PYONGYANG—Following reports earlier this morning that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea successfully conducted its third nuclear test, sources confirmed that every nation ...

WASHINGTON—In a shocking display of deep self-absorption and narcissistic behavior, President Barack Obama stood up in front of the entire nation Tuesday and talked ...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Facing an unending string of emotional, verbal, and physical abuses from his peers, sources confirmed Monday that local youth Nathan Meserole is reportedly ...

RIZHAO, CHINA—Harboring dreams for a better life and fleeing years of economic hardship back home, a small band of weary Americans confirmed they had ...

JOHANNESBURG—In the wake of reports that double amputee Paralympic champion Oscar Pistorius, 26, had been charged with the murder of his girlfriend Thursday, a ...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging a growing scientific consensus over the dangers of methamphetamines, a team of doctors frantically prying apart and dismantling a stereo system released ...

CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA—Following the unexpected arrival of a 10-ton meteor that reportedly broke up above the Russian city of Chelyabinsk early Friday morning, more than ...

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has ...

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Visibly emotional employees at Casper-Neville Communications confirmed Monday that a 30-minute team-building exercise organized by the company’s management had instilled within them ...

LOS ANGELES—After weeks of speculation within the music industry, English folk-rock group Mumford and Sons took home the big prize at Sunday’s 55th ...

ATLANTA—As The Walking Dead returns to AMC for the second half of its third season, writers for the popular zombie drama told reporters Monday ...

VATICAN CITY—Just hours after announcing his resignation from the papacy Monday, Pope Benedict XVI confirmed that he had accepted a lucrative senior analyst position ...

WASHINGTON—In the hours leading up to President Obama’s State of the Union speech tonight, White House aides informed reporters that the president would ...

WASHINGTON—Prior to President Obama’s annual State of the Union address Tuesday night, audience members in the House chamber were presented with a touching ...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State ...

MONROEVILLE, PA—While watching President Obama’s annual televised address to Congress Tuesday night, local man Daniel Markell, 46, reportedly let out a sigh of ...

WASHINGTON—Faced with a menial and unappealing task they had no desire to perform themselves, a group of wealthy white people brought in a Latino ...

SAN FRANCISCO—With its shameless self-promotion, gratuitous content recycling, and completely disorienting design, aggregator website FlavorMix.com is utterly humiliating itself, sources confirmed Friday.

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Another of Taylor Swift’s high-profile romances came to an abrupt end Tuesday, sources confirmed, following the death of the recording ...

WASHINGTON—Following his coverage of the president’s State of the Union address Tuesday night, Washington Post senior reporter Ed Karl, 66, said he’s ...

GULF OF MEXICO—Following an onboard fire that has left more than 4,000 Carnival cruise ship passengers and crew without electricity, water, and operational ...

BEREA, KY—Saying that she didn’t want to go all out and turn the evening into a “big huge thing,” area woman Caitlin Omstead ...

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Just hours after she was left broken-hearted by the death of boyfriend Christopher Dorner, sources reported that Taylor Swift rekindled her ...

UTICA, NY—Admitting that he feels “pretty guilty about it,” clinical psychologist William Nesbitt told reporters Thursday that he has found himself in an increasingly ...

NAPERVILLE, IL—Commenting on the third-grader’s blossoming personality and overall handsomeness, local woman Carrie Bloomquist reportedly told friends Tuesday that her 8-year-old son is ...

FORT WORTH, TX—American Airlines and US Airways stunned the aviation industry Thursday upon announcing the two air travel titans have combined in an $11 ...

LOS ANGELES—Los Angeles residents are reportedly on edge today following reports that hundreds of armed and extremely dangerous Los Angeles Police Department officers are ...

SITKA, AK—Saying that he feels like an utter moron and is still completely embarrassed, a gray wolf on Thursday told reporters how mortified he ...

BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of ...

MOSS POINT, MS—The ongoing plight of passengers who recently escaped the disabled Carnival cruise liner Triumph took another unfortunate turn Thursday when, just hours ...

PITTSBURGH—After being inadvertently trapped in the Carnegie Museum of Art following closing time Thursday, local man Simon Oresick, 57, remarked to himself that art ...

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that ...

HOUSTON—Without either man ever becoming aware of the other’s identity, coworkers Matthew Durbin, 28, and Caleb Simmons, 26, spent an entire workday exchanging ...

