WASHINGTON—Citing “troubling” statistics revealing that the vast majority of Americans are not receiving all rock all the time, U.S.

WASHINGTON—Members of Sen. John McCain’s family expressed deep concern Tuesday after receiving word that the aging legislator had wandered off into Syria.

NEW YORK—Bringing an end to a high-profile scandal that has shaken the media industry, BuzzFeed staff writer Tim Mills resigned his position Wednesday following ...

WASHINGTON—Saying that it’s the Lord’s will, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann announced on her website Wednesday that she has decided not to seek ...

EDMOND, OK—Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday ...

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Local man Marshall Platt, 34, came tantalizingly close to kicking back and having a good time while attending a friend’s barbeque last ...

WASHINGTON—A new report published Monday by the National Transportation Safety Board advises motorists that sending text messages while driving “is totally fine” and “not ...

SAGINAW, MI—Saying he had been “shaken up pretty badly” after hitting rock bottom from 2001 to 2013, local man Phillip Garvey, 41, told reporters ...

WASHINGTON—In a breakthrough study that experts say completely reshapes our understanding of the cosmos, a team of astrophysicists at Oxford University have discovered that ...

CHICAGO—Following the FDA’s approval of the prescription obesity medication Pryvexa earlier this week, users of the recently released weight management pill have confirmed ...

WASHINGTON—According to reports, the American people are currently rubbing their hands in anticipation for whatever vile, disgusting garbage the internet will eventually puke up ...

HYANNIS, MA—Following dinner at the home of Stan and Linda Paulson and their three children, alarmed houseguest Brendan Murphy told reporters Wednesday that the ...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced Wednesday that their newest version of Maps will enable users to fire a missile at any location on ...

CRAWFORD, TX—Citing his dramatically reduced level of influence and his separation from old acquaintances in Washington, former president George W.

WOBURN, MA—Local IT security firm Acronis International has organized an enjoyable little office party after work Thursday for staff members to get drunk and ...

PHILADELPHIA—According to reports, the nation’s entire population gathered around and looked on with concern Thursday as 28-year-old Erik Olsen attempted to parallel park ...

SAN FRANCISCO—After reports surfaced Thursday that a local Gap customer became ill after consuming 37 pairs of five-pocket straight-fit corduroy pants, the clothing chain ...

WASHINGTON—Saying that she’ll be gone soon anyway so she might as well, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann introduced H.R.

BAYSIDE HILLS, NY—Scripps National Spelling Bee champion Arvind Mahankali arrived at his middle school in Bayside Hills, NY a hero lauded by all his ...

President Barack Obama has recently come under fire for the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, the White House’s handling of last September’s ...

All right, so, The Onion would like to sincerely apologize for not putting together this infographic about the new Moto X smartphone, since we frankly ...

Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr ...

$84.88 (-$1.82) (-2.10%) Share prices dropped today after the market just wanted a damn floor mop—you know, a regular damn mop ...

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama hosted the Tecmo Bowl champion Bulldogs at the White House Thursday, honoring the team for their stunning victory over the heavily ...

NEW YORK—In the wake of NBA center Jason Collins and U.S. soccer midfielder Robbie Rogers coming out as homosexual, reports revealed Friday that ...

ATLANTA—Displaying the virtually unlimited raw potential of a once-in-a-generation franchise center, multiple league sources confirmed Saturday that former Portland Trail Blazers player Greg Oden ...

MINNEAPOLIS—Responding to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson publicly asserting his firm opposition to gay marriage, the reigning MVP’s longtime boyfriend Scott Oakes ...

SAN ANTONIO—After entering into divorce proceedings with his wife of nearly 12 years, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan made his considerable abundance of legal ...

ALEXANDRIA, AL—Sources at Alexandria High School confirmed Thursday that football head coach Eric Grier, the man who just unleashed an abusive, profane tirade at ...

KANSAS CITY—Calling it their chance to finally hit the big time, booking agent Freddie Holt announced this morning that he had landed the Kansas ...

NEW YORK—Claiming that the left-hander was inflicting significant damage to the team, Yankees sources trapped beneath CC Sabathia told reporters Friday that the pitcher ...

Miami Heat power forward Chris “Birdman” Andersen has shot 37 for 43 during the NBA playoffs.

An invasive species known as crazy ants is rapidly crowding out fire ant species in the Southeast, causing havoc by invading homes, nesting in walls ...

The highest prize at the Cannes Film Festival was awarded to the romance film Blue Is The Warmest Color: The Life Of Adele, a coming-of-age ...

Google is reportedly seeking to build a network of high-altitude blimps to transmit wireless internet signals across sub-Saharan Africa and Southeast Asia, with each blimp ...

Chinese hackers reportedly gained access to the designs of more than two dozen highly advanced U.S. weapons, including ballistic missile defense systems, fighter jets ...

An IndieGoGo project created by Gawker has reached its $200,000 goal, with the intention of purchasing a video from a self-proclaimed member of the ...

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party conservative who ran for president last year and an outspoken critic of President Obama, confirmed that she will ...

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party conservative who ran for president last year and an outspoken critic of President Obama, confirmed that she will ...

Aiming to ease congestion and increase the number of climbers they can take to the top of the mountain, Sherpa guides are considering adding a ...

To satisfy China’s growing demand for pork as its middle class expands, the Chinese company Shanghui International Holdings is buying the American company Smithfield ...

Larry King, the legendary 79-year-old news personality who retired from CNN in 2010, will host a new public affairs talk show called Politics With Larry ...

After coming in third place the past two years, 13-year-old Arvind Mahankali won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night on the word “knaidel,” a ...

Dear The Onion, What was that thing you guys said before about tomatoes? This was, I don’t know, like three years ago. Thanks. Andy ...

Dear The Onion, We always set an extra plate at the table in hopes that you will come home. Love, Agnes, Johnny, Sarah, and Daniel ...

The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish ...

Michael Vick Confident He’s Still NFL’s Fastest Convicted Felon

Phil Jackson Claims Michael Jordan A Better Lover Than Kobe Bryant

Embarrassed Jeff Hornacek Not Sure How To Tell Family He Was Hired By Suns

Bryce Harper Uses Tweezers To Remove Strands Of Bursitis From Knee

The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.

SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday ...

SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday ...

May 26—Authorities apprehended a man on Chester St. Sunday evening who was breaking into people’s balconies and shouting out new decrees for the ...

May 27—Local police confirmed that officer Jay Noll has finally nailed the baton triple-twirl with strap-snap return.

May 29—While responding to a homicide in the Oakwood neighborhood Wednesday, Detective Ellis and Detective Becker spent one hour arguing about what the shape ...

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review