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Issue 4903

Bowling!

Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9!

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight...

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Internet Users Demand Less Interactivity

'We Just Want To Visit Websites And Look At Them,' Users Say

SAN FRANCISCO—Tired of being bombarded with constant requests to share content on social media, bestow ratings, leave comments, and generally “join in on the discussion,” the nation’s Internet users demanded substantially less inte...

Land Land

Come explore the world’s only theme park dedicated to fun with land! Ride the Topsoil Coaster, make your own map, and learn how many pounds of seed you’ll need per acre!

Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 15, 2013

Aries Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money. Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes y...
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