GREENWICH, CT—Days after being admitted to the clinic’s intensive care unit, physicians at Greenwich Hospital relayed Thursday the improving condition of Invictus Mutual ...
THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father ...
ROCHESTER, MI—Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie’s new boyfriend ...
LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s wanted to do something a little more personal for some time now, director Michael Bay, known for such big-budget ...
WASHINGTON—According to a study released Monday by the American Public Transportation Association, four out of every five subway track repairmen are run over by ...
PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—As 94-year-old Nelson Mandela remains hospitalized in critical condition, family members decided to go ahead and tell the former South African president ...
WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in an ongoing affirmative action lawsuit Monday, the impatient American public reportedly demanded that the nation ...
LOS ANGELES—Sources close to the Lone Ranger and Pirates Of The Caribbean star confirmed Monday that unless Johnny Depp is playfully keeping his balance ...
They’re Always Doing That Kind Of Shit
WASHINGTON—In what is probably being hailed as some sort of groundbreaking discovery, sources confirmed Friday that scientists have most likely identified a new species ...
MILAN, ITALY—Hours after being sentenced to seven years in prison for having sex with an underage prostitute and abusing his power, former Italian Prime ...
SANFORD, FL—As the trial of former neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman entered its second day this morning, defense attorney Don West reportedly opened his ...
SAN ANSELMO, CA—Following his lavish wedding over the weekend to financial company president Mellody Hobson, a self-conscious George Lucas is reportedly still too embarrassed ...
ADRIAN, MI—An extremely intense bond that lasted just 0.2 seconds, but which was filled with a range of deeply intertwined and conflicting emotions ...
OAK BROOK, IL—Touting its latest menu offering as a grizzled, tough, and brashly exciting dining option, McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson officially launched the ...
WASHINGTON—Condemning the decision as “dangerously reasonable” and “beyond level-headed,” vocal opponents of same-sex marriage strongly cautioned that this morning’s Supreme Court rulings supporting ...
WASHINGTON—After months of deliberation, the U.S. Supreme Court opted today to leave the ultimate decision on whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry ...
NORMAN, OK—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark 5-4 ruling this morning striking down the Defense of Marriage Act, local bigot Donald Pohlman, 45, reportedly ...
WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s historic rulings on gay rights earlier in the day, a report issued Wednesday by the Human Rights ...
AUSTIN, TX—Following state senator Wendy Davis’ successful filibuster of sweeping abortion restrictions last night, disappointed Texans told reporters they are looking forward to tonight ...
WASHINGTON—Shortly after turning in dissenting opinions in landmark federal rulings today that struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and conferred full federal benefits ...
HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner ...
SKOKIE, IL—As vacation season approaches and local Donnellan Family Funeral Services staff prepare for their summer breaks, mortuary director Gene Donnellan told reporters Friday ...
BUFFALO, NY—Revealing his most recent offering, which further solidifies his rightful place in the cultural pantheon, local graffiti artist Patrick “Jester” Dunham told reporters ...
DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted ...
CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the Journal Of Contemporary Ethnography, scientists at the University of Chicago have established a definitive link ...
ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy ...
FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall ...
The Onion looks at what Snowden’s current options are.
Gay pride marches and parades will be held this weekend across the United States as LGBT Pride Month draws to a close.
Aries Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that'll be hard to tell just by looking at you. Taurus ...
$69.45 (-$3.04) (-4.19%) Shares plummeted because summer’s here and no more kids need vinegar to make science project volcanoes.
BOSTON—In a thrilling conclusion to the NHL Finals, the Chicago Blackhawks defeated the Boston Bruins in Game 6 of the championship series Monday night ...
MIAMI—Calling the seemingly unplanned celebration “quite the party,” city residents were reportedly delighted at the impromptu parade that broke out in downtown Miami on ...
OMAHA, NE—Following UCLA’s series-winning sweep of Mississippi State Tuesday night, the College World Series took the opportunity to announce ping.
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New ...
‘Look At How Massive This Dude Is,’ Gushes GM
NEW YORK—Praising the 5’11”, 295-pound man’s bulging muscles and massive, ripped physique, the Cleveland Cavaliers announced their selection of bodybuilder Manfred Sampson ...
MIAMI—Second-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill expressed his confidence in the Dolphins after minicamp Tuesday, claiming that he believes this team could win almost any number ...
CHICAGO—Over the course of the 45-minute victory parade held Friday morning to celebrate the Chicago Blackhawks’ NHL championship, the Stanley Cup sustained nearly a ...
With the 2013 NBA Draft quickly approaching, Onion Sports breaks down the best collegiate and international basketball players.
A report from the Mayo Clinic found that nearly 7 in 10 Americans take at least one prescription medication, and noted that antibiotics, antidepressants, and ...
After fleeing Hong Kong, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden arrived in Moscow, where he is seeking asylum from the government of Ecuador, the same nation that ...
Emerging from bankruptcy under new ownership, snack food company Hostess announced that its iconic Twinkies will return to store shelves on July 15 with packages ...
President Obama announced a new effort to combat climate change today, saying he would use executive orders to help cities and states cope with extreme ...
After it was revealed last week that Paula Deen used racial slurs and made a number of racist jokes, the prominent pork company Smithfield Farms ...
The Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act by a vote of 5-4 today, with moderate justice Anthony Kennedy writing the majority opinion ...
According to newly released figures, home prices in the United States rose 12 percent from April 2012 to April 2013, the fastest rate of increase ...
Convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy was put to death by lethal injection last night, marking the 500th execution by the state of Texas since the death ...
Thirty-two items that belonged to Monica Lewinsky during her time as a White House intern will be auctioned online, including a floor-length black negligee, a ...
With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation ...
Under the government’s new “Smart Snacks in Schools” guidelines, schools will no longer be allowed to stock vending machines or snack bars with treats ...
Dear The Onion,
I can still taste you on my lips. Missing you like crazy!
Erica Leonard, Monterey, CA
Dear The Onion,
Please make your crosswords less racist.
Stella Crawford, Galesburg, IL
Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito suddenly realize they will be the villains in an Oscar-Winning movie one day, the world's markets plunged into turmoil ...
HBO
10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT
After a rough start, the classically trained stage actor wins the crowd over with an inspired ...
Bravo
9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT
After finding out about her husband’s affair, Darlene smashes the Hubble Telescope.
HGTV
5 p.m. EDT/4 p.m. CDT
Host Gus Fletch takes inexperienced homeowners and makes them work repeatedly with grout while turning everything ...
PBS
3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT
In this spinoff of The Magic School Bus, Mrs. Frizzle and her class hop on the ...
This cozy three-bedroom bungalow is perfect for the family that loves to dunk but lacks the necessary vertical leap.
This 3 pool/2.5 pool unit features an open-concept pool and a bonus basement pool. Two-car pool. In-ground pool with hot pool.
Little League Down To Only 2 Baseballs
The popular network will bring back all 90 of its current sun-soaked shows about spies or lawyers or something.
Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.
After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international ...
Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the ...
NEW YORK—After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading ...
SAN FRANCISCO—Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly ...
