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Issue 4907

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...

Coddled Potted Plant Could Never Make It On Outside

BEVERLY, MA—According to sources, an impeccably maintained local 3-year-old Philodendron would be “as good as dead” if it ever left the pampered confines of its terra cotta pot and tried to make it on the outside.

Los Angeles On High Alert As LAPD Back On Regular Duty

LOS ANGELES—Los Angeles residents are reportedly on edge today following reports that hundreds of armed and extremely dangerous Los Angeles Police Department officers are resuming regular patrolling duties after the conclusion of Tuesday’s ma...

Report: World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational

JOHANNESBURG—In the wake of reports that double amputee Paralympic champion Oscar Pistorius, 26, had been charged with the murder of his girlfriend Thursday, a report filed today by the Pew Research Center stated that the world is now down to just f...

Mother Considers Son 'Quite The Little Casanova'

NAPERVILLE, IL—Commenting on the third-grader’s blossoming personality and overall handsomeness, local woman Carrie Bloomquist reportedly told friends Tuesday that her 8-year-old son is already turning into “quite the little Casanova....

Therapist Feels Bad For Dating Patient's Daughter

UTICA, NY—Admitting that he feels “pretty guilty about it,” clinical psychologist William Nesbitt told reporters Thursday that he has found himself in an increasingly uncomfortable situation ever since he began dating the 23-year-old dau...

Website Humiliating Itself

SAN FRANCISCO—With its shameless self-promotion, gratuitous content recycling, and completely disorienting design, aggregator website FlavorMix.com is utterly humiliating itself, sources confirmed Friday.

Unpopular Kid Having Trouble Fitting In At Home

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Facing an unending string of emotional, verbal, and physical abuses from his peers, sources confirmed Monday that local youth Nathan Meserole is reportedly having considerable difficulty fitting in at his home. According to individual...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of February 13, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: The Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald (Scribner, $8.67) An eloquent and simple novel, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic analyzes the East Egg–West Egg rivalry better th...

Area Man Relieved To Hear State Of Union Still Strong

MONROEVILLE, PA—While watching President Obama’s annual televised address to Congress Tuesday night, local man Daniel Markell, 46, reportedly let out a sigh of relief upon hearing the president announce that the state of the union is strong.

World Surrenders To North Korea

PYONGYANG—Following reports earlier this morning that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea successfully conducted its third nuclear test, sources confirmed that every nation on the planet has surrendered to the mighty East Asian dictators...

Obama's State Of The Union Address

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama will appear before a joint session of Congress and deliver his first State of the Union address since being reelected.

Alan Culver and Brenda Hayworth 

Mormon couple Alan Culver, 23, and Brenda Hayworth, 21, were wed in a private ceremony Saturday, and then lost their virginities to one another in an experience more beautiful and pure than anything you will ever know.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 12, 2013

Aries An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose. Taurus You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's ...

Pope Accepts Senior Analyst Position At Catholic Think Tank

VATICAN CITY—Just hours after announcing his resignation from the papacy Monday, Pope Benedict XVI confirmed that he had accepted a lucrative senior analyst position at a New York–based Catholic think tank, the Westchester Institute for Ethics...

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound

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COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately.
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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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