Issue 4911

Pope Insanity MXLV Selected

News ISSUE 49•11 Mar 13, 2013
VATICAN CITY—Following the ceremonial rising of the white smoke and pealing of the St. Peter’s Basilica bells earlier this afternoon, black clouds suddenly ...

Who Is Pope Francis?

Infographic ISSUE 49•11 Mar 13, 2013
After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church ...

BiffCo (BFFCO)

Stockwatch ISSUE 49•11 Mar 12, 2013
$72.12 (+$0.47) (0.66%) CEO Biff Tannen invested winnings from his correct Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl bet to further BiffCo’s dominance in ...


Corrections ISSUE 49•11 Mar 13, 2013
We accidentally called the tomato a vegetable in Monday’s issue, when actually the tomato can be whatever you want it to be.


Corrections ISSUE 49•11 Mar 16, 2013
The Onion would like to apologize in advance for tomorrow’s mistake, which is going to be a doozy.

The Bible

TV Listings ISSUE 49•11 Mar 13, 2013
Lifetime 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT When voluptuous neighbor Bathsheba decides to take a steamy outdoor bath, will King David be able ...


TV Listings ISSUE 49•11 Mar 20, 2013
ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Louie Anderson, and other celebrities compete to see which one has the most mismanaged ...