Issue 4902

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.

Only Difficult Pistachios Left In Bag

AIG blows all the goodwill built up by Wall Street in recent years, a mother that forgot to pay a 29-year-old's phone bill is reminded to be careful about that, and a career spider is unsure if she's ready for 3,000 kids at this point.


Discovery 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST In this week’s special episode based on Death Of A Salesman, the gang tests how easily a man’s spirit can be broken.

Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack

SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla...

Air Force One Pilot Invites Excited Obama Into Cockpit

WASHINGTON—According to White House officials, Air Force One pilot Col. Scott Turner invited an excited President Obama into the cockpit Thursday, allowing the head of state to increase the throttle and place his hands on the custom-built 747’...

Kent Sulak

Kent Sulak, 47, tethered a large wooden paddle to the men’s room key so no one would walk off with it again.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 9, 2013

Aries Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions. Taurus Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole,...

Elliott Tapparo

Elliott Tapparo didn’t get into a fight at Riley’s Tavern last night, even though he really could have used the attention.

Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes

CENTENNIAL, CO—Following her split this week with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Taylor Swift has moved on and is now dating mass murder suspect James Holmes.
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  • More News

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn his ACL again and will undergo reconstructive knee surgery later this week. “It worked last year on the left knee, so I’m trying the other one this year,” said Peterson, whose intense dedication to offseason recovery has earned him the reputation of “rehab rat” among his teammates. “It’s hard to get over that playoff loss, but immediately after, I got right back to work and tore my ACL. If I was just eight yards short of the record last year, I’m thinking that rupturing my LCL and PCL this offseason should put me over the top.” Peterson, who confirmed that he had found the best postseason regimen to stay on top of his game, announced plans for a new football camp where the Pro Bowl running back will show young players the best way to damage their knees by hacking away at their ligaments with scissors.


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