WASHINGTON—In a symbolic ceremony celebrating the signature legislative achievement of his administration, President Barack Obama personally euthanized terminal cancer patient Shirley Hunnicutt, 73, at ...

CRAWFORD, TX—Claiming it can barely wait any longer to weigh in on the former president’s eight years in office, history, the branch of ...

MINNEAPOLIS—Shortly after it was purchased this week from a Bed, Bath, and Beyond and set beside the Smith family’s kitchen sink, a coarse ...

ORLANDO, FL—Saying they were working diligently to address the problem, Walt Disney World officials acknowledged Wednesday that several dozen unauthorized characters, none of which ...

CHICAGO—Calling the overall human experience “poignant,” “thought-provoking,” and a “complete tour de force,” film critic Roger Ebert praised existence Thursday as “an audacious and ...

WASHINGTON—Following the Bird Supreme Court’s decisive 7-2 ruling to overturn the avian world’s longstanding anti-abortion law, millions of birds across the nation ...

LOS ANGELES—After an extended hiatus, HBO’s Game Of Thrones kicked off its third season last night with a scene featuring every one of ...

SOUTH BEND, IN—In an exceedingly depressing review posted Monday on the popular website Yelp, a user identified as Gregg4 gave five stars to local ...

CENTENNIAL, CO—Shortly after seeing yet another news article today describing him as an alleged mass shooter, frustrated Aurora theater gunman James Holmes urged the ...

PHNOM PENH—Wiping blood from his hands as he spoke with reporters Monday, U.S. ambassador to Cambodia William E.

CAMDEN, MN—While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran ...

PANAMA CITY, FL—Following a weeklong vacation in Florida, local sexually transmitted disease gonorrhea announced it had an awesome time during this year’s spring ...

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu ...

RICHMOND, VA—Though confirming he is mostly satisfied with his newly acquired Mac desktop, local man Peter Selwyn said Wednesday he is disappointed that it ...

FAIRFAX, VA—According to sources, local man Wayne LaPierre, an individual with a long history of unstable and dangerous behavior, revealed a detailed plot this ...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Local 88-year-old widower Willard Baskin announced his interest Wednesday in the dollfaced, sclerotic little number who lives down the hall from him at ...

DUPONT, WA—Onlookers were left incredibly bewildered Thursday after coming across an inexplicable roadside memorial that featured only a bicycle, a rotary telephone, and some ...

WASHINGTON—While tucking in his daughters as they settled into bed Tuesday evening, President Barack Obama reportedly kissed the two children gently on the forehead ...

PYONGYANG—Ri Sol-ju, wife of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un, opened up to reporters Thursday about her husband’s warmongering, saying that the Dear Leader ...

A shopper laid the buy down on a seven-piece set of Hampton Bay patio furniture at Home Depot's Spring Black Friday event.

SOUTHERN MONGOLIA—After failing to arrive at his destination in the Middle East this week for diplomatic talks with state leaders, sources confirmed that U ...

SAGINAW, MI—In a tentative attempt to test the waters a bit, local 12-year-old Connor Bartlett told reporters that he took a chance on saying ...

CHICAGO—Not long after he happened to pass through a bustling office Friday morning, stock-photo model scout Andrew Sheeran revealed to colleagues that he had ...

NEW YORK—After concluding its fifth season last June with Don Draper and company facing new personal and professional challenges, the critically acclaimed AMC series ...

Eight thousand contest winners were selected by Google last week to test out the company’s new internet-connected mobile device known as Google Glass, which ...

Aries Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months. Taurus The loneliness you feel ...

$36.02 (+$1.43) (+4.13%) Investors responded positively to the unveiling of Jack’s new head, which is 10 times larger and features terrifyingly ...

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that there are plenty of dumb-as-fuck NFL franchises, Raiders general manager Reggie McKenzie reportedly expressed confidence Wednesday that some dipshit team would ...

NEW YORK—A chorus of boos accompanied by shouts of “You suck!” “Get out of town, asshole!” and “Die!” could be heard from the New ...

INDIANAPOLIS—After suffering a gruesome compound fracture during last weekend’s NCAA Midwest Regional final, Louisville guard Kevin Ware has been constantly rewatching a minute-long ...

SARASOTA, FL—After more than 30 years in the broadcast booth, Fox Sports MLB commentator Tim McCarver announced his retirement last week in an incoherent ...

WAYNESBURG, PA—Calling the conduct “shocking and disgraceful,” former Penn State football coach and convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky expressed his outrage Tuesday over ...

IRVING, TX—In an effort to prevent the multiple championship–viewing player from reaching free agency, the Dallas Cowboys announced this week that the team ...

NEW YORK—With the increasing likelihood that an active NFL player will announce his homosexuality before the start of the 2012-2013 NFL season, players across ...

RALEIGH, NC—Local homophobic man Trent Wesley, 43, announced Friday that any gay players currently on NFL rosters must be completely unknown special teams guys ...

Onion Sports examines some of the most horrendous and appalling injuries in the history of athletics. 776 BC: Sprinter Phidias eaten during race by Zeus ...

Watch an all new episode of Today NOW! this Thursday exclusively at theonion.com.

The bestselling author of “The Spooky Truth” series wants to teach kids that pulling back the curtain on what the government doesn’t want us ...

A man is in custody in San Jose, CA after he struck two cars with his Oldsmobile in a Wal-Mart parking lot Sunday, drove through ...

While admitting the Vatican would not change its opposition to same-sex marriage, Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan said the Church should be more welcoming ...

A Democratic state senator and Republican city councilman were arrested today on charges they planned to rig the upcoming mayoral election in New York by ...

Eleven percent of American children between the ages of 4 and 17 have received a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, with two-thirds of those ...

Princess Christina Of Spain will face charges of corruption stemming from an investigation into her husband, a former Olympic handball player, who allegedly overcharged local ...

Pixar announced that it will release a sequel to the hit 2003 animated movie Finding Nemo in November 2015, which will be called Finding Dory ...

Following debacles surrounding his initial takeover of The Tonight Show in 1992 and his brief retirement from the post in 2009, Jay Leno confirmed yesterday ...

Showing his solidarity with federal employees who have been furloughed due to sequestration budget cuts, President Barack Obama decided to return 5 percent of his ...

According to the Pew Research Center, 52 percent of Americans are now in favor of legalizing marijuana while only 45 percent oppose it, marking the ...

Dear The Onion, It’s really hard to get a letter published in The New Yorker. So I have enclosed all my thoughts on Gore ...

Dear The Onion, Your advertising doesn’t work on me! Ha ha ha! Nicole Howe, Trenton, NJ

ABC 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT A gypsy put a curse on a family that wronged her, but they’ve ...

FOX 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Contestants battle each other in a game of wits and brawn for a chance to win ...

CW 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT It never hurts to scroll through the resumes of every CW employee in primetime every once ...

Bravo 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT A new reality series from the creators of I Can’t Find My Keys.

Jake Fangol and Elizabeth Geder couldn’t believe they could hire the Squirrel Nut Zippers to play their reception, but went with a DJ instead.

Laroy Hoard and Michelle Carter were married in the presence of God before going home to screw.

After seven years of dating, Andrea Lynch finally convinced Brett Kearns he couldn’t do any better.

Kevin Kolb Announces Road To Drafting Quarterback In First Round Goes Through Buffalo

Kyle Singler Keeps Pistons Playoff Hopes Alive With Power Of Imagination

Team That Plays Game Right Way Loses

Tom Brady Cuts Danny Amendola's Hair To Look Just Like Wes Welker's

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts ...

WASHINGTON—While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the ...