The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 4, 2013

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Issue 4905

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl “I’m so pumped up! I can...

Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.

Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow Of Rodent He Once Was

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul, and saw but a mere pathetic shadow of the rodent he once was...

Local Burger Feels Especially Disgusting Today

The Department of the Interior is bilked out of $18 million by a con-gopher, a paranoid Syrian man thinks the government is out to get him, and a teenage girl is blossoming into a beautiful object.

Anquan Boldin

RAVENS Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you need to borrow shampoo or cologne; Gets separation from speedy defensive backs by running very slowly; Ca...

Joe Flacco

RAVENS Strength: Teammates; Complete lack of control of arm strength and accuracy make conditions for lucky throws perfect; Does pretty hilarious impression of a quarterback Weakness: Tends to trick self with fake handoffs; Compulsive need ...

Ed Reed

RAVENS Strength: One of last few remaining ball hawks in United States; Highly prepared player who constantly studies film to memorize an opposing team’s color schemes; Lures quarterbacks into throwing interceptions by loudly shouting, ...

Ray Lewis

RAVENS Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls or witness stands; No problem wrapping up big backs, bringing them to the gr...

John Harbaugh

RAVENS Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness and his mother’s ability not to whine and tantrum and thro...

Aldon Smith

49ERS Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams and Cardinals offensive lines Weakness: Tackling license expired months ago; Only concerned with sack...

Patrick Willis

49ERS Strength: Considered a very good football player, which is expected to help at the Super Bowl; Inside linebacker position makes him privy to all the latest linebacking information before anyone else Weakness: Always lets out a long si...

Michael Crabtree

49ERS Strength: Great height, solid width, spectacular volume, and better-than-average circumference; Always maintains composure after a big drop; Only needs to try for one more year before huge contract Weakness: Often gets lost ...

Colin Kaepernick

49ERS Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability to take advantage of someone being injured and steal their career Weakness: Tall, b...

Jim Harbaugh

49ERS Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer; One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking quarterbacks, picking other quarterbacks Strategy: Always scripts first 15 outbursts o...

Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII

Onion Sports provides in-depth analysis of X people involved with Super Bowl XLVII: Begin the guide now: Jim Harbaugh More: Find complete Super Bowl coverage here. Follow @OnionSports on Twitter for tweets throughout the Super Bowl.

Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man

SEATTLE—In just the latest of his bumbling misadventures, dimwitted Andy Griffith Show actor Jim Nabors, 82, reportedly found out today that he goofed up again after inadvertently marrying another man in a Seattle ceremony.

Jet Age Fixer-Upper

This charming, vacant airport terminal harkens back to a simpler, more futuristic time. Believed to have been designed by some high-minded architect, this mid-century dazzler has experienced water damage and hasn’t been able to rotate since 1977.


Could you please just buy this house? I am so tired of trying to sell it, you have no idea. Just purchase it now, and you can move out as soon as your check clears, I swear.

Parents Finally Tell 2-Year-Old About 9/11

MIAMI—Having long shielded him from discussion and depictions of the traumatic event, local couple Brad and Jeannine Musgrave told reporters Friday that the moment had come to tell their 2-year-old son Connor about the terrorist attacks of September...

Bo Obama Receives Visiting Dognitaries From Furuguay

WOOFINGTON, D.C.—Aiming to strengthen yiplomatic relations with the nation of Furuguay, Bo Obama welcomed a visiting doglegation from the overseas country to the White House Thursday for talks on a wide range of vital rufforms. The historic meeting...

Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy

CRANBERRY, PA—According to family sources, siblings Kara and Ross Delp spoke briefly on the phone Tuesday in an effort to please their mother and fulfill her request that they maintain a relationship.

The Deck Boys

HGTV 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST A rainy day can’t stop the Deck Boys, who proceed to install a deck on the back of the Robinsons’ home.

Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object

ARLINGTON, TX—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Ashley Parker was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous object. According to Parker’s relatives, in the span ...

Women's Increasing Role In Combat

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced last week that the U.S. armed forces would lift a regulation that barred women from serving in official combat roles on the front lines.
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Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.