Issue 4851
'Zero Dark Thirty' Reveals Navy SEALs Killed Bin Laden By Frantically Throwing Whatever They Could Find At Him
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the ...
Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens
KANSAS CITY, MO—Local man Dustin Barnes, 33, who reportedly just purchased a colorful feathered Mayan headdress and four crates packed with corn announced Friday ...
Top Movies Of 2012
Men In Black 3: The third installment in the popular franchise answers the question “What would happen if there was a third Men In Black ...
Top TV Shows Of 2012
The Big Bang Theory: This sitcom about a group of scientist friends earned strong ratings as Americans were way too lazy to change the channel ...
Top Movies Of 2012
Men In Black 3: The third installment in the popular franchise answers the question “What would happen if there was a third Men In Black ...
Top Books Of 2012
Smolder by Stephenie Meyer: Meyer reprises her Twilight-series success with this book: 283 pages of variations on the phrase “smoldering vampire eyes” Proof Of ...
Redskins Playoff Hopes Listed As Questionable
WASHINGTON—Following further testing this week, the Washington Redskins announced Wednesday that their playoff hopes were still officially listed as questionable.
Joe Flacco Excited To Work Under Man Who Was Coached By Peyton Manning
BALTIMORE—Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco told reporters Wednesday he was excited to work with new offensive coordinator Jim Caldwell, expressing enthusiasm about learning as much ...
Mike D'Antoni Drawing Up Plays To Get Lakers To Like Him
LOS ANGELES—Sources within the Lakers organization confirmed Friday that recently hired head coach Mike D’Antoni has been drawing up plays in a clear ...
Casual Fan Ready To Introduce NFL To His Parents
HAZEL PARK, MI—Claiming that this season has been pretty entertaining, casual football fan Reggie Butler, 29, told reporters Sunday that he was ready to ...
People With Children Live Longer
According to a study by Danish researchers, men and women who do not have children are at increased risk of dying early when compared to ...
2012 In Politics
This year saw the Supreme Court upholding the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Barack Obama winning reelection, and the nation threatening to go over ...
2012 In The Economy
Economic indicators improved marginally during the year, with the unemployment rate falling slightly and housing prices finally starting to rebound, but the recovery from the ...
2012 In International News
This year witnessed ongoing bloodshed in Syria, massive blackouts that cut power to more than half a billion in India, and the 60th anniversary of ...
2012 In Entertainment
This year the TV show Homeland earned critical praise, Canadian pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen dominated the airwaves, and The Avengers became the third-highest-grossing movie ...
2012 In Technology
The debut of the iPhone 5, the landing of NASA’s Curiosity rover on the surface of Mars, and the discovery of what is likely ...
Year In Review: 2012
A completely thorough 8,784 hour-long summation of 2012
NHL Cancels All Games Through End Of Millennium
NHL Cancels All Games Through End Of Millennium
GOP: We'll Accept Higher Taxes If President Obama Gives Us His Dog
Republicans have proposed a new debt deal that includes higher taxes on the wealthiest 2% on the condition that Obama hands over his daughters' dog.
Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu
Fans of the Denny's Hobbit-themed menu can't wait to see their favorite breakfast items on the big screen.
In Wake Of Tragedy, Americans Demand Reform Of Everything, Anything
After yet another violent attack, the nation has come together to demand crucial reforms of gun laws, mental health care, school security, or literally anything ...
New iPhone Geared Towards College-Aged Girls Comes With Pre-Shattered Screen
Created for young women, Apple's new iPhone includes an innovative spiderweb-cracked screen.
SNL Hosting Gig Caps Breakout Year For Navy's SEAL Team Six
As part of a promotional push for "Zero Dark Thirty", the elite squad of tactical commandos showed off their comedy chops during a ratings-bursting episode ...
Mayan Word For 'Apocalypse' Actually Translates More Accurately As 'Time Of Pale Obese Gun Monsters'
Newly revealed Mayan tablets discredit apocalypse theories but seem to predict a mindless society based on guns, football, and gluttony.
The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012
Greg Ogletree: The Man Inside The Mars Rover NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year ...


































