WOOFINGTON, D.C.—Aiming to strengthen yiplomatic relations with the nation of Furuguay, Bo Obama welcomed a visiting doglegation from the overseas country to the ...

RICHMOND, VA—As the Obama Administration signaled its determination to pass through extensive gun control reforms, a local AR-15 assault rifle told reporters Wednesday that ...

PYONGYANG—Jubilation sounded far and wide in the North Korean capital today as upwards of 100,000 cheering citizens proudly thronged Kim Il-sung Square to ...

THE HEAVENS—Sources close to God reported Thursday that the Creator of the Universe and Author of Our Eternal Salvation suffered a crippling bout of ...

In the wake of a four-month cyber-assault by Chinese hackers on the New York Times, during which multiple high-level Times reporters’ passwords were stolen using ...

LOS ANGELES—Following reports of singer Chris Brown's recent involvement in a vicious brawl over a parking space, Americans admitted Monday they would not ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Clad in his pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and floppy nightcap, mustachioed 1930s comedian Max Ruckle announced Sunday night that he had finally gotten the ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Celebrity personality Jessica Simpson manually extracted her second-trimester fetus today and posed for photos as part of an exclusive prenatal photoshoot with US ...

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood announced his resignation from the Obama Administration earlier this morning following his alleged involvement in the recent disappearance of ...

CHICAGO—Having tallied a “very promising” 41 murders so far in 2013, police officials confirmed Tuesday that the annual Chicago Homicide Drive was off to ...

CUPERTINO, CA—In what tech giant Apple is calling a “major leap forward” for one of its most beloved products, the company announced Tuesday it ...

DAMASCUS—Describing an extensive conspiracy that supposedly reaches the highest corridors of power, a paranoid Syrian man told reporters Tuesday he believes the government is ...

CRANBERRY, PA—According to family sources, siblings Kara and Ross Delp spoke briefly on the phone Tuesday in an effort to please their mother and ...

MIAMI—Having long shielded him from discussion and depictions of the traumatic event, local couple Brad and Jeannine Musgrave told reporters Friday that the moment ...

AUSTIN, TX—Area product manager Wayne Landgraf, 26, reportedly brought his visiting parents to his workplace at the Vasquez Group earlier this morning, taking the ...

SEATTLE—In just the latest of his bumbling misadventures, dimwitted Andy Griffith Show actor Jim Nabors, 82, reportedly found out today that he goofed up ...

TACOMA, WA—Area high school student Josh Fairbanks, 16, confirmed Thursday that the vague, creepy one-word text message he just received from his mother could ...

LOS ANGELES—Longtime fans of Entourage expressed uncertainty Thursday following reports that the classic tale of ambition and fraternity will be adapted to the silver ...

NEW YORK—After noticing a fellow passenger reading his critically acclaimed 2001 novel The Corrections on an uptown-bound 1 train, sources reported author Jonathan Franzen ...

HOUSTON—According to reports from across the nation, all 315 million residents of the United States exhaled in relief and expressed a contented sense of ...

HERNDON, VA—After officially ending her tenure as Secretary of State on Friday, Hillary Clinton wasted no time in moving on to the next stage ...

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Following a long day of work and domestic drudgery, local husband and wife Gene and Brenda Nussbaum are reportedly going at it like ...

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul ...

BURLINGTON, VT—Citing a lifetime of deep commitment to the creative process, profoundly untalented painter Todd Reese told reporters Saturday that his newest mixed-media piece ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood ...

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced last week that the U.S. armed forces would lift a regulation that barred women from serving in official combat ...

$3.14 (+$0.50) (+18.94%) Share prices rose sharply when the owner brought his dog in.

By Evan Burgess

Onion Sports provides in-depth analysis of X people involved with Super Bowl XLVII: Begin the guide now: Jim Harbaugh More: Find complete Super Bowl coverage ...

49ERS Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer; One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking ...

49ERS Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability ...

49ERS Strength: Great height, solid width, spectacular volume, and better-than-average circumference; Always maintains composure after a big drop; Only needs to try for one more ...

49ERS Strength: Considered a very good football player, which is expected to help at the Super Bowl; Inside linebacker position makes him privy to all ...

49ERS Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams ...

RAVENS Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness ...

RAVENS Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls ...

RAVENS Strength: One of last few remaining ball hawks in United States; Highly prepared player who constantly studies film to memorize an opposing team’s ...

RAVENS Strength: Teammates; Complete lack of control of arm strength and accuracy make conditions for lucky throws perfect; Does pretty hilarious impression of a quarterback ...

RAVENS Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you ...

NEW ORLEANS—Tied up with their efforts to crack their most intriguing case yet, sources confirmed Sunday that the Harbaugh Boys missed the first half ...

