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New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show

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Issue 4901

The View

ABC 11 a.m. EST/12 p.m. CST The ladies recount their first murders.

Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud

A routine conference of medical professionals turned unexpectedly dramatic Thursday night as Dr. Richard Kimble, eminent vascular surgeon and subject of an intense local manhunt, disrupted the downtown Chicago event to accuse a colleague, and by extension...

Pet Dog Almost Like Disgusting Family Member

JACKSON, MS—Sources within the Tibbett household told reporters Thursday that their pet dog, Digby, is so much a part of their lives that they treat him like a filthy, foul-smelling member of the family.

Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day

KANSAS CITY, MO—Unbeknownst to one another, every single member of the office staff at Kelleher Advertising Associates is planning to carry out a workplace shooting spree next Monday, reporters learned this week. According to their independently for...

Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites

SEATTLE—Foster mom Ellen Kovach told reporters Thursday she doesn’t play least favorites, claiming that each of the minors placed in her home is provided with an equal amount of deep, seething animosity. “They’re all my least favor...

Asshole From Plane Greeted At Baggage Claim By Whole Family

ATLANTA—Following their arrival at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport Friday, passengers from flight 3852 confirmed that the loud, obnoxious prick who had been seated in row 12 was warmly greeted and embraced by his whole family at the termi...
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New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show

Opening next week in Detroit, the annual North American International Auto Show will once again introduce the world to a variety of new cars. Here are some of the models that will be showcased at this year’s expo:

  • Lincoln Town Car: Trunk comes already loaded with dead snitch
  • Toyota Prius Breeze: Toyota’s next generation Prius features a 120-foot-tall roof-mounted turbine to help power its hybrid gas-wind engine
  • Nissan Quest: There are all kinds of ways we could try to spin this, but let’s level with each other: It’s a minivan
  • Ford Masoch bondage car: Comes with full leather interiors and exteriors, multiple studded seat belts, driving mask, and child safety locks on all four doors
  • Honda Accord: Includes a new voice-activated response system that assures the driver he or she made a reasonable choice at a decent price
  • Buick Charity: Comes with NPR car donation form in glove compartment
  • Toyota Highlander: New model will hunt down every other Toyota Highlander
  • Chrysler Duchamp conceptual concept car: 2 feet of PVC pipe with the word “Sedan” written on it placed atop a white display pedestal

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