WASHINGTON—High-ranking members of the toddler community made an impassioned appeal Tuesday for greater duck visibility, calling for more unobstructed views of the beloved waterfowl. 

PHOENIX—According to sources currently seated in rows 14 through 18 aboard flight 763, two middle-aged men with incredibly boring jobs are really hitting it ...

DURHAM, NC—In a groundbreaking study published this week in the Journal Of Social Psychology, scientists reported that members of the millennial generation typically spend ...

PYONGYANG—Following North Korea’s sudden and controversial launch of a long-range rocket Wednesday morning, reports have confirmed that Ri Sol-ju, the wife of leader ...

FAIRFIELD, CT—Heeding warnings that a world-ending cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, local man Craig Massey, 26, who will be one of several thousand ...

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the ...

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they “had [their] hearts set” on the venue, engaged couple Tamara Hunter and David Bryant expressed disappointment to reporters Monday upon learning ...

LONDON—Responding to popular outrage over the prank call from Australian DJs Mel Greig and Michael Christian that may have led to London nurse Jacintha ...

NEW YORK—Following reports earlier this week of pop star Taylor Swift’s whirlwind romance with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that ...

LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more ...

HUNTINGTON, WV—Local resident Ann Jacobsen announced Tuesday that she is “champing at the bit” to complain to township officials should anyone object to a ...

WORLDWIDE—With just days remaining until Christmas, sources reported that excitement for the holiday has reached a fever pitch for hundreds of people who will ...

CLACKAMAS, OR—Following the shooting at a crowded Oregon mall that killed two people Tuesday, local authorities confirmed they were not even going to waste ...

LONDON—According to sources close to the English folk-rock quartet Mumford and Sons, the band’s members were surprised to discover during their annual Christmas ...

NEW YORK—Mere hours after the printing of Odin’s Cleft, the 472-page marine technothriller he spent most of the year crafting, veteran author Clive ...

WASHINGTON—In a unanimous 9-0 ruling Friday, the Supreme Court upheld a controversial federal law allowing licensed judges to carry concealed gavels in public.

DEARBORN, MI—In a bold new series of print and television advertisements launched this week, the Ford Motor Company reportedly aims to appeal to consumers ...

NEW YORK—Emphasizing the importance of “developing contacts and getting your name out there,” sales coordinator Keith Elliott told reporters on Tuesday that he was ...

NEW YORK—Following her recent string of high-profile relationships, including a romance earlier this week with Garfield cartoonist Jim Davis, singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is now ...

BURBANK, CA—Insisting that such a film must not go under-gaffed, producers of the Warner Bros. comedy-horror film Blood Brothers reportedly coaxed Brett Atkins, the ...

WASHINGTON—Following reports of a mass shooting at a Connecticut elementary school that left 20 children dead, sources just confirmed that it is totally fine ...

NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that ...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of yesterday’s gruesome mass shooting that claimed the lives of 27 people, including 20 schoolchildren, the United States ratified a ...

With the Mayan Long Count calendar concluding a 5,125-year cycle, many doomsayers are predicting a cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, Dec.

Aries A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one ...

HAMMOND, IN—Five-year-old David Groen figured if he’s made it that far, it’s okay to be really, really bad on Christmas Eve.

LOS ANGELES—While stuck in traffic, Neil Samdy daydreamed about what it would be like to be stuck in traffic in a flying car.

WARWICK, RI—No one in the Catalano family was really sure if Aunt Ellen merely forgot to buy everyone those creepy looking angel figurines this ...

GAINESVILLE, GA—Cathy Fiori sure made the most of her opposable thumbs today.

$249.33 (-$17.18) (-6.45%) The Mexican fast food restaurant chain suffered a major setback today after announcing the unfortunate passing of the tiny ...

DALLAS—Claiming he wanted to “go get himself” a closer look at the action, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wandered out onto the field during his ...

PITTSBURGH—Steelers third-string quarterback Charlie Batch told reporters Wednesday that he still felt completely humiliated by the shame of nearly losing to Baltimore Ravens quarterback ...

LOS ANGELES—Claiming there was “no excuse” for tolerating weakness, Lakers guard Kobe Bryant publicly called out his teammates Thursday for their failure to condemn ...

