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Issue 4909

Josh Lemberg

Josh Lemberg made sure not to get any of the other dogs’ hopes up while choosing a pet at the local shelter

Pope Benedict Stops By Prayer Writers' Room To Say Goodbye

VATICAN CITY—Making the rounds at Vatican City Thursday as he said a final goodbye to colleagues on his last day as pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI reportedly took a few moments in the early afternoon to stop by the prayer writers’ room and wish hi...

Community Mourns Death Of Beloved Drunk Driver

JUNCTION, TX—A senseless tragedy has left this small, close-knit community in the hill country of Texas reeling as they struggle to absorb the devastating news that beloved local drunk driver Chris Dehaene, 41, died in a head-on highway collision Tu...

Rob Todd

Rob Todd, 42, has always fantasized about walking in on a woman using the bathroom, but he’s never acted on it and he never will.

Report: Most Couples Met On Set Of 'Daredevil'

WASHINGTON—Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s appearance at the Academy Awards Sunday undoubtedly inspired fond memories in the estimated 73 percent of American couples who, according to a new report from the U.S.

Manti Te'o Scrapes Together $5,000 For Combine Fee

INDIANAPOLIS—With the 2013 NFL Scouting Combine drawing to a close, linebacker Manti Te’o confirmed Tuesday that he had managed to scrape together enough money to pay the $5,000 fee to participate in the event.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 26, 2013

Aries While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work to a professionally licensed coroner. Taurus Wisdom says that God will not give you more ...

'Les Misérables' Takes Home Oscar For Most Sound

LOS ANGELES—Delivering on a season’s worth of awards buzz, the critically acclaimed musical Les Misérables was a big winner at the 85th annual Academy Awards last night after it took home the Oscar for Most Sound.

The Onion Apologizes

Dear Readers, On behalf of The Onion, I offer my personal apology to Quvenzhané Wallis and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for the tweet that was circulated last night during the Oscars. It was crude and offensive—not to menti...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: