Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

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Issue 4906

Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance.

SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility.

Baseball's Biggest Offseason Moves

With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves. Arizona Diamondbacks: Managed to trade their most valuable assets for mini...

Jack Daniel's Starts Marketing Directly To Children

'Let's Just See How This Goes,' Says CEO

LYNCHBURG, TN—With new ads out this week that depict 8-year-olds pouring whiskey into colorful plastic cups of lemonade while relaxing on their playroom floors, popular beverage distiller Jack Daniel’s has launched its first media campaign aim...

Edwin Baines

Edwin Baines, 84, died in bed, but not before making a scary face that would frighten his wife Beth.

Hungover Energy Secretary Wakes Up Next To Solar Panel

WASHINGTON—Sources have reported that following a long night of carousing at a series of D.C. watering holes, Energy Secretary Steven Chu awoke Thursday morning to find himself sleeping next to a giant solar panel he had met the previous evening.

PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of protecting the nation’s global image, marketers at the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton Strategies, Inc. reportedly met with White House officials on Monday ...

Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility

BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the family’s 8-year-old son, Toby, about patience and responsibility. The ill-fated, 6-...

Lindsay Morgan

Lindsay Morgan, 20, literally died when she saw how fugly she looked in her new catering job’s mandatory white-on-white uniform.

Ellen Van Handel

Ellen Van Handel, 77, passed away at home just like she always wanted, plus she couldn’t afford to die in the hospital.

Goodell: 'I'd Definitely Let My Son Ruin Football'

NEW YORK—In response to accusations that his policies are hurting the game of football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday that he would have no problem letting his own son ruin the sport.

5-Year-Old Alabama Boy Misses Fun 'Bunker Grandpa'

MIDLAND CITY, AL—Hours after an FBI raid freed him from the underground bunker where he had been held hostage for six days, 5-year-old Alabama boy Ethan told reporters that he already misses his fun, super-cool Bunker Grandpa.

Baltimore Looking For Safer City To Host Super Bowl Parade

UPDATE: Ravens Super Bowl Parade Marred By Floatjacking

BALTIMORE—Following the Ravens’ victory over the 49ers in Super Bowl XLVII, Baltimore officials confirmed Tuesday that they are currently seeking a safer, less crime-infested city to hold the team’s celebratory parade.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 5, 2013

Aries You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps. Taurus An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A...

China Chokes Under Toxic Smog

Beijing has struggled with record air pollution this year, which has blotted out the sun, grounded flights, and affected the health and quality of life of millions.

Ravens Win Best Team At 2013 Super Bowl Awards

NEW ORLEANS—In a star-studded gala hosted by James Brown, the Baltimore Ravens were honored for their distinctive achievement in the football industry Sunday, winning Best Team at the 2013 Super Bowl Awards.
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Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one:

  • Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed.
  • If you forgot to buy her flowers, just point at the closest tree and tell her you planted it for her years ago.
  • Greet him at the door wearing nothing but his dead wife’s clothes.
  • Don’t worry about spending too much—you can’t. No matter what, she’ll never be happy.
  • Make yourself look like a hero by abducting a pet from your prospective lover and returning it to them on Valentine’s Day. It probably won’t work like you imagined, but it’s worth a shot.
  • Todd can be a real dick, but what are you going to do, spend Valentine’s Day alone?
  • Don’t overdo it with the gifts, but don’t underdo it either. Or don’t do it at all. We really don’t care.
  • Purchase a lifetime AAA membership for your loved one and place the card near your genitals.
  • Don’t feel guilty about chaining the kids up outside if it’s only for this one night.