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being ...

Aries An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose. Taurus You ...

$2.23 (+$0.19) (+9.31%) Prices rose after a mysterious elevator accident took out three of the Five Guys.

ASPEN, CO—Following the death of Caleb Moore January 31 at the Winter X Games, officials announced Monday they are reconsidering events that involve hurtling ...

MIAMI—Shooting 56 percent from the field so far this season and completing an astounding 49 of his last 65 shots, LeBron James has recently ...

ATLANTA—Braves general manager Frank Wren announced Wednesday that the team’s new logo would feature a grim depiction of the numerous atrocities suffered by ...

LOS ANGELES—After a tumultuous and disappointing first half of their season, Kobe Bryant reportedly called a Kobe-Bryant-only meeting Thursday to air out the many ...

PHILADELPHIA—Newly re-signed Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, 32, revealed in a candid interview Thursday that he’s not confident he has another 4-12 season left ...

HOUSTON—While competing in the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest Saturday, contestant Gerald Green reportedly incorporated characters, dialogue, and set design from 16th-century English playwright Christopher ...

HOUSTON—In a small gathering of acquaintances, former Chicago Bulls guard Michael Jordan reportedly celebrated his 50th birthday Sunday with the last five people on ...

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing ...

A new study has linked the highly fatty and extremely sweet foods often consumed in the American South, such as sweet tea and fried chicken ...

Citing his advanced age and declining health, 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he will step down from the papacy on the last day ...

Several weeks after horse meat was found in frozen hamburgers in Irish and British supermarkets, frozen food purveyors in the U.K.

North Korea carried out a nuclear test Tuesday, possibly using a plutonium-based device that was smaller but more powerful than its previous bombs, drawing condemnation ...

President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, his first since being reelected.

On February 25, PepsiCo will roll out its new line of caffeinated Mountain Dew Kickstart sparkling juice beverages, which will be marketed as an alternative ...

A coroner in New Zealand has ruled that a 30-year-old woman’s death by cardiac arrest in 2010 was caused by her daily consumption of ...

Since an engine fire Sunday, the 4,200 people aboard the Carnival cruise ship Triumph have gone without electricity, waited hours in line for food ...

A 150-foot asteroid known as 2012 DA14 will pass by Earth today, coming within 17,000 miles of hitting the planet—closer than many communications ...

A meteorite fell over the Russian city of Chelyabinsk this morning, creating a fireball and several explosions that caused moderate structural damage, injuring over 1 ...

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the ...

A new pair of Sony nosebuds lets users blast different smells into their nostrils, a devoted abuser stops by his girlfriend's office to deliver ...

Instead of jambalaya, we would like to change our order and have the grilled shrimp, thanks. The Onion regrets the error.

An article Tuesday on local man Aaron Callaghan’s suicide incorrectly stated that he “blew his Brians out.” He actually blew his brains out.

Mormon couple Alan Culver, 23, and Brenda Hayworth, 21, were wed in a private ceremony Saturday, and then lost their virginities to one another in ...

Don Seaton and Wanda Allen were wed this weekend, with both barely breaking eye contact with the best man.

Paranoid Josh Smith Flees Into Atlanta Sewers After Learning Nets Are Pursuing Him

Tim Kurkjian Begins Laborious Process Of Introducing Himself To Every MLB Player

Phoenix Suns Listed At Top Of NBA Power Rankings After Acquiring Marc Stein

Golf Highlight Reel Just Ball Going Into Or Not Going Into Hole

Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers to blast ...

Though presiding over a country hampered by war, an economic recession, dramatic cultural upheaval, and a partisan divide at the highest levels of government, the ...

Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an ...

Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and utterly satisfied ...

NEW YORK—Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers ...

WASHINGTON—Though presiding over a country hampered by war, an economic recession, dramatic cultural upheaval, and a partisan divide at the highest levels of government ...

FREMONT, CA—Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday ...

BRACKNEY, PA—Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: The Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald (Scribner, $8.67) An eloquent and ...

The unstoppable mega-hit 'Smooth' by Santana featuring Rob Thomas continued its unstoppable Grammy streak, picking up awards in every major category.

A disturbing new study reveals that women's prisons are not the hotbeds of sexy discipline and kittenish exploration they should be.