UPS Reports Troubling Drop In Residents Answering Doors In Lingerie

Top Headlines

Issue 4848

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

Negligent Group Believed Responsible For Millions Of American Deaths

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

Geese All Flying To Andy García's House For Winter

LOS ANGELES—In an annual ritual that has long heralded the changing of seasons, thousands of geese have left their native breeding grounds across North America and begun to head south, taking to the skies in droves as they migrate to actor Andy Garc...

U.N. Agency Says 2012 Celebrities Hottest On Record

HELSINKI—In a report released Thursday at the United Nations pop culture summit in Finland, a consortium of leading entertainment scientists confirmed that the year 2012 has witnessed the hottest celebrities in recorded history. Citing evidence such...

Powerball Winners Already Divorced, Bankrupt

DEARBORN, MO—Less than 24 hours after last night’s Powerball drawing, reports confirmed that the two winners of the $587 million jackpot are both already divorced from their respective spouses, alienated from their friends and families, and co...

Remaking The Republican Party

Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the party’s image.

'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says

SEATTLE—Sad, pathetic local web developer and blogger Phillip Cathin, 34, told reporters today that he sees himself as “a brand.” The pitiful man, who works in development and design at the Seattle-based software company Woot, told repor...

Minnie Caren

Minnie Caren, 81, passed away last evening, leaving behind her son, Steven; her daughter, Sandy; and so many goddamn papers, like, just boxes full of papers.

Marilyn Jacobs

Marilyn Jacobs, 73, died after a brief illness but a really long scream.

Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East

Desecration Of Tomb To Usher In Generations Of Death, Chaos

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—Experts familiar with the ancient prophecies warned Tuesday that by exhuming the remains of former leader Yasser Arafat, Palestinian officials had unleashed a horrible curse upon the Middle East, dooming the region to now begin c...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 27, 2012 

Aries You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes. Taurus The stars indicate the start of an exciting ...

New Season Of 'Downton Abbey' Jumps Forward To Year 2121

LONDON—Fans of the wildly popular period drama Downton Abbey were delighted Friday when producers announced that, following another successful run on British television this fall, the show has been renewed for a fourth season, which they conf...

42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record

NEW YORK—According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed to be the bloodiest Black Friday shopping event in history. First responders reporting from...

Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo

DALLAS—Posing with his family in a 10-second promotional spot for the NFL that aired during Thursday’s game between the Cowboys and Redskins, Dallas wide receiver Dez Bryant could be seen reproachfully smacking his son, Zayne Bryant, whom he n...

BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All

RESTON, VA—In an unexpected turn of events, Aunt Trisha announced Thursday that her son Mark is actually coming to Thanksgiving dinner after all, confirming that the 29-year-old can definitely make it now.

Grandson Has Long Hair

Like a Girl—He Has Girl Hair

ROCKFORD, IL—Despite ostensibly being a boy, local grandson Eric Detweiler, 17, has long hair just like a girl’s, his grandfather reported Wednesday.

Patriots vs. Jets

The Jets host the Patriots in a battle between an elite quarterback and, well, it's Thanksgiving, so nicer not to say anything at all.

Cowboys vs. Redskins

The Cowboys host the Redskins for a game that will go to whoever wants it more, unless the team that wants it more fumbles six or seven times.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

UPS Reports Troubling Drop In Residents Answering Doors In Lingerie

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In what delivery personnel are calling an alarming nationwide trend, customers who answer the door wearing alluring lingerie and little else now account for less than 24 percent of the shipping business, a six-month investigation by UPS officials confirmed Monday. “The latest numbers are, frankly, unacceptable, and a far cry from where the industry stood a decade ago, when the observed rate of middle-aged women receiving packages in titillating undergarments soared as high as 60 percent,” UPS spokesperson Mark Dickens told reporters. “Perhaps more upsetting is the fact that, of those still wearing carelessly fastened negligees or lace garter belts, a mere 12 percent are remarking on how very, very hot it is outside, inviting the deliverymen in for lemonade, and then conspicuously mentioning that their husbands are away at work and won’t be back for a long time. This is a problem that must be rectified immediately.” Despite the grim outlook for the home delivery service, a recent employee survey conducted by Time Warner Cable found that its repair technicians continued to report a steady bra-and-panties rate of 92 percent.