Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

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Issue 4919

New to the market!

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and s...

Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...

Font Too Small

WASHINGTON—Sources across the nation confirmed today that the font in this article is too small.

LeBron James' Career Highlights So Far

With LeBron James winning his fourth MVP award, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the superstar’s career up to this point. 1991: In wake of humiliating defeat on playground basketball court, vows he will someday become s...

FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst and is actually a giant fucking rip-off. 

Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner

'It'll Just Be Easier This Way'

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told reporters today that instead of constantly searching for the latest online news about Kevin Costner, she plans to jus...

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior of an annoying Kid Rock seated in the fifth row.

Uncooperative Seller!

Three bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, two-car garage, and one seller who will change their mind at least four times during the sale process and will likely dispute the transaction if it ever goes through.

Woody Allen Extremely Busy Updating WoodyAllen.com

NEW YORK—Stressing that “continuously adapting to new technology is a must,” famed writer, actor, and director Woody Allen confirmed Thursday that he remains incredibly preoccupied with maintaining and updating his personal website, Wood...

EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe

WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all costs.

17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11

NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about the events of September 11, 2001.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 7, 2013

Aries You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks. Taurus Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprise...

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of May 7, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: The Cabin Behind The Cabin Harriett Miller (Doubleday, $27.99) In this stirring memoir, Miller recounts her childhood growing up in a log cabin next to another, different log c...

James Holmes Elected New NRA President

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James Holmes as their new president Monday, sources confirmed.

Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77

'That Ought To Do It,' Company Sources Confirm

CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source confirmed that its Twitter password has been changed to OnionMan77 in or...

50 Years Of James Bond

British secret agent James Bond made his first appearance in American theaters 50 years ago Wednesday in Dr.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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