WASHINGTON—Football fans across the nation were reportedly exhilarated this week, claiming that they were thrilled for the much-anticipated opportunity to finally see a Harbaugh ...

NEW ORLEANS—Ahead of the much-anticipated matchup between the Ravens and 49ers, sources confirmed Tuesday that players from both teams have been resting up for ...

MINNEAPOLIS—According to a report by Forbes magazine, the Minnesota Lynx are easily the WNBA’s richest franchise, boasting an estimated enterprise value of nearly ...

NEW ORLEANS—In a stunning revelation, doctors announced at a press conference Thursday that mandatory Super Bowl blood testing proved that head coaches Jim and ...

CHICAGO—Blasting the group’s “absolutely pathetic” first-half snacking effort, Super Bowl party host Glenn Warren reportedly flew into a wild rage Sunday, screaming at ...

NEW ORLEANS—After completing the final game of his career Sunday, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was openly crying on national television over what a ...

NEW ORLEANS—While announcing Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVII matchup between the Ravens and the 49ers, CBS sportscaster Phil Simms reportedly spent the majority of ...

Disney has selected J.J. Abrams, director of the recently rebooted Star Trek franchise and co-creator of the TV show Lost, to direct the upcoming ...

Launched Thursday, Twitter’s new video app called Vine, which allows users to upload and share up to six seconds of footage, has already drawn ...

Iranian officials announced yesterday they had launched a monkey into space and safely returned the animal to earth, asserting that the nation is now five ...

The classic Jane Austen novel Pride and Prejudice, which follows the courtship of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr.

The State Department official tasked with shutting the Guantánamo Bay detention facility has been assigned to another position and will not be replaced, signaling ...

The nation’s GDP contracted 0.1 percent over the final three months of 2012, surprising most economists and ending a string of three and ...

According to a new study, the nation’s population of domestic housecats and feral strays kills an estimated 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 ...

Former Arizona representative Gabrielle Giffords, who was shot in the head in 2011, delivered the opening remarks yesterday at a congressional hearing on gun violence ...

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will step down today after four years on the job and hand over the reins of U.S.

The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters’ passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to ...

The Department of the Interior is bilked out of $18 million by a con-gopher, a paranoid Syrian man thinks the government is out to get ...

Last Friday, you referred to Kung Fu Panda as a Pixar movie. It’s actually by DreamWorks.

Last week, The Onion forgot to send somebody to report on the growth of the big apple tree. There are no apples yet.

HGTV 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST A rainy day can’t stop the Deck Boys, who proceed to install a ...

Animal Planet 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST A man recounts his encounter with a grizzly bear and his subsequent meetings with television ...

Could you please just buy this house? I am so tired of trying to sell it, you have no idea. Just purchase it now, and ...

This charming, vacant airport terminal harkens back to a simpler, more futuristic time. Believed to have been designed by some high-minded architect, this mid-century dazzler ...

Juwan Howard Stocking Up On As Much Food As Possible During White House Visit

Poll: Roger Goodell Has 15 Percent Approval Rating Among Family, Friends

Interest From Heat, Cavaliers Causes Structural Damage To Greg Oden's Knees

Area Man To Stuff Few More Potato Chips Into Mouth Before Talking About Last Play

'Commercials Used To Be Better,' Reports Insightful Sage With Eyes Drunkenly Half Open On Couch

Report: 49ers, Ravens Only People In America Not Eating Chicken Wings Right Now

Harbaugh Parents: 'No Matter What Happens, We Will Always Love Our Daughter The Most'

JaMarcus Russell Terrier Shows Up To Puppy Bowl 30 Pounds Overweight

As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all of this ...

Officials from the Interior Department hastily assembled a press conference Thursday after the government agency was reportedly swindled out of an estimated $18 million by ...

In an astonishing coincidence of aligning personal interests, local 29-year-old Brad Holdtman reported last night that his 28-year-old blind date Pauline Geary is, just like ...

NEW YORK—As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all ...

WASHINGTON—Officials from the Interior Department hastily assembled a press conference Thursday after the government agency was reportedly swindled out of an estimated $18 million ...

NEW YORK—In an astonishing coincidence of aligning personal interests, local 29-year-old Brad Holdtman reported last night that his 28-year-old blind date Pauline Geary is ...

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For ...

Recently-crowned Miss America Mallory Hagan may lose her title after racy photographs, an embarrassing attempt at a singing career, and drug problems have been unearthed ...

The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a new report asking Americans to just do anything at all for Christ's sake for ...

The country starlet has dated a who's who of A-listers, but her new song seemingly insults the 16-year-old fan who won a 'Win A ...