The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 24, 2013

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Issue 4925

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of athletic competition. 1955: New York Giants defensive coordinator Tom Lan...

Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that their team won Game 7 of the NBA Finals last night, sources confirmed Friday.

LeBron James Announces Retirement

‘I’ve Accomplished Everything I Ever Dreamed Of,’ Says Former NBA Superstar

MIAMI—After an enormously successful professional career spanning nearly a decade, Miami Heat small forward LeBron James brought his playing days to a close Thursday, officially announcing his retirement from the NBA. “As we all know, basketba...

Friday, July 5

Those two kids in town with the dyed hair and the eye shadow will be out walking around smoking cigarettes and looking morose Friday night.

Man Calls Trust Fund Savings

NEW YORK—Following a year of fruitless efforts to find a job, unemployed 26-year-old Scott Wesley, who reportedly lives off a $2 million trust fund established by his parents, confirmed Thursday he “still has enough in savings” to make e...

Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger'

'Finally Our Story Is Being Told,' Tribespeople Say

LOS ANGELES—Upon emerging from an advance screening of the Walt Disney Pictures film The Lone Ranger, representatives of the country’s American Indian population enthusiastically praised the action-adventure comedy Wednesday, telling re...

Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly

ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday that his abduction and ransoming of a 7-year-old boy “could not be going any more ...

Wednesday, July 3

July 3: Everyone close the windows of your home Wednesday, as the truck with the malfunctioning insect sprayer will be driving around town.

Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence

BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position at Sarah Lawrence College as the next Dean of Students, ...

NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome

MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts reportedly ruled out all of the things that the Finals will not come down to, including library books, the 1991 action-co...

Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals

ENNISKILLEN, NORTHERN IRELAND—On the heels of eliminating the United Kingdom in their highly anticipated Tuesday afternoon matchup, Italy has joined Japan to become the first two nations in the G8 Finals, sources confirmed.

Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013

This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: There’s Not A Lot Of Food Henry Devlin (Random House, $22.95) An author with no scientific background imagines what it would be like to live on Mars. A Tale Of Two Cities...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013

Aries You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun. Taurus You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include fo...

Superman Turns 75

Superman’s legacy began 75 years ago this month with his first appearance in the inaugural issue of Action Comics, and continued last weekend with the release of the blockbuster film Man Of Steel.

'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office

LOS ANGELES—According to box-office returns, the new Will Smith film After Earth II, the sequel to last month’s science-fiction adventure-drama After Earth, performed disastrously in movie theaters over the weekend.
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