ATLANTA—A local woman is in stable condition this morning after undergoing emergency cosmetic surgery to repair eight glaring flaws, doctors at Emory University Midtown ...

PHILADELPHIA—According to company sources, the spring class of interns at Fischer Marketing was encouraged by their supervisor Tuesday to show their commitment and drive ...

THE HEAVENS—Sources within the Kingdom of God confirmed Thursday that late president of Iraq Saddam Hussein has been constantly complaining to his fellow angels ...

NEW YORK—Following a South African judge’s decision to grant bail to Paralympian sprinter and murder suspect Oscar Pistorius Friday, the much-followed trial reportedly ...

LOS ANGELES—In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at ...

PAWTUCKET, RI—Adopting the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local man Jacob Rivard, 29, who is a season ahead of friends in his viewing ...

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Facing allegations that he killed girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp during a dispute at his Pretoria mansion last week, track star Oscar Pistorius swore ...

LOS ANGELES—Citing the positive impact it would likely have on the R&B star’s image, SavMedia publicist Erica Sandoval reportedly suggested to Chris ...

LOS ANGELES—Fans of the Fast & Furious franchise were reportedly thrilled this week after Universal Pictures announced the sixth installment in the series would include ...

NAPLES, FL—Describing it as a “real close call,” a local seagull suffering from an acute case of diarrhea told reporters that he was barely ...

KISSIMMEE, FL—Firmly reminding himself that he was off-duty, vacationing Minneapolis police detective Jack Ullman, 56, averted his gaze and kept walking as if he ...

BRUSSELS—A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels’ international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million ...

BROOKLYN—After being offered her dream job as an editorial assistant at a high-powered, nationally syndicated magazine last week, area film character Eleanor “Eddie” Edison ...

LOS ANGELES—Millions across the planet expressed astonishment and exasperation earlier today, saying they no longer had any idea who to admire following beloved film ...

NEW YORK—Wholesale office supply mania once again captured the fevered imaginations of the nation’s teenagers Wednesday as industry juggernaut Office Depot announced plans ...

NEW YORK—Saying he realizes the whole thing is “incredibly nerdy,” embarrassed Sony CEO Kazuo Hirai announced at a press event today that the company ...

BOSTON—According to family sources, 35-year-old defense attorney Mark Chaote received a call from his mother Thursday asking him to include his younger brother Jeremy ...

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Over a week after Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius’ arrest for the alleged murder of his girlfriend, the burglar hiding inside the sprinter ...

MIAMI—Following recent reports that a covert Chinese military unit is behind a series of cyber assaults on American companies, blogger Matt Drudge revealed to ...

WASHINGTON—Maintenance crews inspecting the U.S. Capitol building this morning confirmed the foul-smelling odor emanating from the back of House chambers over the past ...

VATICAN CITY—Following Pope Benedict XVI’s announcement that he will resign the papacy at the end of the month, a group of cardinals reportedly ...

CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to ...

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Hundreds of grieving friends and family members gathered at a private memorial service today to mourn the death of the bathroom door ...

ENID, OK—Longtime Fleetwood Mac fan Michael Gastin reportedly felt like a complete moron this week after walking by a retail display for the 35th ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Los Angeles police confirmed that Denzel Washington, Naomi Watts, Joaquin Phoenix, and nearly a dozen other top-name actors had gone missing ahead of ...

LOS ANGELES—As industry insiders had been predicting for weeks, Daniel Craig was a big winner at last night’s 85th Academy Awards ceremony after ...

In today’s fast-paced world, it seems like just about any guy can accidentally kill his girlfriend at virtually any time.

The 85th Academy Awards will be held Sunday night in Hollywood to celebrate achievements in film over the previous year.

Aries There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are any good. Taurus Forces ...

LOS ANGELES—According to team sources, Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was left in total shock and despair Wednesday after walking in on teammate Chris ...

MIAMI—Following the discouraging 143-138 loss to the Western Conference, Heat forward LeBron James boarded the NBA East All-Star Team bus Sunday and endured the ...

INDIANAPOLIS—Scouts at the 2013 NFL Combine are reportedly abuzz over a 3-inch orange cone whose draft stock is skyrocketing after a standout performance in ...

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Having secured pole position at the 55th Annual Daytona 500 this Sunday, stock car racer Danica Patrick reportedly has drawn universal praise ...

