Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse 

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Issue 4917

Meet the Press

NBC 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT Host David Gregory and DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz spend 10 minutes sharing a soft onscreen kiss.

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Last Night's Live Coverage Of The 2013 NFL Draft 

Foreign policy primer: Besides the US, there are 6 countries in the world. They are Israel, Iran, China, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan. — Onion Politics (@OnionPolitics) October 23, 2012 Michelle tells Barack she’s pregnant again just as he...

Realistic-Bodied Women

Oxygen 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT A group of intriguing, successful career women spend their days and nights being size 10 and up.

Report: Come On, Carl, Pull It Together

Yes, Carl Mendel Of Dayton, Ohio, We Are Talking To You

DAYTON, OH—Citing his general lack of direction and the fact that he once embraced life and actually had honest-to-God dreams, for Christ’s sake, a new report revealed Tuesday that, come on, Carl, you’ve got to pull it together and get y...

Nation Wonders How Ad Guys From Vitaminwater Do It

NEW YORK—Mere weeks after Vitaminwater launched its wildly popular “Make Boring Brilliant” ad campaign, Americans everywhere are reportedly at a loss to explain the boundless creative talent of the marketing visionaries currently promoti...

Islamic Extremist Gives Up On Radicalizing Dim-Witted Friend

PHILADELPHIA—After months of attempting to indoctrinate his friend with the militant ideology of Islamic fundamentalism, local man Khalid Sayed, an Islamic extremist actively working to create a worldwide community of Muslim believers through violen...

High School Students Line Up For School Oil Portrait Day

BLUE SPRINGS, MO—Holding onto their order forms and making last-minute adjustments to their outfits and hair, students at Blue Springs Senior High lined up by homeroom in the school gymnasium Monday to pose for their annual school oil portraits, sou...

Area Man Now Checks Inside Boat In Driveway Every Morning

WAUKEGAN, IL—After learning Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev had been hiding inside a boat parked in a Massachusetts man’s backyard, 46-year-old Ethan Bryer told reporters Wednesday that he now makes sure to check the interior ...

Dzhokar Tsarnaev Posts Bail

BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today, prompting authorities to release him from custody.

Kim Kiper Puts Husband's Mock Draft Up On Fridge

TOWSON, MD—Kim Kiper proudly displayed her husband’s 2013 NFL mock draft on the refrigerator door Wednesday, claiming that the 52-year-old football analyst worked very hard hand-writing a list of potential selections for every single team in t...

Is That Even A Prank?

TruTV 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT Eric sneaks up on his friend while he’s sleeping and punches him.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2013

Aries This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything. Taurus You might think you're the coolest person around, but do...

Taylor Swift Now Dating Watertown Boat

BOSTON—Following a string of highly publicized breakups, sources confirmed today that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift is now dating the 22-foot Watertown, MA Sea Hawk pleasure cruiser in which alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev sought sh...

iTunes Store Turns 10

Apple’s innovative online music and media store iTunes will turn 10 years old on Friday. Here are some of the most notable milestones in its decade-long history: Nov. 4, 2002: The iTunes Store is first conceived of when the revolution...

New Girl

FOX 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT Jess (Zooey Deschanel) gets an extra set of bangs.
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