WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one ...

WASHINGTON—As the debate over immigration reform continues in Congress, members of the Republican Party on Tuesday voiced their unequivocal support for the nation’s ...

UNDISCLOSED—In the midst of the ongoing national debate over the recently revealed NSA surveillance of American citizens, a Yemeni al-Qaeda operative currently living covertly ...

WASHINGTON—In spite of the rest of the world long having agreed to move on with their lives, a new report issued Monday reveals that ...

CONSTELLATION HYDRA—Dashing the hopes of those among them who believed the faraway world would surely prove habitable, astronomers from the Terxus II star system ...

GREENSBURG, PA—Saying that the iconic number simply isn’t where it needs to be at this point, nearly everyone involved in The Greensburg Playhouse ...

WINDEN FALLS, WA—Just days after a fatal accident claimed the life of high school sophomore Brian Tillerman, members of the 16-year-old’s loose-knit hometown ...

BETHESDA, MD—While reviewing his work on a new project, officials at defense contractor Lockheed Martin told engineer Erik Whitaker that it was looking pretty ...

WASHINGTON—An alarming new labor report released just moments ago has concluded that you should stop reading this article right now and get the fuck ...

SANTA FE, NM—In yet another stunning twist that has reportedly shocked fans and law enforcement officials alike, fantasy author George R.R.

CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of Alvah C.

CALIFORNIA, PA—Students, faculty, and attendees at California University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremony stood and cheered Sunday as 93-year-old Esther Goodwyn, a fuckup who ...

NEW YORK—According to critics, the new Liberace biopic Behind The Candelabra, which premiered on HBO last month, reveals that the famed musician and performer ...

ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn admitted to reporters ...

VIOLA, NY—After a government whistleblower revealed last week that the U.S. National Security Agency is collecting phone records and other data as part ...

OMAHA, NE—Calling Edward Snowden both a “TRUE PATRIOT” and an “AMERICAN HERO,” Tony Dewitt, 32, reportedly voiced his unflinching support for the NSA whistleblower ...

PASADENA, CA—A local 46-year-old man expressed confusion and disappointment Wednesday after watching what he described as a “really weird” pornographic movie that featured no ...

WASHINGTON—Following reports Sunday that the source of the leaked National Security Agency surveillance practices is 29-year-old government contractor Edward Snowden, polls revealed today that ...

LOS ANGELES—Citing a dire need for additional reshoots, visibly panicked officials at Warner Bros. studios announced Wednesday that they had decided to delay the ...

FORT MEADE, MD—Members of the National Security Agency told reporters yesterday that if they thought the electronic surveillance program known as PRISM invaded the ...

WASHINGTON—According to a report out today, 250 million Americans are still scrambling to find someone to appear on their podcasts this week, as the ...

LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive preview to fans gathered in Los Angeles this week for the E3 gaming conference, Microsoft officials reportedly unveiled an ultra-realistic ...

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Thursday by the U.S. Census Bureau, by the year 2043, the majority of the American population will ...

SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Following reports Wednesday that Human Resources manager Ellen Neely had begun her menstrual cycle, employees of venture capital firm Optima Group decreed ...

LOS ANGELES—According to fans who attended this week’s E3 gaming conference in Los Angeles, representatives for Sony, Nintendo, and other industry heavyweights made ...

WINCHESTER, VA—Telling reporters that he can’t help but feel a little hurt, 52-year-old local father Trevor Jackson expressed his surprise and disappointment Sunday ...

At its annual developer conference this week, Apple unveiled its long-rumored streaming music service.

Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two ...

$15.13 (-$0.66) (-4.18%) A company announcement this afternoon that the 2014 Ford Explorer would feature only one cubic foot of trunk space ...

By Daniel Greene, Robert Greene

BEAVERTON, OR—Nike CEO Mark Parker officially announced Thursday that the company had agreed to a multi-year endorsement deal with golfer Tiger Woods that includes ...

NEW YORK—With the Stanley Cup finals quickly approaching, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters Monday that he’s starting to wonder if he actually ...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following news that free agent quarterback Tim Tebow was acquired by the New England Patriots, sources close to the organization told reporters Tuesday ...

CINCINNATI—On the same day cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded not guilty to assault charges after being accused of striking a woman outside of a ...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Bobcats owner Michael Jordan announced Wednesday that he has officially hired Patrick Ewing as the team’s assistant coach purely to watch the ...

DURHAM, NC—A new study published on fan behavior this week revealed that the common practice of waving objects behind the basket to distract free ...

BOSTON—Several sources confirmed Friday that a man who is paid millions of dollars to play a game was reportedly called gutsy and lauded for ...

With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, Onion Sports examines highlights from the 120-year-old NHL championship series.

Warner Bros. Pictures will produce a live-action movie based on the 72-year-old Archie comics franchise, portraying the characters of Archie, Veronica, Betty, and Jughead in ...

Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old contractor working for the National Security Agency, has taken credit for leaking top-secret documents to the press regarding the NSA’s ...

Russian President Vladimir Putin and Lyudmila, his wife of almost 30 years who was rarely seen in public, announced their joint decision to divorce last ...

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is considered the frontrunner for the 2016 presidential election, joined Twitter yesterday under the handle @HillaryClinton.

A poll found that 56 percent of Americans believe the NSA’s collection of phone record data is “acceptable,” saying that the government’s need ...

George W. Bush’s approval rating has climbed to its highest level since 2005 and he is now seen more positively than President Barack Obama ...

Anticipating powerful storms and rising sea levels due to climate change, Mayor Michael Bloomberg unveiled a $20 billion long-term plan that includes building massive floodwalls ...

Facebook began adding hashtag functionality to its website yesterday, allowing users to turn any posted word into a link by placing a pound sign in ...

Jiroemon Kimura, a Japanese man who was born in April 1897, died Wednesday of pneumonia in his hometown at the age of 116, making him ...

The NSA chief claimed that his agency’s phone and internet surveillance programs had stopped “dozens” of acts of terrorism, and the FBI director added ...

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, for the first time in modern history, more white Americans are dying than being born, with whites predicted ...

Dear The Onion, It’s like the price of gas isn’t even a story to you guys anymore. What happened? Tim Starble, Wichita, KS

Dear The Onion, How do you become the guy who shoots injured horses? I have an interest in one day shooting injured horses. Skip Treacher ...

A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information ...

This one-of-a-kind place offers food, sites, and people specific to it. There are ways to get alcohol and beds to sleep in at night, and ...

Why can’t I just camp out in the backyard? Come on, it’s warm enough! Jared could stay over and we won’t be ...

LeBron James Becomes First NBA Player To Block Shot

Parisians Relieved To Have Sleepy Hometown Back To Themselves After French Open Tourists Leave

Young Pitcher With Bright Future Tragically Drafted By Marlins

Internet Comment Thread Really Getting To The Bottom Of This Whole Michael Jordan Vs. LeBron James Thing

Magic Johnson An Inspiration For Those Living With Terrible TV Presence

The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they ...

GARDEN GROVE, FL—Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster ...

Stuck last minute trying to figure out a gift for the father who has everything he possibly needs? Well, these unique gift ideas will let ...

Billy Crystal is back in the next installment of the popular Analyze franchise.

Most people think of silence as a good thing, but in the case of this movie, it’s a scary thing.

What would happen if the internet suddenly became sentient and tried to murder humanity? This film unfortunately doesn’t answer that question.

Earn 10 extra credit points on the final by bringing in your ticket stub from this Spanish film playing at the art theater downtown.

Vin Diesel and The Rock star in this fast-paced educational film about how angular momentum is expressed by a force revolving around a fixed point.