FOX CHAPEL, PA—A mass-market paperback edition of The Scarlet Letter confirmed Wednesday that it simply could not believe the misguided and often completely erroneous ...

WASHINGTON—Calling it a “major-ass haul” that would provide “some much-needed scratch,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly scored over 800 feet of copper wire from ...

In this age of global tumult and unrest, it is of the very utmost importance that our government officials are straightforward, candid, honorable individuals who ...

NEW YORK—Saying he likes to think of himself as “more than just a stuffy businessman in a suit,” Wyatt Media Group CEO Barney Washburn ...

WASHINGTON—A team of geneticists in Boston earned a stern rebuke from the scientific community this week when, despite the lessons learned from the 1996 ...

PORTLAND, OR—After willfully ignoring thousands of other options, reading a synopsis of the film’s plot, and making a conscious decision to pay $3 ...

NAPERVILLE, IL—Sources confirmed Friday that what appeared to be a casual, friendly round of after-work drinks organized by 34-year-old Michael Boykins with acquaintance Dave ...

WASHINGTON—As President Barack Obama recited the inaugural oath that will formally commence his second presidential term, onlookers confirmed Monday that Vice President Joe Biden ...

WASHINGTON—Taking the oath of office for his second term today, President Barack Obama joined thousands of supporters in the nation’s capital for traditional ...

WASHINGTON—With hundreds of thousands of onlookers assembled on the National Mall to celebrate Monday's inauguration, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney reportedly rushed out ...

WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the Pew Research Center, the number of reforms to U.S. law that could conceivably pass both houses ...

DENVER—Living room sources reported Monday that Rebecca, a friend of Mom’s from work, has no friends or any relatives nearby and could benefit ...

CHICAGO—Saying that he’s always up for having more mucus congesting every part of his respiratory system, local man Michael Harrison told reporters this ...

WASHINGTON—Shielding her eyes from the harsh light as she shuffled into her kitchen Tuesday morning, a visibly hungover Michelle Obama reportedly readied her daughter ...

CAMP BASTION, AFGHANISTAN—Completing his four-month tour of duty in Afghanistan, Prince Harry of Wales admitted in interviews this week to having killed a number ...

PORTLAND, ME—Friends of area man Nick Overbeck confirmed today that the 26-year-old’s mother has been absolutely ripping it up on Facebook over the ...

SAN FRANCISCO—A local 22-year-old has obtained a job at a website, sources confirmed Wednesday.

WASHINGTON—Female veterans and feminist activist groups are commending the Pentagon this week following a watershed policy change that will lift the ban on women ...

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In a provocative and defiant pronouncement aimed at the United States and the U.N., North Korean officials announced Thursday that the ...

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Setting up barricades and unloading emergency food supplies today as they readied for what may perhaps be the single most commercially successful film ...

NEW YORK—Wasting no time in making the necessary introductions upon his return from the clothing store Wednesday, eccentric man Oliver Roberts promptly entered his ...

ORLANDO, FL—A lengthy succession of grievous and utterly miscalculated errors resulted in the 5th anniversary of local couple Jeff and Kim Cuthbert’s wedding ...

NEW YORK—Following reports that J.J. Abrams will be directing the forthcoming Star Wars: Episode VII, sources confirmed today that millions of actual human ...

WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had ...

Barack Obama was sworn in for a second term as president of the United States Monday, amid a day of pomp, parades, and performances in ...

Aries You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will ...

$42.64 (-$2.28) (-5.08%) Shares in the Italian chain restaurant fell after a waiter failed to keep those breadsticks coming.

NEW YORK—With the NHL season set to finally begin after a prolonged labor dispute, sources confirmed Friday that the league’s return has reignited ...

ATLANTA—Following their disappointing 28-24 defeat to the 49ers in the NFC Championship Game, members of the Atlanta Falcons confirmed Tuesday that the team is ...

