WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll conducted this week, the overwhelming majority of Americans admitted they would actually be fairly interested in having ...
WINDHELM, SKYRIM—Having completely filled out his skill tree, obtained every unique item, and successfully completed each quest and subquest within the expansive virtual world ...
OAK BROOK, IL—More than 70 years after the opening of the first McDonald’s, the world’s largest fast food hamburger chain announced Thursday ...
WASHINGTON—According to a new study published Tuesday in The Journal Of American Psychology, a large majority of the U.S.
Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would ...
LOS ANGELES—According to box-office returns, the new Will Smith film After Earth II, the sequel to last month’s science-fiction adventure-drama After Earth, performed ...
WASHINGTON—Spectators outside the White House received a rare treat this morning when they witnessed First Lady Michelle Obama on the South Lawn going for ...
‘My Doctors Treated Me,’ Explains South African Icon
PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Addressing supporters Monday from the hospital bed where he is being treated for a recurring lung infection, former South African president Nelson ...
TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly ...
BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders ...
JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Solemn-faced sources confirmed today that you do not want to know anything at all about what is happening at this very moment ...
ENNISKILLEN, NORTHERN IRELAND—On the heels of eliminating the United Kingdom in their highly anticipated Tuesday afternoon matchup, Italy has joined Japan to become the ...
DAMASCUS—Two years into a devastating civil war that has left nearly 100,000 dead, caused incalculable destruction, and all but ruined the prospects of ...
‘Why Is This Fascinating Again?’ Populace Asks
DETROIT—Following reports today that a new tip has prompted a renewed FBI search for the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the U.S.
BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position ...
ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday ...
WASHINGTON—Calling a press conference Wednesday to address a matter of grave seriousness, a major public organization reportedly reassured those in attendance that steps will ...
'Finally Our Story Is Being Told,' Tribespeople Say
LOS ANGELES—Upon emerging from an advance screening of the Walt Disney Pictures film The Lone Ranger, representatives of the country’s American Indian population ...
NEW YORK—Though he was once confused by the number of frail, seemingly mentally unstable people concentrated around the Houston and Broadway area of Manhattan ...
WASHINGTON—Americans across the country expressed their excitement Wednesday over the upcoming release of Value Meal, a feature-length documentary that will, at long last, shed ...
WASHINGTON—According to a national poll conducted by the Pew Research Center Monday, the vast majority of Americans are currently more concerned about the demise ...
NEW YORK—Following a year of fruitless efforts to find a job, unemployed 26-year-old Scott Wesley, who reportedly lives off a $2 million trust fund ...
GENEVA—Amid the spread of the deadly Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS, virus, the World Health Organization announced today that the only known cure ...
ANN ARBOR, MI—In a breakthrough study that researchers say adds important insight into the evolution of Homo sapiens, scientists at the University of Michigan ...
VATICAN COUNTY—Shattering the previous Eucharistic weight record set by Cincinnati’s Sisters of Mercy convent, the Catholic Church’s College of Cardinals confirmed Friday ...
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Friday afternoon by the Pew Research Center, 89 percent of the American workforce currently wants nothing more than to ...
Superman’s legacy began 75 years ago this month with his first appearance in the inaugural issue of Action Comics, and continued last weekend with ...
Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of ...
Aries You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the ...
$36.35 (+$2.21) (+6.47%) Shares rose sharply after the generator produced a promising string of 3s and 5s.
‘I’ve Accomplished Everything I Ever Dreamed Of,’ Says Former NBA Superstar
MIAMI—After an enormously successful professional career spanning nearly a decade, Miami Heat small forward LeBron James brought his playing days to a close Thursday ...
Library Books, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ Mail Among Things That Won’t Factor Into Outcome
MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts ...
BRISTOL, CT—Expressing confusion and annoyance upon reading the phrase, sources confirmed Wednesday that someone at ESPN thinks it’s okay to call something the ...
KAMPALA, REPUBLIC OF UGANDA—Calling themselves the Miami Heat’s biggest fans and saying that the team embodies everything they love, billionaires Rupert Murdoch and ...
MIAMI—After winning their second consecutive NBA championship, members of the Miami Heat reportedly spent 10 minutes Thursday laughing in the nation’s stupid fucking ...
MIAMI—A number of self-proclaimed “big Miami Heat fans” woke up this morning, turned on the local news, and were reportedly thrilled to learn that ...
EAST LANSING, MI—According to a report published Wednesday by researchers at Michigan State University, staying past the fifth inning of 83 percent of baseball ...
With Erik Spoelstra leading the Miami Heat to a second straight NBA championship, Onion Sports examines the most astounding coaching accomplishments in the history of ...
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian welcomed a healthy daughter into the world Saturday, with the newborn weighing in at less than 5 pounds and the ...
A British auction house will sell several locks of Mick Jagger’s hair, which are expected to fetch between $2,300 and $3,100, and ...
The Supreme Court struck down a controversial Arizona law yesterday that required residents to provide proof of U.S.
A survey found that media stories that focused on support for same-sex marriage appeared five times more often than those that focused on opposition to ...
American and Taliban leaders confirmed yesterday that they would meet face-to-face this week in the Taliban’s newly opened political office in Qatar to discuss ...
At their annual meeting this week, the American Medical Association officially recognized obesity, which affects about a third of all Americans, as a disease.
FBI Director Robert Mueller admitted yesterday that his agency uses unmanned aerial vehicles for surveillance within the United States, stating that the agency’s drones ...
According to a video reportedly obtained by the National Enquirer, Food Network star Paula Deen confessed that she had used the N-word, told racist jokes ...
A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and ...
McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin ...
Yesterday’s front page listed the date as June 19, 2013, which can’t be right. No, of course not, unless…unless the time machine ...
In Monday’s issue, we misspelled “cucumber” as “konkowbar.” We regret the error.
July 3: Everyone close the windows of your home Wednesday, as the truck with the malfunctioning insect sprayer will be driving around town.
Those two kids in town with the dyed hair and the eye shadow will be out walking around smoking cigarettes and looking morose Friday night.
Justin Rose Celebrates U.S. Open Victory With Traditional Pushing Of Phil Mickelson Into Lake
New NBA Report Reveals $12 Million Per Year Not Enough Money To Play Basketball In Milwaukee
Officials Forced To Stop Stanley Cup Finals After Dazed Sidney Crosby Skates Out To Center Ice
Man Rooting For Boston Bruins Because Of The Terrorism Thing
Sources: Clippers In Talks To Acquire Kevin Garnett Jersey
Municipal Golf Course Only Has 3 Par-Fours
Athlete 2 Feet Shorter, 160 Pounds Heavier Than Listed
The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the ...
This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review: There’s Not A Lot Of Food Henry Devlin (Random House, $22 ...
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard
