OKLAHOMA CITY—In the wake of yesterday’s devastating tornado that has so far left 24 dead and hundreds injured in the Oklahoma City area ...

DULUTH, MN—Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to ...

VISTA, CA—Following the devastating tornado in Oklahoma this week that killed dozens of residents and displaced many more, U.S.

PHILADELPHIA—Samantha Curtis, a 29-year-old sales clerk who has reportedly cracked three separate iPhone screens over the years, is due to give birth to a ...

WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged ...

COLUMBUS, OH—According to staff at Dusty’s Kitchen, the local restaurant’s extreme burger challenge, formerly described as “an insurmountable mountain of beef and ...

SUNNYVALE, CA—Finally overcoming competition from the likes of Google, Microsoft, and AOL, internet corporation Yahoo firmly re-secured its place as an industry leader after ...

BETHLEHEM, PA—With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to ...

ABOVE CONCORDIA, KS—Her pen mercilessly slashing its way through a stack of handwritten pages, the middle school English teacher grading papers next to you ...

LAS VEGAS—Doctors at Valley Hospital Medical Center are reporting that pop sensation Justin Bieber is in critical but stable condition today after being admitted ...

NEW YORK—Confirming months of speculation, developers at Rockstar Games revealed today that the missions in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto V video game will ...

AMARILLO, TX—Frequently mentioning the fact that his hometown of Corpus Christi, TX also happens to be the birthplace of Whataburger, local 31-year-old Chad Derringer ...

WASHINGTON—Citing a succession of tragedies that have darkened the majority of 2013, including the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladeshi garment building collapse, and yesterday ...

WEST HAVEN, CT—Following Microsoft’s official unveiling of their latest video game console Tuesday, 41-year-old father of two Richard Shearer excitedly told his son ...

DES MOINES, IA—With complaints about everything from “raggedy prayer mats” to “the grimiest ablution fountain ever,” local Muslims have slammed the al-Wali Mosque on ...

LONDON—Just two months away from Kate Middleton’s speculated July due date, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today the pregnant Duchess of ...

SEATTLE—Citing “subtle notes of ethambutol and clindamycin,” longtime McDonald’s customer Chris Hingle reported Thursday that he could discern from the taste of his ...

SUGAR LAND, TX—Shortly after reports surfaced today that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift its ban on gay youths, local homosexual ...

WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation ...

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in ...

Find the shittiest apartment known to humankind and move in with three people you don’t know from Craigslist Send one resume out and wait ...

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept ...

Aries Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 ...

$81.55 (-$1.45) (-1.75%) Investors are nervous after another six months have gone by without a single Pepsi being sold.

DETROIT—Months following his record-setting 2012 campaign, Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson shocked football fans Wednesday, revealing that he played much of last season with ...

CHICAGO—Iconic Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher officially announced his retirement from the NFL Wednesday, despite acknowledging that he still had “a lot of injuries ...

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand ...

LOS ANGELES—Ahead of his impending free agency, Lakers center Dwight Howard told reporters Thursday that he is “very interested” in moving to Houston and ...

SAN ANTONIO—In an effort to inspire the team before Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, Spurs captain Tim Duncan reportedly reminded his teammates ...

With David Beckham retiring last week, Onion Sports examines notable moments from the soccer player’s illustrious 21-year career.

According to a new study, individuals who struggle with mathematics saw a notable increase in their ability to learn and retain arithmetic concepts when a ...

As part of CEO Marissa Mayer’s strategy to expand the company’s social and mobile presence and attract younger users, Yahoo will purchase the ...

Americans’ confidence in the U.S. economy reached its highest level since July 2007, according to the latest reading of a leading consumer sentiment index.

Apple CEO Tim Cook was questioned by lawmakers today, following a congressional report that showed how the company used a complex web of offshore subsidiaries ...

A study found that 41 percent of males who were diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in elementary school were classified as obese at age ...

A federal court ruled that the government does not have to release photographs of the body of Osama bin Laden taken after he was shot ...

Aiming to feed astronauts efficiently on long space missions in the future, NASA has awarded a $125,000 grant to develop a printer that can ...

The government confirmed for the first time that it has killed Americans in strikes by unmanned aerial drones, killing four U.S.

The Boy Scouts of America voted during their annual meeting yesterday to allow the admittance of openly gay youths into the scouting program, while maintaining ...

After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention ...

The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard ...

An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.

Last Tuesday, The Onion accidentally printed a photo of a nun feeding an apple to a horse everywhere a photo belonged.

Peter Jacobs and Estelle Wilson, both age 88, were married in the banquet hall of Shady Oaks Nursing Home on Friday, surrounded by people who ...

Unable to secure the permits at the last minute, Raymond Kinnard and Margie McGinnis were wed Saturday on dry land in full scuba gear.

Timothy Hutton and Debra Winger were married in 1986, if you didn’t know.

Preakness Loser Orb Gets Chewed Out By Trainer On Walk From Stall To Trailer

Frank Vogel Seen Googling 'NBA Pacers Good?'

Pete Carroll Thankful NFL Didn't Catch Rest Of Seahawks Using PEDs

Pete Carroll Thankful NFL Didn't Catch Rest Of Seahawks Using PEDs

Chip Kelly Having Difficulty Adjusting To Eagles' Shitty Roster

FIFA 13 Player Told Guy To Pass, Not Fucking Shoot

YouTube is the latest site to jump into the original programming arena with the announcement of a gritty adaptation of the popular video.

The trio spent hours talking, prompting Hollywood to worry that they could be working on a project together.

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine ...

WALTHAM, MA—Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal ...

President Obama announced today that he plans to reduce drone casualties by replacing missiles with high-range 11 megavolt tasers.

Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.

A lost traveler stumbles upon a town populated by mysterious, evil children, then proceeds to just beat the living crap out of them.

A late-filing penalty strikes those who submitted their tax returns just a little bit after the deadline in this thriller.

Realizing they’re not getting any younger, the two friends make preparations in case the worst should happen.

Detroit’s top marble shooter has trouble retaining his winning reputation after losing his lucky corkscrew alabaster in the latest film from marblecore director Tim ...

The crew of the USS Enterprise faces its toughest opponent yet: a British guy.