LONDON—Fans of the wildly popular period drama Downton Abbey were delighted Friday when producers announced that, following another successful run on British television this ...

CANTON, OH—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, an unkempt and thoroughly disheveled Mitt Romney gave an impassioned campaign speech Monday to a group of ...

NEW YORK—In a highly anticipated episode of the popular talk show U.N. Tonight! With Ban Ki-Moon, Latvian representative to the United Nations and ...

SEATTLE—Sad, pathetic local web developer and blogger Phillip Cathin, 34, told reporters today that he sees himself as “a brand.” The pitiful man, who ...

DEARBORN, MO—Less than 24 hours after last night’s Powerball drawing, reports confirmed that the two winners of the $587 million jackpot are both ...

HELSINKI—In a report released Thursday at the United Nations pop culture summit in Finland, a consortium of leading entertainment scientists confirmed that the year ...

LOS ANGELES—In an annual ritual that has long heralded the changing of seasons, thousands of geese have left their native breeding grounds across North ...

GAZA CITY—Following today’s announcement of an official ceasefire between Hamas and Israel, putting an end to eight straight days of widespread violence along ...

ROCKFORD, IL—Despite ostensibly being a boy, local grandson Eric Detweiler, 17, has long hair just like a girl’s, his grandfather reported Wednesday.

RESTON, VA—In an unexpected turn of events, Aunt Trisha announced Thursday that her son Mark is actually coming to Thanksgiving dinner after all, confirming ...

NEWARK, NJ—Rendered unconscious by a powerful sleep-inducing cough suppressant, 8-month-old Emma Janofsky reportedly won praise from fellow airline passengers Sunday for being “such a ...

CANTON, OH—Not one to be given the runaround, local dad Mark Shawsky, 56, made sure to really hold a Best Buy sales clerk’s ...

ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case ...

CAIRO—Following countrywide protests against President Mohamed Morsi’s sweeping assertions of executive power, sources confirmed Tuesday that, just so you know, there’s no ...

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—Experts familiar with the ancient prophecies warned Tuesday that by exhuming the remains of former leader Yasser Arafat, Palestinian officials had unleashed ...

LOS ANGELES—Delighting fans of the popular ’90s sitcom, producers at ABC announced Tuesday that Cory Matthews, Topanga Lawrence, and other beloved characters from Boy ...

WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment ...

PHOENIX—Retail chain PetSmart Inc. came under fire this week after a police investigation revealed the company’s loose background-screening process had allowed a deranged ...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to eyewitness reports, visibly frantic area resident Dwight Freeman, 31, rushed headlong out his front door Sunday in a desperate attempt to ...

MCLEAN, VA—Despite spending hundreds of millions of dollars in branding and promotion each year, no one at Capital One Financial Corporation can precisely recall ...

GOMA, DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO—While he admitted to having heard mentions of the bloody uprising and grave humanitarian crisis, Congolese rebel Emmanuel Muamba, 26 ...

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James ...

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In what delivery personnel are calling an alarming nationwide trend, customers who answer the door wearing alluring lingerie and little else now ...

Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the ...

Aries You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their ...

POOLESVILLE, MD—Veronica Dunn, 24, took a moment to admire the manner in which the year’s first gentle snowfall blanketed her street before skidding ...

JOHN DAY, OR—Diner patron Cliff Fromer knew he was dying from the robber’s gunshot, but that didn’t stop him from getting one ...

PHILADELPHIA—Diane Carpola, 68, continued her longstanding tradition of answering the phone by asking, “Who’s this?”

$31.26 (+$1.09) (+3.61%) Investors reacted positively to the company’s plan to discontinue developing treelike antennas and focus solely on breeding trees ...

PHILADELPHIA—Speaking to reporters after suffering a setback with lingering injuries, 76ers center Andrew Bynum admitted Wednesday that the intense pain in his knees was ...

DALLAS—Posing with his family in a 10-second promotional spot for the NFL that aired during Thursday’s game between the Cowboys and Redskins, Dallas ...

MINNEAPOLIS—After suffering another setback in a long line of chronic knee issues, Minnesota Timberwolves guard Brandon Roy announced Monday that he has finally purchased ...

The Cowboys host the Redskins for a game that will go to whoever wants it more, unless the team that wants it more fumbles six ...

The Jets host the Patriots in a battle between an elite quarterback and, well, it's Thanksgiving, so nicer not to say anything at all.

According to the United Nations, there were 700,000 fewer new cases of HIV last year than in 2001, with 25 low- and middle-income countries ...

With many Black Friday sales beginning earlier this year—including several that started on Thanksgiving night—stores and online retailers together lured a record 247 ...

The overall number and rate of abortions in the United States fell 5 percent from 2008 to 2009, the biggest drop in at least a ...

Following an investigation that found polonium-210, a lethal chemical, on articles of his clothing, the body of longtime Palestinian nationalist leader Yasser Arafat, who died ...

In order to reach a bipartisan deal to prevent the nation from going over the “fiscal cliff,” several top Republicans have stated they would defy ...

Strong sales of Powerball tickets have been reported across the United States ahead of tonight’s drawing, as the multistate lottery game’s jackpot has ...

In his first meeting with Mitt Romney since winning reelection, President Barack Obama hosted his former political rival for lunch at the White House today ...

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Astronomy in Germany announced the discovery of the biggest black hole ever recorded, a mammoth ultradense celestial body ...

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and ...

Special investigative reporter Gavin Fisher outfits his parents home with hidden cameras to refute claims he ruined the family's Thanksgiving gathering.

The Department of the Interior releases a brand new stick, a lax PetSmart background check allows a deranged gerbil to slip through the cracks, and ...

Now that he’s dead, The Onion would like it to be known that every anonymous source ever quoted in this paper was this one ...

As it turns out, a good 75 percent of the answers we printed to the Regents Integrated Algebra exam were incorrect. The Onion regrets the ...

Marilyn Jacobs, 73, died after a brief illness but a really long scream.

Minnie Caren, 81, passed away last evening, leaving behind her son, Steven; her daughter, Sandy; and so many goddamn papers, like, just boxes full of ...

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what ...

Report: Byron Leftwich Has 200 Broken Ribs

Miami Hurricanes Also Impose Unprecedented Postseason Bowl Ban On Florida Gators

Al Michaels Spends Entire Thanksgiving Practicing Pronunciation Of 'Hoomanawanui' For Thursday Night Game

Charlie Batch Frantically Rehabbing Ben Roethlisberger's Shoulder

Philadelphia High School for Performing and Visual Arts student Samantha Bylum, 16, told reporters this week that she is currently experiencing an overwhelming amount of ...

The U.S. Department of the Interior held a press conference Wednesday to announce the release of a new stick.

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 ...

PHILADELPHIA—Philadelphia High School for Performing and Visual Arts student Samantha Bylum, 16, told reporters this week that she is currently experiencing an overwhelming amount ...

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of the Interior held a press conference Wednesday to announce the release of a new stick.

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23 ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Go, Fucking Dog, Go: An I Can Read It All By My ...

A report from Forbes magazine says that even in this economy, employers are still hiring workers who have witnessed them murder someone.