QUEENS, NY—The Robert Mapplethorpe Children’s Museum officially opened its doors to the public Tuesday, drawing over 1,000 visitors with its interactive exhibits ...

This week, the United States Supreme Court heard arguments in a pair of cases whose outcomes will have a profound impact on homosexual rights in ...

LENEXA, KS—Hundreds gathered for a somber memorial service Thursday in honor of Stuart D’Abarno, 31, a firefighter killed in a residential blaze whom ...

STOCKTON, CA—In an effort to make his children’s upcoming weekend visit to his apartment more fun, divorced man and father of two Peter ...

BURLINGTON, VT—Complaining of patchiness and uneven color, area man Matthew Cruickshank, 34, told reporters Monday that he has always had trouble growing a full ...

ITHACA, NY—Looking visibly uncomfortable, Barnes & Noble customer Paul Gannon, 36, confirmed Saturday that a group of teenagers sitting against, and hovering around, the Graphic ...

EVENSVILLE, TN—According to sources at local public relations firm Dolan-Cassidy, employee Ian Novak, 38, is positively basking in the solitary week of importance he ...

LOS ANGELES—Following a recent spate of fan campaigns to revive canceled television series through the crowd-funding website Kickstarter, the cast of the short-lived NBC ...

SAN FRANCISCO—Users of the popular reference website Wikipedia were reportedly surprised this week upon discovering that the online encyclopedia contained no entry for Beatles ...

PYONGYANG—As the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday on the constitutionality of banning same-sex marriage, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un told reporters that ...

WASHINGTON—Listening to oral arguments Wednesday regarding the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act, all nine Supreme Court justices were reportedly moved to tears ...

NEW YORK—Speaking with reporters Tuesday after emptying another box of fan mail into the dumpster behind his Manhattan apartment, CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper ...

WASHINGTON—Citing that a majority of Americans are irresponsible, easily distracted people who have little regard for other human beings, a new Department of Transportation ...

WEXFORD, PA—Saying that “it’s fine, really,” local mother Catherine Reynolds told reporters Wednesday that she has not been able to order her favorite ...

CHICAGO—Expanding on its collection of over 30,000 aquatic animals, Chicago’s John G. Shedd Aquarium opened its new “Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific ...

WASHINGTON—In an emotionally charged press conference addressing gun control legislation, NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre delivered a tearful speech Wednesday honoring the thousands of ...

JACKSON, MI—Citing a wish to maintain the quality of life for residents across the state, the Mississippi Senate on Thursday passed a bill outlawing ...

APPLETON, WI—Weeks after stepping out in London with musician Tom Odell, sources confirmed that country crooner Taylor Swift has split with the British heartthrob ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Weeks after the irredeemably insipid film underperformed domestically, executives at Paramount Pictures said Friday they were cautiously optimistic that audiences overseas would be ...

ATLANTA—Addressing attendees gathered for this week’s TEDxEvolution Conference, al-Qaeda head Ayman al-Zawahiri delivered an informative and engrossing TEDTalk on the state of worldwide ...

In recent weeks, North Korea has invalidated its 1953 armistice and threatened a preemptive nuclear strike on the U.S.

This week, the Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, bringing the question of legalizing gay ...

Aries Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given ...

$181.17 (+$18.79) (11.57%) Stocks surged today after technologists at Panera Laboratories discovered a breakthrough process to fuse Tuscan with Asiago.

OAKLAND—In an effort to provide guidance to a teammate, Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly created a helpful 435-item list Monday, detailing aspects of ...

NEW YORK—In a recent interview aired on The Today Show, serial child molester Jerry Sandusky came across as a likable and really quite charming ...

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Excitement over college basketball’s National Invitation Tournament reached a fever pitch Tuesday as the teams of the Exclusive Eight prepared to play ...

FONTANA, CA—Following a collision on the final lap at the Auto Club 400 last weekend, NASCAR driver Denny Hamlin has done busted his ol ...

INDIANAPOLIS—With 22 seconds remaining in the first half of Friday’s Louisville-Oregon Sweet 16 matchup, CBS color commentator Clark Kellogg has reportedly mentioned the ...

NEW YORK—Following his blockbuster move from the Los Angeles Angels, outfielder Vernon Wells admitted Thursday that he is apprehensive about fitting in with his ...

PHILADELPHIA—Following yet another season-ending knee surgery, Philadelphia 76ers center Andrew Bynum openly wondered Sunday if he will ever have the chance to completely waste ...

With opening day rapidly approaching, Onion Sports provides a helpful guide to the greatest ballparks in Major League Baseball.

On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and ...

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revised upward its estimate of the number of children in the United States with autism, stating that 1 ...

Philanthropist and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 grant to anyone who can reinvent the condom to make protected sex more ...

The Supreme Court will hear arguments today challenging the constitutionality of California’s gay marriage ban, while tomorrow’s hearings will focus on benefits denied ...

Italy’s highest court ordered the retrial of American exchange student Amanda Knox and her Italian former boyfriend on charges they murdered Knox’s British ...

According to new data from the trade publication Beverage Digest, Americans purchased 9.17 billion cases of soda in 2012, the lowest level of sales ...

Police responded to reports yesterday that Justin Bieber threatened and attacked his neighbor after the latter voiced concerns that the 19-year-old pop star had been ...

North Dakota governor Jack Dalrymple signed the most restrictive abortion law in the country Tuesday, banning the procedure after the first fetal heartbeat is detected ...

A South African court agreed to return Oscar Pistorius’ passport, allowing the paralympic sprinter, who is accused of shooting his girlfriend to death, to leave ...

A court awarded a paralyzed man $8,000 for the inconvenience he suffered while trapped for over 30 minutes on the “It’s A Small ...

A group funded by local gun enthusiasts’ donations announced plans to provide free shotguns to citizens in troubled sections of Tucson, AZ, the site of ...

The popular HBO fantasy drama Game of Thrones, based on the series of best-selling novels by George R.R.

LeBron James and the Miami Heat had their 27-game win streak—the second longest in NBA history—snapped Wednesday night after a 101-97 loss to ...

An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang ...

Last Sunday’s recipe for Aunt Carol’s Spicy Sausage Chili should have included a list of ingredients and instructions for preparing the chili instead ...

Please ignore the last 4,300 corrections. Turns out we were right after all.

Judith Norris 70, died in a car accident Friday, much to the chagrin of the heart disease that had been trying to kill her for ...

Now that Jeff Fitzgerald Sr., 82, has passed away due to a respiratory infection, Jeff Junior would just like to be called Jeff.

Mark died.

Cheerful Tiger Woods Comes Bounding Into Sex Addiction Therapy This Week

Interest In Fantasy Baseball Wanes Midway Through Draft

Ray Allen Beginning To Feel Guilty About Winning Another Title This Way

Nationals Carefully Laminate Stephen Strasburg

All This Talk About NCAA Tournament Making Local Sparrow Hungry For Seeds

Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 ...

Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates ...

CHICAGO—Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10 ...

CLINTON, NY—Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Guns, Germs Jared Diamond (Simon & Schuster, $22.95) In this abridged version ...

The pregnant starlet has finished reading her long-awaited first book and is currently traveling the country to promote the John Grisham thriller to her fans.