Issue 4926

Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students

ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not ...

Magic Skateboard

PBS 3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT In this spinoff of The Magic School Bus, Mrs. Frizzle and her class hop on the magic skateboard and try to land a 360 varial inside the principal’s small intestine.

Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport

DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go.

8-Year-Old Boy Surprises Marine Dad During Firefight In Afghanistan

Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito suddenly realize they will be the villains in an Oscar-Winning movie one day, the world's markets plunged into turmoil after the price of money skyrocketed to $90 a dollar, and scientists probably discovered a frog or something. It's the week of June 28, 2013.

Grout Virgins

HGTV 5 p.m. EDT/4 p.m. CDT Host Gus Fletch takes inexperienced homeowners and makes them work repeatedly with grout while turning everything into a strange, unsettling innuendo.

Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Huge Bodybuilder With First Pick

‘Look At How Massive This Dude Is,’ Gushes GM

NEW YORK—Praising the 5’11”, 295-pound man’s bulging muscles and massive, ripped physique, the Cleveland Cavaliers announced their selection of bodybuilder Manfred Sampson with the first pick in the 2013 NBA Draft on Thursday.

Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner

HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner Wednesday with the death of 52-year-old convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy by lethal inject...

God Proud Of Cockroaches

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, declared today His overwhelming pride in cockroaches. The Divine Creator, who spoke ex...


This 3 pool/2.5 pool unit features an open-concept pool and a bonus basement pool. Two-car pool. In-ground pool with hot pool.

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

College World Series: ‘Ping’

OMAHA, NE—Following UCLA’s series-winning sweep of Mississippi State Tuesday night, the College World Series took the opportunity to announce ping.

Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution

AUSTIN, TX—Following state senator Wendy Davis’ successful filibuster of sweeping abortion restrictions last night, disappointed Texans told reporters they are looking forward to tonight’s scheduled execution of convicted murderer Kimber...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...

McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes

OAK BROOK, IL—Touting its latest menu offering as a grizzled, tough, and brashly exciting dining option, McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson officially launched the company’s new six-piece Chicken NcNoltes meal at a press event Wednesday.

Space Wives

Bravo 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT After finding out about her husband’s affair, Darlene smashes the Hubble Telescope.

Chicago Blackhawks Relatively Silence Boston Fans

BOSTON—In a thrilling conclusion to the NHL Finals, the Chicago Blackhawks defeated the Boston Bruins in Game 6 of the championship series Monday night, securing the Stanley Cup for Chicago in a stunning win that hockey analysts agreed somewhat sile...

Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog

They’re Always Doing That Kind Of Shit

WASHINGTON—In what is probably being hailed as some sort of groundbreaking discovery, sources confirmed Friday that scientists have most likely identified a new species of frog recently because that’s the type of shit they do all the time.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 25, 2013

Aries Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that'll be hard to tell just by looking at you. Taurus Your support system is loving, reassuring, and always there for you, but sooner or later...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—As 94-year-old Nelson Mandela remains hospitalized in critical condition, family members decided to go ahead and tell the former South African president that racism had finally ended, sources confirmed Sunday.

Ian McKellen: Live At The Apollo 

HBO 10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT After a rough start, the classically trained stage actor wins the crowd over with an inspired riff on how lorry drivers will take their tea any which way.
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  • More News

New Michael Bay Romantic Comedy To Focus On Love Story Between 2 Explosions

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s wanted to do something a little more personal for some time now, director Michael Bay, known for such big-budget action films as Transformers and Armageddon, announced Tuesday the start of production on What Are The Odds?, a quirky romantic comedy about two unlikely explosions who fall in love.

According to Bay, who also wrote the script for the film, the rom-com centers around a type-A helicopter blast who thinks it has it all figured out when a free-spirited diesel truck explosion unexpectedly enters its life and shakes everything up.

“It’s really a nice little story because, on paper, these massive fireballs know they are wrong for each other, but they also have this undeniable connection they can’t ignore,” said Bay, adding that he’d actually been thinking about making a pared-down film about the small, everyday interactions between detonations since studying film in college. “This movie asks common, everyday questions like, ‘How does a jet-fueled explosion find love in this day and age?’ and ‘Can a high-octane blast really settle down? Or will it always chase any cheap-thrill oil tanker explosion any chance it gets?’”

“And the movie’s funny, too,” Bay added. “When a big misunderstanding leads to one explosion blowing up the Eiffel Tower and the other destroying the Empire State Building, well, let’s just say audiences are going to get a kick out of that scene.”

From the fireballs’ memorable meet-cute, when the two flaming eruptions accidentally bump into each other after one wave of fire blows through the Holland Tunnel and the other detonates when a 16-wheeler careens over a highway overpass, to how they initially fall in love after razing a New York café in a fiery inferno, Bay said that What Are The Odds? is, at its core, a love story.

While Bay didn’t want to give too much of the plot away, the director said that even though the explosions’ combustible materials couldn’t be more different—jet fuel is lighter than diesel and has anti-microbial agents, he noted—both ultimately share a common desire to settle down and one day blow up the United Nations building.

And, according to a smiling Bay, this is a film where dreams and desires definitely come true.

“You know, the more you live, the more you understand that an explosion, whether it’s a mushroom cloud pluming over Alcatraz or a fireball from a detonated extraterrestrial robot, only wants one thing: another explosion to share its life with,” the Pearl Harbor director told reporters. “I think I try to find that connection in all my films, but this movie gives me a chance to tell that story in a much more intimate way.”

Though shooting has just begun on the project, Bay said his lead pair of proximate pyrotechnics have the most chemistry of any two explosions he’s ever had the privilege of working with. Bay remarked that the intimacy they share will certainly help during a particularly sexy scene when both fireballs intertwine with one another and blaze up an elevator shaft, and when the two have a major fight and burn Los Angeles to the ground.

The cast is reportedly rounded out by the helicopter explosion’s best friend, a quirky fertilizer plant explosion, and the truck explosion’s father played by a “very funny” James Brolin.

“There is definitely the typical rom-com staples in this movie, but the film has a lot of depth and tells a story about relationships that I think moviegoers will really connect with,” Bay said. “Buildings come crashing to the ground, airports go up in flames, the Brooklyn Bridge gets incinerated, thousands of cars get blown up, and Mt. Rushmore gets turned into dust.”

“It’s a departure, for sure,” he added, “but I think it will be interesting for audiences to see this side of me.”

According to studio sources, the budget for What Are The Odds? is $250 million.

More from this section

Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport

DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go.

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