BETHESDA, MD—According to a new study released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, for the 25th straight year, violent wolf attacks remain the ...

BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today ...

CANTON, OH—According to reports, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by Wednesday morning to check up on Allen and Brenda Spearing, a financially strapped ...

PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working ...

DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake ...

DALLAS—After taking an “eye-opening” tour of the newly dedicated George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas Thursday, President Barack Obama reportedly ordered ...

MODESTO, CA—Speaking with reporters before a game Monday, local Little Leaguer Nathan Garrett expressed his heartfelt wish that, just once, his unemployed father could ...

CHICAGO—With the long-awaited series debut of Amazon Studios’ Onion News Empire poised to set the world of online entertainment ablaze today, sources close to ...

BOSTON—After fellow students at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth expressed surprise at Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged role in last week ...

NEW YORK—Claiming that it “somehow totally slipped [his] mind,” NBC CEO Steve Burke suddenly remembered Monday that he had meant to cancel the weekly ...

BOSTON—Following a string of highly publicized breakups, sources confirmed today that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is now dating the 22-foot Watertown, MA Sea Hawk pleasure ...

ANDERSON, IN—While he was selling mentally unstable customer Bernie Lovell a brand-new hunting rifle earlier this afternoon, local gun show vendor Mark Palmer joked ...

BOSTON—In a CNN segment titled “The Healing Power of Sports,” a visibly angered Wolf Blitzer reportedly decked a Boston man Sunday who claimed that ...

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 54 percent of Americans now turn around whenever they hear ...

WASHINGTON—According to an announcement Tuesday by the Surgeon General’s office, the “cinnamon challenge”—a new fad in which teens attempt to swallow spoonfuls ...

WAUKEGAN, IL—After learning Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev had been hiding inside a boat parked in a Massachusetts man’s backyard, 46-year-old Ethan ...

BLUE SPRINGS, MO—Holding onto their order forms and making last-minute adjustments to their outfits and hair, students at Blue Springs Senior High lined up ...

NEW YORK—Mere weeks after Vitaminwater launched its wildly popular “Make Boring Brilliant” ad campaign, Americans everywhere are reportedly at a loss to explain the ...

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Saying they had reached a point in their relationship where they were comfortable around each other at all times, local couple Adam ...

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by the Brookings Institution, actress, singer, and comedienne extraordinaire Bette Midler is finally back on The ...

WASHINGTON—Currency-themed website KurrencyKook.com weighed in on the Department of the Treasury’s soon-to-be-released 2013 line of $100 bills with a decidedly mixed review ...

LOS ANGELES—Picketing outside a cemetery in Los Angeles today, members of the Westboro Baptist Church confirmed to reporters that they actually aren’t entirely ...

WATERVILLE, ME—The ongoing divorce of Julia Blanchard and Russell Ochoa has been pretty rough on the screen door that leads from their house to ...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that every affluent child in America has the right to a well-balanced brunch, the U.S.

Apple’s innovative online music and media store iTunes will turn 10 years old on Friday. Here are some of the most notable milestones in ...

Aries This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just ...

$42.51 (+$1.36) (+3.30%) Attendees of the oil company’s annual shareholder meeting applauded after CEO Bob Dudley announced he doesn’t give ...

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening ...

SAN ANTONIO—Following the Lakers’ 91-79 loss in Game 1 of their playoff series, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged his opponents Tuesday not ...

TOWSON, MD—Kim Kiper proudly displayed her husband’s 2013 NFL mock draft on the refrigerator door Wednesday, claiming that the 52-year-old football analyst worked ...

NEW YORK—Moments before launching into a long diatribe about the 2013 NFL Draft’s top defensive backs, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King’s wife ...

NEW YORK—Ending any speculation about the top pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Nebraska Pioneers have reportedly informed Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te ...

NEW YORK—After several minutes of intense negotiations, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid agreed to trade the team’s No.

MILWAUKEE—While attending Thursday’s first-round playoff matchup between the Miami Heat and the Milwaukee Bucks, frustrated fans repeatedly urged their hometown team to stop ...

LOS ANGELES—After losing the first two games of their first-round playoff series against the Spurs, Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni reportedly called Phil Jackson ...

NEW YORK—Multiple reports from within the New York Yankees clubhouse confirmed Saturday that team officials have warned shortstop Eduardo Nunez to stop showing up ...

BOSTON—One inning into Sunday’s game between the Houston Astros and the Boston Red Sox, sources confirmed that the Astros’ television broadcasting crew has ...

Conventional draft wisdom says to take the best player available, but sometimes a team needs something different.

Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft

Watch Onion News Empire, Episode 1 now.

NASA's Kepler space telescope has located two planets 1,200 light years away that are in the so-called Goldilocks zone of their solar system ...

While her husband was receiving a DUI Friday, Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she disobeyed officers’ orders to stay in the car ...

Analyzing the effects of long-term space travel, Russia launched a capsule into orbit containing mice, geckos, gerbils, snails, fish, and a variety of microogranisms, which ...

Canadian authorities apprehended two individuals who allegedly planned to cause a derailment on a passenger train traveling from Toronto to New York City, a plot ...

The British agency that maintains Stonehenge, the ring of large stones believed to have been erected between 4,000 and 5,000 years ago, has ...

Just days after Star magazine declared her the “Most Hated Celebrity,” People magazine named actress Gwyneth Paltrow as the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” for ...

An analysis of obituaries appearing in The New York Times between 2009 and 2011 found that people who were classified as “famous”—such as sports ...

Former president Bill Clinton sent out his first tweet last night under the name @billclinton and has already amassed some 400,000 followers.

Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a reality show on the DIY Network titled Vanilla Ice Goes Amish, in which the “Ice Ice Baby” singer ...

Authorities reportedly removed three men from a festival in Saudi Arabia and sent them back to their native United Arab Emirates for being “too handsome ...

Following a brief downturn in recent years due to the flagging economy, the average teen’s spending on prom this year is expected to rise ...

A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10 ...

In last Saturday’s Dining section, Damian’s Bistro was given a rating of Four Plates. The Onion has since changed its rating scale.

After defending Cindy for years, The Onion finally realized she’s no good. You were right.

FOX 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Jess (Zooey Deschanel) gets an extra set of bangs.

TruTV 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Eric sneaks up on his friend while he’s sleeping and punches him.

Oxygen 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT A group of intriguing, successful career women spend their days and nights being size 10 and ...

NBC 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT Host David Gregory and DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz spend 10 minutes sharing a soft onscreen ...

The iconic grunge singer most likely walked past this stop on several occasions. Unless this is one of those new bus stops that they put ...

The bushes out front are long gone and some guy named Steve lives there now.

Report: Long Fly Ball Going, Going

Sadistic MRI Machine Enjoyed Every Second Of Scanning David Lee's Hip

Kobe Bryant Triumphantly Returns To Heckle Lakers

Ravens Impressed By Rolando McClain's Effort While Resisting Arrest

Bronson Arroyo Celebrates Earth Day By Throwing 3-2 Curveball in Dirt

Jim, John Harbaugh Awkwardly Run Into Each Other For First Time Since Super Bowl

ESPN Ticker Now Counting Down To 2014 Draft

Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10 ...

NEW YORK—A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply ...

CHICAGO—Reasoning that he’s a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at ...

Foreign policy primer: Besides the US, there are 6 countries in the world. They are Israel, Iran, China, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan. — Onion Politics (@OnionPolitics ...