'We Just Want To Visit Websites And Look At Them,' Users Say
SAN FRANCISCO—Tired of being bombarded with constant requests to share content on social media, bestow ratings, leave comments, and generally “join in on the ...
LINCOLN, NE—Though it has been at least five years since he outgrew the reckless behavior of his youth and finally got his life together ...
UNITED STATES—Uh-oh, according to alarmed sources across the nation, a picture of a crying woman appeared on the front page of a national newspaper ...
CORAL GABLES, FL—Noting that he had already purchased the song for his wind-up Victrola seven decades ago, extremely hip 90-year-old Emmet McInerny insisted Monday ...
ROCKVILLE, MD—A visibly emotional, panic-stricken sub-strain of the H1N1 influenza A virus expressed deep shock and regret this morning, telling reporters it never meant ...
OSSINING, NY—After actually admitting to other human beings that she spent the previous night watching the entirety of the Golden Globe Awards on television ...
ROME—Facing widespread criticism over his alleged sexual relationship with an underaged exotic dancer during his tenure as prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi on Tuesday assured ...
DUNN, NC—After being asked to speak about his experience fighting in the war in Afghanistan on Tuesday, U.S. Army veteran Jackson Richards solemnly ...
WASHINGTON—A new report from the U.S. Small Business Administration reveals that being consumed by flames poses an even greater risk to small companies ...
HARRISBURG, PA—Police confirmed Wednesday that four homeless people have died in the midst of a recent onset of sub-freezing temperatures reportedly referred to by ...
NEW YORK—Local pedestrians told reporters Thursday morning they were unable to discern whether the agitated, uniform-clad woman smoking a cigarette on a city sidewalk ...
COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—More than three weeks after the beloved 90-year-old actor’s passing, the nation was surprised to find itself still mired in a ...
MINNEAPOLIS—Following the death of 94-year-old “Dear Abby” columnist Pauline Phillips, the nation reportedly plunged into complete and utter moral chaos today, with thousands of ...
FAIRFAX, VA—In what sources said was most likely an attempt to prove some kind of point about something, a harpoon-wielding Wayne LaPierre went on ...
A number of pundits have suggested the U.S. Treasury mint $1 trillion coins made of platinum to pay the country’s bills.
Aries Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
Taurus The ...
LAKEWOOD, CO—Bob Kenney, 46, made sure his apology was way more insulting than his original comment.
$22.17 (+$1.09) (+5.17%) Shares in the online restaurant guide rose after the company aided users in their review process by listing the ...
ATLANTA—Following the Seahawks' playoff loss to the Falcons, Seattle wide receiver Golden Tate reportedly insisted Sunday that he caught Russell Wilson’s 48-yard desperation ...
AUSTIN, TX—Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong kicked off a campaign to restore his image Monday by admitting in a television interview with Oprah Winfrey that ...
HOUSTON—Following his team’s loss to the New England Patriots last weekend, Houston Texans coach Gary Kubiak reportedly gathered players and staff to congratulate ...
FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a shocking reversal of behavior, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly adopted a half-dozen dogs from a local humane society Friday, saving ...
FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society ...
CHICAGO—A coalition of concerned NFL mothers held a press conference Friday, expressing their fears about the growing risk of binge drinking that occurs beneath ...
MEQUON, WI—In anticipation of Sunday’s conference championship games, retired college coach Jack Harbaugh told reporters that he is rooting for Tom Brady to ...
The Falcons host the 49ers in the NFC Championship and are reminding players not to openly masturbate during the national anthem.
The Ravens battle the Patriots in the AFC Championship game, which will be won or lost in the trenches that the Gillette Stadium grounds crew ...
A new study has found a link between clinical depression and the frequent consumption of sweetened fruit drinks, soft drinks, and iced tea, with diet ...
The political thriller Argo, directed by Ben Affleck and based on a chapter in the 1979 Iran hostage crisis, took home the Golden Globe for ...
In an effort to control the Everglades’ population of invasive Burmese Pythons, which can grow to 20 feet long, Florida officials opened a month-long hunting ...
New York state lawmakers passed a bill today tightening restrictions on the sale of assault weapons, forcing current owners of such guns to register them ...
Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, who hadn’t said anything from the bench since February 2006, was recorded uttering the barely decipherable words “Well, he ...
Positioning itself as a potential rival to LinkedIn and online dating sites, Facebook introduced its new Graph Search yesterday, a feature that allows users to ...
Coca-Cola debuted a two-minute TV commercial this week that highlights the company’s line of low-calorie beverages, touts its commitment to provide sugar-free drink options ...
President Obama vowed yesterday to introduce legislation that would require background checks for all gun buyers, ban assault weapons, and limit magazines to 10 rounds ...
Following reports that Boeing 787 aircraft have suffered fuel leaks, battery fires, and a cracked windshield, the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all the Dreamliners in ...
A new study found that transplanting feces from a healthy person, typically a relative, into the colon of someone suffering diarrhea due to an infection ...
Deadspin reported Wednesday that Lennay Kekua, the girlfriend of celebrated Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o who was said to have died of leukemia and ...
A report finds that most small businesses failed in the first 6 hours of being on fire, the Osama bin Laden foundation awards fellowships to ...
Love matters. The Onion regrets the error.
Come explore the world’s only theme park dedicated to fun with land! Ride the Topsoil Coaster, make your own map, and learn how many ...
Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon ...
Rob Ryan Hopes To Do For Rams What He Did For Cowboys, Browns, Raiders
Alex Smith Looking To Be Traded To Team Where His Talents Will Be Over-Appreciated
Danny Woodhead Shrinks Three Sizes After Patriots Forget Running Back In Dryer
Seven Lucky Oprah Guests Find Tour De France Titles Under Their Chairs
Joe Flacco Hoping To Continue Winning Formula Of Throwing Fluke Touchdown Passes At End Of Games
Local Mom Wants Joe Buck To Shut His Fucking Mouth
'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson
Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a ...
Representatives of the Osama bin Laden Foundation announced Tuesday the winners of the 2013 Mohamed Atta Fellowship, an annually awarded scholarship and stipend that is ...
Citing various family emergencies, last-minute weddings, and impromptu hometown gatherings, the roommate of Indiana University freshman Lawrence Plotnick has had an excuse to go home ...
'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson
NEW YORK—Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had ...
ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN—Representatives of the Osama bin Laden Foundation announced Tuesday the winners of the 2013 Mohamed Atta Fellowship, an annually awarded scholarship and stipend ...
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Citing various family emergencies, last-minute weddings, and impromptu hometown gatherings, the roommate of Indiana University freshman Lawrence Plotnick has had an excuse to ...
A new study finds that many American students do not realize that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen or heard.
After sort of, maybe coming out during her Golden Globes speech, Jodie Foster is inspiring LGBT youth to honor their true selves in the form ...
The NRA says a proposal to ban gun sales to anyone in the middle of a killing spree is a gross violation of the Second ...
With his 'golden boy' image tarnished, Lance Armstrong has returned to cycling as radical bad boy 'Killstrong.'
