Issue 4905

Jim Harbaugh

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
49ERS Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer; One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking ...

Colin Kaepernick

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
49ERS Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability ...

Michael Crabtree

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
49ERS Strength: Great height, solid width, spectacular volume, and better-than-average circumference; Always maintains composure after a big drop; Only needs to try for one more ...

Patrick Willis

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
49ERS Strength: Considered a very good football player, which is expected to help at the Super Bowl; Inside linebacker position makes him privy to all ...

Aldon Smith

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
49ERS Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams ...

John Harbaugh

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
RAVENS Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness ...

Ray Lewis

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
RAVENS Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls ...

Ed Reed

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
RAVENS Strength: One of last few remaining ball hawks in United States; Highly prepared player who constantly studies film to memorize an opposing team’s ...

Joe Flacco

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
RAVENS Strength: Teammates; Complete lack of control of arm strength and accuracy make conditions for lucky throws perfect; Does pretty hilarious impression of a quarterback ...

Anquan Boldin

Sports News ISSUE 49•05 Feb 1, 2013
RAVENS Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you ...

Please

Real Estate ISSUE 49•05 Jan 30, 2013
Could you please just buy this house? I am so tired of trying to sell it, you have no idea. Just purchase it now, and ...

Jet Age Fixer-Upper

Real Estate ISSUE 49•05 Jan 31, 2013
This charming, vacant airport terminal harkens back to a simpler, more futuristic time. Believed to have been designed by some high-minded architect, this mid-century dazzler ...