NEW YORK—Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o admitted Thursday that he was one of several people duped by an elaborate hoax involving the death ...

NEW YORK—For the first time in its nine-year history, Animal Planet’s annual Puppy Bowl will feature a coaching matchup between puppies from the ...

BRISTOL, CT—In part of the network’s buildup to the much-anticipated “HarBowl,” ESPN is showing viewers exclusively obtained home footage of Jim and John ...

KANSAS CITY—Responding to news that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s girlfriend had been invented as part of an elaborate hoax, Chiefs quarterback ...

NEW YORK—Sports Illustrated’s Peter King published his lengthy preview of Super Bowl XLVII Sunday, drawing particular attention from readers in large part due ...

Anthony Davis Growing Out Second Eyebrow

While Barack Obama officially took the presidential oath of office yesterday in a private ceremony, a public swearing in will occur on the Capitol steps ...

The U.S. operations of the pioneering video game company Atari, famed for creating such classics as Asteroids, Missile Command, and Pong, filed for chapter ...

The Transportation Security Administration will remove all backscatter scanners from U.S. airports following years of complaints from air passengers and privacy rights organizations about ...

President Barack Obama surprised many in his inaugural address yesterday by singling out the threat of global warming and vowing to make the fight against ...

A new report posits that the collision of two black holes or neutron stars may have produced a gamma ray burst that hit Earth in ...

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton testified before Congress today about last year’s attack on the U.S.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced today the removal of a 1994 Pentagon rule that banned women from officially serving on the front lines.

In what is being hailed as a major victory for transgender activists, the Himalayan nation of Nepal began issuing citizenship certificates that allow the holder ...

 McDonald’s announced the upcoming launch of Fish McBites, roughly McNugget-sized fried fish pieces that are made from the same substance as the company’s ...

In response to recently imposed U.N. sanctions, North Korea vowed to conduct its third test of a nuclear weapon, warning of confrontation with its ...

Dear The Onion, By the time I read any one of your articles, those events have already happened. What gives? Annette Brewer, Perrysburg, OH

NASA continues its search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, Prince Harry announces that he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty ...

Jefferson High School’s JV volleyball team will be holding a bake sale to raise money for their upcoming trip to New York, not that ...

Street cleaning on Lafayette Ave. will begin on Monday and continue for six days to give that filthy sucker a thorough scrubbing.

For all those interested in Tami Macon’s newly developed B-cups, a viewing has been scheduled for 5 p.m.

Falcons Confirm Matt Ryan Suffered Grade 2 Choke

Duke Returns To Number One In 'March Madness Hasn't Started Yet So Who Gives A Shit' Rankings

Retiring Tony Gonzalez Thanks Kansas City Chiefs, Atlanta Falcons For Absolutely Nothing

Alex Smith Asks 49ers If Attending Super Bowl Really Mandatory

 Buzzfeed Sports To Focus On Fun, Lighter Side Of Other People's Sports Coverage

2013 Pro Bowl To Allow Fans To Text Audibles Right To Quarterback

Nearly four years after launching its Kepler space telescope to search for worlds outside our solar system, NASA officials confirmed Tuesday they had yet to ...

The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary guidelines ...

A frustrated group of students at Dunne High School on Chicago’s South Side told reporters Thursday that they are running out of ideas to ...

HOUSTON—Nearly four years after launching its Kepler space telescope to search for worlds outside our solar system, NASA officials confirmed Tuesday they had yet ...

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary ...

CHICAGO—A frustrated group of students at Dunne High School on Chicago’s South Side told reporters Thursday that they are running out of ideas ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Shadow’s Watch Louis Murphy (Penguin, $29.95) The sequel to Winter ...

After falling for an Internet romance hoax, linebacker Manti Te'o has finally found love with an amazing women who looks like two famous actresses ...

Completing their decade-long project, the Huffington Post has finally released their exhaustive database of every person who has ever been remotely famous for any reason.