There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

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Issue 4916

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.

Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception

Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.

BREAKING: We’re Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—In an important development since our last update, sources can now positively confirm that we are doing a bad job covering the ongoing manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

BREAKING: We Might Be Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to the story, numerous sources are now confirming that we might be doing a bad job covering the manhunt for Boston Ma...

BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing?

BREAKING: Still Nothing

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

BREAKING: No News Breaking

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are now confirming that no news is currently breaking in the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

I Won

By Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association

Jesus, This Week

WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed today that, Jesus, this week. This fucking week, sources added. Christ. “Seriously, can we wrap...

Yankees Disabled List Absolutely Stacked

NEW YORK—After recently acquiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez, center fielder Curtis Granderson, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and shortstop Derek Jeter, the New York Yankees disabled list is absolutely stacked this year, sources confirmed Thursday.

Michael Carpenter

Michael Carpenter managed to sit through his son’s entire T-ball game without once screaming out how easy it is to hit a ball that’s not even flying in the air.

Isabel Grove

Isabel Grove, 48, listened to a coworker describe her daughter’s leukemia treatments and made a concerned face.

BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect

Do We Take The Shot? Tweet Us Your Votes

BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take out the Boston Marathon bomber if Twitter users give us enough “yes” votes to do so.

The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

Invest millions of dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ring and the information to come pouring in. Be straight with potential suspects and ask them point-bl...

Suicide Note Surprisingly Upbeat

MIDLAND, NM—The suicide note area man Doug Smithfield wrote before leaping to his death from a bridge last week was remarkably upbeat in tone, family members of the recently deceased 38-year-old confirmed Monday.

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of April 16, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: Kurt Vonnegut: The Shopping Lists Kurt Vonnegut (HarperCollins, $21.95) Devotees of the late writer will love this latest collection of shopping lists he took with him to the g...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of April 16, 2013

Aries The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn. Taurus After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of yo...

This What World Like Now

BOSTON—After Monday’s horrific terror attack at the Boston Marathon that killed three and left hundreds injured, officials confirmed Tuesday that the bombings and senseless violence that followed occurred primarily because this is the kind of ...

Justin Bieber Fan Jealous Of Anne Frank

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following weekend reports that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, local Bieber fan Khloe McNeal, 13, announced Monday that she was ‘jealous’ of the 15-year-old Holocaust victim.

How Corporations Avoid Paying Taxes

With Monday marking the income tax filing deadline in the U.S., there has been renewed interest in how some of the nation’s top corporations manage to pay just a small fraction of their earnings in taxes, sometimes owing nothing at all to the gov...
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Special Coverage



Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre’s future.