HARRISON, AR—When six former Confederate officers gathered in the winter of 1865 to establish a private social club, none of them could have dreamed ...

SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the ...

GOLDEN, CO—Visibly beaming with pride, Boston Market CEO George Michel told reporters Thursday that the food at his restaurant chain “has rarely, if ever ...

WASHINGTON—A 150 percent increase in teen pregnancy rates over the past decade has led more high schools to eliminate “Fuck Your Brains Out,” a ...

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those ...

AKRON, OH—Calling the situation dangerous and a rescue operation “very risky,” authorities have confirmed they will now lower a rescue chip into a seven-layer ...

BETHEL PARK, PA—A routine Schaeffer family movie night took a sudden and deeply uncomfortable turn Thursday when the family of four was forced to ...

WASHINGTON—President Obama left attendees of the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in stitches Saturday night after delivering a hilarious speech repeatedly telling the entire ...

BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to ...

ANKENY, IA—After vomiting seeds for three straight hours this morning, a local sparrow told reporters it is worried it might have contracted the deadly ...

LUBBOCK, TX—Despite a pleasant two-minute chat following a chance encounter at a local restaurant over the weekend, coworkers Ned Haines and Rupert Walford greeted ...

SANA’A, YEMEN—Weeks after bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged attack on the Boston Marathon that left three dead, local Yemeni woman ...

CHICAGO—Though it contains several significant discoveries with a direct bearing on human health, a comprehensive study published this week in The Journal Of The ...

NEW YORK­­—With the announcement of the 67th Annual Tony Award nominations Tuesday morning, new Broadway musical Loud, Desperate Need For Approval is leading the ...

NEW YORK—A news article published Tuesday about how One World Trade Center will soon become the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere contained a ...

BELLINGHAM, WA—Praising the actress’ laid-back personality and skill as a performer, local woman Becca Miser told friends Tuesday how much she likes movie star ...

HOMS, SYRIA—As Syrian military aircraft rained chlorine gas on his community Tuesday, local man Amir Najjar, 36, reportedly assured himself that military and humanitarian ...

PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything ...

DECATUR, GA—Announcing a special offer aimed at “whetting appetites like never before,” the Applebee’s restaurant chain said Wednesday that for a limited time ...

DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at ...

WARRENSBURG, MO—Speculating that it’s probably meant to make the grass greener or fuller or something, living room sources reported Thursday that local dad ...

NEW YORK—An American entertainment magazine has run, in its most recent issue, an article about comedian and actor Louis C.K., sources reported this ...

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending ...

The technologically advanced and highly interactive George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will open to the public on May 1 in Dallas.

The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend.

Aries You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone ...

$42.98 (+$0.83) (+1.97%) Investors responded positively to the company’s efforts to boost its line of healthy offerings by introducing new lines ...

GAINESVILLE, FL—After being waived by the New York Jets and so far receiving no offers from other NFL teams, former Florida Gators quarterback Tim ...

NEW YORK—Following his release from the New York Jets, NFL quarterback Tim Tebow told reporters Monday that at a moment of distress and confusion ...

LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ—After learning NBA center Jason Collins became the first active player from a major American team sport to come out as a homosexual ...

MIAMI—The sports world was shocked today as Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace outed himself as a stupid asshole, sources close to the professional ...

BRISTOL, CT—Following professional basketball player Jason Collins’ revelation that he is a homosexual, making him the first active player in a major American team ...

NEW YORK—Following recent reports linking him to a Miami-based clinic supplying performance-enhancing drugs, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly warned accusers Tuesday that if ...

PALM BEACH, FL—Following an extravagant wedding ceremony attended by hundreds of famous guests, former NBA star Michael Jordan inadvertently left for his honeymoon with ...

MIAMI—Reflecting on their first-round playoff series, members of the Miami Heat expressed their genuine surprise Thursday that they needed four games to beat the ...

CLEVELAND—A week after hiring the former Lakers head coach, Cleveland Cavaliers general manager Chris Grant announced at a press conference Wednesday that the team ...

MILWAUKEE—While speaking to reporters prior to Saturday’s game against the St. Louis Cardinals, Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun admitted he consistently follows an ...

Onion Sports gazes into its crystal ball to examine the fate of recently cut Jets quarterback Tim Tebow. 

The president and CEO of McDonald’s hinted that the fast food giant may soon make its breakfast menu available around the clock, while also ...

With the installation of the final piece of its 408-foot spire, 1 World Trade Center in New York City will become the tallest building in ...

Former Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor said the court’s decision to hear the case of Bush v.

While 23,000 feet up Mt. Everest, three European climbers claimed they were physically attacked by 100 Sherpa guides after they disobeyed the Sherpas’ commands ...

President Barack Obama renewed his 2008 campaign promise to close the detention facility at Guantánamo Bay, where roughly 100 detainees are currently on a ...

A California woman has been charged with attempted murder after allegedly placing two bottles of orange juice containing lethal amounts of rubbing alcohol into a ...

New Zealand, which requires government approval of all baby names before they become official, released a list of the names it has rejected, including “4Real ...

Citing knife and saw marks on the bones of a 14-year-old girl who is believed to have died of starvation, researchers concluded that the colonists ...

Joanne Chesimard, a member of the Black Liberation Army who killed a New Jersey state trooper 40 years ago and has since fled to Cuba ...

Dear The Onion, I have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday at 11. Could you print an article reminding me to go? Ellen Lambright, Olivette ...

Dear The Onion, Thanks for listing the price of ground chuck every day. When it goes above $3.45/lb., I don’t have ground ...

UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins ...

The Ridgewood Gardens Association will be meeting for its annual Green-Up The Neighborhood event on Saturday beginning at 10 a.m.

An outdoor screening of the Rozenski family’s rafting trip has been set up so everyone can get it over with at once.

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re ...

‘Now, I'm Not Homophobic,’ Begins Soon-To-Be-Suspended Sports Analyst

Report: Stephen Curry Best Player You Keep Being Told Nobody Is Talking About

Report: Stephen Curry Best Player You Keep Being Told Nobody Is Talking About 

Jose Reyes Thinks He Might Have Landed On DL Wrong

Ahmad Bradshaw Medically Cleared For Next Injury

The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the “Fuck Your Brains Out” sex education ...

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known ...

MARIETTA, GA—Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman ...

Two guys who aren’t related refer to themselves as brothers because they are as close as siblings, but, get this, they eventually find out ...

America wins in a movie!

In this latest installment in the newly retooled Jurassic Park franchise, Stegg’s baby goes missing, sending Pterry, Hard Top, and the rest of the ...

Things don’t go well for these two characters, but then they do.

What happens when a man (Liam Neeson) starts to take his wife of 15 years for granted? Some quiet resentment, sure, but he’s been ...