LOS ANGELES—After dashing off an indiscernible code on his laptop keyboard and sharply striking the enter key multiple times with his forefinger, a fast-talking ...
WAUKEGAN, IL—Without any concern for what his self-destructive habits are doing to him and to his relationship with the Lord, future born-again Christian Travis ...
MENLO PARK, CA—Dawn breaks across San Francisco Bay, and on this brisk April day the only sound disturbing the morning quiet is the steady ...
BURLINGTON, VT—Citing the loud screeching sounds of milk being steamed in the background, the overly crowded setting, and the fact that a job applicant ...
LOS ANGELES—In anticipation of the release today of 42, the new Jackie Robinson biopic, moviegoers speculated that the film about the first African-American to ...
CHICAGO—Emitting a wondrous spectrum of glowing, electric hues, local administrative assistant Jerry Offman dazzled coworkers with a futuristic light show Monday morning as he ...
SALIDA, CO—Saying that he’s sick of his native mountainous escarpment and tired of being surrounded by “a bunch of squares,” a local teen ...
CHICAGO—Wearing a cardigan and a thin scarf, freezing woman Melissa Cady, 34, reportedly walked to work in frigid temperatures today following her decision that ...
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Following weeks of careful planning, NATO officials revealed Monday that an airstrike had successfully destroyed a vital Taliban day care center in eastern ...
DES MOINES, IA—After nearly two years of employment at Ludnick Publishing, Doug Glickman literally does not know the name of a single one of ...
PYONGYANG—Amidst escalating tensions between North Korea and the global community, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un expressed concern Tuesday that his ongoing threats of inciting a ...
PLANO, TX—Following this morning’s announcement that JCPenney is ousting CEO Ron Johnson after just 17 months, members of the department store chain’s ...
SPOKANE, WA—After visiting feminist news and culture blog Jezebel Wednesday morning, local woman Rebecca Lovett, 29, reported feeling “betrayal’s stinging lance” upon discovering ...
At a press conference this morning, Vice President Selena Meyer denounced a non-existent Chinese 'International Space Prison', after mistakenly believing a reporter's joke as ...
WASHINGTON—Following months of intense debate in the House and Senate, Congress announced Wednesday the passage of sweeping new legislation requiring Aurora theater shooter James ...
WELLS, NV—According to Lynford family sources, Uncle Jack took a swing at giving Kyle a book for his birthday on Wednesday and struck out ...
MINNEAPOLIS—According to sources, well, well, well, doesn’t this local businessman look very dapper indeed in his fancy little suit and shiny shoes as ...
PROVIDENCE, RI—Noting his furtive glances, suggestive body language, and the fact that he’s been laughing at all of her jokes, local exotic dancer ...
JACKSON HOLE, WY—A team of doctors responsible for the care of Dick Cheney revealed Thursday that for the past few years, the former vice ...
HARRISBURG, PA—After experiencing the intoxicating, extreme high of watching a 56-car freight train pass before his eyes last week, 3-year-old junkie Logan Gunter reportedly ...
EUGENE, OR—The members of local rock band Desert Ashes expect their careers to really take off following a rave write-up in music blog soundandfury ...
LOS ANGELES—Though they harbored serious reservations about his proposed ideas and considered nearly all of them to be formulaic rehashes of story elements and ...
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, though more than a decade has passed since the events of 9/11 ...
MINNEAPOLIS—After packing up his apartment and moving across the country to Minneapolis this weekend, area man Matthew Goddard told reporters that though he has ...
The Carnival cruise ship Triumph, which lost electricity and functioning bathrooms while at sea in February, broke free from its mooring in Mobile, AL last ...
Aries You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering ...
$13.18 (+$1.03) (+8.48%) Investors cheered Bank of America’s latest decision to continue making obscene shitloads of money.
DENVER—In a stunning revelation Friday that sent shockwaves through the NFL, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning announced during an emotional press conference that he is ...
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Following the conclusion of WrestleMania 29, professional wrestling fans confirmed Sunday that the pay-per-view event was spoiled due to the erratic officiating ...
BUFFALO, NY—After signing a two-year contract with the team, quarterback Kevin Kolb revealed Wednesday that he has always dreamt of playing for the Buffalo ...
PHILADELPHIA—A voting panel of journalists and prominent sports figures elected the D battery to the Philadelphia Sports Hall of Fame Sunday, honoring the alkaline ...
BRISTOL, CT—ESPN executives announced Saturday that the next installment in the network’s critically acclaimed 30 For 30 documentary film series will examine the ...
With the 2013 Masters underway, Onion Sports examines the most impressive feats in the history of the prestigious golf tournament. 1934: Horton Smith becomes the ...
The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.
According to a new study, between 2006 and 2010, 48 percent of all women between the ages of 15 and 44 moved in with their ...
According to data from the Department of Transportation, the number of passenger complaints about airline travel soared 20 percent in 2012, with United earning the ...
A strain of avian flu known as H7N9 has infected at least 24 people and killed seven in Eastern China, prompting the government to kill ...
The U.S. Navy announced the successful development of a powerful laser cannon that is capable of taking down drone aircraft, which will be mounted ...
Thieves in the town Bad Hersfeld, Germany stole five and a half tons of the chocolate-hazelnut spread Nutella from a parked semi truck trailer, a ...
Eyeing a launch date in 2019, NASA plans to send a robotic vehicle into space that will capture an asteroid using a “baggie with a ...
The government of Mali will give French president Francois Hollande a “bigger and better-looking” camel as a gift for France’s help in defeating Muslim ...
Members of the Senate reached a bipartisan agreement yesterday to require background checks for buyers in nearly all gun purchases, though firearms sales within families ...
Former Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner of New York, who resigned from office in 2011 after accidentally sharing a photograph of a visible erection in his ...
To draw attention to the vulnerabilities of flight control systems, a security consultant created an app for his Android phone that lets him remotely seize ...
Leading social media site HarvardConnection is now valued at $400 billion, a couple is making out like its fucking Paris, and a freezing coatless woman ...
Every photo credited to photographer Walter Moost that we published during the previous two weeks turned out to be an elaborate drawing.
Bleach should not be consumed. The Onion apologizes for any confusion.
Nation's East Coast Dads To Be Long Asleep Before Tip Off
Bucks Qualify For First Round Elimination From Playoffs
Bill Belichick Leaning Towards Using Rob Gronkowski For Soup Stock
Bill Belichick Leaning Towards Using Rob Gronkowski For Soup Stock
Erik Spoelstra Nodding As If He Taught Them To Do That
Pitcher New To National League Still Learning How To Bunt Without Sticking Face Right Into Path Of Ball
According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench ...
After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions ...
CHICAGO—According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a ...
CHERRY HILL, NJ—After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just ...
Apr. 8–Officers responded to a domestic dispute, but it was one of those lady-attacking-man ones and they didn’t know what to do.
Apr. 9—While shutting down a notorious chop shop on the 1500 block of Beach Street, police also discovered a great new little Thai place ...
Apr.12—Sergeant Tom Flaherty is retiring after 30 years of faithfully serving and protecting the town’s white citizens and most of the Asians.
In this raunchy teen comedy, five socially inept high school buddies are so desperate to lose their virginity that they end up just fucking the ...
The popular sport is finally adapted into a two-hour feature film.
Through a succession of scenes set immediately before and after concerts, the story of the greatest rock band of all time’s formation and rise ...
Using classic archival footage from November 14, 1999, this 90-minute documentary chronicles in real-time what is widely regarded by experts as the best hour and ...
The less exciting prequel to 2006’s The Last Samurai focuses on Japan’s penultimate warrior-noble.
