Alfonso Soriano Spotted At White Sox Game After Calling In Sick To Work

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Issue 4915

Peyton Manning Comes Out As Gay For Football

DENVER—In a stunning revelation Friday that sent shockwaves through the NFL, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning announced during an emotional press conference that he is gay for football. “For many years I’ve struggled with hiding this s...

Greatest Masters Moments Of All Time

With the 2013 Masters underway, Onion Sports examines the most impressive feats in the history of the prestigious golf tournament. 1934: Horton Smith becomes the first white man to win the prestigious golf tournament 1960: Needing to...

D Battery Elected To Philadelphia Sports Hall Of Fame

PHILADELPHIA—A voting panel of journalists and prominent sports figures elected the D battery to the Philadelphia Sports Hall of Fame Sunday, honoring the alkaline storage cell’s many achievements in pelting players from visiting teams.

Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris

CHICAGO—According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something. The couple...

Stripper Thinks Customer Flirting With Her

PROVIDENCE, RI—Noting his furtive glances, suggestive body language, and the fact that he’s been laughing at all of her jokes, local exotic dancer Mandy Galloway, 26, told reporters Wednesday that she believes a customer at the Foxy Lady strip...

Website's New Layout Feels Like Deepest Betrayal

SPOKANE, WA—After visiting feminist news and culture blog Jezebel Wednesday morning, local woman Rebecca Lovett, 29, reported feeling “betrayal’s stinging lance” upon discovering the website had undergone a layout redesign.

JCPenney CEO's Severance Package Includes 34,000 Pea Coats

PLANO, TX—Following this morning’s announcement that JCPenney is ousting CEO Ron Johnson after just 17 months, members of the department store chain’s board assured the public the executive will receive an ample severance package that wi...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 9, 2013

Aries You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days. Taurus The lion shall lay down with the lamb t...

China Announces Plans To Build International Space Prison

BEIJING—In a highly anticipated announcement that is being met with widespread enthusiasm by Chinese Communist Party officials across the country, the People’s Republic of China unveiled plans Monday to build and operate a new state-of-the-art...

Man Not Certain What Any Of His Coworkers' Names Are

DES MOINES, IA—After nearly two years of employment at Ludnick Publishing, Doug Glickman literally does not know the name of a single one of his 11 coworkers, the 35-year-old department manager admitted to reporters Monday.

NATO Airstrike Destroys Key Taliban Day Care Center

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following weeks of careful planning, NATO officials revealed Monday that an airstrike had successfully destroyed a vital Taliban day care center in eastern Afghanistan, killing over 45 Taliban babies and toddlers.

Major Carnival Cruise Line Disasters

The Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which lost electricity and functioning bathrooms while at sea in February, broke free from its mooring in Mobile, AL last week, marking the latest in a string of high-profile black eyes for the company.
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