LIMA, OH—A wall-mounted soap dispenser in the men’s bathroom of Rigali’s Pizza Village reportedly startled local resident Sam Milsom on Monday night ...

BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the ...

IRVING, TX—As the organization considers lifting its national ban on gay members, the Boy Scouts of America announced today it would make its final ...

TULSA, OK—Saying that he has always perceived a “unique connection,” chronically depressed zookeeper Andrew Holcomb, 46, told reporters Wednesday that he shares a deep ...

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—Numerous sources confirmed today that it would not shock you in the slightest if this newspaper article was about 12 ...

WASHINGTON—Participating in a time-honored legislative ceremony that dates back centuries, the U.S.

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Hägar The Horrible cartoonist Chris Browne admitted Thursday that he was disappointed with the lack of attention his syndicated comic received ...

LEICESTER, ENGLAND—After authenticating a skeleton exhumed from a parking lot in Northern England as that of British monarch King Richard III, researchers at the ...

GLEN ROSE, TX—Tragedy struck on Saturday as famed former sniper Chris Kyle reportedly was shot and killed at a local gun range, marking a ...

NORFOLK, VA—Animal rights organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) blasted the American advertising industry this week for use of eerily realistic ...

MIDLAND CITY, AL—Hours after an FBI raid freed him from the underground bunker where he had been held hostage for six days, 5-year-old Alabama ...

ROUND ROCK, TX—The tech world reeled Tuesday on reports that personal computer powerhouse Dell had been acquired by competitor Gateway 2000 in a $24 ...

RICHMOND, VA—Speaking with reporters Tuesday, staff members of local Thai restaurant Lemongrass expressed their earnest hope that area couple Eric Barstow and Jennifer Dumont ...

LONDON—Following the House of Commons’ passage Tuesday of a bill that paves the way for same-sex marriage in Britain, Queen Elizabeth II publicly announced ...

WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R.

WASHINGTON—While speaking to the White House press corps Wednesday, President Barack Obama is reported to have completely blanked on which issue he was ineffectually ...

WASHINGTON—Sources have reported that following a long night of carousing at a series of D.C. watering holes, Energy Secretary Steven Chu awoke Thursday ...

WASHINGTON—Determined to create the definitive visual document of President Obama in his natural environs, award-winning photojournalist Bradlee Stoughton has reportedly staked out the Oval ...

WASHINGTON—Following the release of a secret Department of Justice memo this week that outlines the administration’s legal justification for killing U.S.

NEW YORK—Wiping a tear from the corner of his eye Thursday as he reviewed Nielsen ratings and various market performance indicators, advertising executive Mark ...

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a hastily called White House press conference Friday, a visibly tense and perspiring President Barack Obama confessed that the United States’ fleet ...

nWASHINGTON—With a major winter storm predicted to dump as much as 30 inches of snow across the northeastern United States this weekend, officials at ...

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner ...

Beijing has struggled with record air pollution this year, which has blotted out the sun, grounded flights, and affected the health and quality of life ...

The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays, a move officials say will save the struggling ...

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one: Make his ...

Aries You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps. Taurus An otherwise enjoyable week is ...

$42.78 (+$1.13) (2.71%) Stock in the cracker-industry leader saw a bump after poor and unemployed citizens nationwide discovered how rewarding it was ...

NEW ORLEANS—In a star-studded gala hosted by James Brown, the Baltimore Ravens were honored for their distinctive achievement in the football industry Sunday, winning ...

BALTIMORE—Following the Ravens’ victory over the 49ers in Super Bowl XLVII, Baltimore officials confirmed Tuesday that they are currently seeking a safer, less crime-infested ...

NEW YORK—In response to accusations that his policies are hurting the game of football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told CBS’s Face the Nation ...

PHOENIX—In preparation for the fast approaching 2013 MLB preseason, the league’s pitchers and catchers reported to spring training for their annual delousing, sources ...

