The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 8, 2013

Top Headlines

Issue 4927

Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’

BOSTON—Warning that he was a dark and vengeful God, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly pulled aside Tim Tebow at the team’s facilities Thursday and informed the backup quarterback that he was his only Lord and savior now...

New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released

A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is stil...

BREAKING: Lovers Lost In Fog


SEDGECREST GRANGE—According to reports currently emanating from the sullen gloom of Sedgecrest Grange, two young lovers, mere moments after their impetuous peregrination into the dusky marshlands, have become hopelessly lost and separated, their eve...

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Report: 79% Of Sincere Thoughts Played Off As Jokes

NEW HAVEN, CT—According to a groundbreaking new report from researchers at Yale University’s Center for Cultural Sociology, a full 79 percent of all sincere thoughts expressed in conversation are played off as jokes before they register their ...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013

Aries Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney. Taurus It takes a real man to admit when he's made a ...

Tips For Hosting A Pool Party

With summer heating up and many Americans taking vacation for the Fourth of July holiday, millions across the country will be gathering together with friends and family poolside.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.