PHILADELPHIA—According to team sources, members of the Philadelphia Eagles’ staff were “incredibly troubled” Friday after new starting quarterback Nick Foles began asking about the ...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Jets quarterback Tim Tebow reportedly sat alone during Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, arranging empty Gatorade cups in the wildcat formation ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated with the poor quality of lists the website’s writers have produced as of late, BleacherReport.com editor Eric Briggs threatened Monday ...

NEW YORK—Responding to concerns about high injury rates on plays involving a football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell introduced a possible rule change Friday that ...

WASHINGTON—Conceding that designing plays is a difficult task, Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan admitted Thursday that his mother, Peggy, helped him create most of ...

Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel threw 24 touchdowns and rushed for 19 during his freshman year, becoming the first freshman to win the Heisman ...

Recent studies have showed that coffee drinkers are likely to live longer than non-coffee-drinkers, regardless of whether their beverage of choice is regular or decaf.

According to an analysis by U.S. intelligence agencies, China will have surpassed the United States to become the world’s largest economy by 2030.

With YouTube banned there since the disputed election of 2009, Iran recently launched its own video-sharing website called “Mehr” (the Farsi word for “affection”), which ...

In what may be the largest demonstration ever held at the Michigan Capitol, labor supporters protested the Republican-controlled legislature’s passage of a right-to-work bill ...

In honor of President Barack Obama, a Yale University scientist has bestowed the name Obamadon gracilis on a species of ancient lizard that was less ...

Though the rocket fired by North Korea this morning appears only to have placed a satellite in orbit, many experts believe the country’s primary ...

The government will remove the paraphrased quotation “I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness” from Washington’s Martin Luther King Jr.

Two men have been accused of planning to capture teen pop sensation Justin Bieber at a recent concert, strangle him to death with a paisley ...

According to Google, the world’s top trending search topic of 2012 was “Whitney Houston,” the famed American vocalist who died in February.

With time running out before the Jan. 1 deadline, President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner appear no closer to reaching a deal ...

A rare pornographic movie is shot at the Vatican for the first time since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV,' Taylor Swift is apparently now dating ...

Last Sunday, this paper ran a story about dream kitchens. It should have been about the cyclical nature of the homelessness problem in America. The ...

Friday’s issue was scratchable but not sniffable. The Onion regrets the error.

LeBron James Honored To Be Named 2012 Thing He Doesn't Care About

Vikings Coach Maintains Confidence In Christian Ponder's Ability To Hand Ball To Adrian Peterson

Mike Mularkey Released From Hospital After Suffering From Overexposure To Jacksonville Jaguars

Jason Garrett Says Cowboys Must Avoid Silly Mistakes Like Killing Teammates In Drunk-Driving Accidents

Informing reporters that it was one of the coolest things he had ever seen, 38-year-old little boy Nick Weber posted a photograph of a fast ...

Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of ...

Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as the 32-year-old ...

Sources confirmed a new hardcore pornographic movie began shooting at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday, marking the first time the seat of the Roman Catholic ...

EASTON, MD—Informing reporters that it was one of the coolest things he had ever seen, 38-year-old little boy Nick Weber posted a photograph of ...

NEW YORK—Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the ...

FAIRBORN, OH—Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as ...

VATICAN CITY—Sources confirmed a new hardcore pornographic movie began shooting at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday [Click For Full Story And Video]

Dec. 7—Oak Creek resident Elyse Scott must have made 50 noise complaints tonight and the next-door neighbors still won’t stop having fun.

Dec. 7—Several ruffians in the area decided to get into an altercation outside of Murray’s bar even though it’s like 20 degrees ...

Dec. 8—Officers stopped a vehicle on Center Street that turned out to be filled with hundreds of pounds of illegal fireworks, 75 CO2 cartridges ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Stop Thinking, You're Already RightHock Thurbugh (Patriot Press, $34.59 ...

The pharmacy chain is hoping to become America's top retailer of crap that costs $20 and is right around the corner from your office.

Scientists believe that water underneath Mercury's surface means the planet could be turned into a cool space jail where prisoners are held in place ...

In an effort to reach today's youth, Pope Benedict has joined Twitter and completely stopped going to church and believing in God.

Looking for the perfect present for your kids? The Onion presents its ultimate holiday gift guide for children ages 5 and up.

Before you waste your money again, The Onion's holiday gift guide offers these can’t miss ideas for what to give your somewhat-loved ones ...