NEW YORK—Wall Street narrowly dodged a devastating blow to its reputation Wednesday as insurance giant American International Group seriously considered suing the federal government ...
HOUSTON—Describing his second heart failure in the span of two years as “a real wake up call,” obese 6-year-old Nicholas Bleyer announced Tuesday that ...
SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after ...
NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the ...
CLEVELAND—Saying that while he “wasn’t really in the mood” to gun down a group of random strangers at the moment, mentally ill man ...
EUGENE, OR—Arriving back at work after a two-week winter vacation, local marketing assistant Matthew Bueso told reporters Monday he was happy to return to ...
JERUSALEM—Top-ranking government officials in Jerusalem confirmed Tuesday that Israel would exercise its longstanding, constitutionally granted veto power over American policy if U.S.
CENTENNIAL, CO—Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now ...
COLUMBUS, OH—Thryssskmsss, a 2-year-old barn funnel weaver spider, confided to friends Wednesday that she isn’t sure she’s ready for 3,000 children ...
NEW WASHINGTON—Marveling at how dire things seemed in the relatively stable days of 12 years ago, Alan Gibson, 41, a local man of the ...
WASHINGTON—According to White House officials, Air Force One pilot Col. Scott Turner invited an excited President Obama into the cockpit Thursday, allowing the head ...
LOS ANGELES—Film actor and director Ben Affleck was recognized today for his work as an outstanding bud with a nomination for Best Friend of ...
HOLLYWOOD—The race toward the 85th Academy Awards heated up today as Silver Linings Playbook star Bradley Cooper racked up an astonishing one Oscar nominations.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Applebee’s announced Friday that all 2,000 of its locations will soon offer a menu of every-other-weekend specials created especially for ...
NEWTOWN, CT—As the nation continues to mourn the women and children who lost their lives in last month’s shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary ...
AURORA, IL—The contentious debate on gun control will continue unresolved after local woman Theresa Delacroix opted Friday not to post an anti-gun message on ...
LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply ...
VAN NUYS, CA—A study released this week by the San Fernando Valley Institute for Adults-Only Research indicates that a staggering 96 percent of U ...
NEW YORK—Sources at Columbia University Medical Center reported Sunday that cardiac surgeon Dr.
Aries Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions. Taurus Don't ...
SAN JOSE, CA—Years of intense training and tremendous sacrifice have led gymnast Denise Volker to this sparsely attended moment.
BROOKLYN, NY—Tara Jenkins can't believe she never thought of putting on a hat with this outfit.
BRANDON, SD—Karina Stetson, 6, slowed down her Mississippis upon request.
$74.96 (+$0.32) (+0.43%) Confidence in the company was boosted by the fact that it makes big airplanes, which is pretty awesome.
By Horace E. Langdon, Pilot of the Old Henrietta
DENVER—As the Ravens prepare to face the Broncos in Sunday’s AFC divisional playoff game, reports from both cities confirmed Friday that the matchup ...
ASHBURN, VA—Redskins coach Mike Shanahan announced Tuesday that quarterback Robert Griffin III will undergo further medical tests assessing the condition of the unrecognizable, ragged ...
BALTIMORE—In preparation for the highly anticipated AFC playoff game with the Denver Broncos, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco announced Thursday that he is already working ...
MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in ...
The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.
Following the termination of its space shuttle program, NASA is seeking to sell or lease many of its facilities in Cape Canaveral, FL, including hangars ...
In a surprise online release on his 66th birthday, innovative British musician David Bowie made public his first new song in almost a decade today ...
Using data from NASA’s Kepler spacecraft, two independent teams of astronomers have estimated that the Milky Way galaxy contains some 17 billion planets that ...
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2012 was the hottest year ever recorded in the nation’s lower 48 states, a full degree ...
A White House task force headed by Vice President Joe Biden is meeting today with a top representative of the National Rifle Association to discuss ...
The Steven Spielberg film Lincoln led the pack this year with 12 Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Actor for Daniel ...
With cities reporting as many as 10 times the number of cases as last year and a dwindling numbers of hospital beds, authorities have warned ...
Alabama routed Notre Dame 42-14 to win the BCS championship Monday night, giving Nick Saban’s Crimson Tide its second straight national title and third ...
Dear The Onion,
Your story about the chimp mauling the owner who raised it would have been better if they just hugged at the end ...
Dear The Onion, You haven’t mentioned the airline TWA in a while. Is everything okay with them? Pauline Spiller, Texarkana, TX
AIG blows all the goodwill built up by Wall Street in recent years, a mother that forgot to pay a 29-year-old's phone bill is ...
Elliott Tapparo didn’t get into a fight at Riley’s Tavern last night, even though he really could have used the attention.
Kent Sulak, 47, tethered a large wooden paddle to the men’s room key so no one would walk off with it again.
Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
ABC Family
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
America’s backseat drivers see if they can do better.
Discovery 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST In this week’s special episode based on Death Of A Salesman, the gang tests how ...
National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they ...
Mike Shanahan Clears RG III To Help Carry Furniture Down Some Icy Steps
Area Man Can't Understand Fellow Citizens Who Don’t Vote In SportsNation Polls
Aaron Rodgers Unsure If Media Aware 49ers Are His Hometown Team, Passed Him Up In Draft
Pitiful Man Frantically Urging Coworkers To Join NHL Fantasy League
After discovering his mother had failed to pay his phone bill from last month, local resident Cormac Flannigan, 29, reminded her Tuesday to “try to ...
Calling his college experience “the greatest four years of [his] life,” 27-year-old University of Miami alumnus Mark Felder maintains a startling level of pride in ...
According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine’s male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male test subjects ...
BROOKLYN, NY—After discovering his mother had failed to pay his phone bill from last month, local resident Cormac Flannigan, 29, reminded her Tuesday to ...
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Calling his college experience “the greatest four years of [his] life,” 27-year-old University of Miami alumnus Mark Felder maintains a startling level of ...
NEW YORK—According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine’s male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male ...
The American Psychiatric Association is warning that with prices this low, the nation's used car salesmen must be out of their minds.
Russell Crowe is generating Oscar buzz for his 'Les Mis' performance as a man who is a much worse singer than all the people around ...
