Couple Keeps Marriage Together For Sake Of No One

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Issue 4923

Uncle vs. Uncle

truTV 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT The only show on television that pits real uncles against real uncles in a competition of wit, strength, and general uncleship.

Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

Strange New Culture Forming On Other End Of Office

HOUSTON—Pointing to the group’s radically divergent behaviors and customs, employees at local software firm Pendant Systems confirmed Friday that a strange new culture appears to be forming among their coworkers at the other end of the office.

Three’s Company

TV Land 12 a.m. EDT/11 p.m. CDT After Mr. Furley overhears something, there is a big misunderstanding and he makes a bunch of faces.

NBA Finals

The Miami Heat battle the San Antonio Spurs for a chance to lift a trophy.

30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money

MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed.

Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue

PASADENA, CA­—Nearly a year after Curiosity’s triumphant Mars landing, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that the NASA rover is preparing to explore a large structure six kilometers south of the Gale Crater, which...

Obama Administration Releases Nation’s Phone Records To Public

‘We Are Making Every Effort To Be Transparent,’ Says President

WASHINGTON—On the heels of reports that the National Security Agency has secretly been amassing the private telephone records of Verizon’s more than 120 million customers, President Barack Obama announced Thursday that his administration is re...

Paul Houseman

Paul Houseman, 42, stuck to his wife’s shopping list and refrained from buying a bag of Bugles, even though he really wanted to make witch fingers.

Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching

WANA, PAKISTAN—Calling it a chance to get some fresh air and learn about the unmanned aerial vehicles inhabiting the Middle East, President Barack Obama took his daughters Sasha and Malia out to the tribal territories of Pakistan for an exciting aft...

Whale Warts

Discovery 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT A whale expert completely ruins the majesty of whales for everyone by pointing out all their ugly flaws.

Local Laundromat Employs Social Media Coordinator

CHESTER, PA—Saying that it was the next logical step for the company, the owners of local laundromat Sudz Cleaners told reporters Tuesday that they had recently hired social media coordinator Dan Elmets, 26, to lead the development and execution of ...

Indiana Pacers Feel Stupid For Believing In Themselves

MIAMI—Following their 99-76 Game 7 loss in the Eastern Conference Finals, Indiana Pacers players confirmed Tuesday that they felt like complete idiots for believing in themselves and foolishly thinking that they ever had a chance against the Miami H...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013

Aries Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you. Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or n...

Put A Ving On It

BRAVO 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT How long will it take the Tominski family to notice Ving Rhames is perched on the top bunk in the twins’ room? Find out tonight!

Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90

TORTUGA BAY, GALAPAGOS­—Saying the aging reptile is “really embarrassing himself,” leading herpetologists expressed embarrassment Monday on behalf of Old Bill, a local giant tortoise who reportedly makes tremendous efforts to appear ...

Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns

Last week, the popular crowdfunding website Kickstarter announced the launch of its 100,000th campaign, having collectively raised a total of $631 million in its three years in operation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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