The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 1, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4913

Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl

An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.

Best MLB Stadiums

With opening day rapidly approaching, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the greatest ballparks in Major League Baseball.

Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks

WASHINGTON—In an emotionally charged press conference addressing gun control legislation, NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre delivered a tearful speech Wednesday honoring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background chec...

Jeff Fitzgerald Sr. 

Now that Jeff Fitzgerald Sr., 82, has passed away due to a respiratory infection, Jeff Junior would just like to be called Jeff.

Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage

This week, the Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, bringing the question of legalizing gay marriage to the national forefront.

Mom Hasn't Ordered Favorite Pizza Topping In Over A Decade

'It's Spinach, They Won't Let Me,' Mom Says

WEXFORD, PA—Saying that “it’s fine, really,” local mother Catherine Reynolds told reporters Wednesday that she has not been able to order her favorite pizza topping, spinach, in nearly 12 years.

Denny Hamlin's Spine Bone Done Busted

FONTANA, CA—Following a collision on the final lap at the Auto Club 400 last weekend, NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin has done busted his ol’ spine bone, racing team medical staff confirmed Wednesday.

Judith Norris

Judith Norris 70, died in a car accident Friday, much to the chagrin of the heart disease that had been trying to kill her for years.

NIT's Exclusive Eight Vie For Coveted Spots In Last Four

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Excitement over college basketball’s National Invitation Tournament reached a fever pitch Tuesday as the teams of the Exclusive Eight prepared to play for the chance to compete in next week’s Last Four at Madison Squa...

Jerry Sandusky Pretty Charming In Interview

NEW YORK—In a recent interview aired on The Today Show, serial child molester Jerry Sandusky came across as a likable and really quite charming individual, sources told reporters Tuesday.

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2013

Aries Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story. Taurus It doesn’t take a ro...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 25, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Guns, Germs Jared Diamond (Simon & Schuster, $22.95) In this abridged version of his bestseller, Diamond takes out all the parts about steel. 11/22/83 Stephen King (Scribn...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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