POSTON, AZ—Commemorating the internment during World War II of nearly 120,000 innocent Japanese-Americans, U.S. authorities this week reportedly tracked down and apprehended ...
EAGLE POINT, OR—Though local man Bret Kurtsin has had to overcome many personal obstacles since having his legs amputated seven years ago, it has ...
PHOENIX—In a custom that is said to be as old as the digital marketing agency itself, staff members of Thorpe Media listened in rapt ...
JERUSALEM—Coming together for the first time in generations, Palestinian and Israeli citizens were reportedly seen gathered at the West Bank today mocking President Obama ...
WASHINGTON—The United States Supreme Court was rocked by tragedy Thursday when the judicial branch’s longtime sidekick, Kid Justice, was brutally murdered by the ...
COLUMBIA, SC—Citing “very strong evidence” that includes his mother saving several of her research papers from the course and how she often mentions how ...
VATICAN CITY—Less than a week after succeeding Pope Benedict XVI as the next Bishop of Rome and inheriting a deeply divided Catholic Church, Pope ...
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—As a due punishment for the animal having incorrectly predicted an early spring, local residents gathered in a public square today to bear ...
WASHINGTON—In a decision with far-reaching implications for the thick-drink industry, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that it is relaxing the standards all ...
LOS ANGELES—Saying that it would likely be amusing and very popular, actor Macaulay Culkin told reporters Tuesday that he hopes staff writers at the ...
NEW YORK—An absolutely terrible manuscript written by local aspiring novelist Brandon Heath reported today that “Chapter 1: Clark.” “It was late autumn, the leaves ...
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Moments after stepping out from Air Force One Wednesday, President Barack Obama reportedly greeted Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at Ben Gurion International ...
LOS ANGELES—Shortly after local high school senior Jeremy Feldman’s YouTube video asking actress Scarlett Johansson to his prom went viral Tuesday, the Lost ...
JERUSALEM—While touring Israel’s “Iron Dome” all-weather missile defense system Wednesday, President Barack Obama sarcastically asked Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu where he got all ...
JERUSALEM—Participants on Taglit Shorashim’s Israel Experience trip reported Wednesday that a special bond was clearly forming between President Barack Obama, 51, and Cleveland-area ...
SAN BRUNO, CA—The Silicon Valley headquarters of YouTube reportedly erupted in cheers shortly after 10 a.m. local time Thursday as the popular video-sharing ...
ODESSA, TX—In the midst of yet another embarrassing clean-up, local woman Melissa Crosby, 43, told reporters Thursday that her old refrigerator has completely lost ...
HORNELL, NY—The identity of the mysterious gentleman whose amorous attentions have of late been accorded to local lady Kelly Gabbert was at last revealed ...
In his first visit to Israel as president, Barack Obama will meet with the Middle Eastern nation’s top leaders over the next three days ...
The first issue of the famed Marvel Comics title The Amazing Spider-Man debuted on store shelves in March 1963.
Aries It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent ...
$34.41 (-$2.03) (-5.57%) Shares plummeted after CFO Timothy Sloan realized he forgot to compound everyone’s interest yesterday.
SHEBOYGAN, WI—Lifelong Packers fan and 33-year-old Sheboygan bartender Peter Cooke told reporters Sunday that his nine-month-old Packers fan blog—which just received its 1 ...
JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Ending months of speculation and rumors, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn announced on their personal Facebook pages Monday ...
JOPLIN, MO—Expressing frustration over being “hounded nonstop,” 28-year-old junior analyst Harrison Jacobsen complained to reporters Wednesday that his boss at Baines Marketing has been ...
NEW YORK—Seemingly staring into the depths of the very future itself, prophetic CBS college basketball analyst Verne Lundquist reportedly harnessed an unfathomable power Thursday ...
PHILADELPHIA—The first-round NCAA tournament game between 2nd-seeded Duke and 15th-seeded Albany ended in sensational fashion Friday after a buzzer sounded at the very last ...
CHARLOTTE, NC—Attempting to put together an offensive play during last night’s matchup against the Detroit Pistons, the Charlotte Bobcats’ starting five got lost ...
