Picasso’s ‘Guernica’ Triples In Value After Being Autographed By The 1994 New York Rangers

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Issue 4918

Tuesday, May 14

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.

No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

MARIETTA, GA—Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughl...

Saturday, May 11

An outdoor screening of the Rozenski family’s rafting trip has been set up so everyone can get it over with at once.

Dad Busy Throwing Seeds Or Something On Lawn

WARRENSBURG, MO—Speculating that it’s probably meant to make the grass greener or fuller or something, living room sources reported Thursday that local dad Brian Winfield, 45, is currently busy throwing little seeds of some kind all over the f...

Heat Surprised It Took 4 Games To Beat Bucks

MIAMI—Reflecting on their first-round playoff series, members of the Miami Heat expressed their genuine surprise Thursday that they needed four games to beat the Milwaukee Bucks, team sources confirmed.

Applebee's Introduces New 50 Appetizers For $250 Special

DECATUR, GA—Announcing a special offer aimed at “whetting appetites like never before,” the Applebee’s restaurant chain said Wednesday that for a limited time customers will be able to purchase 50 appetizers at the discounted price...

Parents Seize Creative Control Of 3rd-Grade Art Project

PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything” assignment he is required to hand in during art class tomorrow, hou...

A-Rod Warns Accusers It'll Be Their Word Against His

'Who Do You Think They’re Going To Believe?' Says Rodriguez

NEW YORK—Following recent reports linking him to a Miami-based clinic supplying performance-enhancing drugs, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly warned accusers Tuesday that if they testified against him in court, it would come down to t...

Saturday, May 11

The Ridgewood Gardens Association will be meeting for its annual Green-Up The Neighborhood event on Saturday beginning at 10 a.m.

Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office

'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell

WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in a brief ceremony at the White House and expressing her continued disbelief that the president, vice presi...

Chris Berman Loudly Weighs In On Jason Collins Story

BRISTOL, CT—Following professional basketball player Jason Collins’ revelation that he is a homosexual, making him the first active player in a major American team sport to come out as gay, ESPN analyst Chris Berman reportedly loudly weighed i...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 30th, 2013

Aries You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it. Taurus After years of hesitation, you’ll finally come out of ...

Gay Teen Still Going To Buy LeBron James Jersey

LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ—After learning NBA center Jason Collins became the first active player from a major American team sport to come out as a homosexual, gay 15-year-old Kyle Morgan confirmed Monday that he still plans to buy a LeBron James Miami Heat ...

Weekend Encounter With Coworker Never Acknowledged

LUBBOCK, TX—Despite a pleasant two-minute chat following a chance encounter at a local restaurant over the weekend, coworkers Ned Haines and Rupert Walford greeted each other at the office Monday with little more than a cursory nod, sources at TexTe...

Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus

BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to get a place of his own and move off campus this week, the 19-year-old told r...

'Fuck You,' Obama Says In Hilarious Correspondents' Dinner Speech

'No, Really, Fuck Every One Of You'

WASHINGTON—President Obama left attendees of the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in stitches Saturday night after delivering a hilarious speech repeatedly telling the entire room to “fuck off.” “No, seriously, ...
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