work, the plumbing’s not great, and there might be a foundation issue, but come ...
Tim Duncan Constructs New Content Management System For NBA.com On Road Trip
Joe Buck Prefaces Joke By Saying He's About To Tell Joke
Longstanding Rutgers-Iowa Rivalry To Be Reignited In New Big 10 Conference
Sources say the former candidate has invested in an expert team of life purpose consultants to help him weigh his post-election possibilities.
5-Hour Energy's CEO says consumers are willing to pay the ultimate price in the ongoing war against mid-day fatigue.
Thanksgiving is ruined thanks to the accidental and terrifying release of serial rapist Tom Gobbler.
