The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 3, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4922

Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.

Features Of Motorola’s New Moto X Smartphone

All right, so, The Onion would like to sincerely apologize for not putting together this infographic about the new Moto X smartphone, since we frankly did not expect anyone to actually click on it.

After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality

EDMOND, OK—Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday that he had decided to be homosexual. “I thought about it for a long ...

Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird

‘They Call Them Dinkies,’ Sources Say

HYANNIS, MA—Following dinner at the home of Stan and Linda Paulson and their three children, alarmed houseguest Brendan Murphy told reporters Wednesday that the local family’s preferred euphemism for human genitalia is apparently the word ...

Biggest Scandals Of The Obama Administration

President Barack Obama has recently come under fire for the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, the White House’s handling of last September’s attack in Benghazi, and the Justice Department’s seizure of reporters’ phone r...

Tim Duncan Offers Legal Advice To Wife’s Divorce Lawyer

SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal knowledge freely available to his spouse’s divorce lawyer, sources confirmed Wednesda...

New Obesity Drug Delicious

CHICAGO—Following the FDA’s approval of the prescription obesity medication Pryvexa earlier this week, users of the recently released weight management pill have confirmed that it is absolutely delicious.

Tecmo Bowl–Winning Bulldogs Visit White House

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama hosted the Tecmo Bowl champion Bulldogs at the White House Thursday, honoring the team for their stunning victory over the heavily favored Wildcats. Obama, who met with the players and coach BOB and provided a guide...

Adrian Peterson’s Boyfriend Can Take A Hint

MINNEAPOLIS—Responding to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson publicly asserting his firm opposition to gay marriage, the reigning MVP’s longtime boyfriend Scott Oakes told reporters Tuesday that he “can take a hint” and...

Last 12 Years A Real Wake-Up Call For Area Man

SAGINAW, MI—Saying he had been “shaken up pretty badly” after hitting rock bottom from 2001 to 2013, local man Phillip Garvey, 41, told reporters Tuesday that the past 12 years had been the incident that finally motivated him to turn his...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 28, 2013

Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall. Taurus Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 mi...

Sources: Greg Oden Looks Incredible In Video From 2007

ATLANTA—Displaying the virtually unlimited raw potential of a once-in-a-generation franchise center, multiple league sources confirmed Saturday that former Portland Trail Blazers player Greg Oden has looked absolutely incredible in a video from 2007...

Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off

BOSTON—Hours after arriving at an empty office this morning, local man and R&G Insurance Guaranty sales associate Joel Wyner told reporters that he’s beginning to suspect his employer may have given his staff the day off for Memorial Day.
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