The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 8, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4914

Most Gruesome Sports Injuries

Onion Sports examines some of the most horrendous and appalling injuries in the history of athletics. 776 BC: Sprinter Phidias eaten during race by Zeus in the form of a giant crow 1985: Joe Theismann suffers a career-ending injury a...

Roger Ebert Hails Human Existence As 'A Triumph'

CHICAGO—Calling the overall human experience “poignant,” “thought-provoking,” and a “complete tour de force,” film critic Roger Ebert praised existence Thursday as “an audacious and thrilling triumph.”

Unstable Man Plots To Bring Guns To Schools

FAIRFAX, VA—According to sources, local man Wayne LaPierre, an individual with a long history of unstable and dangerous behavior, revealed a detailed plot this week to bring semiautomatic weapons into schools.

Man Wishes Computer Could Do Thing It Already Can Do

RICHMOND, VA—Though confirming he is mostly satisfied with his newly acquired Mac desktop, local man Peter Selwyn said Wednesday he is disappointed that it is unable to do something that in fact every modern computer, including his own, is already c...

History Licking Its Chops To Judge George W. Bush

'Let Me At That Fucker,' Says Branch Of Knowledge

CRAWFORD, TX—Claiming it can barely wait any longer to weigh in on the former president’s eight years in office, history, the branch of knowledge consisting of the recorded past, reported today that it’s licking its chops to render a def...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.

Jake Fangol and Elizabeth Geder

Jake Fangol and Elizabeth Geder couldn’t believe they could hire the Squirrel Nut Zippers to play their reception, but went with a DJ instead.

Don’t Get Too Excited

FOX 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Contestants battle each other in a game of wits and brawn for a chance to win $1,000,000, but don’t freak out; they hardly ever get it.

STD Had Awesome Time On Spring Break

PANAMA CITY, FL—Following a weeklong vacation in Florida, local sexually transmitted disease gonorrhea announced it had an awesome time during this year’s spring break.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

WASHINGTON—While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expres...

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

'That Seems About Right,' Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man

CAMDEN, MN—While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran, a blog writer who will shortly be audited by the Internal Revenue Service, announced that his calcul...

President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization

WASHINGTON—In a symbolic ceremony celebrating the signature legislative achievement of his administration, President Barack Obama personally euthanized terminal cancer patient Shirley Hunnicutt, 73, at George Washington Memorial Hospital Tuesday in ...

Yankee Players Boo When A-Rod Shown On Jumbotron

NEW YORK—A chorus of boos accompanied by shouts of “You suck!” “Get out of town, asshole!” and “Die!” could be heard from the New York Yankees dugout Monday when Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez was briefly sh...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 2, 2013

Aries Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months. Taurus The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your de...

The Thousand-Year Curse

ABC 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT A gypsy put a curse on a family that wronged her, but they’ve still got another 994 years or so before it kicks in.

Features Of Google Glass

Eight thousand contest winners were selected by Google last week to test out the company’s new internet-connected mobile device known as Google Glass, which is worn like a pair of eyeglasses.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.