The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 27th, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4921

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Timeline Of The War On Terror

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...

Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim

WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation for allegedly filing a fraudulent claim, sources confirmed Friday.

Gay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second Thing

SUGAR LAND, TX—Shortly after reports surfaced today that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift its ban on gay youths, local homosexual child Max Lovell, 14, told reporters that he was looking forward to joining the organization and finally bei...

Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

WALTHAM, MA—Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving t...

Web Series Reaches 100 Views

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Dwight Howard Interested In Ruining Rockets

LOS ANGELES—Ahead of his impending free agency, Lakers center Dwight Howard told reporters Thursday that he is “very interested” in moving to Houston and completely ruining the Rockets.

Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand of basketball played by the chainsaw-wielding members of the Indiana Pacers squad.

Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness

LONDON—Just two months away from Kate Middleton’s speculated July due date, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge is in the throes of yet another case of morning sickness.

Features Of The Xbox One

Windows XP operating system Will offer new titles in such popular Xbox series as Ace Combat, Kane & Lynch, Crash Time, and Call of Juarez Xbox Hat—Say the words “Xbox Hat” out loud and a large ima...

Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy

WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged everyone gathered in the West Wing briefing room to abandon their inhibitions and rev...

Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp

DES MOINES, IA—With complaints about everything from “raggedy prayer mats” to “the grimiest ablution fountain ever,” local Muslims have slammed the al-Wali Mosque on 14th Street as “the worst of the worst,” giving...

Peter Jacobs and Estelle Wilson

Peter Jacobs and Estelle Wilson, both age 88, were married in the banquet hall of Shady Oaks Nursing Home on Friday, surrounded by people who looked kind of familiar to them.

24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old

DULUTH, MN—Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesda...

Americans Dredge Up Last Remaining Reserves Of Grief

OKLAHOMA CITY—In the wake of yesterday’s devastating tornado that has so far left 24 dead and hundreds injured in the Oklahoma City area, citizens around the country reportedly dredged up what little remained of the nation’s rapidly dimi...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 21, 2013

Aries Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby. Taurus The...

Tips For New College Graduates

Find the shittiest apartment known to humankind and move in with three people you don’t know from Craigslist Send one resume out and wait at least one year to hear back Remember to use your $35 Best Buy graduation gift card from your uncle wisely C...
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