MCCOMB, AL—In an announcement that quickly set Lowndes County abuzz with excitement, royal family sources revealed Tuesday that Brandy Puckett, 15, Duchess of McComb ...

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Transportation announced plans Wednesday to stage Traffic Jam 2013, a brand-new highway concert series that will feature popular musical ...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting attitudes held throughout his personal and political life, President Barack Obama restated Thursday his long-standing fear that the U.S.

PHILADELPHIA—Having been talked by her boyfriend into seeing Skyfall instead, a movie he insisted they would both enjoy, local girlfriend Chelsea Condos, 27, confirmed ...

FARIBAULT, MN—In a turn of events reportedly unforeseen by the party of four, the waitress at Tony's Family Restaurant who brought the Sostek ...

PAULLINA, IA—In an e-mail to readers on Monday, editors of the Dunbar Family Annual Christmas Update announced that due to logistical constraints, they had ...

ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast food chain Hardee’s announced plans Tuesday to equip every table at its restaurants with its ...

LONDON—Excited members of the British royal family released an ultrasound image Tuesday morning showing the unborn child of the former Kate Middleton, the Duchess ...

LOS ANGELES—Promising “jaw-dropping inconsistencies” and “flaws in the story line you never saw coming,” producers of the Showtime series Dexter offered fans a teasing ...

MIAMI—In his first post since joining social networking site Twitter early this week, Pope Benedict XVI has tweeted a picture of himself spending time ...

GURNEE, IL—After dating only two months, local couple Marcus Evenberg and Tyra Stone told reporters Wednesday their relationship already appeared to be hurtling toward ...

SEATTLE—Celebrating the new law in Washington state that allows him to freely smoke marijuana within his home, local man Erik Cirrone, 25, told reporters ...

ORSON, IN—Characters from ABC situational comedy The Middle are reportedly still in complete and utter shock after the conclusion of a recent Christmas episode ...

SHERIDAN, WY—Saying he must get them somehow but that his means of procurement remained a mystery, the children of area father Don Griffith, 42 ...

PHILADELPHIA—A new study published Friday by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania found that under certain conditions, even the most primitive of shoppers possessed ...

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone ...

WASHINGTON—Amid the continuing debate over the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” sources close to House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) confirmed Monday that he simply wants his ...

Excitement is building ahead of next week’s opening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first in a three-part series based on the classic ...

Aries The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down ...

MCALESTER, OK—Andrew Maniloff, 29, wants to put his change neatly back into his wallet, but fuck, there’s like a billion people in line ...

VIDOR, TX—The parents of Anthony Magdon, 12, were sure to buy all the video games that looked similar to, but weren’t actually, the ...

LIVONIA, MI—Local man Raymond George briefly contemplated whether or not he had ever heard of tilapia before 10 years ago.

PHILADELPHIA—Colleen Brazil saved the penis hats in the hope that someday she might have a daughter who would use them at her own bachelorette ...

$86.33 (+$2.32) (2.76%) Stock prices rose as investors realized it was really fun to move dirt around.

HOUSTON—Following up on his assertion that Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is “not Houston Texan–worthy,” Texans quarterback Matt Schaub released a comprehensive list ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Coming off his second straight win as 49ers quarterback, Colin Kaepernick admitted to reporters Thursday that watching Alex Smith over the past two ...

NEW YORK—Little, Brown and Company announced Monday the forthcoming publication of The Nolan Ryan Baseball Cookbook, a collection of recipes from MLB’s all-time ...

NEW YORK—After working through thousands of tiebreaker hypotheticals, scientists in the NFL’s research division reported Thursday that they had discovered a previously unknown ...

BROOKLYN, NY—Calling it a “disgusting habit,” teammates and coaches finally asked Nets point guard Deron Williams to stop dribbling the ball with his mouth ...

BETTENDORF, IA—ESPN.com visitor Eric Escobedo was forced to endure a full 30-second advertisement for Bank of America on the website Sunday night, an ...

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The Falcons host the Saints in a game in which a victory for Atlanta will bring the team one step closer to an inevitable playoff ...

Confidence among U.S. consumers has risen this month to its highest level in nearly five years. What do you think?

According to Forbes magazine, longtime hip-hop artist and producer Dr. Dre was the highest-paid musician of 2012 with earnings of $100 million, which stemmed largely ...

The Vatican unveiled Pope Benedict XVI’s personal Twitter account today, @pontifex, and stated that the Catholic leader would begin tweeting in eight languages on ...

Appearing in Bahrain to promote a new milkshake franchise called Millions of Milkshakes, celebrity socialite Kim Kardashian reportedly drew thousands of fans as well as ...

Twenty years ago yesterday, London-based software engineer Neil Papworth sent the world’s first text message, “Merry Christmas,” to a telecommunications executive at a party ...

Citing an uptick in influenza reports in the Southeast and Texas, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned that flu season has arrived a ...

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would garner the support of 57 percent of Americans—66 percent of women and 49 percent of men—if she ...

Following the success of its Curiosity rover, which has made key discoveries about the past existence of liquid water on the surface of Mars, NASA ...

Having manufactured its products in Asia since the late 1990s, tech giant Apple announced this week that it would return production of some of its ...

The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks announced plans to open 3,000 new stores in North and South America over the next five years, with half ...

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational ...

Dear The Onion, My girlfriend and I can’t find a decent place to eat in our neighborhood. Help! Please publish a restaurant review soon ...

Dear The Onion, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Fuller family! There’s no picture this year because Mary got her face burnt ...

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and ...

Discovery 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Oh, man, you’ll never guess what happens to this idiot’s torso!

ABC 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT This annual holiday classic tells the story of a normal reindeer who follows the social code ...

GSN 5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST Contestants attempt to give Matthew Broderick the best massage of his life as he lies naked ...

PBS 7 a.m. EST/6 a.m. CST Cookie Monster is killed off.

Pete Bushnell and Mary Thoft were married Saturday in a church that still smelled like the previous day’s funeral.

A Lego man and Dora the Explorer sealed their arranged marriage Wednesday with a face collision.

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony ...

Retiring Fireman Ed To Spend Sundays Being Loud, Obnoxious Asshole At Home

Packers GM Checks Waiver Wire For Offensive Lines

Duke Retains Top Duke Spot In Duke Rankings

Jon Gruden Casually Mentions He's Rock Hard After Watching Eli Manning's Throwing Motion

Robert Griffin III Sends Receivers On Routes That Will Get Them Out Of His Way

Seahawks Limit Cardinals To 154 Yards On Flight Home From Seattle

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games ...

NEW YORK—In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to ...

The $500 million Powerball drawing has been delayed after officials admitted they can't find the lotto balls anywhere.

Powerball officials explain where they found the missing lotto balls and what they're doing to make sure they never lose them again.

 The upcoming 'Boy Meets World' spin-off is thrilling fans who haven't grown up at all since the original went off the air.

Contrary to popular belief, a new study says parents may want to prevent their newborns from being bitten by horses.

Apple is working hard to move streets, buildings, and natural features of the Earth itself to be consistent with their heavily criticized Maps software.

Viewers who have never seen nor heard of the concept of pornography provided a massive ratings bump for this year's lingerie fashion show.