30-Year-Old Married, Pregnant Law School Grad Needs To Slow It Down
ALEXANDRIA, VA—Annoyed sources confirmed this week that married and pregnant local woman Ashley Canfield will not stop achieving significant life milestones, unanimously agreeing that ...
WASHINGTON—The CIA has announced that 231 agents were killed Wednesday during a sensitive and highly overt operation overseas, the deadliest incident to strike the ...
‘It’s Fun Watching Them Hustle And Bustle Around Like They Live In A Major Metropolis,’ Nation Says
BOSTON—Boston residents once again hustled and bustled their way into the nation’s hearts this week as they continued playing their adorable little game ...
PALO ALTO, CA—FrendTrend, a new social media startup that branded itself as “a fun, intuitive way to connect and share with friends online,” celebrated ...
ARLINGTON, VA—In a notable relaxation of its existing security protocols, the Transportation Security Administration announced Thursday that it will henceforth allow small terrorists on ...
THE HEAVENS—Saying that maybe He wasn’t around enough and could have expressed His divine love a little better throughout the history of mankind ...
DES MOINES, IA—The greater Des Moines area was abuzz with excitement Monday as Iowa’s annual Fashion Week officially kicked off, opening a busy ...
GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources, local boyfriend Martin Daniels was compelled to display secondhand outrage Monday as his girlfriend, Linzi Rosario, vented about a recent ...
SEFFNER, FL—Following a Florida man’s sudden death last week after his bedroom collapsed into a 20-foot-wide sinkhole, the possibility of a giant cavity ...
NEW YORK—A recent newspaper headline that included the words “HIV Baby” somehow managed to turn out okay by the end, numerous readers confirmed Tuesday.
ROCKVILLE, MD—After noticing several news stories about the failing health of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, local man Sp...
WASHINGTON—Ahead of the College of Cardinals’ upcoming conclave to select a new pope, a Gallup poll conducted this week found that 99 percent of ...
FOREST LAKE, MN—Responding to an ongoing humanitarian crisis, U.N. aid workers reportedly descended on a local KFC Wednesday to deliver much-needed food to ...
'Look, I Can't Help My Name,' Says Macy's Cashier Lisa Gunman
KANSAS CITY, MO—Eyewitnesses at Kansas City’s Crown Center mall are reporting that a Gunman entered the shopping center’s food court at approximately ...
'I'm Just Meeting A Friend For Lunch,' Says Lisa Gunman
KANSAS CITY, MO—Bystanders at the Wyandotte Street Cheesecake Factory confirmed that a lone Gunman entered the crowded restaurant at approximately 12:30 p.m.
'She Left Her Wallet At The Cheesecake Factory,' Authorities Say
KANSAS CITY, MO—According to reports, Kansas City police officers are currently searching for a missing Gunman last seen earlier this afternoon in the parking ...
'This Was Taken During Halloween,' Says Lisa Gunman
KANSAS CITY, MO—A shocking photo was released to the public this afternoon of a masked Gunman spotted outside a local residence at an undisclosed ...
Cashier Lisa Gunman Goes On Mass Stabbing Spree
KANSAS CITY, MO—Reportedly overcome with frustration following an onslaught of recent media attention, 33-year-old Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman was apprehended by police earlier ...
BLAWNOX, PA—According to employees at Honeycutt-Talbot Communications, Associate Manager Ross Urbansky’s sole professional responsibility appears to be walking around the office and periodically ...
WASHINGTON—Following a three-month search involving more than 1,000 officers, FBI Director Robert S.
WASHINGTON—White House sources confirmed that after hearing a gentle tap on his window Thursday evening, President Barack Obama stepped out onto the Truman balcony ...
The late Theodor Seuss Geisel, known to generations of fans as children’s author and illustrator Dr.
Aries The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to ...
CUMBERLAND, RI—The new guy in the cubicle next to Paul Alexander, 41, smells like a fresh haircut.
$19.82 (+$0.94) (+4.98%) Reports are coming in from Lancaster that some Tide got a big ol’ stain out of a shirt last ...
BALTIMORE—Economists expressed shock this week as the value of the U.S. dollar plunged by more than 98 percent after Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe ...
