MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on ...

NEW YORK—Stressing that “continuously adapting to new technology is a must,” famed writer, actor, and director Woody Allen confirmed Thursday that he remains incredibly ...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that nothing about the city really evokes the strong sense of pride and endurance that typically serves as a source of strength in ...

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst ...

CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source ...

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—After hacking into The Onion’s Twitter account earlier today, members of the Syrian Electronic Army confirmed that the organization simply wanted to ...

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James ...

CHICAGO—While stressing that racial profiling is degrading and has made his life more difficult in a great many ways, 29-year-old Egyptian-American Tarek Yasin admitted ...

DANIA, FL—Stating that things are “just really crazy right now,” local man James Kinter told reporters Monday that an appointment to pick up an ...

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today ...

LOS ANGELES—After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always ...

NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about ...

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since ...

WASHINGTON—In an urgent message broadcast on every U.S. television network, Environmental Protection Agency officials announced Wednesday that Americans should avoid breathing at all ...

SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny ...

LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior ...

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told ...

STAMFORD, CT—Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend ...

WASHINGTON—Sources across the nation confirmed today that the font in this article is too small.

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man ...

PEORIA, IL—While celebrating Mother’s Day today, local woman and mother of two Ellen Taylor, 38, was reportedly served breakfast in bed by her ...

British secret agent James Bond made his first appearance in American theaters 50 years ago Wednesday in Dr.

Well, firing your IT person is certainly not a bad place to start. Create safe passwords by only using the trustworthy letters and numbers. Reduce ...

Aries You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks. Taurus ...

$37.71 (+$1.80) (+5.01%) Share prices jumped on the announcement that Lit'l Smokies will be the official smoked cocktail sausages of fun ...

MINNEAPOLIS—Following his release from the Minnesota Vikings earlier this week, punter Chris Kluwe reportedly responded Tuesday by composing a fiery editorial in which he ...

MIAMI—Following the Bulls upset of the Heat in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals, Chicago center Joakim Noah boldly guaranteed Monday that he ...

MIAMI—After receiving 120 of 121 first-place votes from NBA media members, Miami Heat star LeBron James admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t ...

NEW YORK—Forbes magazine named recently cut New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow as the world’s most influential former athlete Thursday, stating that ...

WASHINGTON—NBA analyst Bruce Bowen reportedly suggested Friday that openly gay free agent center Jason Collins just might be the perfect frontcourt presence for a ...

WASHINGTON—NBA analyst Bruce Bowen reportedly suggested Friday that openly gay free agent center Jason Collins just might be the perfect frontcourt presence for a ...

With LeBron James winning his fourth MVP award, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the superstar’s career up to this point. 1991: In ...

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the suicide rate among Americans between the ages of 35 and 64 increased by 28 percent ...

After New Jersey governor Chris Christie posted a video online of him squishing a spider with his hand while meeting with a group of children ...

Cody Wilson, founder of the libertarian nonprofit Defense Distributed, has created a functional plastic gun on a 3D printer that uses standard handgun rounds, demonstrating ...

A study found that parents could help prevent allergies in their infants by sucking on their children’s pacifiers before returning them to the kids ...

Four years after famously lying to his staff and constituents that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in actuality he was visiting his secret ...

After 17 years underground, as many as one trillion so-called Brood II cicadas are beginning to emerge along the East Coast for their brief two- ...

The Dutch nonprofit Mars One, which hopes to send a small group of humans on a one-way mission to establish a colony on the surface ...

According to Census Bureau data, 66.2 percent of eligible African-American voters turned out to cast a ballot in the 2012 election, compared to 64 ...

After coming under fire by animal rights activists and receiving numerous threats, the Tampa, FL restaurant Taco Fusion decided to discontinue its $35 taco made ...

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better ...

A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or ...

The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.

The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.

Three bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, two-car garage, and one seller who will change their mind at least four times during the sale process and will ...

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Vinny Del Negro Proud Of Way Clippers Barely Hung In There Against Less Talented Team

Phil Jackson Preemptively Calls Nets To Let Them Know He’s Not Interested

Dwyane Wade Checks Online For Correct Spelling Of First Name

Michael Strahan Snaps Out Of 8-Year-Long Concussion Haze To Find Self Rolling Pastry Dough With Kelly Ripa

Cincinnati Reds Somehow 2 7/8 Games Out Of First

Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday ...

Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead ...

PURCHASE, NY—Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo ...

WHIPPANY, NJ—Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: The Cabin Behind The Cabin Harriett Miller (Doubleday, $27.99) In this ...