Top Headlines

Issue 4911

Saturday, March 23

There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.

Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers

National Geographic 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Moody teenage host Grant Brock takes you to a few aquatic locales only a gay idiot would be dumb enough to enjoy.

Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net

'It Was So Close I Thought It Was Going To Hit The Net, But It Didn’t,' Says Nadal

INDIAN WELLS, CA—In an interview following his 4-6, 6-4, 7-5 victory over Ernests Gulbis at the BNP Paribas Open, Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal recounted hitting a shot during the second set Thursday that went super low over the net.

NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to feature Lena Dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito.

America’s Meatiest Forearms

TLC 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Returning champ Kenny faces stiff competition this week from some impossibly thick-limbed challengers.

14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget

WASHINGTON—At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington ...

Saturday, March 23

The winning team of the upcoming Mill Valley Peewee T-Ball Tournament will get a pizza party at the Little Caesars with cake and several two-liter sodas if you want to get in on that.

Pope Francis Resigns

The Catholic world was rocked today as 76-year-old Pope Francis I announced plans to step down at the end of the month.

Who Is Pope Francis?

After less than 24 hours of deliberation, the College of Cardinals has elected Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina to become the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th leader, who will be the Church’s first-ever South American pope and who...

Pope Insanity MXLV Selected

VATICAN CITY—Following the ceremonial rising of the white smoke and pealing of the St. Peter’s Basilica bells earlier this afternoon, black clouds suddenly darkened the Vatican City sky as Catholic Church officials announced that the College o...

The Bible

Lifetime 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT When voluptuous neighbor Bathsheba decides to take a steamy outdoor bath, will King David be able to hold it together?

Tuesday, March 19

A group of eighth-graders will be meeting in the girls’ bathroom at Lincoln Middle School around third period to discuss the meanest possible thing they could say about Kelly Dixon.

450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture

RED OAK, IA—After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that his weight was becoming a serious health problem, 450-pound local man Dale Carver, 43, reportedly told his physician that he hadn’t come to his appointment for a lecture o...

Singing Dancing Boy Upset

LOS ANGELES –After tuckering himself out this week and cancelling his popular musical shows, sources confirmed that the singing dancing boy is very upset, and is refusing to get dressed up and sing and dance again until he’s feeling all better...
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