With March Madness entering a state of frenzy, Onion Sports examines the best and most interesting teams in the 2013 NCAA Tournament.
Tracy spends some time on a local farm with Ray Kimball, who insists that his horse Franklin has the incredible ability to talk!
According to fossil analysis by Chinese scientists, some of the world’s first birds, which lived 150 to 100 million years ago, used feathered hind ...
Two inmates at a Quebec prison made a dramatic daytime escape yesterday when two outside accomplices booked a local helicopter tour, demanded the pilot fly ...
Following an “autopsy” of the party’s defeat in last year’s presidential election, the Republican National Committee earmarked $10 million to bring the party ...
Over a dozen explosions were reported in Baghdad today with more than 50 confirmed dead on the tenth anniversary of the U.S.-led invasion ...
New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is advancing a new initiative that would prevent tobacco products from being visibly displayed in city stores, forcing shopkeepers ...
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said that renewing a ban on assault weapons, a key provision of the gun control package sought by President ...
Militants in Gaza fired two rockets into an Israeli border city ahead of President Barack Obama’s speech in Jerusalem urging Israelis and Palestinians to ...
British actor Sir Ian McKellen, famed for his roles as Gandalf and Magneto, will officiate the wedding of fellow British actor and X-Men costar Sir ...
Astronomers determined that the universe is actually 13.8 billion years old, about 80 to 100 million years older than previously believed, and that it ...
Dear The Onion, I’ve fallen on hard times economically. Could you find it in your heart to reimburse me for the cost of this ...
Dear The Onion, I found a great place to put old, rusty trucks. You want in? Bernard Hodges, Midland, TX
President Obama and Rachel Goldstein really hit it off during a group trip to Israel, a man with strong brand loyalty is willing to kill ...
This single-room unit is not so much housing as a protective casing, a place where one is put away when not in use.
Hey, remember the house in that show Home Improvement? Well, it wasn’t a set; it was an actual house.
Fans Of Backup Tight Ends Eagerly Monitor Second Week Of NFL Free Agent Signings
Naive 1-Seed Thinks It Has Shot At Going All The Way
Bulls Claim Derek Rose Looking Much More Comfortable On Bench
Christian Laettner Talked About
Pittsburgh Murder Rate Drastically Lower Since Steelers Released James Harrison
All This Talk About NCAA Tournament Making Local Sparrow Hungry For Seeds
The latest viral sensation erupted across YouTube today as a recently uploaded video featuring a solitary man softly weeping into his palms garnered over 50 ...
Federal, state, and local law enforcement officials are reportedly on high alert today after a group of dangerous sociopaths entered the chambers of Congress, posing ...
In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at ...
According to statements made this week by office manager Caitlin Mooney, 26, her friends are all so funny that they should be comedians.
NEW YORK—The latest viral sensation erupted across YouTube today as a recently uploaded video featuring a solitary man softly weeping into his palms garnered ...
WASHINGTON—Federal, state, and local law enforcement officials are reportedly on high alert today after a group of dangerous sociopaths entered the chambers of Congress ...
LONGMONT, CO—In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his ...
BENTON HARBOR, MI—According to statements made this week by office manager Caitlin Mooney, 26, her friends are all so funny that they should be ...
Congressman Ryan is defending his extreme budget plan, which includes proposals that Americans make their own toothpaste and cut their own hair, just like he ...
In a rare, candid interview, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted he regrets that he couldn’t produce more casualties in the decade-long conflict.
CERN researchers confirm that they have finally identified the elusive Higgs Boson particle and destroyed it forever.
After more than four decades of writing and directing paeans to New York City, Woody Allen finds a city that he loves even more.
Former Navy SEAL Jake Shrapnel utilizes some old tricks to track down and save his kidnapped daughter, Katie Shrapnel.
In this charming, beautifully rendered Pixar tale, a lonely 9-year-old orphan befriends an upbeat cartoon matchbox named Flamey and becomes a pyromaniac.
All is normal in the sleepy seaside hamlet of Candlebluff, in which the town’s residents continue to live, laugh, and love in spite of ...
Note: quality may vary depending on local projectionists’ imagination, hand dexterity, and variety of silly voices.
