VATICAN CITY—Following the ceremonial rising of the white smoke and pealing of the St. Peter’s Basilica bells earlier this afternoon, black clouds suddenly ...

NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Tuesday that local attorney friends Sam Taub and Peter Glickman unexpectedly met near the main entrance of New York County Courthouse ...

NEW YORK—In the latest of an increasingly violent series of murders linked to international prescription drug trafficking, infamous Pfizer cartel leader Philip “El Loco ...

HOUSTON—High-level sources at the accounting firm McCall and Associates told reporters Monday morning that the company does not currently have enough manpower to perform ...

AUSTIN, TX—While attending the fourth day of this year’s SXSW conference, Chicago-based marketing associate Tim Danner told reporters today that the music, film ...

AUSTIN, TX—Four days into the culture and technology component of the South by Southwest festival, event organizers confirmed Monday that the word “innovate” has ...

CLEVELAND—Following reports of newly heightened tensions between North and South Korea, local imbecile Aaron Weiss, 29, concluded today that the escalating international conflict was ...

RED OAK, IA—After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that his weight was becoming a serious health problem, 450-pound local man Dale Carver ...

LOS ANGELES—A full week into his infiltration of the East Side Crips, no member of the gang can bear to tell confidential police informant ...

VATICAN CITY—North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, pop star Justin Timberlake, the entire cast of Oz The Great And Powerful, LeBron James, and Samsung’s ...

VATICAN CITY—While undergoing the selection process at the ongoing papal conclave, anxious pope candidate Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi accidentally transformed the sacramental wine into Jesus ...

AUSTIN—Saying that he was initially excited to attend South by Southwest, Arm & Hammer representative John Meyers told reporters Tuesday that he’s now uncertain ...

NASHVILLE, TN—Local resident Darren Callahan, 26, told reporters Wednesday that even after administering a rigorous battery of diagnostic tests, he has been unable to ...

RUTLAND, VT—Kitchen sources reported Wednesday that local mom Tina Reyes is currently emptying the dishwasher with an impressively calm disposition, betraying no sign of ...

NEW YORK—The mounting opposition to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposal to prohibit the sale of large-size soft drinks served as sad ...

NEW YORK—According to numerous critics’ reports, an upcoming episode of HBO’s hit comedy Girls features the show’s star, Lena Dunham, losing control ...

WASHINGTON—At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul ...

ATHENS, GA—Following a business trip to the distant and mysterious land of Idaho, area sales representative Gary Chichester has returned home from the three-day ...

The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week.

After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church ...

$72.12 (+$0.47) (0.66%) CEO Biff Tannen invested winnings from his correct Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl bet to further BiffCo’s dominance in ...

TOKYO—In the midst of a successful run with the Netherlands national team at the World Baseball Classic, starting pitcher Orlando Yntema told reporters Wednesday ...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a major breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the basketball community, the nation’s preeminent scientists announced Thursday that a roster capable ...

INDIAN WELLS, CA—In an interview following his 4-6, 6-4, 7-5 victory over Ernests Gulbis at the BNP Paribas Open, Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal ...

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—In a long-standing and pathetic family tradition, father and son Anthony and Justin Stroud this week made their incredibly depressing annual ...

With baseball’s preseason heating up, Onion Sports examines the most exciting moments from the exhibition games.

We invested $150,000 in this test sponsorship. We hope that you like it, 7UP TEN! Our producers tell us that our jobs depend on ...

Jim and Tracy meet the incredible ballet prodigy who choreographed an entire desperate plea for her father's attention all on her own.

The remains of large 2,000-pound camels, which lived 3.5 million years ago, were recently unearthed from the Canadian arctic tundra, revealing that their ...

Over 2,800 pig carcasses of unknown origin were found clogging Shanghai’s Huangpu River, the main drinking water source for the city, sparking widespread ...

The Vatican’s College of Cardinals convened the papal conclave today, beginning the process of selecting the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th pope.

Just one day before the rule was set to go into effect in New York City, a state justice blocked Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s controversial ...

The head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a dire warning about antibiotic-resistant bacteria known as CREs, which after first appearing in ...

Three dolphins trained by the Ukrainian navy to detect mines, attack enemies using guns or knives attached to their heads, and plant bombs on ships ...

Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76, was elected to the papacy yesterday, becoming the first Latin American and the first Jesuit pontiff in the Vatican ...

A new series of 19 animated shorts featuring 85-year-old Disney icon Mickey Mouse, which will be set in modern-day versions of New York, Paris, Beijing ...

Fans of the UPN and CW show Veronica Mars, which aired from 2004 to 2007, set a record on the fundraising site Kickstarter, contributing more ...

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney’s shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against ...

The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to ...

We accidentally called the tomato a vegetable in Monday’s issue, when actually the tomato can be whatever you want it to be.

The Onion would like to apologize in advance for tomorrow’s mistake, which is going to be a doozy.

Lifetime 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT When voluptuous neighbor Bathsheba decides to take a steamy outdoor bath, will King David be able ...

TLC 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Returning champ Kenny faces stiff competition this week from some impossibly thick-limbed challengers.

National Geographic 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Moody teenage host Grant Brock takes you to a few aquatic locales only a gay ...

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Louie Anderson, and other celebrities compete to see which one has the most mismanaged ...

A group of eighth-graders will be meeting in the girls’ bathroom at Lincoln Middle School around third period to discuss the meanest possible thing they ...

The winning team of the upcoming Mill Valley Peewee T-Ball Tournament will get a pizza party at the Little Caesars with cake and several two-liter ...

There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.

Vikings Trade Unhappy Receiver For Disappointed First Round Draft Pick

CC Sabathia Finds Hot Dog From Last Season In Glove

Adrian Peterson Wondering If Vikings Plan To Trade Any Star Running Backs, Too

Peyton Manning Casually Mentions He Hasn’t Had Feeling In Neck Since Week 3 Of Last Season

Weeping 22-Year-Olds Upset They Lost Something Called The 'Summit League'

Husky-Voiced Woman Has A Career Coaching Women's Basketball If She Wants It

NASCAR Fan Gets Excited Just Hearing Names Like Mark Martin, Brad Keselowski, Greg Biffle.

Calling his résumé "exceptional," the human resources department at local public relations firm Brink & Tiller called 22-year-old job applicant Corey Wilhelm immediately. Full Story

SEATTLE—Calling his résumé “exceptional” and “like nothing we’ve ever seen,” the human resources department at local public relations firm Brink & Tiller called ...

Court officials complain that it’s too difficult to keep track of every massacre and that recalling one from all the way back in July ...

The Catholic world was rocked today as 76-year-old Pope Francis I announced plans to step down at the end of the month.