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Issue 4850

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

Just Fuck It All To Hell

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...

McDonald's Prints Calorie Count Right Onto Meat

A rare pornographic movie is shot at the Vatican for the first time since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV,' Taylor Swift is apparently now dating 'Garfield' creator Jim Davis, and Mumford and Sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for Christmas.

Roger Goodell Proposes Eliminating Ball From NFL

NEW YORK—Responding to concerns about high injury rates on plays involving a football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell introduced a possible rule change Friday that would eliminate balls from the game entirely.

Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer

BURBANK, CA—Insisting that such a film must not go under-gaffed, producers of the Warner Bros. comedy-horror film Blood Brothers reportedly coaxed Brett Atkins, the film industry’s most legendary gaffer, out of retirement this week at a...

Taylor Swift Now Dating Suri Cruise

NEW YORK—Following her recent string of high-profile relationships, including a romance earlier this week with Garfield cartoonist Jim Davis, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is now dating Suri Cruise, sources confirmed today.

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of December 10, 2012

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Stop Thinking, You're Already Right Hock Thurbugh (Patriot Press, $34.59) The author issues a rousing call to stop paying attention to real-world facts or reflecting on any alternative opinions that might threaten to upend the notions you already possess and instead just focus on being you. The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge The Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99)

Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile

PYONGYANG—Following North Korea’s sudden and controversial launch of a long-range rocket Wednesday morning, reports have confirmed that Ri Sol-ju, the wife of leader Kim Jong-un, successfully jumped inside the missile just in time to escape the com...

The Onion's Gift Guide For The Home

Are you the kind of asshole who can't get enough Crate & Barrel? If so, find the right presents to liven up your home this holiday season in The Onion's gift guide for the home. Ceramic Family Soup Bowl Enjoy stews, bisques, chowders, ...

Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy 

Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the state of the n...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of December 11, 2012

Aries A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard. Taurus Friends and family members have...

Other Nurse Thought It Was Funny

LONDON—Responding to popular outrage over the prank call from Australian DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian that may have led to London nurse Jacintha Saldana’s suicide last week, ward nurse Lynn Parker, who also spoke to the pair of radio ho...

Johnny Manziel

Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel threw 24 touchdowns and rushed for 19 during his freshman year, becoming the first freshman to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Jerry Jones Wanders Up And Down Field During Game

DALLAS—Claiming he wanted to “go get himself” a closer look at the action, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wandered out onto the field during his team’s game against the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday, joining huddles, advising players, and ...
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