Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

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Issue 4920

Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party

'What Are The Odds?' Pasty, Flabby Colleagues Say

ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence that they had somehow each forgotten to bring bathing apparel to the fes...

Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term

WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made him long for the deeply frustrating, often maddening political climate o...

Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals

'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs

WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they’re totally outraged or whatever about what’s currently going on in ...

Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013

Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome

Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest ...

Call From Daycare Can't Be Good

HARRISBURG, PA—Speculating that the rest of her day will now definitely take a turn for the worse, local mother Nicole Mendlow confirmed Friday that an incoming call she is currently receiving from her 4-year-old son’s daycare center can...

Biggest Sports Collapses

With Sergio Garcia plummeting from first place to a seven-way tie for eighth at the Players Championship last weekend, Onion Sports examines some of the worst chokes in the history of athletic competition.

No I’m Not

FOX 8:30 p.m. EDT/7:30 p.m. CDT In this new game show, celebrities go to public places and, when recognized by others, deny they’re who people think they are. This week: Robert DeNiro goes to Subway.

'One Week'

Patrons of Darrin’s Bar and Grill looked on in horror Friday as the Barenaked Ladies song “One Week” was brutally murdered by local band Wrong Turn.

Remembering 'The Office'

The hit NBC show The Office will air its series finale on Thursday. Here is a look back at some of the most unforgettable moments of the show’s nine-year run: Season 1: The first episode, an exact remake of the British version...

Desperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter

HARTFORD, CT—Unable to secure the services of any of the young women who normally watch her 4-year-old son when she goes out for the evening, desperate local mother Rebecca Lowenstein confirmed Wednesday night that she had resorted to hiring a male ...

Cormac McCarthy Flaunts Sexy New Beach Body

CABO SAN LUCAS—Acclaimed novelist Cormac McCarthy, 79, wowed Cabo beachgoers Wednesday after debuting his sizzling new summer physique in a light-blue Vilebrequin swimsuit that showed off at least 20 extra pounds of lean muscle.

Jesse Faws

Jesse Faws, 28, died Tuesday in a dream about a plane crash while asleep on a plane that crashed.

Bitter Feud Developing Between Joakim Noah, Rest Of Humanity

MIAMI—As the Chicago Bulls prepare to face the Miami Heat in what is a must-win playoff elimination game for Chicago, sources around the world confirmed Wednesday that a bitter feud is rapidly building up between Bulls center Joakim Noah and the res...

SeaWorld To Discontinue Great White Shark Ride

ORLANDO, FL—Citing flagging popularity and recurrent technical problems over the attraction’s 10-year run, SeaWorld Orlando announced that it will permanently shutter its great white shark ride, officials for the theme park announced Tuesday.

Sight Of O.J. Simpson Actually Kind Of Comforting

LAS VEGAS—As O.J. Simpson returns to court to seek a retrial on his 2008 robbery and kidnapping convictions, sources across the country told reporters today that the sight of the former football star is actually somewhat comforting at this point.


WE 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Frank and Justine Bridezilla are worried their son Robby Bridezilla may have ADHD.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2013

Aries Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak. Taurus They’ve taken to calling you a ...

Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back

CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Saying that the species knew it had to start fucking and start fucking fast, officials from the International Union for Conservation of Nature announced Monday that loggerhead turtles—marine reptiles considered critic...
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