CHESAPEAKE, VA—At a highly anticipated launch event Tuesday, Dollar Tree CEO Bob Sasser ended months of fervent speculation over the latest phase of the ...

WANA, PAKISTAN—Calling it a chance to get some fresh air and learn about the unmanned aerial vehicles inhabiting the Middle East, President Barack Obama ...

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Financial Economics, 83 percent of gamblers quit right before hitting the jackpot and striking ...

IRVING, TX—Promoting itself as “America’s best value in family-friendly fun,” pizza restaurant and entertainment center Chuck E.

MT. LEBANON, PA—While enjoying the first day of her four-week stay at North Winds Summer Camp, 12-year-old Tracy Rowley told reporters Monday how thrilled ...

WASHINGTON—While preparing to leave for work Monday, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder reportedly loaded up his iPod with dozens of Associated Press reporters ...

NEW YORK—Just weeks after being transplanted into Lou Reed’s abdomen, a 3.5-pound donor liver voiced complaints to reporters Monday about the difficulty ...

TORTUGA BAY, GALAPAGOS­—Saying the aging reptile is “really embarrassing himself,” leading herpetologists expressed embarrassment Monday on behalf of Old Bill, a local giant tortoise ...

ARCADIA, CA—Famed actress and activist Angelina Jolie wowed Grindside Street Comp spectators Sunday in her first public aggressive inline skating competition since undergoing a ...

AUSTIN, TX—Local resident Ted Cho has two separate groups of friends, one of which only has Asians in it, the 25-year-old software developer’s ...

LONDON—Midway through the ceremony marking the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today that Duchess ...

CHESTER, PA—Saying that it was the next logical step for the company, the owners of local laundromat Sudz Cleaners told reporters Tuesday that they ...

LOS ANGELES—In just the latest in a series of whirlwind romances, sources confirmed today that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift entered an alternate universe parallel to ...

NEW YORK—Insisting that if the young street musician doesn’t apply himself more, he’ll never work his way up to a good busking ...

ST. LOUIS—Having earlier in the day set his Gchat status to “invisible,” local man Jeff Young, 29, reportedly spent his Wednesday afternoon monitoring the ...

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that he is always in the mood for a little Michael D. Shear/Jeremy W. Peters action, New York Times reader Mitchell ...

WASHINGTON—On the heels of reports that the National Security Agency has secretly been amassing the private telephone records of Verizon’s more than 120 ...

RICHMOND, VA—After applying several spritzes of cologne to his freshly shaven face, 87-year-old World War II veteran Roger Sarlo confidently left his home Thursday ...

PASADENA, CA­—Nearly a year after Curiosity’s triumphant Mars landing, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that the NASA rover is preparing ...

MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a ...

HOUSTON—Pointing to the group’s radically divergent behaviors and customs, employees at local software firm Pendant Systems confirmed Friday that a strange new culture ...

SAVANNAH, GA—Expanding a retail line that already includes kitchen supplies, bakeware, and cookbooks, television personality and restaurateur Paula Deen today introduced Deen Farms Butter ...

Last week, the popular crowdfunding website Kickstarter announced the launch of its 100,000th campaign, having collectively raised a total of $631 million in its ...

Aries Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you. Taurus As you'll soon ...

$418.37 (-$23.07) (-5.23%) Shares continued their steady decline as Silicon Valley investors continued to respond negatively to the iPhone maker’s bizarre ...

MIAMI—Following their 99-76 Game 7 loss in the Eastern Conference Finals, Indiana Pacers players confirmed Tuesday that they felt like complete idiots for believing ...

MIAMI—After eliminating the Indiana Pacers to reach the NBA finals for the third consecutive year, Miami Heat players were reportedly struggling Monday to determine ...

MIAMI—Following the Miami Heat’s decisive Game 7 victory over the Indiana Pacers in the Eastern Conference championship series Monday night, security personnel at ...

LOS ANGELES—In response to small forward Grant Hill retiring after 19 seasons in the NBA, Americans across the country this week reportedly pondered how ...

SAN ANTONIO—After reaching his fifth NBA championship series, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich admitted to reporters Wednesday that winning this year’s title would ...

MIAMI—Applying an analytical framework dating back to 360 BC, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan used the concept of infinite divisibility Thursday to argue that ...

NEW YORK—According to confused onlookers inside Penn Station, recently fired New York Rangers head coach John Tortorella is currently wandering around the major rail ...

The Miami Heat battle the San Antonio Spurs for a chance to lift a trophy.

According to U.S. Census data, women are now the sole or primary income-earners in 40 percent of American households with children below the age ...

After Earth, a sci-fi adventure starring Will Smith and his son Jaden and featuring a Scientology-related narrative, took in just $27 million last weekend, a ...

A free app created by the non-denominational Christian ministry Setting Captives Free that claimed it could release users from “the bondage of homosexuality” in 60 ...

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that police can swab a suspect for DNA during an arrest—though prior to any trial or potential conviction—in ...

A study found that more than one-third of new marriages in the United States between 2005 and 2012 began online, and that these marriages were ...

The tornado that struck El Reno, OK last Friday was the widest tornado ever recorded at 2.6 miles in diameter, leaving a trail of ...

The largest plant-eating lizard ever discovered, a 6-foot, 60-pound species that lived between 36 and 40 million years ago, has been named Barbaturex morrisoni in ...

According to a top secret court ruling issued at the request of the FBI, Verizon has been ordered to hand over mobile and landline phone ...

Susan G. Komen for the Cure, which is known for its ubiquitous pink-laden breast cancer awareness campaigns, has canceled its three-day charity races next year ...

The National Security Agency admitted to accessing the databases of many of the largest internet companies including Google, Facebook, Apple, and Skype, allowing the agency ...

Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they ...

Oscillating fan is ready to cool some rooms.

Paul Houseman, 42, stuck to his wife’s shopping list and refrained from buying a bag of Bugles, even though he really wanted to make ...

Nancy Sullivan pulled an all-nighter and didn’t tell anyone.

In last Saturday’s Travel section, the compass rose on the treasure map was askew. The Onion regrets the error.

A recent correction claimed that The Onion regretted an error when, in fact, it took secret pleasure in the error.

BRAVO 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT How long will it take the Tominski family to notice Ving Rhames is perched on the ...

Discovery 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT A whale expert completely ruins the majesty of whales for everyone by pointing out all their ...

TV Land 12 a.m. EDT/11 p.m. CDT After Mr. Furley overhears something, there is a big misunderstanding and he makes a bunch ...

truTV 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT The only show on television that pits real uncles against real uncles in a competition of ...

Dwight Howard Proposes That Entire City Of LA Leave Instead

Man With Entire NBA Playoffs On DVR Currently Halfway Through Heat-Bucks

Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.

Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of ...

MARIETTA, GA—Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke ...