ST. HELENA, CA—Shockwaves rocked the world of haute cuisine today after Napa Valley health authorities discovered the iconic 3-star Michelin restaurant The Horse & Pony ...
VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters for the final time as head of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI vowed Wednesday that he would continue ...
And Then Twice A Week For Next Four Years
WASHINGTON—With the dramatic, across-the-board sequestration scheduled to occur this week, the nation’s leading economists have warned that President Obama and Congress must come ...
CHESTNUT HILL, MA—According to an alarming new report published Wednesday by the International Association for the Evaluation of Educational Achievement, third-graders in China are ...
NEW YORK—Declaring the creation a worthy follow-up to her widely successful news aggregation website, media magnate Arianna Huffington unveiled today her latest project known ...
JUNCTION, TX—A senseless tragedy has left this small, close-knit community in the hill country of Texas reeling as they struggle to absorb the devastating ...
VATICAN CITY—Making the rounds at Vatican City Thursday as he said a final goodbye to colleagues on his last day as pontiff, Pope Benedict ...
Dear Readers, On behalf of The Onion, I offer my personal apology to Quvenzhané Wallis and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for ...
LOS ANGELES—Delivering on a season’s worth of awards buzz, the critically acclaimed musical Les Misérables was a big winner at the 85th ...
HAVANA—Sources within Cuba confirmed Monday that a group of completely humiliated doctors has once again been forced to administer routine medical treatments to former ...
COOS BAY, OR—Amidst rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions that have left the species in imminent danger of extinction, the world’s leatherback sea turtles announced ...
WASHINGTON—Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s appearance at the Academy Awards Sunday undoubtedly inspired fond memories in the estimated 73 percent of American couples ...
SACRAMENTO, CA—Despite her effusive passion for education, constant encouragement, and heartfelt devotion to her pupils, English teacher Marcia Belsheim’s inspirational influence on Clement ...
TEHRAN—In an unprecedented display of international cooperation from the Middle Eastern nation, Iran reportedly pledged to end the country’s burgeoning nuclear weapons program ...
SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA—As the organization marks its 15th anniversary Friday, representatives for the Sonny Bono Foundation told reporters that they continue to devote ...
GOLDSBORO, NC—According to eyewitness accounts, an insatiable droplet of water charged down the windowpane of a local residence Wednesday, gluttonously consuming everything in its ...
WASHINGTON—Investigative journalist Bob Woodward announced Thursday that he’s received credible information from an anonymous source confirming that Woodward hasn’t been a relevant ...
BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources confirmed Friday that the person currently cutting local man Russell Elko’s hair is merely the latest in a long line of ...
WASHINGTON—Following one of the finest and most widely praised weeks in the history of The Onion, a new study published today found that the ...
After nearly eight years heading the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will retire from the papacy on Thursday.
Aries While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work ...
$31.21 (-$2.17) (-6.50%) The nut purveyor’s shares took a hit today after investors learned that Mr.
BALTIMORE—After taking under a month to sort through the carnage from the Ravens’ Super Bowl victory parade, Baltimore police issued an encouraging report Friday ...
INDIANAPOLIS—With the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine drawing to a close, linebacker Manti Te’o confirmed Tuesday that he had managed to scrape together enough ...
PHOENIX—Following her historic 8th-place finish at the Daytona 500 last weekend, NASCAR driver Danica Patrick confirmed Thursday that she has been inundated with thousands ...
SAN ANTONIO—Performing with rare efficiency and startling precision, the otherwise struggling Sacramento Kings perfectly executed their offense against the Spurs Friday, when the team ...
With the NFL free agency period starting on March 12, teams are expected to once again dole out huge contracts.
According to a survey of the nation’s primary and secondary educators, less than 40 percent reported feeling very satisfied with their jobs, the lowest ...
First lady Michelle Obama announced the Oscars’ Best Picture winner via satellite last night, awarding the show’s top prize to the Ben Affleck–directed ...
Having avoided the fiscal cliff with a temporary deal in January, the federal government is now facing the so-called sequester, which would trigger $85 billion ...
The United States and five other nations will begin talks with Iranian negotiators in the city of Almaty, Kazakhstan today to discuss easing sanctions on ...
In the latest turn in Europe’s widening horse meat scandal, investigators found equine DNA in meatballs served in the cafeteria of an Ikea in ...
After nearly eight years as head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will step down from the papacy today at 8 p.m.
At a meeting with investors this morning, IBM demonstrated its advanced artificial intelligence system Watson, which famously beat two champions at Jeopardy! in 2011, by ...
American multimillionaire Dennis Tito, famous for being the first space tourist in 2001, announced plans to finance a 500-day mission that would send a spacecraft ...
During a goodwill trip to North Korea, former NBA star Dennis Rodman was seen palling around with the country’s leader Kim Jong-un, whom Rodman ...
Creating the first ever brain-to-brain interface, scientists have connected the brains of lab rats via Internet cables, allowing the animals to communicate motor information to ...
Rob Todd, 42, has always fantasized about walking in on a woman using the bathroom, but he’s never acted on it and he never ...
Josh Lemberg made sure not to get any of the other dogs’ hopes up while choosing a pet at the local shelter
Last Monday, we prematurely referred to the U.S. currency as the “blood kargoon” instead of the dollar.
The Onion regrets misspelling the word “resolute” in last Thursday’s business section but isn’t that broken up about it.
Report: Darrelle Revis Could Solve Chiefs' Need For Overrated Cornerback
Wow, Jason Kidd Still Plugging Along, Huh?
Yankees Fan Constantly Mentions His Whole Family Is From New York
Braves Not Sure How They Ended Up With 15 Uptons
Casting a sentimental eye over his long career at the California Institution for Men, prison warden Kenneth Luger, 65, told reporters Thursday he will always ...
Video-streaming service Netflix reportedly checked in on local customer Shane Fowler late Tuesday after a marathon viewing session in which the 31-year-old watched the entire ...
CHINO, CA—Casting a sentimental eye over his long career at the California Institution for Men, prison warden Kenneth Luger, 65, told reporters Thursday he ...
CLARKSBURG, WV—Video-streaming service Netflix reportedly checked in on local customer Shane Fowler late Tuesday after a marathon viewing session in which the 31-year-old watched ...
Meteorologists say the blizzard pummeling the Midwest is expected to devastate Illinois resident Kevin Hodges given everything he's been going through lately.
Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is being proactive in the face of his department's potential budget cuts by scouring the country for road signs, traffic ...
The Divine Creator of All Things addressed a throng of dedicated fans on his troubled working relationship with the former Pope.
This guy, who goes around all these places watching other people do all sorts of stuff, gets in trouble when all that looking around at ...
Everyone suspects each other of making whimpering sounds, until they discover it was a nearby scared wall the whole time.
Georges starts a great new life, free of his annoying, sickly wife Anne.
In this riveting documentary, a man calls his neighbor over and over again until he says “please stop calling me.”