SAN FRANCISCO—With NFL free agency looming, every team across the league is gearing up to compete for coveted star wide receiver Randy Moss, wide ...

With a flurry of trades and free agent signings across the league this offseason, Onion Sports analysts examine Major League Baseball’s most significant moves ...

While overall dairy consumption has remained consistent, yogurt sales in the United States have more than doubled since 2001, a nationwide craze that has been ...

Human remains found beneath a parking lot in the English city of Leicester were identified as those of King Richard III, who was widely reviled ...

To corroborate President Barack Obama’s recent assertion that he shoots clay pigeons “all the time” when he visits Camp David, the White House tweeted ...

Online sales of Beyoncé’s albums have leapt 230 percent since her well-received Super Bowl halftime show Sunday, while digital record sales for her former ...

With each penny costing roughly 1.6 cents to create and distribute, the Royal Canadian Mint stopped placing one-cent coins into circulation Monday, prompting Canadian ...

Aiming to save $2 billion a year, the financially struggling U.S. Postal Service announced today that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays ...

In a brief YouTube video posted by the North Korean government, a sleeping citizen is depicted dreaming about the country’s space technology and envisioning ...

Widespread power outages and travel disruptions are expected from a massive nor’easter that is projected to bring up to two feet of snow in ...

Hasbro announced that the least popular Monopoly game piece, the iron, would be removed from the board game and replaced with a cat, which beat ...

Recording artists attending the 55th Grammy Awards on Sunday have been given a “wardrobe advisory” by broadcaster CBS, requiring them to ensure their wardrobes “adequately ...

Dear The Onion, I forgot what I was going to write, but I already addressed and affixed the stamp to the envelope. Gene Putnam, Cary ...

Dear The Onion, How long should I wait for my husband to come back from the store before I know he left me? Kelly McDowell ...

A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's ...

Ellen Van Handel, 77, passed away at home just like she always wanted, plus she couldn’t afford to die in the hospital.

Lindsay Morgan, 20, literally died when she saw how fugly she looked in her new catering job’s mandatory white-on-white uniform.

Edwin Baines, 84, died in bed, but not before making a scary face that would frighten his wife Beth.

Super Bowl Victory Helps Fans Absorb Blow Of Learning Flacco A Raven For Life 

Homophobic Chris Culliver Admits He Was Afraid To Get Anywhere Near Ravens Receivers

Valiant Michael Crabtree Refuses To Blame Referees For Shitty Officiating

Countless Barrels Of Red And Gold Confetti Dumped In Gulf Of Mexico

Update: Lombardi Trophy Stolen During Ravens Victory Parade Violence

Colin Kaepernick Makes Appointment To Get New 'Super Bowl XLVII' Tattoo Removed

Bulls Claim Derrick Rose Close To Returning As Shriveled Husk Of Player He Once Was

Dan Gilbert Pledges Cavaliers Will Win Championship Before LeBron Wins Eighth Title

NBA Fines Hornets $200,000 For Not Playing Star Players In Any Games This Season

Our state-of-the-art entertainment reporter talks to director Roman Coppola and star Jason Schwartzman of 'A Glimpse Inside The Mind Of Charles Swan III.' 

A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts ...

Emphasizing the importance of protecting the nation’s global image, marketers at the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton Strategies, Inc.

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace ...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of protecting the nation’s global image, marketers at the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton Strategies, Inc. reportedly met with White ...

Riot police have been dispatched to quell an enthusiastic Ray Lewis after his team's stunning Super Bowl win.

The hit cooking show turned up the heat on contestants, asking them to prepare a gourmet meal using only a sponsor's flagship sedan.

Congressman Henry Crawford's quietly stunning laws may not appeal to everyone, but are leaving fans of art-house legislation enraptured.

Meryl Streep plays a character and she is just divine.

While hiding from the dean, fraternity pledge Steve Derr (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) finds a magical mirror where if you stand in front of it a beer ...

This flamingo sounds a lot like that guy from the Everybody Loves Raymond show—the tall one.