LOS ANGELES—In an unexpected turn of events, sources confirmed Saturday that billionaire Jerry Buss, the widely beloved owner of the Los Angeles Lakers who ...

TAMPA, FL—Returning to the field for the first time since fracturing his left ankle last season, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter reportedly attempted to take ...

With the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine underway, Onion Sports examines the most astonishing accomplishments throughout the history of the annual talent showcase. 1984: Future Falcons ...

Sources are reporting that Google will open a chain of brick-and-mortar stores throughout North America to sell the company’s tech products, with several flagship ...

The Icelandic government may use Internet filters to block citizens from viewing pornography online, potentially becoming the first Western democracy to impose strict Internet blocking ...

After spending more than two months in seclusion in Cuba following cancer surgery, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez made an unannounced return home yesterday, at which ...

President Barack Obama is calling for a 10-year, $3 billion joint public-private project to map the human brain, saying the Brain Activity Map would lead ...

Police say they found needles and what may be testosterone in Oscar Pistorius’ bedroom, suggesting that the double-amputee Olympic sprinter may have been doping around ...

Weird Al Yankovic unveiled this year’s lineup for the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, announcing that Sir Paul McCartney would headline the four-day event ...

Using genetic testing, researchers found that one-third of all fish sold as food in the U.S. was actually a different species than the one ...

An African-American nurse is suing a hospital in Flint, MI, alleging that administrators granted a request by a white man with a swastika tattoo that ...

After a well-publicized falling-out during the Transformers movies, Megan Fox has reportedly resolved her differences with Michael Bay and will star as reporter April O ...

Dear The Onion, I picked up on the coded messages in the last issue. I have procured a live chicken and am awaiting further instruction ...

Dear The Onion, My apartment building is currently collapsing. Know any good ways out of here? Henry Tundrow, Atlanta

An area man panics after accidentally 'liking' 381 of his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos, Bob Dylan lays off 2,000 workers from a songwriting factory ...

MSNBC 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Rachel takes a closer look at the gun control debate and affirms the opinions of every ...

Bravo 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST The office goes crazy over a rumor that Obamacare will cover the procedure.

FOOD 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Producers had to search high and low for some real idiots to make this show at ...

Revis Furious To Learn He Might Still Play For Jets Next Season

Kevin Garnett Cheers Up Injured Rajon Rondo By Showing Him MRI Of His Own Knees

Lakers General Manager Denies Reports Of Team Planning To Dump Dwight Howard In Pacific Ocean

Danny Ainge Acquires 200 Pounds Of C4 To Blow Up Celtics Roster

Manti Te'o Impresses Scouts With Ability To Jump Off Roof Of Lucas Oil Stadium

Matt Barkley Insists He Doesn't Regret Staying At USC, Injuring Shoulder, Ruining Professional Career

ESPN The Magazine Releases Special 'Sports Journalism' Issue

As he browsed the social networking site Facebook last night, local man Aaron Neutzling, 24, reportedly panicked after realizing that in the course of the ...

Seeking to revitalize his musical operations following years of declining revenue and mounting production costs, musician Bob Dylan laid off 2,000 workers from his ...

BOISE, ID—As he browsed the social networking site Facebook last night, local man Aaron Neutzling, 24, reportedly panicked after realizing that in the course ...

MUSCATINE, IA—Seeking to revitalize his musical operations following years of declining revenue and mounting production costs, musician Bob Dylan laid off 2,000 workers ...

Feb. 17— Police were called to handle a domestic disturbance on Ash St. and ended up staying the whole night trying to figure out where ...

Feb. 18—After a brief foot chase, police lost track of the suspect in a West Side home burglary, but since they were on that ...

Feb. 20—The only thing that irritates 911 operator Teresa McAdams more than hang-ups are the ones where they don’t even speak in the ...

Following a cyber attack to the fast food chain's Twitter account, the thousands of people who had chosen to follow Burger King were left ...

To shore up support among female voters, the GOP has introduced a bill banning "putting angry hands to lady necks" and "hurting pretty ladies with ...

New photos show that the aging heartthrob has transitioned gracefully into a handsome mass of fabric and ornate bangles.

Stars and fans pay their respects as the corpses of celebrities we lost in 2012 are carried into the Dolby Theater for the Oscars.

The red carpet has never been hotter! Our fashion experts pick out their favorite looks, including Ben Affleck wrapped in a stylish George Clooney.