BOSTON—In the aftermath of yesterday’s bombings at the Boston Marathon, which left three dead and over 100 wounded, authorities announced this morning that ...

ROCHESTER, NY—Citing such examples as his understated eye rolls or how he often delivers a faint, judgment-filled “hmm” after an employee passionately presents an ...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Monday’s terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon, sources reported today the internet had come up with approximately 8.5 ...

WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed ...

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s ...

PAMPLONA, SPAIN—In a dangerous and completely coincidental confluence of events, three vacationing American movie characters were reportedly almost trampled to death when they just ...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following weekend reports that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, local Bieber fan Khloe McNeal, 13, announced ...

ST. LOUIS—Following the deadly explosions Monday that rocked the city of Boston, area man Tom Sifton told reporters he’s getting pretty tired of ...

PENSACOLA, FL—After Monday’s deadly explosions at the Boston Marathon cast a pall over Conner Mason’s 7th birthday celebration, the Mason family reportedly ...

MIDLAND, NM—The suicide note area man Doug Smithfield wrote before leaping to his death from a bridge last week was remarkably upbeat in tone ...

BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take ...

BOSTON—Saying that we spoke too soon and probably should have looked at all the facts and information first before pulling the trigger, The Onion ...

MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American ...

WASHINGTON—Following the Senate’s rejection of a bipartisan amendment to expand background checks for gun buyers, the young victims of next week’s school ...

WASHINGTON—Leaders in the corrugated-cardboard lobby published their annual report card for U.S.

JONESBORO, AR—Claiming to share many of the same personality traits, 28-year-old Matthew Brooks revealed Wednesday that he strongly identifies with the protagonist from his ...

PALO ALTO, CA—Eighteen months after the death of his mentor, Apple CEO Tim Cook was seen Wednesday pounding the tombstone of company founder Steve ...

WASHINGTON—Saying that the last thing he ever wanted to do was ask “311 million mouth-breathing morons” for help, the Federal Bureau of Investigation freely ...

BOSTON—In the midst of a widespread manhunt that has put the city of Boston on lockdown, CNN released a series of photographs today depicting ...

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are now confirming that no news is currently breaking in the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing exhaustive use of the word “breaking” to preface media coverage of today’s ongoing manhunt for one of the alleged Boston Marathon ...

WATERTOWN, MA—According to the latest news breaking from the scene of the ongoing Boston bomber manhunt, sources asked if anyone can ever truly know ...

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to ...

WATERTOWN, MA—Following earlier updates on the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

WATERTOWN, MA—In an important development since our last update, sources can now positively confirm that we are doing a bad job covering the ongoing ...

WASHINGTON—Following FBI reports this morning that the suspects implicated in Monday’s Boston Marathon bombing are of Chechen descent, efforts to thoughtlessly stereotype the ...

KNOXVILLE, TN—According to sources, the man currently purchasing a pair of Nantucket red chinos at a local Banana Republic better be damn well prepared ...

With Monday marking the income tax filing deadline in the U.S., there has been renewed interest in how some of the nation’s top ...

Tax Day is upon us and many Americans have yet to submit their returns. Here’s The Onion’s guide to successfully filing your taxes ...

Invest millions of dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ...

Write gun control legislation. Pass gun control legislation. 

Aries The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn. Taurus After your fourth hospital stay ...

$24.38 (+$0.93) (+3.97%) The porn website continued to perform well this week due to it being a porn website.

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Following the Lakers shooting guard’s surgery to repair a torn Achilles tendon, Kobe Bryant’s family and friends told reporters Friday ...

BALTIMORE—Calling it “a bad part of the field, plain and simple,” Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter told reporters Tuesday that he is terrified of ...

LOS ANGELES—Heading into the final game of the NBA’s regular season, Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni told reporters Wednesday that he is thrilled ...

NEW YORK—After recently acquiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez, center fielder Curtis Granderson, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and shortstop Derek Jeter, the New York Yankees ...

CHICAGO—Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts unveiled a $500 million Wrigley Field renovation proposal Thursday that includes demolishing the clubhouse, bleachers, upper deck, lower deck, as ...

MIAMI—Heading into the team’s first-round matchup against the Milwaukee Bucks, sources confirmed Friday that Miami Heat point guard Mario Chalmers has somehow fallen ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—A district judge granted former Carolina Panther and convicted murderer Rae Carruth a one-day release from his 24-year prison sentence Thursday to allow ...

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players ...

The Rockets battle the Thunder in the first of 783 rounds of the NBA playoffs.

Ryan Jurgens rode the bench most of the season, but when his coach gave him a chance, it really paid off!

Facing sequestration-related budget cuts, the Navy has canceled all appearances of its popular Blue Angels stunt-flying team for the rest of the year, officially grounding ...

While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, pop star Justin Bieber wrote in the museum’s guestbook that the famous diarist and Holocaust victim ...

Overall spending on militaries worldwide fell to $1.75 trillion in 2012, down 0.5 percent from the previous year and marking the first recorded ...

A report by the nonpartisan Constitution Project concluded that the detention and interrogation practices used by the United States following 9/11 amounted to torture ...

A white granular substance identified as ricin, a potentially lethal poison, has been found in suspicious letters that were mailed to President Barack Obama, Sen.

South Florida is struggling to deal with an infestation of invasive giant African land snails, which can grow to the size of rats, readily consume ...

In spite of a bipartisan compromise to impose background checks for nearly all sales of firearms, the Senate failed to reach the 60-vote threshold needed ...

Bradley Cooper, the Oscar-nominated star of Silver Linings Playbook and former People magazine Sexiest Man Alive, admitted that his mother lives in the next room ...

Dear The Onion, Nice try with the coupons for cheese, but I’m sticking to my diet. Tracey Richards, Ft. Worth, TX

Dear The Onion, Your paper is outstanding. It is truly a model for greatness and is the essence of journalistic perfection. And I should know ...

Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is ...

Isabel Grove, 48, listened to a coworker describe her daughter’s leukemia treatments and made a concerned face.

Michael Carpenter managed to sit through his son’s entire T-ball game without once screaming out how easy it is to hit a ball that ...

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.

Dusty Baker Accidentally Leaves Aroldis Chapman Warming Up In Bullpen Overnight

Report: No One's Noticed Scott Burnside’s Been Posting Same NHL Power Rankings For Last 3 Years

Game Going To Come Down To End, Analyst Predicts

Game Going To Come Down To End, Analyst Predicts

Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely ...

A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about ...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Kurt Vonnegut: The Shopping Lists Kurt Vonnegut (HarperCollins, $21.95) Devotees of ...