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Issue 4912

Charlotte Bobcats Get Lost While Driving To Basket

CHARLOTTE, NC—Attempting to put together an offensive play during last night’s matchup against the Detroit Pistons, the Charlotte Bobcats’ starting five got lost while driving to the basket, team sources confirmed Sunday.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

2013 NCAA Teams To Watch

With March Madness entering a state of frenzy, Onion Sports examines the best and most interesting teams in the 2013 NCAA Tournament.

Amputee Inspires Others Not To Lose Limbs

EAGLE POINT, OR—Though local man Bret Kurtsin has had to overcome many personal obstacles since having his legs amputated seven years ago, it has been said that his greatest achievement may lie in what he has given to others: the inspiration not to ...

Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel

In his first visit to Israel as president, Barack Obama will meet with the Middle Eastern nation’s top leaders over the next three days in an effort to renew ties with the U.S.’ longstanding ally.

Place

This single-room unit is not so much housing as a protective casing, a place where one is put away when not in use.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

Aries It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit. Taurus You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of...

'Chapter 1: Clark,' Reports Awful Manuscript

NEW YORK—An absolutely terrible manuscript written by local aspiring novelist Brandon Heath reported today that “Chapter 1: Clark.” “It was late autumn, the leaves on the trees were a brilliant, blazing red, and Clark Thurman was g...

FDA Relaxes Definition Of Smoothie

WASHINGTON—In a decision with far-reaching implications for the thick-drink industry, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that it is relaxing the standards all chilled, blended fruit beverages must meet in order to be labeled a smoothi...
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