PYONGYANG—The recent appearance of former Chicago Bulls forward Dennis Rodman in North Korea was reportedly the most normal thing to transpire in the country ...
NEW YORK—Contradicting statements made last year, New York Jets general manager John Idzik announced Monday that the team is still interested in keeping Tim ...
SAN ANTONIO—Stressing that it is a “very complicated socioeconomic issue,” Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged teammates Thursday to come to him with ...
CHICAGO—Explaining that he can sometimes spot raw talent just by looking at someone, Kelvyn Park High School basketball coach Keith Burris told reporters Thursday ...
NEW YORK—ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith recently made several dismissive remarks about ice hockey this week, causing Americans across the country to flock to ...
With March Madness just around the corner, Onion Sports provides in-depth analysis on which teams will make or miss the NCAA tournament.
Villanova: Like a ...
After being placed on antiretroviral medications beginning 30 hours after its birth, a child born HIV positive was found to be completely free of the ...
According to a new ecological report, nearly 100 million sharks are killed each year by humans, driven in large part by Asian nations’ demand for ...
Less than a week after a Tampa, FL man and his bedroom were swallowed by a now 30-foot-wide and 60-foot-deep sinkhole, a new chasm in ...
Hugo Chávez, Venezuela’s divisive leader for the past 14 years and a vocal detractor of the United States, died of cancer yesterday at ...
Despite the sluggish recovery and the federal government’s sequestration budget cuts, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at 14,253.77 points yesterday, the ...
According to sources, new eye-tracking technology in Samsung’s Galaxy S IV smartphone, which is set to debut on March 14, will allow users to ...
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) held up the confirmation process of President Barack Obama’s CIA nominee by filibustering for nearly 13 hours, protesting the administration ...
Partially reversing rules that have been in place since the 9/11 attacks, the Transportation Security Administration announced that it would begin allowing passengers to ...
Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was seen struggling during a performance of “Beauty and a Beat” at a show in London last night before walking ...
Dear The Onion,
I'm not sure if you do this, but I'd love to take a crack at writing a Wizard Of Id ...
Dear The Onion,
I got nothing to say. Guess I’m pretty chill that way.
Tyler Hallam, Los Angeles
A report finds Chinese third-graders are falling behind U.S. high school students in math and science, a nostalgic warden has seen 3 generations of ...
Cancer topples Chavez in a bloodless coup, a poll finds that 99% of human beings would prefer big, slobbery hound dog pope, and Andrea Bocelli ...
Why not load up the kids and head on over to grandma's house? She has candies, and who knows, she might be dead this ...
Learn about the history of buckets with a self-guided tour through the museum's four fascinating exhibits, then sit down and watch the hourly documentary ...
Ravens Finalize 6-Year, $120 Million Deal For Super Bowl XLVII
Report: LeBron James' 2013 Minor Knee Injury Better Than Michael Jordan’s 1993 Ankle Sprain
Chiefs GM Confident Alex Smith Could Be Franchise's Next Matt Cassel
NHL Game Seats Now Marketed Primarily As Nice Places To Sit Down
Dr. James Andrews' Ears Perk Up After Hearing ACL Snap Across Country
An online listing for a job at area marketing firm BizKo Solutions has left local man Ryan Urlich unsure whether he is truly dynamic enough ...
When tragedy struck Kansas City today, Onion reporters were first on the scene. This is a video recap of our coverage of the Gunman story ...
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—An online listing for a job at area marketing firm BizKo Solutions has left local man Ryan Urlich unsure whether he is truly ...
This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:
Just A Couple More Things About Kevin Lionel Shriver (Harper Perennial, $13 ...
Experts are blaming Girls Gone Wild’s recent bankruptcy on the company’s business model of employing their hot, horny coeds full time.
In his first televised interview since the election, Mitt Romney said his bid for the White House was doomed by his ability to effectively and ...
The President was forced to exercise his clemency powers to free Joe Biden last week after the Vice President called the White House at 3 ...
The fast-food chain has rolled out a suspicious new promotion selling five hamburgers for zero dollars.
